Page 36 of Sunrises & Salvation

HUNTER

“ Y ou could have just told me,” Thomas says, and I shrink back in my chair.

The loud sounds of the Mexican restaurant are killing my head, but at least I ordered a small queso before we got this underway.

If I go back to Adam’s room hungry, at least I’ll have the memory of the delicious queso and the awkward conversation to keep me company.

Thomas huffs, and I shrink farther in on myself, feeling the disappointment radiating off him.

“I’m not mad at you, but I do wish you had talked to me.” I sniff, refusing to let myself tear up over disappointing someone. I’m a grown-up, people might be disappointed in my actions from time to time. That doesn’t mean I should automatically start the waterworks.

“I’m really sorry,” I stutter out, my voice cracking.

“It’s fine, Hunter. Really.” He reaches his hand out, and I place mine on top of his. The smooth skin of his palm feels wrong against mine, but I don’t pull away. “Look at me.” I do as he says, looking into his eyes. “I promise, it’s fine. There’s no hard feelings.”

“Why are you being so nice to me about this? You should hate me.” My words are strained, and my eyes are swelling with the pressure of holding the tears back.

“I don’t hate you. You’re cool, and we’re cool.” He rubs his thumb over the back of my hand.

“So, we’re still friends?” I ask. Hopefully, because he’s been so nice to me about this situation, and I enjoy just talking to him.

“Yeah, we can still be friends. And as your friend, this is me telling you not to cheat on anyone else.” He laughs at himself, and I cringe.

“I promise not to cheat on anyone else.” And it’s a promise I plan to keep.

I still don’t understand how he’s being so understanding about the whole situation, but as we sit at the restaurant and he tells me all about how his midterms went, I realize I’m grateful.

I’m grateful to have someone who doesn’t fault me for one bad decision and still wants to be my friend.

He could have yelled and cussed me up and down every wall in this restaurant, but he didn’t.

And that says a lot more about him than it does me.

We finish our dinner, and he pays the bill. I argue with him about it, demanding that I at least pay half. He shakes his head, pushes his chair out, and stands up.

I follow behind him, my stomach full of way too many chips with salsa, my leftover box securely tucked in my hand. I refuse to leave without the goods.

“Do you want to go for a walk? Or do you need to go back?”

I think about it for a moment. The only thing waiting for me back at campus is Adam, and I’m sure he’ll be fine if I leave him alone just a little while longer. He might even be having that conversation with Danielle, and I don’t want to interrupt that.

“Want to go to the fountain?” The fountain is clear across campus, right in front of the university center. But it’s beautiful at night, the bright lights shining on the bronzed metal of our school mascot.

Thomas shrugs his shoulders but lets me lead the way anyway.

“When I asked you about your kiss with Adam, I didn’t expect you to tell me you were seeing someone else.” He finally breaks the silence, the night air rapidly cooling around us and sending a chill down my spine.

“I didn’t want you to think it was a one-off thing.” Which sounds horrible, and I hate that I even did it to begin with, but it’s hard to regret anything that led me to Adam.

“And I appreciate that. Can you tell me who it was?” I choke on my spit, trying to aggressively cough to clear my throat. Thomas slaps me gently on the back.

“What?”

“It’s cool if you don’t want to, I’m just curious who took my boyfriend from me so quickly. I’ll have to step up my game in my next relationship.”

“He’s not… out yet,” I say hesitantly.

“You’re good with that? You shouldn’t put yourself back into the closet just because the person you’re with isn’t out.

He isn’t trying to hide the relationship, is he?

” Kind of, kind of not. But Thomas has never seen Adam like I have.

He hasn’t seen his soft side, or the caring side.

Or the side that massages my temples when I tell him I feel a headache coming on.

But he’s not actively hiding our relationship.

I don’t mind it either, because he has a lot riding on his future.

I would feel horrible if I were the reason he couldn’t accomplish what he wanted to do.

“Yeah, I’m okay with it. One day we’ll be out,” I say with conviction, knowing that Adam is the one for me.

