Page 82 of Suddenly Beck

I know Beck and I said it would just be a fling and we would walk away at the end of the summer, but that was when I didn’t know what I wanted and things were still confusing. The truth is, I know what I want now. I want to stay in the bay. I want to make my home here with Beck. I know something happened during his time in Florence to put him off relationships, but I can’t help but feel this is different. I know he cares for me; I feel it in the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, in the hundred little things he does for me every day that he probably doesn’t even notice, but every single one says he’s thinking of me, and he wants to take care of me.

I’ve never had that before, never had someone that was mine. We’re almost halfway through the summer, the clock is ticking down, and I’m not ready to lose him.

‘Hey, baby.’ Beck slides his arms around me and kisses the back of my neck sending a shiver down my spine.

At first, I thought I just reacted like this because a sexual relationship with a man was so new to me, but it hasn’t dimmed over the last month and a half, if anything it’s gotten better. I now realise that I react this way, not because the sex is off the charts, but because it’s him. The truth is I’m falling for him hard and fast, and I’m afraid there’s going to be nothing to break my fall.

‘Are you ready to head down to the restaurant?’ Beck asks.

‘Are you coming with me?’ I turn my head to glance at him. He doesn’t usually come down to the restaurant this early in the evening. Most times he’ll show up during the evening and wait for me to finish if he’s not working in his studio.’

‘Mum asked me to stop by.’ He shrugs.

‘Okay,’ I reply. ‘Well, I’m ready to go. We driving or walking?’

‘A walk might be nice.’ He drops a kiss on my lips. ‘Then on the way home tonight we can find a secluded corner of the beach and I can indecently expose you.’

I laugh against his mouth. ‘May I remind you what happened last time we did that?’

‘Fair enough.’ He grins. ‘We’ll wait til we get home.’

I can’t help the little bubble of happiness when he says home. Of course, he probably doesn’t mean anything by it, but part of me believes that maybe this could become something more permanent.

We head out of the door and walk down to the beach as the cool breeze comes in off the water, a welcome respite from the humidity. I love the summer, but the hot, sticky heat makes me feel like my brain has melted, and all day I’ve felt my mind wandering.

It’s my birthday today, but none of them know of course. I didn’t bother telling anyone. I’ve never really celebrated my birthday before, not really. I’ve always found it quite a stressful day thanks to my parents.

‘You look deep in thought,’ Beck says as he watches me.

‘I guess.’ I give a half-hearted shrug. ‘I don’t know. I was thinking about my father.’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I…’ I frown trying to articulate what’s going on in my head. ‘After Pia came to the bay last month, I don’t know, I guess I thought my father would show up and drag me back home.’

‘That really worried you,’ he replies. It was a statement, not a question, and when I just stare at him he continues. ‘You didn’t sleep properly for a week after, and you didn’t eat either.’

I continue to stare at him wordlessly, bewildered that he’d noticed.

‘Did you think I didn’t know how much the thought panicked you?’ he says softly. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine how complicated the relationship is between you and your father for you to think you had no other choice than to run away, and then be so scared he’s going to find you and force you to go back. It worries me, Nat.’

I stop walking and turn to face him, my belly an uncomfortable jumble of messy emotions and fears. ‘I know you probably think I’m a coward.’

‘I don’t think that at all.’ He frowns.

‘Any normal person would have just said no,’ I breathe, frustrated at myself. ‘Any normal person would have just stood up to him from the very beginning.’

‘There’s no such thing as normal, Nat.’ He strokes my arm comfortingly. ‘You were raised in a very strict environment with very little affection from what I understand. You’re too hard on yourself. Do you want to know how I see you?’

I stare at him, my heart hammering in my chest as I nod slowly.

‘I think you’re incredible,’ he says steadily. ‘You’re sweet and kind, funny as hell. So beautiful it hurts to look at you sometimes. You care about people, you take your time to get to know them and always make time for them, that’s why they gravitate toward you. You’re sexy and smart, and hot as hell in bed.’

I blush at the last one, and he chuckles.

‘You’re so much more than you think you are,’ he tells me. ‘Nat, we’re not defined by our parents, and we sure as hell don’t have to live our lives by their standards. That’s what free will is all about. It took a lot of guts to walk away from everything you’ve ever known and to start over. The question is, are you going to build on that foundation or spend your life running from a man who doesn’t know you and will never understand you.’

‘Nat wants to,’ I tell him honestly. ‘But Nathan’s still afraid. My father casts a long shadow. Ever since I arrived in the bay, all I hear is people talking about your dad, the great Sully Ainsley. He was so loved and so respected. The thing I hear most often is people saying he had a larger-than-life personality. My father is nothing like that. He’s cold and aloof, he’s elitist and constantly looks down on people. He had this idea of who his son would be, he’d mapped out my entire life for me before I was even conceived. The more I tried to fight it, the tighter he gripped. He has this way about him, and he makes me feel so small. Whenever I’m near him, I can feel Nat disappearing until all that’s left is Nathan, and he’s so weak, he does whatever he’s told.