Page 42 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)

Even though it makes sense, it’s even harder to bear than if he’d simply forgotten it was me.

It was so long ago, and it happened so quickly.

He could even have had a few drinks that left him with a bit of a blurry memory.

If he’d simply drunkenly forgotten it was me, maybe jogging his memory would have led to him exclaiming it was the best night of his life, and he’d actually been searching for me for the past year.

There could have been a chance he wanted me the way I so desperately want him.

But no. He’s known it was me the whole time, but instead of wondering and pining like I’ve been, he’s just not interested.

He squeezes my hand tightly. “We’re okay, right?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re good. But…you really never sleep with the same person twice?

Not ever?” I hope that my words don’t come out sounding judgmental.

They’re not. I’d never judge anyone for their sexual preferences or activities.

I’m just disappointed, and I bet it would be easy to misinterpret the sound of disappointment for judgment in this case.

“Nope.” He offers another smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and all I can manage is a nod.

“Hun…it’s not you, I swear. I promise. It’s just that…”

“No, don’t. It’s okay. You don’t owe me any kind of explanation.

It’s not that. It’s just…well.” I sigh and drop my head onto the table once more in an attempt to pull my thoughts together.

“It’s just…when we did the thing with the rope.

It was good. It was so, so good. I’ve never been able to just let go so completely like that, not even when I’m in the water because, ultimately, I’m the one who has to make sure I surface or don’t get swept out to sea and drown.

With you, I was just able to let go and trust that you had me. ”

“Of course, hun. That’s how the ropes are supposed to feel, but the ropes aren’t the same thing as sex.

It’s not like I go around trying to find guys to have one-time rope sessions with the way I have one-night stands.

Not everyone is interested in rope play, and even if they are, there’s usually a lot of discussion and negotiation first. If you want to schedule a time for us to do another rope session, I’d definitely be open to… ”

I shake my head as I raise my forehead from the table.

“No. I mean yes. For sure yes, but you’d said that it can be sexual for some people, too, and I haven’t been able to get that idea out of my head.

” I roll my eyes with an embarrassed huff.

I guess I’m so far in this now that I might as well tell him everything.

I already opened my stupid mouth and started rambling about how he said the ropes can be sexual, too, even though he just told me he won’t consider sleeping with someone a second time.

I don’t have a whole lot to lose by laying it all on the line at this point.

Either he’ll understand what I’m trying to say - what I’m trying to ask - and offer me a polite “Sorry, but no,” or he’ll kick me to the curb as soon as the show is over tomorrow.

I guess, either way, I can look back and tell myself that I was brave enough to try.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve tried to have sex.

I mean, aside from that night with you. Years, actually.

” I slide my hand out from under his and start picking at a hangnail.

Maybe he won’t mind if I can’t look at him while I talk if I’m watching my fingers do something super important, like making myself bleed.

“Tried is sort of the operative word there.

I'm obviously a big guy. And while I know that body shape or size or gender or physical parts don’t have anything to do with bedroom preferences, most of my partners haven't gotten that memo. That was okayish when I was younger. I could put aside the fact that what I wanted was to be cherished and cared for and taken apart, tiny piece by tiny piece. I could be dominant and powerful and give my partners what they were after, and it was okay. Not great but okay.”

I sigh deeply and fight to keep my gaze on my fingers. It’s hard not to look into his warm brown eyes even though I’m scared I won’t like what I see there. I don’t think I could handle judgment or pity from someone as kind as Gabriel.

“I’ve only been with a few people, and most of those were serious but long-distance relationships.

There were years of nothing more than stolen kisses and rushed hand jobs through fatigues with sand scraping up my dick or quick meetups at less-than-stellar hotels while we both happened to be in the same place for a few days.

My partners were all nice people, and I’m glad I got the chance to be with each of them for a bit, but if I’m honest with myself, the sex wasn’t ever what I really wanted.

Even on the rare occasions I outright asked for what I needed. ”

Gabriel reaches across the table once more, pulling my fingers away from the now-bleeding skin before he stands without a word, quickly returning with a damp napkin that I take without glancing up.

I have to finish. I don’t want to know if he’s looking at me with pity before I even manage to ask him for what I want, or at least try to explain why I’m asking in the first place, even though he already outright said no.

I’m not actually trying to coerce or convince him.

At this point, I just want to explain why I brought it up.

“The past few years, the idea of settling into something like that again just doesn’t feel like enough.

I want more. I want it to be tender and thoughtful and, well…

I want someone who understands that I don't want to be in control.

