Page 91 of Suddenly Beck

The phone rings again insistently and Nat frowns, declining the call again.

‘So, that’s why you don’t want to be in a relationship again?’ Nat asks quietly.

‘I don’t want to be that vulnerable again. I’ve only just begun to move past what happened with Mattia and then with losing Dad, the last couple of years have been hard. To be in a relationship again, I have to trust someone, not only with my heart but my body. Allowing someone to top you, is incredibly intimate, and there has to be a level of trust there. At times, I didn’t know if I’d ever get back there. That’s why I kept things simple, just sex and I always topped. It was just easier to keep it casual and walk away.’

I feel him stiffen in my arms and see the flash of hurt in his eyes as he pulls back, and I realise how that must have sounded to him.

‘Nat,’ I say as he pulls himself up. ‘I didn’t…’

‘It’s okay.’ He forces a smile as he stands and reaches for a pair of his jeans.

‘No, Nat.’ I climb out of bed and grab my shorts to pull on. ‘I…’

‘It’s okay, Beck,’ he says refusing to meet my eyes. ‘We always said this was just a fling until the end of summer.’ He grabs his phone from the table as it rings again, and he silences it without looking at the screen. ‘You didn’t promise me anything, and I don’t expect you to want more.’

‘But what if I do?’ I say quietly, and his eyes snap to mine, filled with hope, and my stomach, which had been writhing only moments before, calmed. ‘What if I do want more?’ I say drawing in a breath as the words dance on the end of my tongue. ‘Nat, I’m…’

The phone rings out again and Nat moves to silence it, but as his thumb grazes the screen it connects the call to speaker.

‘Nathan,’ A cold hard voice echoes through the room, and I watch as the colour drains from Nat’s face. His gaze drops to the phone laying in his palm as if it’s a live snake.

‘Nathan,’ the voice continues, despite the fact that Nat hasn’t responded. ‘Finally, I cannot begin to tell you how utterly irresponsible your behaviour has been, nor the embarrassment you have caused your mother and I. How could you? It’s always the same with you, Nathan. You never think of anyone but yourself. You’re selfish and ungrateful. Do you know what I had to do to smooth things over with William Fenton after your disappearing act? Or the time and money it has cost? I’ve overlooked a lot of your shortcomings, Nathan, but to leave your bride at the altar on your wedding day…’

My eyes widen in shock as his mouth falls open, and he hangs up the phone quickly, cutting his father off mid-rant. He tosses the phone onto the bed, rumpled from our lovemaking and still scented with the smell of sex. Only now it seems sordid and false, like it was all a lie. The room sways slightly as I swallow down the intense wave of pain.

‘Beck, please.’ He holds up his hands. ’It’s not what you think. I can explain.’

‘You were getting married?’ I whisper. The pain ricocheting through my chest like a bullet. ‘That’s what you were running away from? Was this all just a game to you?’ I breathe painfully as my chest contracts like a vice. ‘Was this just an experiment? A way to try out being gay before you settled down and had a family?’

‘No,’ he says desperately. ‘No, Beck, I swear. If you would just let me explain.’

I can feel the tears burning my eyes as I turn sharply and stalk angrily from the room, unable to bear even looking at him right now. I hear a thump and a muffled grunt, but I don’t stop. I head down the stairs yanking my shoes on and grabbing my car keys. I head outside and fling myself into the car, slamming the door as I jam the keys in the ignition with so much force, I almost bend them.

As I reverse out and pull away, I can see Nat racing out of the house calling to me, but I can’t hear him above the roar in my ears and the sound of my heart shattering.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Nat

Just when you think things can’t get any worse, things have a nasty habit of finding a way…

I watch Beck drive away, and I panic. I have no idea where he’s going, dressed in nothing but shorts and trainers, without even his wallet with him. My leg is throbbing unmercifully from tripping over the end of the bed in my haste to get to him. My stomach is churning, and I think I’m going to be sick.

I should’ve told him. This is all my fault. Pia said I should’ve told him about Grace, and she was right. Now, I’ve fucked everything up, and he might never give me the chance to explain. Now, he believes I was just using him. I head back into the house, knowing I have to find him and tell him it’s not true. He was never a game to me. None of this was.

Allowing him time to calm down, I shower quickly, washing the cum and sweat from my body, and feeling the tenderness in my arse from where he pounded me into the mattress earlier. What if that was the last time we ever make love? What if he won’t forgive me?’

I feel my eyes fill with hot tears as I scrub my face clean.

Dressing quickly, I lock up the cottage and head down into the bay. I spend hours looking for him, but he obviously doesn’t want to be found. He’s also driving, so I’m aware he could be miles away by now. Morning passes into afternoon and heads toward evening, and he still hasn’t returned. I’m in a full-on panic now as I head down to Sully’s.

I force a tight smile as people greet me, heading into the back kitchen where I know Mel is. She looks up from the veg she’s prepping, and her eyes widen in worry at the sight of me.

‘Nat? Whatever’s wrong?’

‘Have you seen, Beck? Do you know where he is?’ I rush out my voice cracking as the tears flood my eyes and the pain overwhelms me.

‘Nat, love.’ Mel rushes over to me. ‘What happened?’