Page 33 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)

Gabriel

We’ve only been at the dance club for Friday Night Friends Date for about an hour, just long enough for me to have had a couple of drinks and start to feel a bit loose.

My life isn’t overly complicated or stressful or anything, and I actually don’t drink all that much or all that often.

I work at the coffee shop, hang out with my friends, and perform whenever I get the chance.

I pay my bills without a lot of struggle, dress however I want, and have fun in whatever way suits my mood.

I’ve deliberately cultivated a pretty carefree life for myself.

Until last year, the only thing that got to me regularly was the way I constantly developed feelings for men I dated far too quickly, only to get dumped every single time.

Okay, and the low simmering worry that one day, even my friends will get tired enough of my company to kick me to the curb.

But now that I don’t date anymore, at least one of those worries is permanently off the table, so there really shouldn’t be anything driving me to drink or struggle to loosen up or keep avoiding the sweaty throng of hot bodies on the dance floor that would normally be calling my name.

Tonight, though, being my normal, happy, carefree self just isn’t working for me.

I can’t shake the melancholy that’s settled deep in my soul somewhere secret and hidden enough that I can’t find it to evict it. I know that it’s because of Liam.

Not that he makes me melancholy; that’s the absolute last thing he makes me feel.

The truth is, he makes me want. I want to cry over how perfect he is with his giant muscles and long blond hair and silver-blue eyes that look like the sky and the sea and the moon all combined into two shimmering puddles, whose depths I could lose myself in forever if I’m not careful.

I want to listen to his deep, smooth voice talk about bread and books and water for hours, until I’ve discovered every single thing there is to know about his heart and soul and hopes and dreams. I want to tie him again.

I want to kiss him. I want to laugh and tease and share joys and fears and wonder.

Wanting him isn’t what’s making me sit here all gloomy and dejected, wishing no one would notice if I started crying into my tequila.

What’s killing me is the thought that one day, someone will get to keep him and call him their own, and that that person won’t be me.

It won’t be me because there is absolutely no way I’m even going to try.

Knowing that he’s going to walk out of my life once our shows are over is hard enough.

I can’t imagine how badly it would break me to let myself fall for someone that…

so far…seems so absolutely perfect for me, only to have them leave me just like everyone else does.

The moments I’m getting with him will have to be enough.

I’m enjoying our rehearsal times and getting quick coffees together afterward.

I adore the fact that on the few occasions he’s met Cupcake, he’s been quick to scoop her into his arms and kiss her little face the way I do.

And god…oh my god, the way he responded to my rope.

If I could just kidnap him and keep him in my bedroom or maybe an isolated cabin or storage unit somewhere so that I can play with him anytime I want, I wouldn’t ever need rope play with anyone else again.

He was so beautifully pliant and relaxed.

His mind turned off so quickly, and his body simply let me do what I wanted while he floated in subspace.

He just handed me his trust as though it was nothing, even though with his history, I know that’s not something he likely does often, or easily.

“Are you dating this guy now, sweetie?” Blue asks, jolting me out of my sulking.

I knew there wasn’t much chance of me making it through the night without him asking something of the sort, but it was sneaky of him to wait until I’d had a bit to drink.

He’s trying to keep his voice quiet enough that we don’t become the center of our friend group’s attention, which I appreciate, but that’s a hard thing to do in a noisy club, and his face looks like it can’t decide whether it wants to be hopeful or terrified. Maybe he just has indigestion.

“No. God no. Of course not.” I try to look as appalled by the idea as possible to hide the wistfulness that surges through me at the idea of him being mine.

Blue and Ethan exchange a look, and I don’t love the fact that they’ve somehow learned to communicate telepathically.

“Why not?” Ethan asks quietly.

“What do you mean, why not? You know that I don’t date anymore.”

“But…I mean…I know we haven’t met him yet.

I mean, we’ve gone to his bakery a couple of times, but he’s never been up front.

We don’t want to be too nosy or anything…

but you talk about him all the time, and from everything you’ve said, he seems perfect for you,” Ethan stammers, choosing his words carefully, and it feels like he’s trying his best not to say anything that will have me standing up and running away.

I hate seeing him feel like he can’t be completely honest with me, but his caution is probably the right move.

I’m giving serious consideration to hiding under the table until they forget I exist.

Ethan’s words stab my heart like tiny little knives, and I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate because Liam is perfect.