That I can't be the one in control anymore. I can’t take the lead just to give my partner what they want and try my best to enjoy it the way I used to.

The last time I was in control, people who trusted me were hurt, were more than hurt.

It wasn't my call. Like everything else in the military, the orders came from someone with more power than me. Someone I don't know. Someone I couldn't scream at or punch once I woke up and realized what their decision…and what my following their orders had led to. The fact that it wasn’t my decision is the only reason I'm still here at all, I think, but I still struggle with the knowledge that I could have said no. I had no reason to, and saying no to orders for no reason isn’t really an actual option. But technically…technically, I would have stopped it, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. It’s not like I knew what the outcome would be and chose to say yes.”

I shake my head with a frustrated growl before taking a deep breath and holding it for a moment. “I know that doesn’t make sense, and I don’t really want to talk about…I just…that’s not what this is. I can’t…fuck.”

Gabriel’s hand is resting over mine again. I’m not sure when exactly he put it there, but I’m thankful for it. For its warmth and strength, and for the way he seems to magically calm me without even trying.

“I can’t talk about that, and I didn’t really mean to bring it up.

I just meant to say that I can't be the one in control when someone else's safety is on the line anymore. Not even when it’s something as basic as sex. I’ve tried a couple of times, but I get stuck in my head worrying about little things like whether I’m thrusting too hard or too fast. I’ve never really wanted to be in control in bed in the first place, and now… well…I just can’t.”

I talk faster, trying to ignore the lump in my throat and the tears that sting the corners of my eyes.

“I've tried one-night stands where I lay out my expectations clearly from the start. I've tried dating and hoping that the tenuous first threads of care that mix with desire by date three or five or ten will be enough to make my partner truly understand what I need. Nothing has worked. How can it when I'm not even entirely sure what I need? What I do know is that no one needs me to have a breakdown or panic attack in bed the moment they ask me to make a decision or take control. But you’ve already seen me like that. You’ve seen it, and you’re still here. You’re still my friend…

I think. And when you tied me, when you took control and just let me exist, that was everything I’ve spent a lifetime looking for, and the idea of combining it with sex…

I don’t know…maybe that could actually work for me. ”

I take a deep, steadying breath and draw up the courage to raise my eyes.

He’s watching me carefully, not with pity or concern or disgust, and once again, Gabriel offers me the unexpected.

He doesn’t seem upset or worried or like he’s trying to find a way to kick me out of his apartment and his life and change the locks before morning.

Instead, his face is open, a soft smile teasing the corners of his lip, and his eyes…

his deep, endless brown eyes glow with something that my overly vulnerable and emotional self interprets as lust or want or need.

Then he shakes his head, and it’s gone. “We can do that, hun. I can give you that. I’d be honored to give you that.

To share that with you. But I can’t offer you anything else.

I only ever do one night, and that’s not something I can change, but…

” His smile seems almost sad. “We can pretend those men at the club were strangers, and this can be our one night.”

I offer as much of a smile as I can while sniffing back tears that still threaten to fall. “Whatever you need. I get that it can’t be more than that, and that it doesn’t mean anything more. I know this would just be you helping me out. Hell, you can pretend I’m someone else if you want, and…”

He gasps. “Babe. Are you kidding me? You are probably the hottest man I know. Trust me when I say having sex with you again is NOT going to be a hardship. My one-night rule has absolutely nothing to do with how much I want someone. Trust me, okay. If I did repeats, I’d be jumping you constantly.

I just don’t date, so I don’t want to end up hurting you by letting you think it can be anything more than it is. ”

He leans across the table and slides his jaw along mine, and god, the way my body shakes at such a simple touch.

The breath I didn’t realize I was holding escapes my burning lungs with a desperate and shaky exhale. “That would really be okay with you? Doing this with me as a favor?”

He huffs out a musical laugh and flicks his tongue along my throat.

“Babe. This will not be me ‘doing you a favor.’ This will be us finding pleasure together. Lots and lots of pleasure. Because I intend to take my time and pull you apart until you’re a sobbing, trembling mess before putting you back together, oh so very slowly.

If you happen to learn something about yourself and what you need from partners in the future during the process, fabulous, but I don’t want you to think for even a moment that this will only be about me doing you a favor. ”

By the time I open my eyes, I’m a shivering pile of need, and he is smiling at me like the predator I met that first night in the club.

I’m pretty sure I’ve just doomed myself to a lifetime of solitude because I already know that after I spend a night in Gabriel’s control, no one else will ever be enough.