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eighteen

“W hy is this the first time I’ve seen you since the party? I’ve been blowing your phone up and you’ve been curving me like you owe me rent money,” Loyal pressed. We were having a get together at his house. He’s the only reason I agreed to come because the majority of the family was on my shit list.

“Nothing, I’ve been chilling’, trying to take care of my responsibilities.” I took a sip of my beer as I pretended to be engrossed in the TV.

“Cous, you’ve been missing in action for a minute now. I’m glad to know you’ve been able to spend time with your youngin’, though.”

“Do we have beef or something? I called you a while back to invite you to our cookout, and then when I tried to hit you again, it went straight to voicemail.” I gritted my teeth, hearing Messiah’s voice. He should have known the reason behind my distance. It seemed as though my family chose a side when it came to Breyoun and I. Sadly, it wasn’t mine they chose.

“What do we have to talk about?” I snared. His eyebrows raised in surprise as we both stared at one another.

“Damn, it’s like that?” He chuckled smugly, taking a sip from his own glass. “You’re over here acting like a bitter baby momma, cous. It’s not a good look on you.” He observed.

“Fuck you! If the shoe were on the other foot, you’d feel the same way I do. This family hollers about loyalty every day, but when it’s concerning me, it’s not the same.” I argued. I told myself I wouldn’t address the situation at all. I’d somehow end up being the bad guy, regardless.

“So, I’m disloyal because two grown adults decided they wanted to be together? What did you expect me to do?” Messiah bellowed. This conversation felt redundant. They knew exactly why I felt the way I did.

“So, you’re telling me you would have been okay with me putting another nigga on your broad when y’all were broken up? You would have been cool with one of my homies fuckin’ your bitch?” I roared. Oftentimes, it felt as though my older cousins took me for a joke. As if my feelings weren’t as important as theirs. Everyone praised my older cousins for being successful and they expected me to follow in their footsteps.

“First off, my wife and I have never broken up. Even when we weren’t seeing eye to eye, she knew who that pussy belonged to. Secondly, a nigga can’t take a bitch who knows where home is. You’re so worried about me that you’ve forgotten all of the fuck shit you’ve done to Bree before it got to this point. We’ve asked multiple times if the two of you were together, and what was your response?” Messiah stroked his chin, enraging me even more.

“Don’t try to act as if you didn’t know we were fuckin’ around. We’re supposed to be family, but it seems the word only applies to a select few.” I surmised, downing the remainder of my beer before letting out a burp.

“This has nothing to do with family. Onyx and Bree are two consenting adults. It’s not like I invited him to my crib to set them up. Hell, I didn’t even introduce them to one another, if we’re being honest. Believe what you want, I don’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone.” He scoffed, walking out of the living room.

“Can I ask you a question?” Although Loyal and I were not the same age, he’d been one of the closest to me outside of Oh’Shun. I trusted him to give me his honest opinion even if I didn’t agree.

“What? You think I’m wrong too?” My elbows rested on my thighs as I waited to hear what he would say.

“Do you want to be with Breyoun or are you upset because someone else does?” My eyes shifted to the rug in front of me as I pondered his question. I don’t think it should matter because this was about the bro code.

“What Bree and I have going on has nothing to do with this. At the end of the day, I’d never allow any of my friends to hook up with y’all women. Then y’all wonder why I exclude myself from the family gatherings. Why would I want to be around y’all when I’m always being painted out to be the bad guy?” Since I’ve come home, all I seemed to get were lectures, and I’m tired of it. Nothing I do will ever be good enough, so I’m done trying.

“See, you’re avoiding my original question, and we both know why. The last two times we spoke about Bree, you made it clear the two of you weren’t together. According to you, there’s never been a relationship. So why all this smoke? If we're being honest with one another, this is about nothing more than your ego. You thought she would wait around while you fed her breadcrumbs and false promises of being a family. Now, there’s another person coming in offering what you wouldn’t. Lets not forget about the fact that you’re also fucking on that girl’s cousin. That’s some foul shit, and you know it.” Loyal shrugged after calling me out. I hated to admit he might have been right about his assessment.

A relationship wasn’t what I wanted. However, the idea of Bree creating a new family with my son pissed me off. We were still young, so I didn’t understand what the rush was about. Why couldn’t she wait until I got my shit together? I tried to convince myself she’d only gotten in a relationship with him to make me jealous, but now things were different. They were all over social media, constantly posting pictures and videos of their relationship. He’d even taken her on a vacation. Everyone called me jealous, and maybe they were right. I guess I never thought there would be a time when Bree wanted anyone who wasn’t me.

