Page 32 of Tell Me Softly

Chapter Twenty

Kami

I could barely see a thing. I had to feel my way along the lockers to reach the door.

As I exited, I saw the janitor and told her there was still someone inside.

She asked me what I was doing there, and I murmured a response, then jogged away, feeling in my pocket for my keys and getting in the car.

I took off before Thiago could follow me and see the effect he’d had on me.

When I was far away from school but not yet in my neighborhood, I stopped and hyperventilated.

What in the hell had just happened?

I brought my hands to my face and leaned my forehead against the steering wheel.

It’s not like I was new at this. I’d hooked up with guys.

I’d kissed guys under the bleachers with everyone watching.

I’d made out with Danny in his SUV; I’d let guys feel me up in the pool, on the beach, in the woods.

Danny and I had done it, and I’d done it to myself, I’d brought myself to orgasm.

But none of it, absolutely nothing, had ever felt the way Thiago’s fingers had moving in and out of my mouth.

I couldn’t stop thinking of how he had eaten me up with his eyes. Those green eyes. Glowing with hatred, but also with a lust that made my heart race.

My underwear felt wet, and my body was asking for—demanding—more.

But Thiago!

Thiago hated me!

And he was right to.

Plus, there was Taylor. My best friend. And I loved him too much.

The eight years without seeing him hadn’t changed that.

But we’d kissed. And yet, when I’d been with his brother, I’d wanted nothing more than for him to lift my skirt and do every crazy thing that came into his head.

I had nearly told him to. When the lights went out, it’s like we’d moved into a parallel reality where nothing in our past had existed.

Where I wasn’t forbidden from wanting him. That was going to be a problem.

A huge truck passed by, and the noise roused me from my fantasy that had begun taking on a life of its own.

I needed to focus on something else. It had been a mistake.

Thiago had put his finger there to try to shut me up, but I was crazy or something was wrong with me.

I took advantage of him, sucking his fingers like they were candy…

What the hell did he think of me? Had he wanted to take it further?

He must have. Kamila, stop , I told myself.

But I couldn’t. My imagination took flight like a bird migrating for winter. I thought of what it must be like to unbutton his pants, reach inside. Kneel down, take him in my mouth…

Someone honked the horn, and I jumped so much I almost hit my head on the roof of the car. So much for my fantasies. I forced myself to take several deep breaths and put the car back in gear.

Five minutes later, I was home, and Thiago’s car was nowhere to be seen.

It had been in the lot when I left. I wondered if Taylor was there.

If so, he was probably waiting to talk about what had happened in class.

What kind of person would hook up with one brother in the morning and the other that same night?

I scurried inside and leaned my back against the door after I shut it.

I’d made it; I was safe from my neighbors for now.

But the calm didn’t last long. When I went to the kitchen for a drink of water, my father looked up from his laptop, which was open on the table.

The anger on his face made me freeze. He told whoever he was talking to on his cell phone that he’d call back in five minutes, then set it down and asked, without even greeting me, “Where the hell have you been?”

“At school,” I replied quietly.

“I got a call from them this morning.” He stood and retrieved a beer from the fridge. “I hear you’ve been kissing guys in class. Have you completely lost your mind?”

Blushing, I responded, “Dad…”

“Don’t Dad me, Kamila. I thought we raised you better than that.

I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am. I was told they kicked you out of class, and the principal said this is par for the course lately—that you already got in trouble once, and apparently everything has to do with boys.

I thought you and Danny were going out? Do you just kiss anybody? ”

“Danny and I broke up, Dad.”

I hated how he was talking to me, but I also didn’t have much of a defense.

“Oh. Fine, then. I guess that’s a good excuse to just go around kissing everyone?”

I wanted to tell him it wasn’t his business, but that would only make things worse.

“Do you know what kind of image this is giving people?”

I sighed, ready for a lecture on how our family image mattered above all else.

“I’ve always been hands off with you. You deserved it.

I always thought you were very mature. And you know I adore you.

But if you think I’m going to let you ruin your future because you can’t keep your hormones in check––”

“Dad! What are you saying?”

