Page 19 of Tell Me Softly

Of course it wasn’t. I felt a fire burning in my chest as I remembered that moment. I’d sworn I’d never think about it again, that I’d hide it in the deepest part of myself.

“Things are tough between us, Taylor,” I said. “We broke up, and he’s having trouble handling it. He loves me, you know? And I don’t want to cause him problems…”

“What about my problems? I keep him from hurting you, and now I’ve got two weeks of detention! And you’re worried about causing him problems? Him? What the hell is going on, Kami?”

“I’m sorry, Tay, I really am. I’ll go back and talk to the principal again if you want. I promise, this was the last thing I…”

Taylor grabbed my arm and jerked me behind a column. Then he pulled his hand back, remembering my bruised wrist, and we both looked down at it, as if it were proof that I wasn’t being honest with him. “If he even comes close to you again, I’ll kill him,” Taylor said.

I’d never seen him so angry. Acting that way because of me…it made me feel the way I did when we were little kids: protected.

“It won’t happen again,” I promised him, looking him in the eye.

In the ensuing silence, I felt the urge to reach up and touch his black eye, as if doing so could cure him, as if I could make that wound disappear. He hesitated, lips apart, wanting to say something, but before he could, a janitor passed by, and Taylor pulled away.

“You should head home,” he said.

I’d almost forgotten that I was about to do that before all this happened. At least he’d made me forget how scared I’d been to give blood.

He told me he’d see me tomorrow over his shoulder as he walked away, and I felt bitter and powerless as my eyes welled with tears. I took deep breaths and hoped I wouldn’t cry. My phone buzzed. It was a message from Danny: Thanks for fucking everything up.

I walked to the bathroom and shut myself in one of the stalls, trying to get a hold of myself before going back outside.

I didn’t want to risk anyone seeing me like this.

How had it gotten this far? I didn’t want Danny to feel this way.

I didn’t want him to hate me. I wiped away my tears, only leaving once I thought I wouldn’t fall apart on the way home.

***

The next day at lunch, I walked into the cafeteria to find every single person in there staring at me.

I hated that. I’d never wanted to be the center of attention; I didn’t want people talking about me at all.

It didn’t matter if what they had to say was good or bad.

I looked over to where the teachers were sitting and saw Thiago.

His expression was inscrutable as he looked up, and soon he turned back to his tray.

Taylor was with the guys from the team. None of them were pleased to see me. I’d gotten some of them in trouble—I could have even gotten the team captain expelled—so I guess I understood where the hate was coming from.

My friends were at the same table as ever. I walked over as if everything was cool, as if I had no idea anyone was upset about anything, and plopped down in the seat Kate had saved for me.

“I heard you started a fight,” she said.

“I didn’t start anything,” I said, opening my backpack and taking out my sandwich and bottle of water.

“I’m sorry, Kami, but you can’t expect people to just keep quiet about the three hottest guys at the school fighting over you. Not to mention the hottest person on staff,” said Lana, popping a wedge of apple into her mouth.

“Thiago didn’t fight with anyone,” I said, wishing I’d just stayed home that day. I even wished I were at detention, where no one was allowed to talk.

“I see you know perfectly well who we mean by the hottest person on staff ,” Kate said. She loved needling me about these things, and it was impossible for me to hide my feelings from her.

The blood rose in my cheeks. But what could I say? It was true that our math teacher was good-looking too. Before Thiago came along, half the girls were in love with him. He was forty or something, but he looked twenty-five. Still, Thiago was in a whole other league.

“Lady Kamila, are you blushing?”

Dammit. I hated that stupid nickname! I stood and grabbed my bag.

“I’ve told y’all a million times, don’t call me that.”

They didn’t even apologize. I regretted losing control of myself, but before I could do anything about it, I’d already marched out of the cafeteria.

I decided to go to the fields, where a lot of us liked to stretch out under the sun on our free periods.

It would start getting cold soon, so I wanted to take in as much warmth as I could.

