Page 90 of Suddenly Beck

‘Why?’

‘It’s a very intimate thing,’ I say hesitatingly. Trying to find the right words to explain. ‘The men I slept with were just a way to pass the time. I wasn’t in a relationship; it was just sex; I didn’t want to give myself like that to someone again.’

He watches me silently, and it feels as if he’s staring right down into my soul.

‘Who was he?’ he finally asks, his voice quiet.

‘Who?’

‘The man who put that look on your face,’ he replies. ‘The man who made you not want to have a relationship with anyone again.’

I lay quietly, drawing in a breath. ‘His name was Mattia, and I met him in Florence. He was everything I wasn’t, older than me, handsome and cultured, and I don’t know... worldly. He dazzled me.’

‘He was your first?’ Nat asks curiously.

I nod. ‘I fell for him hard. I was there for three years and for two of those we were lovers.’

‘What happened?’

‘I was young and stupid. I thought we were building a life together. I was learning to sculpt, doing what I love in an incredible city. I could imagine living there permanently in a little apartment in Santo Spirito. We’d walk the winding streets, and he ran a gallery, so we had a love of art in common. I was so blinded my him, I didn’t see.’

‘Didn’t see what?’ he asks tilting his head as he watches me.

‘The lies,’ I say quietly. ‘All the warning signs were there, but I missed them.’

‘What signs?’

‘I never met any of his friends, his family. He said he wanted to keep me all to himself. We were both really busy, I had so much to learn, and I was away from home for the first time ever in an exciting city. He was working, or travelling for work, so he said. Whenever we would snatch moments together, I treasured them, I didn’t question it.’

‘So, what happened?’

‘My apprenticeship was coming to an end, and I had to make a decision if I was going to stay in Italy or come home.’

‘You wanted to stay,’ Nat guesses.

‘I was in love, not just with the city and the lifestyle but in love with Mattia. I told him I wanted to stay, and I wanted us to live together and build a life.’

‘I’m guessing he didn’t.’

‘It was worse than that,’ I admit. ‘He already had a life that didn’t include me. He was married.’

‘Married?’ Nat blinks. ‘To another man?’

‘No.’ I shake my head, even now the shame of what I was unknowingly a part of colouring my cheeks. ‘He was married to a woman, had been for years. Nat, they had children.’

‘Beck,’ he breathes heavily.

‘He didn’t even see himself as gay or bi, he was happy with his wife and had no intention of changing that, but he enjoyed fucking me. I was his dirty little secret, and the awful thing was when I found out, he said nothing had to change. He wanted to keep sleeping with me.’

‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ Nat murmurs. ‘He didn’t deserve you.’

Suddenly, Nat’s phone rings loudly, vibrating against the surface of the bedside table. He rolls over and looks at the screen before disconnecting the call.

‘Who’s that?’ I ask.

‘Don’t know,’ he replies. ‘I don’t recognise the number, it’s probably a cold caller. Anyway, go on, what happened when you found out.’

‘Told him to go to hell, I wasn’t going to be his whore. His whole life was a lie, and he’d made me a part of that lie too. I never would have slept with him if I’d known. I got on the first plane home. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life; he broke something inside me. I was still trying to come to terms with it when Dad got sick.’