Page 28 of Sunrises & Salvation

HUNTER

T homas kisses my forehead, a soft touch in the middle of the sidewalk. I love it and hate it. I’ve been craving love for years, filling my time with romance books full of romantic kisses and exuberant declarations of love. But his lips on me feel wrong.

No . They feel fine, I’m just not used to public displays of affection like this, and I’m getting used to it. This is what I wanted: someone who would be proud to be seen out with me. And that’s Thomas.

After our date, he texted me when he got home. We texted until I fell asleep, the long messages between us taking up my screen. He’s nice and interested in getting to know me.

That didn’t stop me from staring out the window and picturing my life differently.

A movie plays out before my eyes where Adam runs across campus to announce his feelings for me.

Sometimes I picture it on a rainy day, and he is tossing rocks at my window, except it’s not actually mine.

Other times, he drags me up to the roof of the library to stargaze while he names off every constellation, and he points to one where he bought me my own star.

The similarity between every one is that as soon as I snap out of the daydream, I’m back to the self-hatred that seems to be a constant thing since Saturday.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” Thomas asks. “I get off work at the coffee shop at four, but if you want to come a little early, I can make it worth your while.” He waggles his eyebrows.

“What? An iced lavender oat milk latte?”

“Duh. That’s like the only thing you drink.” He wraps me in his arms, and the cool scent of bergamot floods my senses. He warned me that he doesn’t know what a personal bubble is, and if one person hadn’t ruined me, I would be basking in it.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there. I don’t have homework, so I’ll probably get some new bookmarks done while you work.”

“Deal.” He leans in like he’s going to kiss me, and I panic, because we’re moving fast. Too fast for me. I turn my head, and his lips touch my cheek.

I don’t know why I’m worried about moving fast, but still. I just had my first kiss, sexual experience, and date all in the span of three days. I need something to slow down, or I’m going to get all of my first times out of the way in less than a week.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I wave and he turns, heading toward the back parking lot. Danielle and Adam come out of the library next, looking like the cozy couple they are. I can’t help but glare at Adam because he didn’t tell her. Don’t ask me how I know, but I do.

Danielle hugs me, and I let myself sink into her embrace, enjoying it while I can because as soon as she finds out that Adam and I messed around and didn’t tell her, I doubt she’ll want to hang out with me anymore.

And that sucks. I already feel myself pulling away from the friendship with her, worrying about the repercussions of my actions.

“So, you and Thomas?” she asks, and I nod, refusing to look at Adam glaring a hole into the side of my head. “We should totally go on double dates. There’s a new sushi restaurant we were talking about the other day, let’s plan it?”

“Sure, sounds good. Just let us know when. But it’s not like we’re dating -dating .

We’re just having fun.” I think. I don’t know, and how pathetic is it that I don’t even know what’s going on in my own dating life?

I blame all of the confusion on the man standing beside her, the definition of calm, cool, and collected. The asshole.

“That’s the best part of college, you can date or hook up with whoever you want, and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.”

“No, that’s not what I—” I don’t want to just hook up and date whoever is available.

I want that deeper connection, the one where you can’t fall asleep without dreaming about the other person.

Every waking moment is spent wondering what that person is doing and thinking about what you are going to do with them when you are together again.

“I’m trying to give him a chance, but it’s still really new. Like really, really new.” We’re moving fast, but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Especially when I’m taking a selfish card out of Adam’s book and using someone to help me move on.

Danielle breaks off from us, veering to the left and leaving Adam and I in silence. I don’t know what to say to him.

He walks beside me, the quiet sounds of campus the only things that can be heard.

“You never showed.” He finally breaks the silence, and his tone is irritated.

I bristle at the confrontation. He wants to do this now? It should be obvious from my not showing up what is going on between us. Nothing, because there is nothing going on.

“Did you come up with that yourself?” I bite out, and then immediately feel bad because this isn’t who I am. I don’t hurt people just because I’m hurt. I silently apologize to him, but I won’t utter the words out loud because he’ll take that as his cue to convince me to give him a chance.

“I want to know why,” Adam demands, and I ignore him while I keep walking toward his dorm room. I don’t even know why I’m going there; I didn’t leave my notebook in his room. But my stupid, uncooperative feet don’t listen to me as they keep carrying me down the sidewalk in step with Adam.

“Is this about Danielle?”

“It wouldn’t make a difference if it were Danielle or any other girl.” A lie, because I don’t think I would be able to ignore the temptation of him. No matter how much I would like to think I’m a good person and I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone in that way.

