Page 24 of Tell Me Softly

Chapter Fifteen

Kami

I watched Taylor go back to sit with the guys.

He had clearly found his place with them.

It was almost as though he’d never left.

Some guys still remembered him from before, but those who didn’t had only needed a few days to become inseparable from him.

Taylor was like that; everyone just naturally wanted to be with him.

He wasn’t serious and intimidating like Thiago.

With him, you wanted to laugh, have fun, get in trouble, and forget the rest of the world.

It’s hard to describe the pleasure I felt when his lips touched my ear.

When we had been together lately, even when we’d just looked at each other, I’d felt…

things. Heat. Nothing that resembled the excitement I’d felt when I was with him as a kid, the excitement of seeing someone who was like a brother…

I didn’t realize I had gone on looking at him until something else caught my attention, and I turned to find Danny trying to stare me down. I wanted to show him I wasn’t scared of him, that I didn’t care what he thought, but I felt a pain in my chest instead and turned my eyes downward.

“Are you OK?” Julian asked. I’d felt so much more relaxed with him ever since we’d talked the other night. I enjoyed his company, he was easy to talk to, and he’d been so open with me. He also listened, and not just because he was supposed to. He was actually interested in what I had to say.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I responded. Fortunately, Danny had started talking to one of his friends. Fortunately for both of us, I mean, because if Julian or Taylor caught him trying to scare me, they’d have both pounced on him again.

“Didn’t you promise me we’d have coffee together soon?” Julian asked, picking at his unidentifiable cafeteria lunch with a fork.

“Yeah, let’s do next week because I’ve got to deal with this biology project, practice, detention, plus the game this weekend…”

Julian nodded and said, “I get it. We’re all a little overwhelmed. It’s crazy to think the year’s barely started.”

Sighing, I nodded, took a sip of water, and said, “Welcome to senior year.”

“Who’s your biology partner?” Julian asked, poking around in his food.

“Taylor,” I said, looking up to judge his reaction. I was surprised to see him looking thoughtful. Then he winked, and I couldn’t help but grin.

“You like him?”

I turned the other way and shook my head.

“We’ve been friends since…”

“Since you were kids. I know. You’ve told me a million times.”

“Sorry, I guess I repeat myself too much.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that you talk about him every day, and I’m starting to get the impression you see him as something more than your childhood friend.”

“What do you know about how I see him?”

“I observe things. You in particular. Something happens to you when he’s around. I know more than you’d think, especially when someone’s interesting to me.”

With surprise, I asked, “Oh, so I’m interesting to you? Why’s that?”

Julian smiled, rested his chin on his fists, then shrugged. “I don’t know. You’ve got an aura.”

“An aura?”

“Yeah. It’s magnetic. It makes people unable to take their eyes off of you.

Like, look: if we just analyzed you from the outside, you’re not so different from the other girls our age.

I’m not saying that to offend you. I’m just saying what people like about you isn’t just your looks or even your personality, it’s this aura—it makes people want to be like you, or to be near you, at the very least.”

I was momentarily speechless. Then I said, “Sorry, I don’t have any aura.”

Julian laughed. “That’s exactly what people with an aura usually say: There’s nothing special about me, I’m just like all the other mere mortals …”

“I really am, though,” I insisted, but not without appreciating what he was saying.

“You’re unique, Kamila Hamilton,” he repeated, standing. “Like it or not.” He pointed at the tip of my nose and walked away.

He couldn’t be right, though. If there was anything special about me, it was the darkness inside me. A darkness that blotted out everything good and made people do things they would regret for the rest of their lives.

***

Practice was especially tough that afternoon.

We’d had a rivalry with Falls Church forever, and that extended all the way to the cheerleading squad.

They had scheduled our girls to compete against theirs just before the big game.

Kate, who had taken over as head cheerleader when I’d made it clear I wasn’t up for it this year, was stressing out over the choreography.

I ignored her. I was more interested in what the guys on the court were doing just then.

“Kamila, come on! Can you not get with the program?”

You could hear her screaming across the gym. Every single person stopped what they were doing and turned to watch with curiosity. I turned red as a tomato and glared at her. “Can you not stop screaming?” I asked.