Somebody had followed me out there, and when I lay down, hoping to warm myself up inside and out, I noticed a shadow falling over me.

“Running away from your problems?” Julian asked, tossing an orange in the air and catching it in the same hand. My eyes followed it distractedly.

“If by my problems you mean other people, then yes.” He raised his eyebrows to ask permission to join me, and when I waved, he lay down next to me.

He kept throwing his orange in the air, higher and higher, and caught it every time.

I imagined it coming down and hitting him in the face, and I chuckled.

I looked over to the football field, where a group of guys was tossing the ball.

Twenty minutes left in the lunch period: twenty minutes before returning to the tedium of class.

“You know, you’ve got a gorgeous smile,” Julian said.

“I’m not much of a smiler, though,” I said, hoping I wouldn’t blush again.

Julian’s hair was dark, his skin bronze, his eyes narrow.

He and Kate both took after their father, who had been born in Hawaii.

I’d always been a little jealous of Kate’s particular good looks.

Her half-brother shared them. They made one hell of a pair.

“Yeah, but when you do smile, there’s something behind it. I like that… It’s not just the surface. The truth is, your smile tells me whatever you’re thinking isn’t very nice at all.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I was imagining that orange coming down and hitting you in the face.” He sat up at once and shoved me softly on the thigh.

“You’re a psycho!” he shouted.

I sat up too, and we looked at each other, entertained. “We should be friends, right?” he asked, peeling his orange and finally freeing me from his intense stare.

“What is this, kindergarten?” I asked. “You think you just tell me we should be friends and that’s it?”

“I like to cut to the chase.” A huge grin spread across Julian’s face as he handed me a wedge of his orange. “You want to go to the movies or something sometime?”

I didn’t want to be mean and tell him no, but I wasn’t even sure things were settled with Danny yet, and starting something with Julian already would be…

He continued, “I don’t really feel like I’m fitting in here, you know? People tell me I’m, like, really reserved or whatever. I mean…”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand what he was saying.

“I guess I’m talking mostly about the guys. It’s a small town, and…I’m not sure me being gay won’t weird people here out.”

“You’re gay?” I asked.

He passed me another piece of his orange and nodded.

“Yeah. Barely anyone knows.”

I couldn’t believe I’d been so self-centered to think he was coming on to me. Was I that suspicious that I couldn’t just let someone invite me to the movies?

“Why are you telling me this?” I tossed the piece of orange into my mouth. “You barely know me…”

“Honestly?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Because you thought I was trying to hook up with you and you were about to turn me down.”

I couldn’t believe it. He had read me like a book.

“I get it!” He rushed to defend himself. “Listen, if I were straight, I’d be into you, but trust me, you don’t need to worry about that. I’m just looking for someone I can hang out with, and I like you.”

“I’m sorry I…”

“It’s already forgotten. Anyway, you look like you’ve got your hands full with the Di Bianco brothers—I get that you wouldn’t want to add someone else to the list.”

I blinked, confused.

“Why do you bring them up?”

“They’re obviously insane about you.”

That made my heart race, but I couldn’t believe what he was saying was true. “Give me a break. Thiago can’t stand me! And Taylor, he was always my best friend. I hope he still is, but he’s like a brother; he’d never think of me that way.”

Julian’s lips pursed and moved to one side of his face as if to say, Poor little thing .

“Kami, Taylor’s in love with you, and so’s Thiago, whether or not he knows it. I get the sense that Thiago’s stuck in an inner struggle. A part of him wants to throw you against the wall and get it on with you, and another part of him wishes you’d disappear and never come back…”

How could Julian know all these things?

“You’re wrong there,” I said.

“I’m not, though. I understand men, and for them, you’re like…”

“You’re wrong!” I repeated, a bit too sharply. “You don’t know—there’s a million things you don’t know, stuff that happened between us you can’t even imagine.”

I was overcome with emotion and concluded softly, “Thiago hates me, OK? And he’s right to.”

With those words, I got up, grabbed my backpack, and headed for the car just as the sun started to set.