Page 44 of Sunrises & Salvation

HUNTER

FIVE MONTHS LATER

M y intuition is never wrong. The feeling deep in my gut always attempts to steer me in the right direction. Do I ever listen to it, though?

No.

No I do not, because if I had listened, I wouldn’t be stuck in this hotel room on a Christmas vacation with my boyfriend while he goes and talks to his ex-boyfriend.

I told him he should go talk to him, because it’s fine.

Trent has been amazing for the past five months; our relationship has been smooth sailing and enjoyable.

The two of us have fun together. When he’s not working, he’ll come up to the bookstore and sit with me while I work.

Or he’ll read books to me while I work around my house.

It’s always soft kisses and gentle touches.

And the one thing we promised each other was honesty. That was a breaking point for me, and for him. One of the main things we agree on is that honesty and trust are the foundation of a relationship.

So when he told me he ran into his ex, of course I knew who it was.

Kian Smith, a.k.a. super-hot OnlyFans star, who quickly rose to fame after he moved to Arizona.

After Trent had cheated on him and accidentally given him an STI.

I can’t blame Kian for fleeing; in some ways, I understand him.

When faced with harsh realities, my instinct is also to flee.

What I didn’t expect was for Trent to want to talk to him.

I hate to say it, and to admit it, but it’s the end of us.

I could tell from the look in his eyes earlier that he’s still in love with the other man, and I’m not going to stand in the way of anyone’s happiness.

He’s going to go up there, and he’s going to put his heart on the line.

It doesn’t feel like he’s cheating on me, but at the same time, he is.

He didn’t end things with me before he walked up there, and the longer he’s gone, the more reality seeps in.

He’s doing the same thing that I did to Thomas: going behind my back to be with the person he really wants to be with.

I’m sad, of course I am, but that’s life. I carefully fold my clothes and tuck them neatly into the suitcase that I brought on vacation with us to the ski resort, the bright white snow-capped mountains creating a picture-perfect background.

I always knew there was a part of Trent that he was holding back, something that was keeping him away from truly committing to us. I wish him all the best, I really do. And I hope that Kian can find it in his heart to forgive Trent, because Trent is an amazing man. He’s just not the man for me.

A self-deprecating chuckle releases from my chest. Isn’t that how my life goes?

I’ll never be anyone’s first choice, and it’s something I’m coming to accept.

My chest is tight, and my throat constricts when I try to swallow.

I need to get my emotions in check before Trent comes back; he doesn’t need me to be a wallowing mess when he already has so much going on.

I can give him this. I can offer him a semblance of peace, even if the chaos brewing inside my head demands I break. I won’t, I can’t.

I take it upon myself to pack his bag as well, leaving out a change of clothes for him tomorrow. There’s no point in drawing out the trip. We can go home and go our separate ways. He, back to Kian. And me, alone. Alone, like I’ve always been. And that’s okay.

I tuck myself into the cold bed, letting the blankets fall over me and offer me comfort for the heartbreak that I know is coming.

The lights are still on, and even when I close my eyes, I can see the glow.

I won’t turn it off; I don’t want Trent to stumble through the dark bedroom, no matter how much I shouldn’t be trying to make his life easier.

The next morning was awkward. I woke up to Trent lying beside me on the bed, on top of the covers, keeping a shred of distance between us. He was still snoring while I carefully peeled myself out of bed and moved our bags toward the door.

Ordering room service, my stomach roils at the thought of food, but I need to eat before we start the trek home. We didn’t have a chance to talk about it last night, but I have enough respect and love for Trent that I don’t want to stand in the way of something that will make him truly happy.

Trent wakes up when breakfast is dropped off at our door, and he quietly gets ready while I spread our food out on the small table.

We eat, just the sounds of us chewing echoing in the room while we avoid each other’s eyes.

He opens and closes his mouth, trying to force words out that don’t want to come.

The conversation is exactly what I expected, him admitting that he’s still in love with Kian.

“I’m so fucking sorry Hunter—” I cut him off with a wave of my hand.

“I know you are. You would never purposefully hurt anyone, let alone me. It’s just a lot to take in right now.

” Trent nods. “The reason I packed our bags is because I thought you cheated on me, but I think it’s worse knowing that you’re in love with him but here with me,” I say, the words burning like acid on my tongue.

The truth is simmering just under the surface, but I tamp it down.

I already have enough issues going on right now, and if I take too many more on, I’m not sure I’ll survive it.

“He doesn’t want me. Not anymore,” Trent finally admits, staring down at his breakfast forlornly.

“I don’t think that’s true, and I doubt you truly believe that,” I tell him, wondering what kind of Twilight Zone I am in right now. My boyfriend is breaking up with me, and I’m the one comforting him. But Trent needs comfort, and I can offer him that no matter how much it hurts me.

“What else can I believe? I can’t get my hopes up to be let down.”

“That’s the thing about love, sometimes you don’t know what’s going to happen.

You just have to take that chance.” I took the same chance, and it left me broken and running away.

I ran away from my home and the only people who loved me, because my heart was a battered and broken organ that I had no hope of fixing while I was still around the person who hurt me.

“I’m scared.” He sounds so sad and terrified.

I stand up, walk around the table, and hold him in my arms. I give him the support he needs, because while this hurts, he’s struggling with his own emotions.

It’s something he confided in me—that he’s always had trouble saying how he feels—and knowing that he feels safe enough with me to talk about it chips away at the hurt I feel.

We’ve both made mistakes, and maybe that’s the only reason we were meant to be together: to give each other the confidence to go after what we truly want.

“I know you are, but you’ll make it,” I tell him, pushing back the strands of hair that fall across his forehead. Tears stream down his face, and he lets them flow, not bothering to wipe them away.

“You deserve someone who would steal the sun because they don’t want anything to outshine you.” His words are eerily similar to something that Adam said to me in his room.

“Would you do that for Kian?”

He doesn’t say anything, but from the look on his face, he would. He absolutely would.

“Can we still be friends?” he asks me, and my heart drops.

Because, as nice and comforting as I’m trying to be right now, I can’t be friends with him.

Not while I watch from the sidelines after he goes after the person he loves, while I’m still fighting my feelings.

I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or envy that he’s brave enough to go after what he truly wants.

“Not right now, Trent,” I say, trying to soften the blow as I step away from him.

The trip home gives me a lot to think about, wondering how we came to this point. The thoughts and feelings I’ve been harboring are battling their way forward, tearing down every wall I’ve carefully constructed to fight off the influx of sentiments regarding Adam.

Yes, he hurt me. I know that, logically, but there’s still a part of my soul that’s tethered to him, even after all this time, and I can’t fight it off.

My feelings for him are as inevitable as the feelings Trent had for Kian.

Fighting them only drains you further and leaves you more vulnerable in the end.

Flashes of Adam in college, all the times he held me and listened to my inner ramblings. When he fed me after I had forgotten to eat all day. Buying my favorite snacks so I wouldn’t have to go to the store to get them myself. Lazy days spent in his room while we studied and worked on homework.

So many memories held in that small room, love confessed and bonds forged. As much as I want to fight away the memories, they are relentless in their pursuit of making me remember.

Trent drops me off at my house, and I open the door, letting myself in and really taking in what has become of my life.

I’m 27 and painfully single. I have one friend who lives four hours away, whom I haven’t talked to since I quit my job.

Parents who love me. A roof over my head and groceries in my fridge.

I shouldn’t have this bone-deep ache and desire for something more in my life.

But I do, and it’s not something that I can wish or will away.

I tried to do that before and tried to replace him, but it's painfully obvious that avoidance is not the answer to my problem.

I need to confront this once and for all.