Leading a cheerleading squad wasn’t easy. I knew––I had done it––but rule number one was to always keep a hold of yourself. Fine, I was distracted, but it wasn’t my fault that the game was three days away and we still hadn’t settled on our routine.

“Pay attention!” Kate said.

I tried to bite my tongue, but I couldn’t help telling her what I was thinking.

“The way you’re determined to do this pyramid is impossible, Kate, and we’ve barely had any time to practice because you can’t settle on what routine you want to do.

” I was over it; I just wanted to go home.

I was doubly pissed because I still had detention after, and Taylor and I would have to decide on a subject for our project after that.

“I’m the team captain—you don’t get to tell me what to do!” she said, smoke veritably streaming from her ears. “Or maybe you want to run the team, since you know so much!”

She threw her pompoms on the ground and ran off like a little girl throwing a tantrum.

I rolled my eyes. All the other girls were staring at me, waiting for me to do something. So finally, I hurried after her.

“Kate, wait!” I called, running behind her after she’d already shut the door in my face.

“You know how hard this is for me,” she said, “but instead of helping me, all you can do is criticize me!”

“Kate, I know it’s hard, but I’m trying to give you some advice…”

“Fine, but you don’t have to do it in front of the whole team,” she shouted. I was glad we had at least left the gym. “Don’t you see they won’t respect my authority if you do that?”

“I’m sorry, OK? It wasn’t my intention. But seriously, we can’t keep wasting our time on that pyramid.

They need to have a sense that we’ve got the routine worked out, otherwise they’re just doing a bunch of random moves.

Focus on the choreography, and when you get that ironed out, we can do as many pyramids as you like. ”

At first, Kate didn’t want to listen, but eventually she nodded, then looked to where a group of cross-country runners was stretching out.

“I don’t know why you don’t just do it. You’re obviously better at it than I am.”

“Don’t be stupid. You’re great. You just need to get your priorities in order.”

“Priorities. Sure.” She grinned and looked me in the eyes. “Like you with my brother, right? That seems to be a priority for you.”

I was confused at first. But when I saw what she meant, I started to laugh.

“You know what you just said makes no sense whatsoever, right?”

“Oh, really…? You do like him, though, don’t you?” She seemed scared of the answer. I wondered if it was possible she didn’t know her brother was gay. If not, I certainly wasn’t the person to tell her. So I tried to thread the needle, telling the truth but not revealing Julian’s secret.

“Kate, I swear, we’re just friends.” I wove my arm through hers and walked her back toward the gym.

“He looks at you like he’s completely sprung.”

“You’re way off base, but it’s fine, think whatever you want.” I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to lie to her or hide things from her, but I wasn’t sure I had a choice.

Kate and Ellie were two friends I shared absolutely everything with. And that made it hard not to tell Kate about her brother. But I was sure I was doing the right thing. It just wasn’t my business.

We continued training until six. I watched all my friends chatting as they walked to the parking lot, ready to go home.

I had to grab my backpack and head to the library.

I hated being there after six. The halls were deserted, there was barely any light coming through the windows, the whole thing was just depressing…

“Hey, partner!” I smelled Taylor’s cologne as his arm passed over my shoulders. “You ready for a round of hangman?” He said it softly enough that Thiago, who was in the doorway watching us, couldn’t hear.

I’d always thought the game was kind of dumb, but he and his brother could both play it for hours, and I’d never seen anyone so good at it.

They came up with the longest, strangest words, and they had some kind of otherworldly capacity to guess when it was your turn to try to stump them.

I used to think they cheated or that they had some kind of trick that helped them win.

“We should use the time to study, you know.” He frowned at me, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

That made Thiago look at us more closely, his expression icy as ever.

“Come in and sit down,” he said. As soon as we walked past him, I saw Danny there in the back of the room.

For the love of…this detention was going to be the end of me.

But actually, it passed quickly—not just because I played hangman with Taylor, switching to tic-tac-toe after he beat me five times in a row—but also because time with Taylor was just like that; he made the minutes fly by.

He was always fun to play games with. I remembered how much he used to like hide-and-go-seek and how Thiago could never find us.