Page 49 of Suddenly Beck
I sit down at the pine kitchen table I’ve never used as he slides a mug of coffee in front of me.
‘Thanks,’ I mutter, watching him contentedly as he bustles around the kitchen filling the barren empty space with his scent and his presence. He smells like rain and a light layer of sweat overlaid by sandalwood, and it wraps around me like a cosy cocoon in the dimly lit kitchen with the soothing patter of rain against the windowpanes. Smoothing all my rough edges.
‘God, how old is this cooker?’ Nat frowns as he attempts to light the hob with a match as the ignition switches no longer work. ‘It looks like something from the fifties. I feel like I should be wearing a frilly apron with curlers in my hair while Doris Day plays on the radio.’
I smile behind the rim of my coffee mug as I watch him crack several eggs into a bowl and start to beat them contentedly. There’s a stack of white sliced bread beside him and also a neat pile of sliced cheese and ham. He’s more relaxed now, and I can see why he enjoys cooking so much. It centers him, and as I see how tidy and ruthlessly organised his workspace is, I wonder if it fills a need inside him for some sort of control. From the little I’ve been able to piece together about his life so far and what he’s told me about his parents, I don’t think Nat has ever had much control over his life and decisions.
There’s a sudden scrambling of claws on tiles and Ursula, having finally cottoned on to the fact Nat is in the house, comes bounding into the kitchen with her tail slapping against the rickety cupboard doors.
‘Hey, pretty girl.’ Nat beams as he drops down and strokes her. ‘What have you got there?’
She drops the item she’s currently holding gently in her mouth into Nat’s outstretched palm, and he glances up at me with one eyebrow quirked. I rise up slightly in my seat to see what he’s holding and curse.
‘For fuck’s sake, Ursula, that’s the fourth time today I’ve hidden that. How do you keep finding it?’ I growl as I stare at the little stuffed black fin shark Nat bought me at the aquarium, which is now covered in dog drool.
‘It’s okay,’ Nat laughs easily. ‘Relax, Beck, it’s not like I bought you diamonds. It’s just a silly soft toy, and you did warn me she had a thing for them.
‘That’s not the point,’ I grumble as I sit back down. ‘That’s mine, and she’s got her own.’
He chuckles and stands up, leaving Ursula to wander out of the kitchen now she’s had some attention. I watch as he dips both sides of the slices of bread into the egg, coating them liberally before sliding them into the pan with a sizzle. Flipping them over after a moment, he lays slices of ham and cheese on one slice of bread before scooping up the other slice with a spatula and laying it on top of the other. He then flips the whole sandwich over and presses it into the pan for a minute before sliding it onto a plate, which he then sets in front of me along with some cutlery.
‘Eat before it gets cold,’ he instructs with a smile and heads back to the cooker to prepare a second one for himself.’
Cutting into it, the cheese oozes out, and I groan in appreciation, scooping the first bite into my mouth with a hum of pleasure. ‘So good,’ I groan as Nat sits down at the table next to me with his own plate and begins to eat.
‘This is the ultimate comfort food. Good for rainy days and hangovers, and as I have both, it’s the perfect cure. I used to make these all the time when I was at Uni.’
‘Had a lot of hangovers, did you?’ I smile as I continue to eat.
‘No.’ He shakes his head softly. ‘Not really. It’s not like I didn’t go out and socialise, but I suppose I never really trusted the people I was with enough to relax fully. God knows what they would have done to me if I’d been drunk.’
‘What do you mean?’ I frown, not liking the sound of that implication.
He shrugs. ‘The crowd I was inadvertently a part of weren’t a great bunch of people. I think I was only kind of included by default because of who my father is. Like I said, it’s very cliquey. You had to have the right kind of pedigree to be a part of their little social circle, and if you did, well, you were included whether you liked it or not, but the truth is they were bullies. They didn’t really like me, they tolerated me, because I was one of them, but they were always doing or saying cruel things and then passing them off as a joke.’
‘Hey.’ I reach out and touch his hand. ‘You’re not one of them, you never were.’
He sighs heavily. ‘I’ve done things I’m not proud of, Beck, because I was too much of a coward to stand up to them, or my father.’
‘You’re not a coward,’ I tell him softly. ‘And we’ve all done things we’re not proud of.’ He watches me carefully, and I can almost see words hovering on his lips, but he holds back. I get the feeling he’s been on his own for too long without anyone to confide in, and I have this desperate urge inside me to take away his pain. It’s a feeling I choose to not look at too closely, but one thing I do know is that I want him to be happy, and I don’t think he can be until he forgives himself and moves on.
‘Tell me,’ I say quietly as I push my empty plate aside.
‘Tell you what?’ He frowns.
‘Anything you like.’ I pick up my coffee and sip. ‘I can guarantee I’ve probably done far worse things than you, so this is a completely judgement free zone. We’re friends, right?’
‘Yeah,’ Nat says as his eyes soften.
‘You said that I’m the only one you feel like you can completely be yourself around,’ I tell him. ‘And I’m glad you feel that way. I like you, Nat.’ I smile as if it wasn’t painfully obvious how much I like him. ‘I like you just the way you are, and nothing you can say will change that.’
He stares at me and blows out a deep breath. ‘Last night in amongst the incredible amount of word vomit I was spewing everywhere I told you I was a virgin which both is and isn’t true.’ He frowns as he looks down at his empty plate, absently toying with the handle of the fork. ‘I had a couple of girlfriends when I was at Uni.’
‘Okay,’ I reply waiting for him to continue. ‘So, you’ve slept with a woman but not a man I’m assuming? There’s nothing wrong with that, Nat,’ I tell him easily. ‘They’re not going to revoke your gay membership you know. A lot of people experiment when they’re younger, particularly around that age.’
‘I wish it was because I was experimenting,’ he replies quietly. ‘But the truth is I didn’t really want a girlfriend at all, and I had no interest in sleeping with her. People were starting to talk, and I felt pressured into being normal, whatever that is. So, I ended up kind of dating, and for a while I managed to avoid anything physical, but eventually, I came to a point where I couldn’t stall any longer. The group of friends I was caught up in were already starting to speculate, so I decided to just do it.’
‘And?’ I prompt, knowing he needed to get it all out. It was clearly bothering him and most likely had for a long time.