Page 40 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)

The first time I see Gabriel after his cold clears, he’s back to his usual kind and perky, yet slightly distant, professional self.

I didn’t actually expect anything different, but it’s still disappointing.

Hell, even the text he sent me the next day, when he must have still felt like shit, was pretty detached, so there’s no reason I should have expected him to miraculously decide that a night of soup and baking shows was all he needed to fall in love with me.

But there had been a moment, a tiny little handful of moments really, while I cared for him, that it felt like he just might consider letting me in.

Like what I can offer just might be good enough. Like I could be enough.

I know that’s only wishful thinking and that our relationship will never be anything more than an almost friendship between colleagues, but god help me, I want it to be.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t get the memories of that night out of my head.

When I’m alone and exhausted and sleep has abandoned me yet again, I can’t stop the way the memories transform into fantasies of me and Gabriel and Cupcake living as a tiny happy family.

Living a life where we support one another through hardships and laugh together the rest of the time.

A life where he picks the clubs for his Friday Night Friends Dates so I can feel safe going with him simply because he cares enough about me to realize how much that matters.

A life where I cheer at his performances and cook him dinner when he works the evening shift.

A life where our strengths and weaknesses complement each other, and we fit together like we were meant to be.

I can’t really explain why I’m so hung up on Gabriel.

All I know is that I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.

Sure, I could run through a list of things I find interesting or appealing.

He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever met, of course.

I love his quirky style and the fact that he’s never afraid to be himself.

I love the way he’s always treated me with kindness and that he’s never made me feel “less than” because I’m shy and quiet and my anxiety isn’t something I can always control.

He didn’t even change the way he treats me after he saw me having a panic attack.

He’s creative and thoughtful and full of life.

He loves his friends and that little pup with his entire heart.

I could make a long list of reasons why Gabriel is amazing, but that wouldn’t be explanation enough.

There is no real reason I should have trusted him and let my guard down enough for him to lead me into that bathroom the first night we met.

There is no reason for me to have said yes to performing in front of a ton of people - something that is going to happen terrifyingly soon - just so I can spend time with him, or to have told him about the way water calms me instead of running out of his apartment after my last panic attack.

The only explanation I can come up with is…

Gabriel is magic. Not actually magic, of course.

I don’t think he’s some kind of demon or faerie sent to torment me with his looks and his laughter and his snark.

But there are moments when it feels like I can almost see through the walls he keeps so high and tight around his heart and soul, and the person he is as a whole - when all his joy and freedom and worries and fears combine - that person is perfect.

And finding someone who feels like that… well…that has to be magic, right?

I want so much more than what we have. I try not to.

I tell myself daily that he’s not mine, and that the way I’m pining after him is getting to be borderline creepy, but it turns out, I don’t really care if I’m creepy as long as no one else knows.

I want to know everything about him. I want to know more about how he met his friends, and to see him out with them, loose and dancing and feeling like he belongs.

I want to know about his family and his past and what his childhood was like.

He’s told me that he lost his grandfather when he was barely into his twenties, but he hasn’t spoken about any family since.

Is he nearly alone in the world the way I am?

I want to know every little quirk and fact and funny story that makes him who he is, and I want to take a lifetime to learn them.

I know that I don’t have a lifetime, that every day we spend with each other is just one day closer to the end of our time together, but it doesn’t stop me from enjoying them and from wishing there was a way to keep him in my life forever.

Once his cold clears and we begin practicing together, it’s obvious early on that our separate performances blend together seamlessly, and very few changes are needed for the show to look perfect.

The first time I see us on video, even though it’s a shaky, blurry thing Gabriel recorded on his phone, it’s hard to believe that it’s really me in the tank below his silks.

We look perfect from the start. We don’t take any risks, of course.

Both of us know that it takes hours of rehearsals to ensure there aren’t any mistaken movements or nonsynchronous moments during a performance, and we practice at least twice a week leading up to opening night. Well…opening afternoon.

We perform four shows leading up to our grand finale, each of them in the late afternoon or early evening hours.

Emma decided that making sure most of the performances were accessible to our normal clientele was more important than trying to shmooze as many donors as possible.

It was the right choice, and I love that she realizes just how much things like aquatic centers and museums mean to school groups and kids and families.

While I want our show to be able to help the center financially, of course, that’s not the reason I chose to start performing as a merman instead of heading out to the coast every time I felt the call of azure and grey.

I choose to perform because it offers me more than an escape from the fires that live in my mind.

It offers me a chance to help brighten the lives of others at the same time.

Each of our performances is somehow better than the previous.

From the moment I pull on my tail and drop into the tank while Gabriel climbs the scaffolding holding his silks, I don’t have to think about anything.

I fall into a trance as we flow together, and it feels no different than sitting beside the shoreline for hours or being bound in Gabriel’s ropes.

I simply let go and listen to the instrumental music Gabriel chose and watch him soar overhead like he was born to float on the breeze.

He commands the attention of the crowd and the silks and the universe.

Watching him from the depths of my tank, getting to move with him like we’re two pieces of a whole, it’s an honor.

No matter how things end between us - even though I know he might simply walk away while I want to cling to him and beg him to stay in my life forever - spending time with him has changed me.

He’s allowed me the chance to feel safe while being vulnerable.

He’s told me I’m brave while I’ve been scared.

He’s made me want to be stronger and more open and find a way to start actually living my life rather than simply existing in the world.

I don’t know that I’ll ever be strong enough to tell him that I’ve fallen in love with him, but maybe…

just maybe…I can ask for one more memory to keep me safe at night once he’s moved on.