“Damn, okay.” He jokingly holds his hands up in a surrender motion. “Don’t shoot me for asking questions. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

We walk in silence until we get to the fountain, the loud pulse of water thrumming. I inhale, smelling the faint scent of fresh water and dried leaves. It’ll be Christmas break in no time, and I’ll be right back here. Studying. Living. Loving Adam.

Coming to college away from home terrified me at first. My first month here was awful, I thought I for sure made a mistake. But over time, I realized it was never a mistake to be here, I’m exactly where I was meant to be.

All the bullying growing up, the hateful words and abhorrent actions, they all led me to this point. I was strong enough to survive it, and now I’m thriving.

“Thanks,” I tell Thomas, bumping my shoulder against his.

“For what?”

“For being my first boyfriend, sorry I screwed it up so badly.” He pushes me off him, laughing.

“Hunter, you act like you’re the worst person ever, and you’re not. We dated for barely a month and a half.” A month and a half is still a lot of time to get to know someone. People decide in less time than that to commit themselves together for life.

“If you say so.”

“I do.” He yawns, cracking his jaw loudly and smacking his lips when he finishes.

“I’m exhausted, and I have to work tomorrow.

Want to study on Wednesday? I have a paper due Thursday, so I’ll be in the library.

” My chest warms; he can’t hate me if he’s still asking to study. Maybe our friendship will work out.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“So will Danielle, so if you want to bring your other guy, you can trust us.”

“Thanks, Thomas. Really.” I wish I could say so much more, but he’s already shaking his head and walking toward his dorm.

“Quit thanking me. But you’re on snack duty, so make sure to bring something good for all of us to share.”

“Done.”

I wait until he’s out of sight, and I check my phone. There’s one message from Adam, flashing red on my notifications. I click it open.

Adam: I miss you. Hurry back, there’s something I need you to hear.

Ten minutes ago. He texted me ten minutes ago. My heart flutters in my chest when I turn toward his dormitory, walking briskly in the cold air and trying not to jostle my takeout box too much. I don’t want my leftover queso to spill all over my tacos, making the corn tortilla soggy.

I push the front door open to the lobby, letting the warm air rush over me. The night shift RA waves to me, and I return the gesture, rushing to get to the elevator. The nerves about what Adam has to tell me are coursing through my body.

What is he going to say? Is he going to say he loves me?

The door to Adam’s room is in my view and I have to control my anxious thoughts so I don’t end up freaking out before I even walk in.

I stop in front of his door, about to twist the doorknob, when I hear Danielle on the other side. Oh, I should definitely not walk in there right now. If they’re talking, I can give them privacy.

Until I hear Danielle say…

“Just tell me the truth, Adam, are you and Hunter together?” I hold my breath waiting for his answer, because he agreed to talk to her, but it sounds like she is very upset.

I don’t know what he’s going to say, if he’s going to try to calm her down or confess everything.

Either way, I trust him. If he says no, I know it’s because he wasn’t ready to confront the truth like this.

I wouldn’t have been able to tell Thomas the truth if he had raised his voice at me like that.

“No! Why would you even ask that?” His voice is quieter, calmer.

“Don’t. Don’t fucking do that Adam. Don’t make me out to be the crazy one for thinking that.”

“Then don’t act fucking crazy and I wouldn’t.” My jaw drops at the venom in his tone. I’ve never heard Adam talk like that to anyone. Sure, he’s snapped a few times, but never anything like that.

“Stop! After everything, why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not lying to you, Danielle. He’s weird, and we’re just friends. That’s what you told me to do. You told me to be nice to him; to hang out with him, and maybe it would help him make more friends.”

My stomach drops, the color flooding out of my face. I put my takeout box on the floor, wiping both of my clammy palms on my legs. Panic sets in, and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Because Danielle did what? She wanted him to be friends with me. Did she seriously see me as that much of an invalid that I can’t make my own friends?

But Adam’s words are ricocheting in my head. Weird. Weird. Weird.

The same word that kids at school used to taunt me with before they shoved me down to the ground and took turns punching me in the face. The same word used against me when I was avoided in the hallways and no one would sit by me at lunch.