I’d even tried getting under her skin by posting pictures and videos of me with other women, to no avail. I hated feeling as if I no longer had control over her heart. When I saw those photos with Onyx and Sincere, it sent me spiraling. All I could picture was my son calling another man, dad. That shit wasn’t happening on my watch. I don’t give a fuck how she felt about it.

“I love you, so you know I’m not going to sugarcoat a damn thing. All I’m gonna say is you need to take a step back and really evaluate the situation. At the end of the day, Bree deserves to be happy the same way you do. If you aren’t able to give her the love she needs, why would you try to stop her from receiving it from anyone else? At the end of the day, she’s raising your son. You should want her to be happy even if it’s not with you.” He schooled me. I still didn’t agree because of who it was. Of all the men she could have moved on to, why him? I’d spend years looking up to Onyx when he got drafted to the NBA.

The story of his upbringing and what he overcame was admirable. Messiah introduced us to him years ago, and I thought he was the coolest person I’ve ever met. Now I have to look in this man’s eyes, knowing he was fucking the shit out of the mother of my child. Nobody cared about the way this situation affected me. Imagine having one of your idols fall in love with your baby mama. Now I’m forced to see the two of them together, supposedly happy, and I’m just supposed to act like nothing was wrong.

My irritation grew the longer I sat there, so I decided to dip off into the bathroom. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the little baggie of pills I had brought with me. I hadn’t planned on using them while I was here with my family, but I needed something to take the edge off. I wasn’t able to get them from my usual guy, but I found this new guy from my complex who sold them. I hoped the quality was the same.

Popping two pills in my mouth, I turned on the faucet and took a couple of sips of water to wash them down. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I hated the person I saw staring back at me, but fuck it, so did everybody else. I was tired of trying to live up to the expectations of my parents and everyone else around me. Nobody seemed to care about my feelings, so why should I care about anyone else? Once I had a moment to calm down, I decided to leave the bathroom. Part of me wanted to just go home, while the other part of me wanted to spend time with my family.

Even though I was upset with some of them, that didn’t mean that I didn’t love them. They have always been role models to me regardless of the mistakes they may have made. Growing up as the middle child, I always felt overlooked in my home, but Messiah, Loyal, and my brother Oh’Shun always made me feel important, at least until recently. I felt bad for snapping on Messiah, the way that I did, but at the same time, I don’t think I’m wrong. In my opinion, the moment I stopped dealing with Breyoun, they should’ve cut her off, too.

My son is a part of my family, so yes, he should have access to us. However, Breyoun was an outsider. There’s no reason why I should have to share space with her within the confines of my family household. My cousin River thought that I was being an asshole, but I didn’t see it that way. If the shoe were on the other foot, it would be wrong for me to bring one of their exes to our family functions. There shouldn’t be an exception to the rule.

Opening the door of the bathroom, I rushed out only to bump into a hard body. The moment I heard his voice I already knew who it was.

“Hey, bro, I was looking for you,” Oh’Shun greeted me before taking a step back. My eyes followed the direction of his to see what he was looking at. That’s when I realized that my little baggie must’ve slipped out of my pockets when we bumped into each other. Before I could swipe it from the floor, he had already beat me to it. Shoving my hands in my pocket, I waited for his reaction.

“I thought you were done with this; we had an agreement,” he gritted under his breath. He’s the only person who knew about the pills because he had caught me taking them at our parents’ house a few months back. I lied and told him that it was just something to take the edge off my leg pain. He had no idea just how bad things had gotten, and I had no intention of telling him up until now.

“You lied to me! You told me that you were only taking these temporarily for your leg pain, but you seem to be just fine. Keep it real with me. How long have you been abusing pills?” My face scrunched up at the term abuse because I didn’t look at it like that. I popped a few from time to time, but I didn’t consider it abuse. It’s not like I was an addict or anything. I’m capable of stopping at any time; I just don’t want to. Hell, with the way my life had been going lately, can anyone really blame me?

“Yo, keep your voice down. You don’t need to put the whole house in my business,” I exclaimed.

