Page 50 of Suddenly Beck

‘And.’ He closes his eyes, a red flush of shame high on his cheek bones. ‘I couldn’t…’

‘You couldn’t get hard, could you?’ I say quietly.

He shakes his head in embarrassment.

‘Nat.’ I reach out again and lay my hand on his arm to stop him from nervously playing with the discarded cutlery. ‘I’m not surprised, not with all the pressure you were under, and if you’re not attracted to women…’

‘I’m not, at all,’ he sighs. ‘It would’ve been easier, I think, if I’d been bi, but I’m not. The only way I could get hard enough to actually have sex with her was to close my eyes and just…’ he breaks off, shaking his head.

‘Think of guys.’ I finish for him.

‘Yeah,’ he mutters. ‘The whole thing was a bit of a disaster. It was messy and just plain embarrassing.’

‘Nat, look at me.’ He stares at his plate a moment longer before finally lifting those gorgeous blue eyes to me.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ I tell him firmly. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong. You tried it and discovered you’re not sexually attracted to women, you’re attracted to men. There’s no shame in that.’

‘You must think I’m really pathetic.’

‘I don’t,’ I say angrily. ‘Don’t say that about yourself either. Nat, you may have grown up with wealth and privilege, but you didn’t have the same advantages I did. You didn’t have a safe, loving, and supportive environment to figure it all out. You grew up in a restrictive, patriarchal home, where everything you did was scrutinised. You were told, from a young age I’m guessing, that being gay was wrong, which made you feel as though you had to hide or repress who you are.’

‘It was like slowly suffocating,’ he admits. ‘I couldn’t take it anymore, and I reached my breaking point and walked away from everyone and everything. That wasn’t how I wanted to live my life anymore. I walked away from a cold and sterile flat that my mother had hired a designer to decorate over my express objections. I walked away from a job that my father had insisted I take and that I hated. I walked away from friends, who weren’t friends at all and had no idea who I really was.’

‘Takes a strong person to make a change like that.’ I smile as I lift my hand and cup his jaw gently, running the pad of my thumb along the delicious day-old beard beginning to bloom along his jaw. ‘I’m really proud of you, Nat.’

His eyes shoot up to lock on mine, widening as his lips part on a small, unconscious exhale, and I’m willing to bet he’s never heard the words I’m proud of you before and my heart aches for him. My mum and dad said it to us all the time, to the point we shrugged it off and took it for granted but that was something Nat never had, and if he’s never heard the words, I’m proud, I have the uncomfortable feeling he’s probably never heard the words I love you from his parents either. The realisation sits like lead in my stomach, and a weight settles on my shoulders that wasn’t there before.

‘Nat.’ My hand drops from his face. ‘This thing between us.’ I shake my head trying to collect my thoughts. ‘I want you, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I don’t know if I’m what you’re looking for.’

‘I don’t know what I’m looking for,’ Nat whispers with a small, unconscious frown.

‘I don’t want to be in a relationship,’ I tell him honestly.

‘Neither do I.’ He looks up at me consideringly. ‘Beck, I’ve just left everything I’ve ever known. I’ve got a lot of things I need to figure out. Where I want to live, where I want to work, who I want to be. The last thing I need right now is the added complication of a relationship. That being said, part of figuring all this out is being able to explore my sexuality openly.’

‘I can understand that.’ I nod.

‘Look, I think we can both agree we’ve got insane chemistry going on, would that be fair to say?’

‘Understatement.’ My mouth curves slowly.

‘We want each other, that much is clear, and we’re both on the same wavelength when it comes to not wanting the complication of a relationship right now.’

‘What are you suggesting?’ I ask, my stomach tightening with possibilities. ‘A hook-up agreement? Friends with benefits?’

‘A little more than that,’ Nat muses thoughtfully. ‘Like I said before, I could go to any club and have no strings sex, but I want the connection.’

I can’t help the small flare of jealousy at the thought of another man touching him.

‘Then what?’ I frown not entirely sure what he’s proposing.

‘A fling.’

‘A fling?’ I repeat.

‘Yeah.’ Nat smiles. ‘A summer fling. I don’t know what I want yet. I don’t know where I’m going or where I’ll end up, but I know I’ll stay here in the bay until the end of summer. I promised I’d help your mum get the restaurant back up and running, and I keep my promises. While I’m here, we have a fling. We get to act on this crazy attraction between us with no expectations or promises, and I get to explore my sexuality with someone that I not only like and trust but enjoy spending time with.’

‘And when the summer is over?’ I query.