Page 12 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)

Ethan snickers as the three of us cross the parking lot to the deserted corner where their car is waiting next to mine.

"You knew we would be here to pick you up.

It's Friday Night Friends Date; you were just lost in your own little world there for a second.

What were you thinking about so intensely anyway? "

I can’t help the way my soft little heart melts just a bit over the fact that standing here in the very same spot so many years later, not only is Blue truly my best friend, he now has a love of his own who knows me well enough to notice even from behind that I’d been lost in a memory.

The day I met Blue really did change my life.

He never left after I took him home that first night, and for six years, we ate and laughed and cried and played together.

Blue will always be my best friend, and I’m grateful to have Ethan in my life now too.

But watching the way they seem to have been made for each other out of magic and stardust makes the fact that I’m just not the kind of guy anyone wants to hold onto more than a little painful.

Even though they came to “pick me up,” I drive separately to the dueling piano karaoke bar we’re hitting up for Friday Night Friends Date.

I mean, what if I find a hot guy to go home with?

I don’t want to be stranded at a stranger’s place in the morning, and I can’t exactly ask Ethan and Blue to make plans to pick me up after railing someone.

That would be crossing a bit of a friendship line, even for me.

Their car is already in the parking lot when I arrive.

Of course it is. Did I take a wrong turn and get lost?

If I did, that’s definitely not something I’ll admit to.

Maybe they won’t even notice that it took me thirty minutes longer than it should have to drive nine blocks and park.

If they do, I’ll just come up with something less embarrassing than I got lost, yet again.

Something like needing an emergency bathroom stop or having a panic attack or needing to rescue a kitten from a tree.

Honestly, almost anything would be better than admitting that at nearly thirty, I still can’t navigate to save my life.

“GAbrIEL!”

I only catch half of my name being yelled across the room by a deep, laughing voice before I’m nearly tackled to the floor.

Just like they did almost an hour ago at the coffee shop, both Blue and Ethan wrap me in their arms and press kisses to my cheeks.

They aren’t ever like this with anyone else.

In fact, I rarely notice either of them touching anyone else for nearly any reason at all.

I know they do it because it’s something I want.

Something I need. And I’m grateful they do it without me ever having to ask, because how embarrassing would it be to have to ask them to hug me because I’m lonely?

“Hey, loves. Do you have a drink waiting for me?” I squish them both as hard as I can before we separate and make our way to a table next to the stage. I’m not sure who picked tonight’s venue, but dueling piano karaoke is always one of my favorites.

“Of course we do. Should we even ask why it took you so long to get here?” It’s pretty obvious Blue is fighting hard to keep from laughing because he absolutely knows what happened.

“Noper.” I flash my widest, toothiest smile and slip into the booth after them, grateful for the shot of tequila that’s waiting for me.

“How were your days? Anything amazing and exciting happen?” I manage to ask while shooting my tequila at the same time. It’s a skill. What can I say? My mouth is talented.

“We’re good. Really good, actually. Blue sent some pictures to Max of a piece he made today for his solo thing, and she loved them.

I mean she loooooved them. Max is always a sweetheart, of course, but she’s also really good at her job, and if she thinks something can be improved, then she’ll definitely say so, ya know. ”

I can’t help but laugh at Ethan’s rambling.

He’s usually a pretty quiet guy. When Blue and I first met him, it took months before he felt comfortable enough to do more than basically just smile and nod when he came out with us, even if someone asked him a direct question.

He’s still shy and nervous in public most of the time, but once in a while, if we’re someplace we’ve been before and he’s had a really good day and gets a couple of drinks into him, it’s almost like all of the words he’s been saving up for weeks come falling out all at once.

“Yeah? That’s great, boo. I’m happy that she liked it.”

Ethan leans his head over onto my shoulder with a sigh. “It is great, isn’t it?”

“How about you? We haven’t talked much this week, and I know that you usually feel a bit down after one of your performances comes to an end.