Oh’Shun was my brother, so of course I understood why he was so worried. However, I wasn’t in the mood for another lecture about how wrong I was. My mother has been blowing my phone up for days now, and I knew whatever she needed to say wouldn’t be anything good. I’m sick of all the speeches on how I needed to grow up and change. Everyone around me has made mistakes in life; I don’t understand why I’m looked at as the villain.

“It seems to me that your priorities are all fucked up because the last thing that you should be worried about is whether or not someone hears me. Why the fuck are you still taking these pills in the first place? And where the hell did you get these? I know for a fact your original prescription has expired, so what the fuck is really going on? Don’t tell me you’re out here scoring pills like a junky!” He may have been a couple of years younger than me, but he was smarter, too. He didn’t even give me a chance to make up a good lie before he started firing off questions back-to-back.

“Look, I don’t have time to be sitting here answering questions. Just pretend like you didn’t see anything and let it go. This has nothing to do with you anyway.” I attempted to shove past him to get to the front door. At this point, I had to leave because I knew if I didn’t, things would only get worse.

“No!” Oh’Shun surprised me when he shoved me back, almost causing me to fall to the ground. “The only reason why I didn’t tell Mom and Dad was because you promised they were for temporary use only. Now you’re standing here with glossed-over eyes and a baggie full of pills, talking about it’s none of my business. Well, I bet I know whose business it will be once I tell them.” He threatened. Oh’Shun was taller than me in height, but this was the first time I’ve ever felt intimidated by him.

“Come O, don’t you think you’re taking this a little too far?” I tried to reason with him. I’m already the black sheep of the family; the last thing I needed was for them to have another reason to judge me.

“No, obviously, you’re not taking it seriously enough. Do you know how addictive those pills can be? Have you thought about the kind of damage they can do to your mind and your body? Come on now, you're a college student! Did you not consider the ramifications of all of this? Where the hell did you even get the pills? Are you fucking dumb?!” He pressed, blocking me from leaving.

“Yo, what’s going on out here?” Loyal ass walking up on us. I pleaded with my eyes for Oh’Shun not to say anything. Loyal has always been an idol to me, and I couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing him, not like this.

“Do you want to tell him or should I?” O stood there with his arms crossed. I knew then that my secret would be exposed.

“Somebody better start talking and fast,” Loyal gritted, staring me up and down. My mind reflected back on O’s description of my eyes and I wondered if it was true. Normally, it took some time for the pills to kick in but since I have been using them more regularly things have changed.

“These fell out of his pocket. I caught him taking some a few months back, but he swore it was only temporary.” My brother passed Loyal the baggie of pills.” For a moment, we all stood there in silence. I felt like a child waiting for his parents to explode on them. Lo wasn’t the type to hold his tongue, so I already knew he would be pissed.

“Are you fuckin’ serious? Free, you’re a motherfucking pill head now?” His eyebrows dipped in anger. Loyal rarely got upset so I knew this wasn’t going to end well.

“Don’t try to act like a saint now. It’s not even that big of a deal,” I asserted. Of course, I knew he wouldn’t buy it. His eyes were on me, but I noticed the look of concern flashing across his face. I hated that. There was no room for a pity party. I had done enough for that myself.

“When the fuck did you start doing this?! Do you know how serious this is? How many motherfucking people are strung out on the streets because of these fucking pills? Are you fucking dumb?!” He roared, garnering the attention of everyone else in the house.

I should’ve just taken my ass home in the first place, and none of this would’ve been happening. His chest heaved up and down as he held the pills in his hand. Part of me wanted to ask for them back, although I knew he wouldn’t agree.

“Messiah, you better get your cousin before I beat his ass. Your mama put you in that private school for you to get a better education only for you to turn out to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers I’ve ever met!” Loyal seethed. I’ve never been afraid of him in my life, but the anger radiating off of him worried me. I wasn’t in a mood to fight anyone. The purpose of the pills were to calm me down so I didn’t stand a chance anyways.

“What’s going on? Why do you look like you’re about to beat someone’s ass?” Messiah questioned.

“This dumbass has been copping pills off the street like a fucking junkie!” Loyal blurted out. My hands were sweaty as Messiah sauntered over to us. He examined the pills, just like Loyal, before looking up at me.

“What’s gotten into you? First, this situation with Bree and Onyx, and now this? Why wouldn’t you tell us about this?” he probed. The disappointed grimace on his face pained me, but I held a stoic expression on my face partly because the pills had kicked in, causing my body to become loosened up.

