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eleven

S taring at the numbers on the house, I glanced down at my phone to make sure I was in the right place. Once I confirmed, I opened my driver’s side door before taking a deep breath. It was now or never since I’ve already made it this far.

After a few more moments of settling my nerves, I decided to get out. My nerves were starting to get the best of me. I think it was because of the unknown of it all. I haven’t seen Saya in years. I wasn’t sure if she was married with kids or a drug addict. hFor all I know she could be all of the above. If I’m being honest, her reaction to seeing me was what I was anticipating the most. Was she going to be happy to see me? Did she hate me? If so, why? My mind was going a hundred miles a minute trying to prepare myself for whatever reception I was going to receive from her.

There was a doorbell camera on the door, so I knew the element of surprise would not be on my side. What if she didn’t answer the door when she realized it was me? I guess there was really only one way for me to find out.

Once I knocked on the door, I stepped back to put some space between myself and whatever would be waiting for me on the other side of the door. I heard the sounds of dogs barking in the distance, which made me chuckle. Saya always said she would have a house full of dogs because her parents were dead set against them.

Saya had always been a rebellious child, so I knew this was her way of asserting her independence. I saw a figure peek through the curtains, but I kept my head down to avoid the awkward stares. Once I heard the sound of the door clicking, I braced myself.

“Umm, hi, can I help you?” The pretty young girl who answered the door seemed oddly familiar, but she wasn’t Saya.

“Ummm, yeah. I’m looking for Saya Williams, I was told she lived at this residence.” She stared at me for a second longer, before a strange expression crossed her face.

“Oh, umm, is she expecting you?”

“No, she isn’t. Is there something wrong?” Before she could even respond, a little boy appeared out of nowhere, crawling in between her legs. The moment our eyes locked, I felt my soul leaving my body.

“Saint! Get your butt back in here and finish eating your food! Sienna, who’s at the door?” I heard her voice before I saw her face. My mind was still trying to process what I’d just witnessed. I wasn’t even sure how to feel about the visit anymore because I had more questions now than I did before I got out of the car.

“Umm, it’s for you.” When Saya said her name, it dawned on me why she seemed so familiar. This was her little sister. She was just a preteen the last time I saw her, and she’d changed quite a bit.

“Well, why are you standing there like you’ve seen a gho-” Her words faltered as tears welled in her eyes. This wasn’t the response I’d prepared for, so I was frozen in place. Sienna removed the little boy from the doorway as Saya stood there sobbing.

A part of me wanted to comfort her, but there was also a part of me that wasn’t sure how she’d react. When she started hyperventilating, that’s when I decided to step in. Walking up to her, I scooped her up in my arms and then walked inside of her house.

“Breathe.” I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew I wasn’t going to get any answers if I couldn’t get her to calm down.

Walking over to her couch, I sat down with her in my lap as she continued to fall apart. My mind was reeling, and if I wasn’t so focused on her, I probably would have had a panic attack of my own. Saya wrapped her arms around my neck as she wept into my chest. Whatever she’d gone through, she was now releasing, so I allowed her a moment to get it all out. Afterward, there were a lot of things we needed to talk about. It took about ten minutes for her to finally calm down, but instead of us talking, she ended up falling asleep in my arms.

I hated how comfortable I felt having her this close to me, but I felt at peace in this moment. Laying back on the couch, I rubbed her back while she slept. I said a silent prayer because I had a feeling everything in my world was about to change. Whether it was for the good or bad had yet to be determined.

At some point, the little boy made his way back into the living room. Once he saw Saya in my arms, he walked right over to us, taking a seat next to me. He laid his head against my arm, causing my body to stiffen in return. My brain started doing the math in my head, and no matter how I tried to piece it together, nothing was adding up. The thoughts running through my mind were causing me to become angry, but I knew I needed to hear it from her before I reacted. What I did know was this little boy did not belong to me, and that alone caused my heart to shatter. Before long, the two of them were sleeping on me, leaving me to sit in place until they decided to wake up.

“Umm, when she wakes up, tell her to call me. It was nice seeing you again,” Sienna rushed out before throwing her purse over her shoulder. I still couldn’t believe I was really sitting here like this. Once the sun started to go down, I knew I needed to do something. Saya had some explaining to do, and her ass was not about to avoid it any longer. She’d have plenty of time to sleep after I left.

“Aye.” Gently, I shook her in my arms. I tried not to move my left side too much since baby boy was snoring peacefully.

“Hmmm?” Saya stretched in my arms until our eyes finally locked. When she glanced around and realized where she was, she immediately freaked out.

