Page 10 of Sunrises & Salvation

ADAM

F uck. I run my hands through my hair, tugging on the short strands to the point of pain.

Why did I do that? Why did I treat him like that?

I could see the look on his face while we walked back to my dorm, he looked serene.

Like he was finally at peace, and the flutter in my stomach morphed into a slew of butterflies.

Over him. He looked so happy while we walked down the sidewalks filled with people, and my hand itched with the need to tangle our fingers together. But that’s crazy, because I am not gay.

He’s interesting, I could watch him all day, learning every mannerism he possesses.

The wide smiles he shows when people pass by, but no matter how hard he tries, I can see the hint of melancholy underneath.

I want to take away each and every thing that causes him pain.

When he followed behind me into my room, my heart stopped for a minute and then started back up in a different rhythmic pattern. One that belongs just to him.

I rushed, trying to find those stupid notes, I knew I brought them with me. Every single thing I own is in this room; the mansion on the other side of town houses nothing except the remembrance of my parents. I refuse to set foot in there, not yet. Maybe not ever.

The house that I grew up in, where so many memories were made.

A dull pain spears through my head when I try to push away the memories.

I’m not strong enough to visit them yet.

But the visions of maids picking up after me, making sure the place was spotless all day, every day, no matter what was going on in those four walls of hell.

I finally found them at the bottom of a gray tote that was pushed into the back of my closet.

But when I walked out of my room and saw Hunter standing at the kitchen sink, and all the clutter from the table gone, I was hit with a sense of…

Wrong. This was all wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be now.

I can take care of myself and clean up after myself.

I can do the little things that it takes to be independent, but the clutter is a reminder that no matter what happens, I’m still me.

And it’s dumb, I know that. But it’s a choice I made when I came to college.

Leaving behind the thoughts and feelings from growing up with two absent parents and being entrusted to the care of nannies and watching as maids did everything around the house like I was helpless. I’m not helpless.

The walls started closing in on me, the imaginary world that I’ve built up around me crumbling, wall by wall.

I’m not Adam Carter, second-year business student with friends and loves to write in his free time.

I’m Adam James Carter III, being molded into a cut-throat businessman.

Others’ feelings don’t matter; what matters is being the best. Watching my father drink himself to death in the study of our too-big house while my mother lay in bed and cried over their loveless marriage.

My father told me countless times he wished I hadn’t been born, just so he wouldn’t be shackled to her.

I didn’t understand before, but fuck, do I now.

Love makes people weak, it makes them do stupid things.

My mother was weak for falling in love with a ruthless man she thought she could change.

Night after night of him getting home late and never telling her where he was, even though everyone knew.

If it wasn’t for the perfume smell, it was definitely obvious by the fresh lipstick marks and hickeys he walked around proudly with.

Like he was showcasing a Rolex instead of breaking my mother’s heart.

It’s something that I can’t move on from. Therapists, psychiatrists, even the school has tried to help me. There’s nothing that can be done, my brain is rewired. Fucked past the point of oblivion.

The only thing that has brought me a semblance of peace has been writing, putting my thoughts into words that can explain the pain I’m feeling when I can’t find the words to say out loud.

That’s changed now; something in me is calling out to Hunter.

With his brown eyes and the slight scar on his upper lip.

I yearn for him, and for his bright smiles that I wish were truthful.

Maybe that’s what this is, my pain recognizes him.

We’re two peas in a pod in this fucked up world, meant to stay by each other and keep each other secure and protected.

I have to fix this. I need to offer Hunter something, so he won’t think I’m another asshole who is going to keep his smiles and push him away when he gets too close.

What can I say though, I’m sorry for freaking out because it reminds me of the past I don’t want to think about? That’s a shitty reason, even for me. But it’s the best I’ve got. He seems like the kind of person who understands, but it won’t fix the problem.

I’ve never worried what anyone else thought about me.

Danielle knows what she signed up for, and the only reason she sticks around is because I’m all she knows.

My life isn’t the only one that got fucked up because of my parents, Danielle got dragged into it too.

I wish I could change everything that happened.

But I don’t have that power, so instead we’re stuck in this loveless relationship.

Just like my parents. And their parents. And probably their parents before them.

No matter how much I want to break free from the cycle, it won’t happen. I’ll end up being just like my father. And that’s my worst fear of them all.