Page 30 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)
This man. I was drawn to him the first time I saw him across the room in a crowded club, and every single interaction we’ve had since has left me falling for him just a little bit more.
I’m thrilled that he’s momentarily opened up to me.
That, for just a few moments, he didn’t feel the need to censor himself, and he felt like he could bring this to me.
Once again, he's trying to help me for no other reason than he thinks he might be able to. I don’t want him to ever feel embarrassed or like he has to hide any parts of himself.
I want him to be exactly who he is, always.
Even if that means things occasionally get awkward when I think he’s handed me coffee and a sex book.
It seems to bother him that he doesn’t have intimate relationships or deep friendships, and I wish there was something I could say to make him feel better.
I mean, what kind of person could meet a man as vibrant and full of life as Gabriel and not instantly want to keep him in their lives forever?
Still, I’m glad he at least has someone, or a few someones, that he can enjoy rope play with if it makes him feel as good as he says it does.
I have no idea why he doesn’t have partners to do this with sexually, if he wants them though.
Who in the world wouldn’t want to have sex with him?
It’s obvious that someone in his past has made him feel like he’s not enough, or like he’s too much, but I don’t ever want him to feel that way with me.
I love that he’s loud and fun and chatty, and I’m constantly amazed at just how talented and professional and caring he is.
I’m even thankful that he’s shown me his not-sex sex book because it means he trusts me.
And because…I want to try it. I want to feel the way the people in the photos feel.
I don’t think I could ever trust anyone but Gabriel enough to believe they’ll truly keep me safe during something like that.
For some inexplicable reason, my soul trusts him.
It trusts him enough that I want to close my eyes and let go and fall until he catches me.
“Can we try it?”
His eyes blow wide in surprise. “What?”
“The rope. Can we try it?”
“Really? You want to try it? Just like that?”
I just nod, unable to find the words to ask him a second time.
“Ya, babe, we can. Let’s find a time that we’re both free and not practicing and set something up.”
“Now?”
His brow furrows, and he shakes his head. “Hun, I only brought it up like twenty minutes ago. I think maybe you should wait and think about it, and we’ll set a time.”
“Please?” My voice trembles because I don’t know that I’ll have the strength to follow through if we set a date that I can cancel, but we’re both here now, and I want to know what it feels like. I want to know if I can find the peace it seems to bring, and I want to do that with him.
His posture softens as he steps close, his warm brown eyes studying my face while his fingertip trails along my jaw.
“Ya, sweetheart. We can do it now.”
I’m so nervous about what’s going to happen next that I’m nearly dissociated, yet somehow hyperaware of absolutely everything as Gabriel takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. He places a large, soft pillow on the ground and quietly asks me to strip to a point I feel comfortable.
“Just your underwear would be best so that your jeans don’t crunch you behind your knees, but if that’s too much today, then that’s totally fine, alright. We aren’t going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and you are one hundred percent in control of everything.”
I nod silently before pulling my T-shirt over my head and tossing it onto his bed.
I never thought that if I miraculously ended up stripping in Gabriel’s bedroom one day, I’d be trying not to get hard.
Or that I’d be so anxious that I don’t really have to worry about that in the first place.
I freeze, nearly tipping over with one foot raised but still stuck in my jeans, when he turns away from his closet with an armful of ropes and the largest pair of scissors I’ve ever seen.
He simply smiles and reaches out to steady my arm while I finish with my pants.
“Those are umm…what are those for?” I can’t imagine he plans on doing something nefarious like cutting off my underwear once I’m tied up, but I can’t just let them sit there and stare at me without knowing for sure.
“Normally, we’d sit together and talk through a lot of things before we did anything like this.
Even though we’re not going to bring a sexual element into it, it’s still important for us to trust one another and be on the same page.
It’s important to know one another’s boundaries and establish open communication for anything that requires intimacy and trust. Since we’re not taking that time right now, we’re only going to play a little, and if it’s something you like and want to do more of in the future, then we’ll go over a bunch of things before we take it any further.