“Where’s my son?” The panic in her tone was clear, so I nodded my head to the other side of me. She breathed a sigh of relief and then stared back at me again.

“What are you doing here? How did you find me?” I eyed her curiously, wondering what was going through her mind right now.

“You don’t think we have some things we need to talk about?” I glanced down at her son, who lay curled up against my arm.

“It’s not what it looks like. You never came back for me when you got out, so I just figured it was for the best. Especially after everything went down the way it did.” My face frowned in confusion because I wasn’t sure what incident it was that she was referring to.

“Go put him to bed so we can talk,” I commanded. We were going to lay this shit out on the table once and for all.

“Okay,” sliding off my lap, she picked her son up and walked out of the room. She glanced back at me for a moment before heading down the hall. My phone had been going crazy, and I already knew it was more than likely Sidra. I’d never been in a situation where I needed to lie to her, so when she asked me where I was, I wasn’t sure what to say.

She normally wasn’t the type to trip, but I’ve never mentioned Saya to her. I mean, we’ve talked about our past, but I usually tried to downplay it, so it didn’t sound as if I was still hung up on her. I knew how insecure women could be, so since Saya wasn’t a factor in my life, there was no need to tell her anything.

Deciding to keep it simple, I texted her that I was out of town. Technically, it wasn’t a lie, as Saya lived in a different city. It took me two hours and some change to get here. She texted me back okay also making sure to tell me she loved me. I hated when she did that because I wasn’t there yet. A lot of men liked to throw that word around to get what they wanted from women, but not me.

We were taught to only use the word love if we were willing to kill for that person. There’s only been one person outside of my family who’s ever heard those words from me, and she was currently standing in front of me with her hands behind her back.

“Have a seat. You know I don’t like having people standing over me. That shit is weird,” I grumbled. She knew how I felt about that weird shit.

“Sorry. Umm, I wasn’t expecting you to show up like this so I’m sorry if I’m not prepared. When I saw you, it just brought back a bunch of memories I wasn’t ready for.”

“You know I don’t like to beat around the bush, so I need you to make all of this make sense to me. One minute, you were telling me you loved me, and the next minute, you were gone. My family reached out to yours to make sure you were straight, and they acted as if it were a secret to know your whereabouts.” She stared down at the carpet with her hands in her lap.

“I-that night we talked on the phone, you told me that someone was going to be bringing me some money,” I recalled the night in question. Since I was gone, my family had been making sure my portion of the bills were taken care of, so it wouldn’t be such a burden to her.

“Well, two men showed up and handed me a duffle back of what I assumed was the money. I thought they were going to turn around and leave after making sure I got it, but they didn't." She paused to wipe her face while my heart rate sped up uncontrollably. I knew she wasn’t saying someone in my family had hurt her because they wouldn’t do something like that.

“I don’t remember much from that night. All I remember was the first guy punching me in the face and then the other one climbing on top of me. He punched me again, knocking me out completely. The next thing I remember was waking up in a pool of blood while hearing sirens in the background. Our neighbors called the police, and I was rushed to the hospital. They sedated me for a couple of days due to the extent of my trauma.” My hand rubbed her back in a circular motion as she explained what happened to her.

My ears grew hot from the rage brewing inside of me. I didn’t want to alarm her, so I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible.

“Your father found out what happened, and he came to see me after I was released from the hospital. He apologized to me because he’d sent a couple of corner boys in his place that night and he felt terrible about what happened. My parents wanted to file charges but Prosper assured them he’d handle it. He kept his promise to me.” My chest was tight, being that this was the first time I’d heard anything like this. I’d basically been my father’s caregiver since I’d been home, and not once did he mention this to me.

“Why did you keep this from me?! Did you think I wouldn’t protect you? You ran from me instead of giving me the opportunity to be there for you!” My tone raised, and I knew I needed to take a moment to reel it in.

“I knew you wouldn’t look at me the same!” She cried out. It broke my fucking heart all over again.

“That’s not true! You didn’t even give me the chance to show you. I loved you, Saya! What the hell do you think would have changed from you telling me the truth?!” I roared.

“I wanted to, but I couldn’t handle anyone else's emotions at the time. Between the healing, both mentally and physically, it took a while for me to face anyone. My parents were the only ones I allowed around me because the last thing I wanted was a bunch of people feeling sorry for me. After those men were mysteriously murdered, it was all anyone could talk about.