“I don’t have time, Kamila! I can’t keep you in line too.

I have too much else on my plate. Thank God your mother doesn’t know about this, but if we get another call from the school, I won’t hide it from her, and I promise you she won’t be merciful.

You’ll be grounded the rest of the year.

You hear me? This is not the time for you to lose your head over a bunch of guys you’ll never see again.

Yale. That’s the objective. You need to focus on that.

Guys and everything else can come later.

But for now, think about your future. Understand? ”

I nodded. I was upset, but I knew he was right.

“The way things are going, you may well need a scholarship. I can’t promise I’ll be able to pay your tuition at an Ivy League university.”

After he said that, he left the kitchen. I felt like a kid again. And for the first time, I was worried about what lay in store for me.

I didn’t even have dinner that night. Instead, I sat at my desk, just in front of the window that looked out onto the house next door. I doodled on a sheet of white paper, waiting for Thiago to come home. Hoping he’d look out his window and see me. But he never did.

Before I got in bed, I looked down at the pair of lips I’d drawn.

They seemed to be trying to tell me something.

I’d always liked anatomical drawing, analyzing the human form, trying to figure out what traits made a person what they were, how feelings were expressed in the body.

I think I managed to capture this in my art.

But this time, I didn’t know who those lips belonged to.

Were they Taylor’s? Or Thiago’s?

***

The next morning, I got up early. After class that day, we’d be going to Falls Church, and we needed to bring a bag with clothes for the weekend. Falls Church was two and a half hours away, and it was the nearest town with a nationally ranked team.

I had no idea how the weekend was going to go, but two days in a motel with all my friends––including Taylor––and with Thiago as a chaperone was the worst thing I could imagine right now.

I threw my gym clothes and my cheerleading uniform into my bag.

We’d spend the whole next day practicing.

I included a couple of nice outfits in case we went out to eat, and naturally, I didn’t forget my pompoms. I also grabbed my father’s gigantic UFC shirt, which I loved to sleep in, and my makeup bag and skincare.

When I dragged my bag downstairs, Mom was waiting for me with breakfast on the table.

“You’ve got ten minutes, and then it’s time for us to go,” she said, finishing her coffee.

I’d asked her to take me so I wouldn’t have to leave my car in the lot for the whole weekend.

I poured myself a bowl of bland cereal and looked up as I saw my cell phone slide across the table.

I was surprised and excited as I picked it up and heard her say, “Call me when you get to Falls Church. And don’t get too excited.

The phone comes back to me once the trip is over. ”

So much for that brief moment of happiness. But at least I had the chance to check my Instagram and read my latest messages. Two in particular caught my eye. One was from Taylor:

I don’t know what it is, Kam, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Please tell me we can at least talk things over this weekend. Don’t let my brother come between us. Good night, precious.

Damn. I guess I wouldn’t be able to duck him as easily as I’d hoped. Not that I wanted to, or not entirely. I liked Taylor, I liked spending time with him; he made me feel…good.

But then there was Thiago. He had made it very clear to me that my life would be a torment if I didn’t stay away from Taylor. And I didn’t doubt that he meant it.

There was another message from that morning at four a.m. I didn’t have the number in my saved contacts. But I knew who it had come from.

Not a word about what happened. Don’t mention it to me or anyone else. I hope this time you know how to keep your mouth shut.

I had no idea how I was going to handle all this. I could tell myself to stay quiet, and I would, but that didn’t mean it would vanish from my mind…or his.

How could I look him in the face after what had happened? And worse still, how would I look at Taylor?

On the way to school, I blasted music through my earbuds so I wouldn’t have to hear my mother talking shit about my father. I wasn’t in the mood, especially not after my conversation with him the night before.

I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek when we arrived at school and went inside without stopping to talk to anyone.

I walked to my locker, bopping my head to my music.

As I gathered my books, I saw Taylor and his friends walking down the hall.

I knew he saw me, and he tried to come over, but I pretended not to notice and walked off into the bathroom, where I remained until the bell rang.

Because of that, I was late, and my math teacher didn’t appreciate it.