“Don’t try to act like you care about me now. Y’all are blowing this shit out of proportion. People pop pills all the time. Hell, most of your favorite rappers are on some type of drugs.” I reason, shrugging while trying my best to hold my position.

“What the hell do you mean? Your feelings about Onyx have nothing to do with me. My love for you hasn’t changed even though you’ve been on some foul shit. Fuck all the petty shit you’re talking about. I don’t give a damn what anyone else has going on. This shit is dangerous. If we didn’t give a fuck about you, we wouldn’t even be checking you about the shit. Come on, Free, this isn’t cool at all,” Messiah looked concerned while Loyal appeared as if he wanted to knock my ass out.

“You don’t get it; none of you do!” I grumbled. When it came to my feelings, I normally kept them bottled up. All my parents cared about were my career and my image. No one understood the pressure I was under every day. Then there’s this situation with Breyoun. I never wanted to be a father and although I love my son, I can admit I’m still not ready. Being a parent wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I’m juggling so much on my plate right now with no one in my corner. The pills helped with my anxiety, and I honestly didn’t see the issue with me taking them. It’s not like I’m hurting myself or anyone else. Lately, it seems like everyone needed someone to project their feelings onto and I’m the chosen scapegoat.

“You’re better than this,” Messiah reasoned. I chuckled, staring out at the small crowd of family members that had gathered in the hallway.

“What makes you so sure of that? How do you know this isn’t who I am?” My arms were crossed in frustration. They were wasting their time, because nothing would change. I’m a grown-ass man, and no one could tell me what to do.

“I’m not about to sit around and watch you self-destruct.” Loyal’s tone softened from a moment ago, but the anger was still present.

“What are you going to do? Huh? Tell my parents? I’m not a kid anymore. Your permission isn’t needed, and neither is theirs. Why does everyone else get to live life the way they want to, but I’m the one who needs to change?” I huffed. I grew irritable standing here. They could say whatever they wanted, but they were wasting their time.

“We’ve known you since the day Auntie Faith brought your ass from the hospital, so I’d say we know your ass pretty damn well. You’re young, and I get that. However, this shit is whack as hell. Especially, buying it off the street. These folks are mixing all kinds of drugs together these days. One bad dose can take your silly ass right up out of here. What part of this don’t you understand!” Loyal shouted. Wise and Justice stood behind him for support.

“This isn’t all about you, Free. What do you think it would do to Aunt Faith and Uncle Omar if they had to bury their son? Not to mention the fact that you have a child of your own. Do you want Sincere to grow up without a father? How do you think your death would affect them? Hell, this whole family. Regardless of what you think, losing you would destroy us. Is that what you want? Are you that hard up for attention that you would tear this family apart?” His words enraged me. Lately, I haven’t felt much like family, especially since Breyoun had my son. The moment they found out about him, no one seemed to care about me anymore.

“Man, get out of here with all that! None of y’all muthafuckas have checked on me once since I’ve been back home. Hell, you barely did the shit after I left, so you can save the guilt trips.” Spit flew from my mouth as my ears grew hot. When I first left, everyone sent their well wishes, but after a month, no one gave me a second thought outside of my parents and Oh’Shun. Loyal checked in a few times, but that’s it. My brother O2 never even bothered to reach out to me, but our relationship has always been strained. He’s the golden child who made it to the NFL and can do no wrong in anyone’s eyes.

“That’s not true, Free. We all were practically raised as brothers so you can’t possibly think we don’t care about you. I’m sorry I haven’t been checking on the way I should. It’s not because I don’t care though, Cuz. Tell me what you need from me because you’ve got me fucked up if you think, for one second, I’m about to let you throw your life away like this.” Messiah stepped closer to me along with Loyal and my brother. My head shook as I took a step back from them.

“I’m not looking for anyone to save me.” Pushing Messiah away I moved towards the door. They called after me, but I wasn’t trying to hear anything they had to say. The drugs had taken over, and all I wanted to do was ride the wave. When I got into the car, my vision blurred for a few seconds. I brushed it off, deciding to hurry and get out of there before they came outside.