Every time I logged into social media, I was faced with tributes and posts about them, and it triggered me. By the time things finally started dying down, a month had passed. I begged your father not to tell you about what happened. There was a part of me that blamed you and Prosper for sending those men to the house, so I didn’t want to face you. Then, the other part of me wanted to protect your mental because deep down, I knew it would hurt you.

As soon as I started getting more comfortable going out in public, I learned that I was pregnant. Of course, the news sent me spiraling because I knew it had to be one of them. My parents told me you and your family were still trying to reach me, but once I heard my son’s heartbeat for the first time, I knew I had to let you go. It was one thing to tell you I’d been attacked, but I knew there was no way you would accept a baby that wasn’t yours. Especially one that was created from rape. I believed in my heart you would not agree with me keeping him, so I walked away for good. I never wanted to be in a position where I had to choose between the two of you, because I knew that regardless of how much I loved you, he was a part of me. I’ve always been taught that every child is a blessing, and I knew he was placed inside of me for a reason. It broke my heart to have to walk away from you because no one else has ever loved me the way you did, but I had no choice.” It took a second to process her words, and as much as I wanted to tell her that she was wrong, I couldn’t.

Saya and I used to spend hours talking about the family we would create for ourselves, and I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure how I would have reacted. I knew anger would have been the strongest emotion of them all.

“Damn, I-I don’t even know what to say because I wasn’t expecting this. I’m not upset at you for doing what you felt you had to do, but it’s still hard for me to handle. Those days after you left, I beat myself up trying to come up with a reason for why you had left. I blamed myself without even knowing the truth, so to hear this shit, really breaks my heart. Physically, there wasn’t much I could have done, but Saya, you have to know I would have never abandoned you. I can’t say it would have been easy for me to accept you carrying another man’s baby, but over time, I would have come around. You were my entire world, girl. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for you, including being a father to your child. In that moment, there were a lot of moving factors, and you did what you thought was right. I guess I want to believe our love was strong enough to conquer anything. A part of my heart left when you did, and if I’m being honest, I haven’t been the same since.”

“Renegade, I never wanted to hurt you, and I need you to know that. All I could picture was the disappointment on your face when you saw my growing belly. I panicked, and I’m so sorry. I should have told you everything, but all I could think about was protecting my own feelings from possible rejection.” Dragging my hand down my face, I sat there thinking about what to do next. This visit hadn’t gone anything like I’d planned, and for the first time in a long time, I had no answers.

“I thought coming here was going to give me the closure I needed, but I’m more confused than ever. I never saw any of this coming at all. In my mind, you abandoned me because you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“I would have never walked away if I felt like I had a better option. My parents tried to talk me into going to visit you, and I wish I’d listened to them. It took me so long to stop blaming myself for everything that happened. My biggest fear was that you would judge me, too. I’m so sorry.” She started crying again, so I pulled her into my lap. Sitting here with her in my arms made me feel as though she was right where she needed to be.

No words were spoken as she rested her head on my chest. My anger subsided the moment our bodies made contact. Saya was home for me, and she always had been. After a few more moments of silence, the two ended up drifting off to sleep. When I woke up again, it was three in the morning, and I knew I’d fucked up.

Gently, I carried up down the hallway until I found her bedroom. I tried to lay her down on the bed, but she clutched my shirt in her hands.

“Can you stay? I know you probably have somewhere you need to be right now, but I’d really appreciate it if you stayed. I’m not ready for you to leave yet.” Her request pulled at my heartstrings, reminding me of the hold she possessed over me.

Telling her no had never been an easy thing for me, and she knew it, too. I stood there for a moment, debating whether or not I should stay. My heart wanted to say yes, but was this really the right decision to make? Being in her presence, even for this short time, opened my heart up to feelings I’d long since buried in the past. Protecting Saya came second nature to me, right along with loving her. It’s crazy how fast I jumped right into action the moment I saw her crying at the door. The time we’d spent apart became a thing of the past when I realized she needed me.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep, then I’ll head out.” The lie sounded funny the moment I let it out, knowing there was no way I’d be taking a two-hour drive home this early in the morning. Deciding not to even dwell on it, I pulled my shirt over my head, sauntering over to the opposite side of the bed. After removing my pants, I got in next to her. Saya being in a vulnerable state made me more mindful of the way I handled her. Blurring the lines wouldn’t be helpful for either of us, so I’d move on her terms. We lay in the dark with silence surrounding us. My body felt tense because I found it difficult to get comfortable.

“Are you okay?” Saya probed, probably picking up on the awkward energy exuding from me.

