Page 37 of Sunrises & Salvation

ADAM

T he spreadsheet on my computer is blurry, and no matter how many times I rub my eyes, I can’t distinguish the thin lines between the columns.

The highlighted column flashes, waiting for my formula, and I type it in, waiting for it to compute the total.

It’s busy work for my microeconomics class, but something he’s drilled into our heads that we have to know to go into a business-related field.

It’s not horrible, Excel does all the work.

It’s making sure the formulas are right, that’s annoying, and extremely detail-oriented.

It works, thankfully. If it hadn’t, I probably would have shut the computer in annoyance and lost all of the work I’ve done thus far.

I refuse to check my phone or the clock that is currently face down on my desk. If I break once, I’ll continually check it until I hear from Hunter. I need to be productive while he’s gone, since I haven’t been doing as much as I probably should for my classes.

Who could blame me, though? Would they want to work on Excel spreadsheets and accounting logs if they had someone like him in the same room? Exactly, no. They would not.

But he’s out with Thomas. Breaking up with him as I think about it, and I shouldn’t be so gleeful, but I am. Sue me.

I work on one more formula, even though the numbers are starting to look wrong from how long I’ve stared at them. When I get that one completed, I save my work. Twice, just because I’m paranoid, and the thought of going through that fuckery again is enough to make my eye twitch.

My fingers itch to grab my phone, but I made a silent promise to Hunter that I would not interrupt his time with Thomas. He doesn’t need the extra stress of wondering what I’m saying in his messages at the same time he’s talking to him.

A part of me does feel bad, for Hunter, not for Thomas, because I know how much Hunter hates hurting people.

It’s in his nature to soothe and comfort, and knowing that he hurt someone, and now he’s going to have to look that person in the face…

it’s going to be a lot. The only thing I can do is be here for him and comfort him like he always does me.

The mention of him comforting me has me reaching for the children’s book propped on the edge of my desk.

The one his mom gave me, and that he promised to read aloud to me.

It’s childish, the thought of a guy reading aloud to another guy, but that’s just Hunter.

He doesn’t care how something seems to the universe; he only wants to be helpful and useful.

It’s going to be his downfall, but I’m going to be here, ready to catch him.

I flip through the pages, tracing my fingers across the words and the illustrations. My mind is flying with the imagination packed into every single page.

I wonder how different my life would have been if my parents had cared.

My mother, in her desperation to keep my father and his money, caused the destruction of almost everything. If only he hadn’t mentioned divorce that night at the dinner table, so casually and cruel in his nature, maybe she wouldn’t have gone off the deep end.

The threat of losing her wealth and her esteem was too much for her.

I still don’t know why she tried to kill me as well, the wine glass carefully poised in front of me. I was never allowed alcohol, it was strictly prohibited because my dad didn’t believe I was strong enough to hold it, not like a true man would.

But that night, she placed the glass in front of me, and a glass of bourbon in front of my father, after we sat at the table and listened to him talk about his long day dealing with investors and whatever the fuck else he did for work.

I watched them sip, pretending like my mother wasn’t falling apart right in front of my eyes. My father succumbed first, so quickly I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late.

When my mother collapsed, too, I screamed. Hoping someone, anyone, would help, because what the fuck happened?

My breathing was choppy; no matter how deeply I tried to inhale, I couldn’t pull oxygen into my lungs fast enough to calm my racing heart.

One of the kitchen staff ran into the dining room, and through the strong nausea and tightness in my chest, I tried to explain what happened.

I passed out and woke up in the hospital. Danielle and her mom were waiting outside my hospital room, and as soon as they told me what happened, I knew my life would be fucked beyond repair.

An orphan.

So then I had to move in with Danielle and her mom until I graduated high school.

My parents named her as my guardian in case anything happened to them.

It was just a little too convenient with everything else, but I didn’t question it.

I didn’t think that her mom, or my parents, would be able to have a hold on us forever. Boy, was I fucking wrong.

Apparently, before my dad died, he and Danielle’s mom were already working up an agreement for me and Danielle to wed, after we graduated college, of course. Some scam to make sure the wealth from both our families could stay centralized, and they would both benefit from it.

All of this. All of this was put into effect before I got a say or had any knowledge of it. Because my mother had put cyanide in our cups.

The memory still haunts me, the concern about someone touching my drink without my knowledge causes the familiar panic to bubble up until it overflows.

Until Hunter, the one person I trust not to hurt me. The one person who I know will make sure I’m taken care of and okay. I’ve never had that before him.

I quickly text him.

Adam: I miss you. Hurry back, there’s something I need you to hear.

Because there is something I need him to hear.

I need him to know how much I love him. I love Hunter Collins so much it shouldn’t make sense.

It doesn’t make sense, nothing about us does.

But I don’t care. I’m going to look into his dark brown eyes and utter those three words I’ve never said to anyone.

Because I’ve never before felt the way I feel about Hunter.

Like my skin is on fire when his body grazes mine, or like I’m missing a piece of myself when he’s gone.

There’s a knock on my door, some kind of divine intervention if that’s him, not giving me time to back out and truly think about the consequences of what will happen if it gets out that we’re together. But thoughts of the future are on the back burner in my mind. The only thing I care about is him.

I open the door, and my good mood plummets. Standing in the hallway, with a glare from hell and red-rimmed eyes, is Danielle. Oh, fuck.

I swallow, choking down the bile that’s rising in my throat, because I’m not ready to talk to her yet, not like this. When she’s already obviously upset, it won’t be good for either of us.