I mean, he’s so perfect that I was lost in my own little world, thinking about his perfection, when Ethan and Blue started this little conversational assault.

They barely know anything about him. I haven’t told them about our first meeting at the club or about our recent shibari scene.

I’ve only talked to them about our performance and made a few offhand remarks about his bakery and the fact that Cupcake doesn’t try to murder him.

Yet somehow, just from that, they seem to have gotten the idea that he’s perfect for me.

Have I been so transparent in the way I’ve talked about him?

I really thought I was better at hiding how I feel.

How do I tell them that it doesn’t matter how perfect he seems to be on paper because I’ll never be good enough for him, and in the end, he’ll just end up leaving me?

I don’t want to tell them that I’m too broken to take that kind of risk.

I want to convince them that I’m fine and I don’t want him, and that I really am the carefree no-worries guy I always work so hard to appear to be.

The two of us could never work. Liam is strong and quiet and stable, while I'm spontaneous and absurd and hiding the fact that I'm afraid I'll be alone my whole life behind glitter and humor and bravado. It’s not like I’m drifting through life hiding who I really am. All of those things really are a huge part of what makes me…me. There are just a few things that no one ever gets to see. I don’t let anyone get to know the person who wants to snuggle in the morning and cook chicken and broccoli at home on a Wednesday night before watching the nature channel because that piece of me isn’t interesting.

That piece of me isn’t a good match for anyone, even as a friend.

Even when Blue and I lived together, I usually camped out alone in my room when I was feeling a bit down or dull.

He had enough stress in his own life without worrying about me.

The fact that I can’t possibly ever live up to the eternally beautiful and animated image of me people form in their heads the moment we meet has to be what’s wrong with me.

Why else would everyone keep leaving me?

No one wants a butterfly that still occasionally spends time as a caterpillar.

Why in the world would someone like Liam ever want to keep someone like me around for more than a bit of laughter and fun?

I must get lost in my thoughts for a while because Blue’s hand startles me when it lands on my knee.

“Gabriel.” His voice is soft, and his eyes are searching my face like he can read my thoughts and see what’s going on inside my very soul.

Who knows, maybe he can. Maybe that’s actually a good thing.

Maybe I don’t want to try and hide this from them anymore.

I know the way I’m starting to feel about Liam will end in heartbreak eventually, even if I keep it to myself; everything always does for me.

But Blue has always been at my side, without question, from the moment we met, and though it hasn’t been as long, Ethan has too.

They’re the only people in the world who haven’t left me the moment things have gotten dark or sad or serious.

Maybe the fact that I’ll never get to keep someone like Liam will hurt just a bit less if I let them in so they can buy me ice cream and let me cry on their shoulders.

“He is perfect. He is so very, very perfect.” My voice is so quiet, I’m not sure they’re able to make out my words over the music.

“That’s why I can’t date him. If I date him, he’ll leave.

He’ll find whatever it is that makes people realize I’m not worth it, and he’ll leave me, just like everyone else does.

I don’t want that to happen. I can’t date him because I don’t want to lose him.

If this is all I ever get, then that’s fine.

I don’t need a relationship or a happy ever after.

I’m okay just getting to spend time with him for a little while. ”

Blue gathers me into his arms and snort-laughs against my temple. “You absolutely are not okay without a relationship and happy ever after. You’re the most happy-ever-after person I’ve ever met, Gabriel, and you deserve that.”

Ethan shifts closer to rest his hand on my forearm.

“There is nothing for him to find. The men who haven’t appreciated you in the past, it’s their loss.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. I mean, we’re still here, right?

We’re not going anywhere, and one day, the right guy will see all of you.

He’ll see the man we see, and you won’t be able to force him away, even if you wanted to. ”

I curl tighter into Blue’s arms and sigh dramatically.

“I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, but if it does, I’m definitely not lucky enough for it to be with Liam, so just let the idea of the two of us go for me, okay?

I just want to enjoy the night with you guys and appreciate that I get to have him in my life for a little while to perform with. ”

Blue growls against my cheek, and Ethan squeezes my arm, but they don’t release me or say another word until their arms abruptly fall away and their voices join the chorus of mumbled curses ringing out from everyone at the table as Evie drops into the booth with enough drunken momentum to jostle everyone and spill a handful of drinks onto laps.