“Naw, If I’m being honest, I can’t seem to fall asleep.” I admitted, leaving out the reason behind my struggles.

“Talk to me. You’re not thing only one who knows how to be a good listener.” She giggled. The sound itself calmed the nerves inside of me.

“Finding you wasn’t my idea,” I revealed.

“My family’s been joking with me about how I’m not over you even though I’ve convinced myself it wasn’t true. Now I’m laying here beating myself up because if I’d put my pride aside, we wouldn’t have been apart for so long.” It plagued me to think she’d been alone this whole time.

So many nights, I woke up in a cold sweat with thoughts of her, and instead of taking it as a sign, I brushed it off in order to protect my own feelings. Rewriting the past was impossible, so the only thing left to do was make the best out of the present.

“If anyone has regrets, it’s me. We both made choices we thought were for the best, and for the most part, they were. I can’t speak about what the future will look like, but I don’t hold any grudges against you. If I know nothing else in this world, it’s that you loved me in the best way possible. I’ll always be grateful for the time I was able to be loved by you.” My eyebrows raised as she spoke in past tense.

“You’re saying that as if I’ve ever stopped. When I gave you my heart all those years ago, it came with no expiration date. I’ve been with plenty of women in our time apart, but only one person can ever say they held the keys to my heart. My love for you is everlasting, whether we’re together or not.” Kissing the top of her forehead, I yanked her closer to me. Tomorrow came with many uncertainties, but for tonight, I chose to be in this moment. I needed to be back in our world where everything made sense, and nothing could come up against us.

***

“U mm, do you need to get that?” Saya groaned next to me. I’d almost forgotten where I was until she spoke to me. Rolling over, I stared down at her in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” My phone had been going off, but I’d been sleeping so hard I hadn’t noticed.

“My bad, I thought I put it on do not disturb.” Clicking the side button, my notifications were full causing my heart to drop. There would have been no room for alarm if it wasn’t for the fact that the majority of the calls were from my father’s in-home nurse and my granny. Shooting up from the bed, I dialed the nurse first because I knew she’d be the least emotional of the two.

“Renegade, I’m so sorry to be calling you like this, but your father passed out on the way to the bathroom this morning. When I tried to wake him up, he was unresponsive. He’s been rushed to the emergency room!” Rhena shouted into the phone. While she spoke, I’d been putting my clothes on because I knew I needed to get on the road.

“What did the EMTs say? Were they able to get him to wake up? Is he okay? How long has it been since they left?” I cursed under my breath, knowing I’d have a long ass drive ahead of me. My nerves were shot to the point I wanted to break down right where I stood.

“His pulse was present, but they ended up giving him oxygen while they loaded him into the ambulance. Since I wasn’t able to reach you, I ended up calling your grandmother as well as your aunt. I’m so sorry this happened. He seemed fine when I checked on him a few hours ago.” Rhena whimpered into the phone. She and my father had gotten close since she’d been working for us, so I knew this incident frightened her.

“This isn’t your fault, so please don’t blame yourself. More than likely, his symptoms were present long before he passed out, and he chose to ignore them.” My father hated people fawning over him, so I knew he’d probably hidden his symptoms from her to avoid going to the doctor. The older he became, the more stubborn he was.

“We ate dinner together, then watched a couple of episodes of The Real Housewives. I checked his temperature, and everything checked out fine. I must have missed something.”

“I’m out of town right now, so it’s’ going to take some time for me to get to the hospital. If there are any updates given before I make it, please call me immediately.” There was no time to focus on what could have happened. My father needed his family, and I’ll be damned if I lose him like this.

“Okay, we’re in the lobby right now, so just let me know when you make it, and I’ll meet you at the front desk.” Disconnecting the call, I searched around for my shoes.

“Are you okay?” Saya’s voice echoed behind me. With everything going on around me, I’d spaced out from my current surroundings.

“My father was rushed to the hospital. I have to get there to see what’s going on.” Locating my belt, I grabbed it then headed out of the room. God, please save him. While I was aware of his current prognosis, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my father. When the doctors diagnosed him with lung cancer, they assured us his chances of survival were promising with aggressive chemotherapy. It was one of the reasons I agreed to keep his secret from everyone.

Worrying the family prematurely would only cause more panic and my father did not want to put that on anyone unless it was truly necessary. Personally, I thought us children deserved to know even if he decided to wait to advise the rest of the family. Hence why I’d given him the ultimatum in the first place. Now, the choice no longer belonged to him. While searching for the keys, I heard the sound of feet shuffling down the hallway. Glancing up, Saya appeared with a sleeping Saint in her arms.