Today, I’m just going to do a bit of work with your arms and chest, but if at any point you aren’t okay, or you start to panic and you’re not comfortable with me taking the time to untie you, I can have you out in thirty seconds.
” He grins and traces a bejeweled finger along my jaw once more.
This single finger drifting across my skin tonight is the first way he’s touched me since he sat on my lap while I was having my panic attack, and I have to fight back a shiver.
It feels like sparks and safety and comfort and I never want it to end.
When he touches me, every cell in my body focuses on him, and there is no space left for panic or anxiety or worry.
“Here.” His voice is smooth and calm as he offers me the rope.
He sounds like the Gabriel I’ve come to know but also somehow…
not. It’s as if simply touching the rope, simply knowing what he’s about to do, has already shifted him into a place of tranquility.
“There are many kinds of rope, of course. These aren’t the same as the ones in most of the photos.
I’d never use them for a suspension, but for this, for your first time, I think they’ll be best.”
I’m not sure what I expected, but it’s not what’s in my hands. The rope isn’t white or brown or dry and scratchy or plastic. It’s dark teal and silken, almost like the tassels I’ve seen used to tie up heavy old-fashioned drapes.
“You’re sure you’re comfortable doing this right now? There’s no pressure from me if you’ve changed your mind.”
When I manage to croak out a “Yes,” he smiles, and it’s kind and soft and beautiful, and it’s just for me, no one else, and I know the image of him standing here in the dim light of his bedroom, looking at me like I mean something to him, is one I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.
“Do you have any wrist or shoulder or neck issues that I should be aware of?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, hun, then why don’t you kneel down for me and get comfortable.”
I sink to my knees without hesitation, and he follows, kneeling in front of me as he unwinds the long ropes and settles into his routine. His hands flutter in sure, elegant movements that feel practiced and certain as he prepares, before shifting even closer and offering me one more smile.
“Close your eyes for me, hun. Just let yourself feel now. I’ve got you.”
And, oh my god, to hear him say that, to feel it and know that he means it completely.
To know that I can trust him to keep me safe.
It’s something so simple and so small. Something that every person in the world should get to experience time and time again in their everyday lives.
Yet there’s nothing small about it. There have been so few moments in my life when I’ve felt deeply and truly safe.
So few people I’ve been able to trust without reservation, but I trust Gabriel in this moment, and it melts every ounce of fear and anxiety I’ve been fighting to hold at bay all my life.
When he begins to move, combining strong, unyielding ropes with delicate brushes of his knuckles against my skin, it's like feeling nothing and everything all at once.
Each movement is slow and deliberate, skillful and intuitive.
The intensity and grace I've been in awe of each time I've seen him perform or move or laugh or breathe is present in every touch of his fingertips and tie of my bindings.
Each time he loops a knot and tightens the lines, my attention is refocused.
The sensation is so close to more than just pressure, so close to pleasure or pain that it doesn't allow my mind to wander.
It builds on itself, one length of rope, one knot, one movement at a time, until the way it feels to be touched and bound becomes the center of my universe.
I'm barely even aware Gabriel is kneeling in front of me, close enough that his breath occasionally ghosts across my skin.
I no longer notice the slight humming of the fan in the corner of his bedroom or the way the knee I broke during my first deployment was aching when he first asked me to kneel for him.
I don't need to remember that I still have to put together this week's supply order or that I'm tired since the nightmares woke me only two hours after I climbed into bed last night.
There is only compression and peace and safety.
It doesn't feel sexual or passionate, yet it's intimate and personal and so very, very intense. I lose myself to it. I lose myself to the world, and the weight I always carry, that some days feels almost too heavy to bear for one moment longer, falls away. I lose the memories and the fear and the regrets. I lose the dust and heat and blood. I fly or fall or float, and it doesn’t even matter which it is because Gabriel will catch me.