But as she walks in the entryway, and I’m wiping my sweat-coated palms on my pants, I know that no matter which choice I make—to stand in front of her, confidently telling her that Hunter and I are together, or if I lie to save us some time, it’s going to be wrong.

And it should be wrong, because I’m an asshole for wanting to hide this from Danielle.

This is her life on the line, too, and no matter how much she truly wants to give her mom the middle finger and tell her to fuck off, that’s just not feasible.

She has no reason to care if Hunter and I are together, not really. But as she looks at me with watery green eyes, I realize that I’m going to have to look at the person I’ve hurt and confront my feelings. And Hunter is a better man than I ever will be.

“Hey, what’s up?” I ask, aiming for nonchalance.

“How long, Adam?” She gets straight to the point, and I wrap my arms protectively around my midsection. Playing dumb won’t get me far, but I’m not thinking rationally. Between the the flashback from earlier, thinking of Hunter, and already being scared to talk to her, my mind is a war zone.

“What?”

She huffs, her annoyance showing through as she swipes at her cheeks. It breaks my heart to watch her in distress, but I don’t reach out to comfort her, I can’t.

“How long have you and Hunter been fucking around?” My mind freezes, but she doesn’t seem to care as she lays into me, raising her voice with every syllable.

“You told me that we had to keep this relationship believable. You have drilled that into my skull since the day I told you I didn’t want to do this anymore.

You told me we have to. And now here you are, willing to risk everything!

” She screams the last word at me, and I flinch.

I wasn’t ready to talk about it before, and I’m definitely not ready to talk about it now, because what she’s saying is true.

I’m a hypocrite. I was the one who said we should stick with the courtship bullshit, to make sure that I got my inheritance and she got through college without her mom on her back.

At the time, I thought it was a win-win for both of us. I can see now that what I’ve done is worse. I’ve betrayed her. Not because of the cheating, but because of how far I went to hide the truth from her.

“Just tell me the truth, Adam, are you and Hunter together?” She sounds resigned at this point, and I heave a deep breath.

“No, why would you ask that?” Hunter will understand when I tell him how she came in here upset, he’ll understand why I couldn’t tell her. I’ll find a better time and we’ll work through this.

“Don’t. Don’t fucking do that Adam. Don’t make me out to be the crazy one for thinking that.”

“Then don’t act fucking crazy and I won’t.

” The words are out of my mouth before I can realize, and I watch her nostrils flare.

But this isn’t how this was supposed to go and everything is getting fucked up because I don’t know what to do.

I need Hunter here with me, because he would know the best way to take care of this.

“Stop! After everything, why are you lying to me?” Her voice cracks, and I send up a silent prayer to whoever the hell is in charge of running my life, that after this, they’ll give me a break.

I throw our conversation back in her face, the one we had before we left for that first weekend trip to Hunter’s parents’ house.

The weekend that changed my life. And I don’t regret a single moment.

“I’m not lying to you, Danielle. He’s weird, and we’re just friends.

That’s what you told me to do. You told me to be nice to him; to hang out with him and maybe it would help him make more friends.

” Hunter isn’t weird, though, he’s perfect and lovely and beautiful.

Weird isn’t the right word, and I don’t know why that’s the one my mind has fixated on.

“I didn’t mean you should sleep with him! For fuck’s sake, Adam, you’re straight. You’ve never even looked at another man. I wanted you to be his friend because he seemed like he needed one!”

The word ‘weird’ is still on the tip of my tongue.

Maybe it’s the influence behind it, the thought of being seen as weird in any connotation is always bad.

Today feels like the day I should be weird, to take the gauntlet or whatthefuckever and drink from the chalice and let Danielle think whatever she wants.

Because my chest aches at the fact I’m denying Hunter, the feeling is so similar to that same day in my dining room with both of my dead parents.

“You know what? You’re right,” I say after a moment, and she cuts herself off, her mouth agape while she processes what I said.

“I never even looked at another man until him. I love him, Danielle. And I don’t know why I was hiding it from you, but that’s the truth.

I’m in love with Hunter. He’s my boyfriend.

” I say the last part on a hysterical laugh, tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes from the onslaught of emotions.

“And I fucked up by not telling you, and by trying to hide him. But I don’t want to hide him, Danielle.

I want to love him out loud. I want to hold his hand.

I want to kiss him in public. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

He’s mine.” My chest is heaving and I’m sucking in breaths too fast, feeling like I’m choking on air, and she just stares at me.

“So, you can support me and him. Be by our sides, and we can find our way out of this fucked-up situation with our parents. Or not. Either way, I don’t care anymore. The only thing I care about is him.”

“You asshole.” She pushes me, hard. I stumble, hitting my back on the counter in my kitchen. “I cannot believe you would do this to me.” She whacks her hands against my chest, not enough to hurt but enough to drive her point home. “You should have told me sooner.”

“I know,” I admit on a sigh, feeling the crushing relief of letting go of this secret.

“I’m so mad at you.”

“I’m sorry, I really am. But don’t be mad at Hunter, he’s been asking me to tell you because he feels awful.”

“I don’t care about that; I could never hate him.

You on the other hand, you’re in some deep shit with me.

It will take a lot of sucking up.” She attempts a smile, but it’s wobbly.

I open my arms, waiting for her to step into them.

I take a page out of Hunter’s book and embrace her.

Soothing her as she cries into my shoulder.

Her cries die down, and she steps back from me, wiping her eyes with the palms of her hands. “Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for me to come in here like I did.”

“That’s okay. We all make mistakes.”

“You more than others.”

“You’re not wrong,” I agree. When we share a small smile, I realize everything will be okay.