” Blue cringes as he continues. “I’ve been so caught up at the hot shop with this exhibition coming up in a couple of months that I didn’t check in like I should have.

I’m sorry, man. I should have at least stopped by at some point with a few gallons of ice cream. ”

Yeah, okay. Has some part of me been a bit vexed that he didn’t enable my ice cream addiction this week like he normally would have?

Sure. But I know he’s gearing up for his third solo exhibition at one of Seattle’s most popular art galleries.

He’s had pieces at Emerald City Arts for four or five years now, but after his first solo display last summer, his work sort of just blew up overnight.

He’s practically a famous artist these days, so I can’t fault him for getting caught up in his work.

Every day, he wakes up and gets to live in a world where all his dreams are coming true.

All at once. He fell in love with Ethan - who has since taken a job managing Emerald City Arts - he doesn't have to work waiting tables anymore, and they have an apartment and a cat. Seriously, Blue has a cat now. What in the H-E-Double hockey sticks is that about? But with his life suddenly so different and so busy and so perfect, I can’t be mad at him for forgetting about me just a little, especially with him sitting across from me looking like someone just stole his Halloween candy as he realizes how little we’ve spoken lately.

“I’m good. Honestly. I mean…I will absolutely never in my life say no to you bringing me ice cream, but I actually didn’t really drop after this show the way I normally do.

Not as much anyway.” I flash him yet another of my most charming smiles, even though I know he’s the one person in the world who's capable of seeing through them. Good thing this one is genuine.

For as long as I can remember, the days or weeks following the end of a performance run have always been hard for me.

There are times when I simply feel physically exhausted and run down, but there are also moments when it’s more than that, when I feel something almost close to actual depression.

In those moments, I have no interest in coming up with new show ideas and no real desire to go out with my friends.

There are even times it gets bad enough that I struggle to shower and eat and work for a few days.

I’ve spent time exploring a lot of interests in my life, including some kink.

Okay, I’ve spent a lot of time exploring kink.

I even spend some time regularly participating in kink these days, and the closest description I can come up with for what happens to me after a show ends is that it’s like sub drop.

I’ve spent weeks or months engaged and focused on one singular thing, and then it’s simply…

over. It’s so mentally and physically intense and demanding, and there is so much adrenaline surging through my system for so long as I plan and create and practice and perfect.

It all peaks during the public performance days, and then it’s just gone.

So I crash. Sometimes hard. I’ve found ways to engage in self-aftercare, but for years, Blue - and for my last few shows, Ethan too - has always been there to help care for me in small ways.

I’ve tried hard not to let him realize that I’ve come to rely on him for that because I know he’d find a way to make time if he did.

I never want to be a burden to him, so I never let myself ask for anything outright, nothing deep or complicated anyway.

I’m grateful for everything he already offers me, and I’ll never ask for more than that.

I’m thankful that my drop this time has been relatively minor though.

It definitely would have been hard to make it through a major one without his usual level of attentiveness.

As an independent performance artist, sometimes the shows I manage to arrange are pretty big collaborations with other artists that incorporate silks and fire dancing and pole work all at once in front of large festival audiences.

Sometimes they’re simpler one-person events anywhere I can snag a stage for a night or two.

The small events always come with an easier and quicker recovery time.

“You guys came to last Saturday’s show, so you know it was just a small one. I don’t usually drop quite as much after those. In fact, I already have a spectacular idea in mind for the next one.” I grin and wink and feign nonchalance as I wait for them to ask about it.

The table is silent for a moment. Okay, not silent.

Nothing is silent in this bar…ever. But my friends, even the ones who were only half eavesdropping on my conversation with Blue and Ethan before I mentioned a new show, have all turned their focus to me as they wait for the big reveal.

I don’t know if they’re actually all that interested or if they’re just humoring me, but I don’t really care.

Either way, their attention feels like kindness.

It makes me feel like they’re paying attention. Like I matter to them.