“You said you would give this a chance.” His tone is hurt, and I glance up at him. Is he trying to deceive me? Why is he acting upset over this? He doesn’t know me. He’s merely curious, and he thinks that I’m the answer to his questions.

“And I changed my mind. I’m allowed to do that.”

“There’s nothing I can say that will change your mind?” An ache starts to form in my chest. Can he please just let this be a clean break, and we can go back to acquaintances who go on double dates with their significant others from time to time.

I don’t answer him.

He opens the door to his room, and I follow in behind him. He turns to look at me, his blue eyes bright, the slight shadow in his left eye showing more now that I’m standing this close to him.

“Collins, I’m going to be honest.” He steps closer to me, the tips of our shoes touching as I breathe in the heady scent of his cologne.

“I won’t play fair. You don’t have to give me a chance, but I’ll make sure you can’t forget about me.

” My mouth dries, my tongue sticking to the roof, and my pulse thundering in my neck.

“You can ignore me, go on dates with Thomas, ” Adam hisses his name like it’s a curse, “but I’ll be there.

There won’t be a day that goes by where I don’t cross your mind.

Nod your head if you understand.” I nod my head, stupidly.

“Good boy,” Adam says, and I should be embarrassed by the reaction my body has to those two words. My dick twitches in my pants. “And when you’ve had enough of Thomas being nice to you, come find me and I’ll give you what you need.”

“What is that?” I rasp out, trying to swallow to moisten my mouth and throat.

“You don’t need someone nice. You already have that taken care of. You need someone who is willing to ruin anyone who tries to hurt you. Someone who stands in front of you to protect you.” He’s saying all of the right things, but there’s one problem.

“That can’t be you. Because I want someone who’s proud to be seen with me, who wants to take me on dates and go for walks and get coffee from cute little coffee shops.” He glares at me, tilting his head down until our noses meet.

“I would be so proud to be seen with you, but there are other circumstances preventing me from that. But if you want to use that as an excuse, you need to be ready to stand behind it. Because I’m going to do whatever it takes to show that you belong to me.

” His cool breath brushes my face with every enunciation of his words, the cool mint gum he’s chewing filling me with my own craving.

I kiss him. I press my lips against his and swallow down whatever words he’s going to speak next, I don’t need to hear them.

This is a bad decision, any choice I make that involves Adam is made without using my brain.

He makes me feel insane, like I don’t have control of my body.

He’s the one calling the shots and bending me to his will.

His hands cup the back of my head roughly, jerking me until our bodies are pressed together, his hard dick rubbing against mine behind my zipper.

“I’m fucking crazy for you,” he says, shoving his tongue into my mouth and tangling it with mine. We rut against each other, the pleasure that I get from him insurmountable and incomparable to others. And damn him for ruining me for everyone else. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

But when my orgasm crests, I cry out into his mouth, feeling the pulse of my release spew out of me and coat my underwear. Adam is right behind me, groaning out my name as his body shudders.

When I come down from the high, the guilt settles into me like a five-ton boulder, making a home inside my chest.

“This was a mistake,” I whisper, and Adam freezes.

His deep, shuddering breath fills the silence.

I can’t pull myself away, though, he’s a magnet.

When he’s in my vicinity, my body searches for that deep connection with him.

Sometimes it’s so strong that I can feel the invisible pull even when he’s not around.

At the coffee shop, the library, random spots around campus.

He’s ruined me, and he’ll continue to ruin me if I go down this road. My heart is already shredded; if I gave him full control of it, there would be nothing left to salvage.

“Please don’t go. Not yet.” Adam looks at me, peering into my soul and begging for me to offer something. Anything. But I can’t.

I step back, and he follows. Refusing to separate from me.

“Adam, please. Let me go.”

He bows his head, resting his forehead against mine. I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood, the taste of copper flooding my mouth, so I can avoid feeling my heart cracking in my chest. It’s irrational, we’re irrational. But that’s the way life works. You can’t pick and choose what you feel.

We stand like that until I can’t fight back the tears anymore. “I’m sorry,” I choke out. He rubs his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp.

“It’s okay, Collins.” He kisses my forehead, and then he tilts my head up to kiss my nose. My left cheek. My right one. And then the scar on my upper lip, which I’ve noticed his obsession with.

“Just know, I’m still going to inject myself into everything you do. I’m not going anywhere.”

And that’s what I’m the most afraid of.