My body started feeling woozy, and my breathing wasn’t right. It’s like I was breathing in slow motion. Sweat beads covered my forehead, although my body was cold. I tried to shake it, before reaching for a bottle of water. I’d gotten these pills from a new guy, but he seemed legit. My mind started thinking about Loyal’s words, and I wondered if he’d mixed something in the pills, he’d given me. I’ve taken these pills plenty of times and have never felt like this before.

I hadn’t even made it to the end of the driveway before my body started convulsing. My car traveled backward, but I no longer possessed control over it. I blinked a few times to regain my vision before everything faded to black.

***

“I don’t want to beat you down when you’re already dealing with so much, but I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong?” Hearing my mother cry has always been a weakness of mine, and not much has changed. Waking up in a hospital bed wasn’t in my plans, but here I am.

“I don’t need you blaming yourself for a decision I made. This isn’t your fault at all; it’s mine.” After the doctor explained that the drugs in my system were synthetic, and I could have died. It put a lot of things in perspective for me because I never once considered the possibilities. I had no business buying pills off the street anyway, but the fact that it almost cost me my life was a wake-up call.

“Why did you feel as though you needed to hide this from me? You’ve done a lot of irresponsible things in life, and I’ve never looked down on you. As your mother, I want the best for you. I’m always in your corner,” she reasoned. I hated that she felt like she failed me in some way. Truthfully, she’s one of the few people I know who loves me unconditionally.

“I thought I had things under control, you know? Everything seemed to be crashing down around me, so I took the pills to take the edge off. It seemed as if my life started spiraling, and I needed an escape.”

“Oh, I see he’s finally awake. What the hell were you thinking? Do you have any idea what we had to go through to clean up this mess you’ve made for yourself? It’s like you get dumber and dumber the older you get!” My father, Omar Sr., roared the moment he walked into the room.

“Honey, I-”

“No, Faith! You are part of the reason he thinks it’s okay to act out this way. I mean, come on! First, he gets kicked out of the apartment we paid good money to put him in, then he turns around and overdoses on fake drugs. It’s like we didn’t raise him at all. You would think he comes from a broken home with parents who don’t love him. You sit here and coddle him like a baby, and look where it’s gotten us! More money wasted!”

“You don’t give a damn about me. All you care about is your image and how my actions affect you. In your eyes, I’m a fuck up and a burden to you, which is crazy because I never call you when I need help. I know you must be disappointed that I didn’t die, huh?”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Freedom. You have been a spoiled brat since you were a little boy. You’re not about to use those sympathy tactics on me. I have worked my ass off to give you the world, and you can’t name a single time I wasn’t there for you. Your problem is that you don’t like accountability. It’s okay for you to go out and make all of these stupid decisions, but the minute something goes wrong, it’s everyone else’s fault except yours.

I knew going all the way out there would be a bad idea. You had a small-town upbringing, so you weren’t prepared for the real world. Well, I’ll tell you this: the world is a cold and cruel place. None of those people care about you or what you’ve got going on. The world will chew you up and spit you out if you’re not careful. I’m hard on you because I want you to make better decisions. In your mind, you feel like it’s our job to be the cleanup crew to your life and you’re wrong."

We have raised you the best way we know how and now it’s time for you to stand on your own two feet. It doesn’t mean we don’t love you. A part of love means telling you when you’re on the wrong track, and right now, you’re going downhill fast. You’re lucky no one else got hurt from your crash, and your cousins and brother moved your car to a safe place. I’ve had to pay to have the street camera footage erased for that time interval. Thank goodness, they were able to get to you before the authorities could be called because this could have ended badly. I’m running for Mayor of the city, and I can’t have you messing this up for our family.” I tuned out the majority of his speech because, like I said before, all he cared about was his image.

“I’ve already spoken with Doctor Newman, and he’s agreed to allow you to participate in his treatment program. It’s inpatient for four weeks, then outpatient for eight weeks.” My mother whispered next to me.

“I’m not going to a damn treatment facility; there’s nothing wrong with me! Mom, come on. You can’t let this happen; I’m not an addict!” Tears streamed down her face, and if I wasn’t so upset, I would have tried to comfort her, but I couldn’t.

“We love you so much, son, and we only want the best for you. It’s clear we haven’t been paying attention to the signs, and for that, I ask for your forgiveness. We are going to get you the help you need,” She stroked my hand, which sent me into a fit of rage. It got so bad the nurses had to come in to sedate me. There was no way I would allow them to send me away like some kind of cast away. There had to be another alternative.