“What are you doing?” The words blurted out as I watched her move about the room.

“I owe your father my life, and I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t see him with my own eyes. Besides, you are in no condition to drive, no matter how strong you pretend to be. I’m assuming you were looking for these?” I looked down to see my keys in her hands.

She passed Saint to me before grabbing two bags and another set of keys. I stood there frozen as she continued to grab her things. Saint nestled his tiny face into my neck, and I could hear his light snores as his head rested on my shoulder.

“Come on. I’m going to move his car seat into your truck, and then we can head out.” She explained, turning off the lights as she headed towards the door. I followed her lead, making sure little man was covered with his blanket. The weather wasn’t too bad, but the morning air would surely startle him.

Once Saya assembled his car seat, I placed him down into his seat. She hovered over me for a moment until I gave her a look to let her know I wasn’t pleased.

“Get in the car. I’ve got this,” I assured her. He wasn’t the first child I’ve been around, so I had a little practice with these things.

“Fine,” I heard her huff before she walked away. I’d been so focused on making sure Saint was secure, that it took me a moment to notice Saya sitting perched in the driver's seat as if she belonged there.

“Umm, excuse me. What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I inquired, trying to whisper to avoid waking her son.

“I know these roads much better than you; besides, you’re in no condition to drive. I’ve got this.” In all the years we’ve known one another, I’ve never been the passenger. The annoyed look on her face told me this wasn’t up for debate, and I couldn’t afford to waste any more time. Reluctantly, I hopped in the passenger side of my own whip.

“Be careful with my shit. Drive the speed limit, too, because your little ass isn’t on my insurance.”

“Yes, daddy,” She giggled before pulling off. I wanted to address her comment, but I needed to focus on what was going on with my father.

My phone rang in my hand showing my mother’s contact on the screen. Her and my father’s history was tumultuous, to say the least, so I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. Bracing myself, I picked up the phone to answer her calls.

“Hey baby, are you at the hospital?” she asked, letting me know that the news about my father must have traveled fast.

“I’m headed there now. I was out of town. Where are you?” The clock on my dashboard read 6:37am which meant her work shift hadn’t started yet.

“At the house, I thought you were already at the hospital, so I was going to go into work late to be with you.” This was one of the many reasons why I loved her. Regardless of anything, my mother would do whatever to make sure I felt supported.

“Naw, you don’t need to do that. It’ll be another hour or so before I make it into town. If you want, I’ll send you an update once I get there.”

“No need. Your granny has been keeping me updated. You know she still loves me.” She snickered. My mother was the family’s favorite out of all the mothers of my father’s children. They’d met in middle school, so she’d grown up around everyone.

“I bet she did.”

“Wait a minute. You said you were out of town. Where the hell did you go without telling me? You always let me know when you’re going somewhere.” My mother and I had a very close relationship, so we told each other everything.

“My bad, it slipped my mind, and I hadn’t planned to be there overnight, so I didn’t think to tell anyone.” The only reason Law knew about it was to make sure someone had my location in the event things went left.

“Okay, so where did you go and where did you spend the night at? That’s not even like you.” Glancing over at Saya, I peeped the smirk on her face.

“Ima let her tell you herself since she’s over here grinning and shit.” Saya’s face dropped as I passed her the phone.

“Umm, hey mama.” Saya spoke into the phone nervously.

“Saya?! I know damn well this isn’t my daughter on this phone after she left me for dead!” Saya giggled, wiping tears from her eyes.

“I’m sorry, ma. I promise it wasn’t like that at all. I’ll have to explain when we see each other.”

“You’re damn right. As matter of fact, I’ll be taking a half day today. Once you get a chance to check on your father, bring my daughter in love to see me!” Saya smiled hard at my mother’s request.

“Will do. I love you, mama.”

“I love you too, baby. If you need me for any reason, you already know I’m here for you. I’m sending prayers to you and your father. We may have had our issues, but I’ll always care for him. Saya, don’t make me have to hunt you down miss lady! I love you, too.” My mother proclaimed before disconnecting the call.

“I already know my family is going to be more focused on you when we get here. River and Triniti have been asking about you lately. Those two are convinced we were soul mates or some shit.” I laughed it off although there was this lingering feeling deep inside telling me everything was happening for a reason.

“They’ve always been wise beyond their years.” She smirked. The remainder of the ride I let my thoughts take over as I prayed for God to spare my father. My heart wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It never would be.