Page 25 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)

“Yeah, I can’t even imagine what must live in here, then.” I tap my finger against his temple, and he shakes his head in response. His eyes have dropped back down to my chest, and his breathing is starting to speed up again. Definitely time to try to distract him.

“Hey. Whatever happened in the past though, wherever you went in your head for a bit, it’s not actually here.

Right now, it’s just you and me on my stylish and horribly uncomfortable sofa.

” A smile plays at the corners of his lips again, and I shuffle around the tiniest bit on his lap - something I both immediately regret and never want to stop doing.

“For the record, sitting on you is way more comfortable, so you may just want to prepare yourself now for the reality that I’ll probably try to do it again in the future.”

A deep chuckle rises from his chest. It’s short and still a bit shaky, but it’s real. “I could probably learn to make my peace with that.”

When sky-blue eyes flick back up to stare into mine, the heat that floods through me is such a dangerous drug that I need to pretend it doesn’t exist for my own sanity. Focus. I just need to focus on our conversation. Not on the way his lap feels.

“Is this…I mean…while we’re working together, is this something that’s likely to happen again?”

Tears threaten to spill from the brilliant eyes that still command my attention as he nods and shrugs. I’m not really sure if that means yes or no, but it doesn’t matter.

“That’s okay.” I offer the kindest smile I can. “I know it’s not the kind of thing you can just wish away, or it wouldn’t happen at all. Do you want to tell me what I can do to help if I’m around when it happens again?”

“This.”

“Climb onto your lap?” I grin mischievously and wiggle around just a bit once more. “No matter where we are, just climb onto your lap and you’ll come back?”

A quick laugh escapes him once more, and it would be so easy for me to become addicted to trying to get him to make that sound.

“It would probably work, to be honest. But just anything similar. Talk to me and touch me so that I have something to focus on to remind myself that I’m not stuck in the past. I mean, you don’t have to or anything.

I’ve been through plenty of them, and I can always manage to shake them myself.

Hell, it’s not like I’m used to anyone trying to intervene.

Most of the time, I can feel them building these days, so I haven’t actually had one around another person in years.

It’s really okay if you just want to leave me be and wait it out if that’s better for you.

” He sounds devastated that it’s not something he can simply turn off, and that’s just not okay.

This isn’t something anyone should ever be ashamed of, and I need him to understand that even if he doesn’t feel safe with anyone else, I’ll never judge him.

“No way, hun. I will absolutely always help you if I can. No one should have to handle something like that alone if they don’t want to.”

His gaze drops down between us once more as he nods.

“Is there anything in particular that sets them off? Anything I should know not to do?” I really, really don’t want to be the reason he has to go through something like that if I can avoid it.

“They’re not exactly consistent or dependable. There are a few things that can trigger them, I guess, crowds, loud sudden noises, things like that. But it’s not all the time. Things that set me off one day will be just fine the next, for some reason.”

Oh my god. “Oh my god.” I’m suddenly struck by the horrible realization that I was the entire reason this happened in the first place.

“Oh fuck, babe! Military loud noises trauma. Oh my god, I am so, so sorry. You probably don’t even remember because it all happened so fast, but this is all my fault.

I stumbled a little while I was trying to get a sauté pan down, and my hand just sort of grabbed at anything it could reach to stop me from tipping over.

Of course I’m an idiot who, for some reason, keeps their pans in a cabinet that’s way too high to hold pans, and I pulled like literally every single one of them down onto the tile at once.

Honestly, it was loud enough that I’m surprised no one called the cops, thinking it was gunshots or the sound of the universe collapsing in on itself or something, and… ”

“Hey.” Two large, warm hands unexpectedly cup my face. “This is not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault. This is no one’s fault, okay. This is just something that is. If I have to believe my therapist when she tells me that, then you have to too.”

I force on a smile I don’t feel at all because no amount of either Liam or his therapist telling me it wasn’t my fault is going to convince me. Luckily, I have a lot of practice faking smiles. “Okay, fine. But I’m still sorry that it happened, and I wish there was more I could do to help.”

I instantly mourn the loss of his hands on my jaw as he lets them fall away to rest at his sides.

“You’ve done plenty. You talking me through it.

Hell, sitting on me to calm me down. It’s more than anyone else has ever done.

” And doesn’t that just break my heart even more than seeing him shaking and scared did.

It takes every bit of strength I have not to lean forward and kiss his forehead.

“Is there anything else that helps when it happens?”

He pauses for a long moment, his breath speeding up once more before he whispers.

“Water.”

“Water? Like, if I bring you a glass of water, that will help? What if I try to get you to drink it and like…accidentally drown you?” Oh my god, I can not end up accidentally murdering him with a glass of water! I would not do well in prison.

His face scrunches up, and he looks like he can’t decide whether he wants to explain or run away. I don’t want him to feel pressured to share anything he doesn’t want to, but before I can open my mouth to tell him that, strong fingers find their way to my hips and he pulls me closer.

“Can I?”

I don’t know if he’s asking whether I’ll listen while he explains or if he can crush me in his arms so tightly that we merge into a single person, but I don’t even care. I would say yes to absolutely anything he asked of me in this moment.

“Of course.”

He nods once before burying his face in the bend of my neck once more.