I thought for sure college would be my chance to break away from that label, to let go and enjoy myself. To learn to love me for me and be proud of myself. That was supposed to be college for me.

Tears stream down my face, my sinuses burning, and my nose running from the pure force of me holding back my sobs.

I don’t want to hear anything else they have to say, but I need to know exactly what they think of me before I walk away.

Because as soon as I walk away from here, it will be the last time I see either of them.

“I didn’t mean you should sleep with him! For fuck’s sake, Adam, you’re straight. You’ve never even looked at another man. I wanted you to be his friend because he seemed like he needed one!”

That’s my cue, I can’t stand here and listen to them talk about me like that. To hear how pathetic they truly think I am.

Good grief, I really am an idiot. I was dumb for ever believing that they wanted to be my friend, and that Adam would want anything to do with me.

Pity. That’s what it was. Pity. And that’s the worst part of it all.

How many nights did I stay up, talking to Adam and telling him all my hopes and dreams. How many times did I meet Danielle in the library and listen to her contemplate whether she really wanted to be a doctor because her science courses were difficult.

All the times I listened to them talk and regaled them with my own dumb stories. And it was all out of pity.

I race down the stairs and out into the cold air. I run all the way to my dorm room, my legs burning and my chest heaving, trying to breathe through the pain in my body and in my heart.

My roommate isn’t here, thankfully. I don’t know if I could have held this in any longer. I fall face-first onto my bed, screaming into my pillow until my throat burns. The tears have dried, but my body still rocks with the dry sobs.

I call my mom, my hand shaking as I hold the phone up to my face. She picks up on the third ring, groggily speaking into the phone. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Can Dad come pick me up, please?” My words are slow because if I speak any faster, I’m going to break down harder than I did the first time.

I wait for her to come up with an excuse or tell me that I need to stay on campus. But she does neither, instead, I hear her wake my dad up. Their whispered conversation comes through my speaker, and I hold the phone between my ear and my shoulder, packing my bags while they talk.

“We’ll be there in a couple of hours. Is everything okay?” she asks, her voice laced with concern.

“No, it’s not. I—” I cut myself off with a cough. “I’ll be fine until you get here. I’ll tell you everything.”

And when I have all of my artwork carefully stored away into my portfolio, and every single one of my belongings is packed into the suitcases I brought to college with me, I wait for their text to tell me they’re here.

I immediately block Danielle and Adam’s numbers, deleting our chat history and clearing all the pictures I’ve taken of us out of my library. Every memory we’ve made together is tainted with the words spewed out of their mouths.

I watch the clock tick down, slowly counting the moments until my parents once again whisk me away to protect me from my problems. Like they did when I was in school, I’m sure they didn’t expect it to continue on to college.

When my phone finally, finally, rings. I carefully balance all of my bags and carry them out of my room.

I won’t be setting foot in here again. I shut the door behind me, waiting until I hear the automatic lock engage, and I drag my suitcases to my parents’ car, with not even a shred of dignity left to my name.

While my dad drives, I watch the fading lights of campus disappear into the night sky.

“Do you want to talk about it?” my mom asks when we reach the halfway point.

And I do. I tell them everything. From the first moment I met Adam, to hearing him and Danielle talk about how pathetic I was. The cheating, the nights I spent in Adam’s room, the nights at the library with Danielle.

“Oh, honey,” my mom says, her voice sad, and I catch my dad’s eye in the rearview mirror. “It’ll all be okay. I promise.” I don’t know how she can promise that when it feels like my life is disintegrating right in front of my eyes.

My dad pulls into our driveway and helps me get the stuff out of the back of his truck.

Tomorrow, I’ll worry about everything. Tomorrow, I’ll email my professors and come up with some lame excuse for why I can’t make it to class.

They’ll probably fail me, and at this point, I would be okay with that.

I don’t want to go back to campus for any reason.

So if failing my first semester of college is what it takes to help me get the rest of my life back on track, so be it.

I fall asleep in my childhood bedroom, the exhaustion from the day settling deep into my bones as I fade into blackness.