Page 15

“Y ou want to go get something eat?” Renegade turned to face me while I drove. It shocked me that he even agreed to let me drive his car because he hated being a passenger.

“We can grab something to hold us over for now. I thought maybe I’d run to the store and pick up a few things to make dinner with. Did you have a taste for anything specific?” The mischievous grin donning his face told me we weren’t on the same page.

“I see not much has changed, huh?” I smiled, reminiscing on the days I used to ride shotgun in his jeep. Cruising down the streets with my hair flying everywhere.

“Naw, nothing but time and our ages. I’m still the same man you fell in love with,” He winked at me. I almost forgot I was the driver as the truck swerved a little to the left.

“Damn, baby, you tryna take us out and we just came back into each other’s lives.” He teased.

“Leave me alone. You’re not supposed to distract the driver anyways.” Sticking my tongue out. I noticed the street we were on looked familiar, so I turned into the plaza where I remembered there was a grocery store. It only took me about ten minutes to grab everything I needed.

“Damn, Speedy Gonzales. I thought for sure your ass would be in there for at least thirty minutes. You see, I reclined my seat back and everything.” I giggled, seeing him reclined back. The bags under his eyes told me he probably could use a nap right about now anyway. We both could.

“Do you want to go to Big Papa’s and grab a burger?” My mouth watered at the thought of a fat greasy burger with all the fixings. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten one of their burgers and fries.

“Yes! I almost forgot all about them. I could go for a big ass burger with fries and a chocolate milkshake."

“Yuck, who in their right mind drinks a chocolate milkshake of all the flavors in the world?"

“I can’t believe you’re really trying to judge me right now. I happen to think it’s disgusting that you can really sit here and judge me when your ass likes Strawberry.” I pretended to gag. We’ve been having this argument for so long and the results were still the same. We continued to rag on each other as we pulled into the drive-through.

Once we got our food, my mouth salivated from the aroma. I couldn’t believe it had been this long since I’ve tasted this food. Whenever we came home from college, this used to be one of the first places we stopped at.

“Here,” Renegade held out a couple of French fries for me. Since I was the driver, I wasn’t able to eat right away. I hesitated for a second, and he must have picked up on it.

“Don’t do that shy shit with me. I’ve put a few things in your mouth before, a fry won’t kill you,” I glared at him while he paid me no mind. Reaching over the middle console, he fed me the fries.

“Ummm,” The moan I let out caught me off guard and obviously him as well.

“Shit,” He hissed. I glanced over his way, but only for a brief second. My eyes needed to be focused on the road. GPS guided me to his home since this would be my first time seeing his new place. It made me sad to think about everything we’d missed out on. All the plans we imagined of our future were nothing more than a distant dream now.

“Are you okay?” I quizzed.

“Yeah, You’re over here moaning over fries and shit. Got my dick hard as hell.” His revelation stunned me for a second then I burst out laughing.

“Sir, what the hell!”

“What? I wasn’t expecting you to do all that over a potato,” He grunted. It turned me on knowing I still possessed the ability to make his body react.

Renegade carried the bags from the car, while showing me which key to use to open the door. My eyes bulged as I observed his home. It matched his personality perfectly, large yet simple. It smelled like fresh linen the moment the doors were open. I inhaled deeply, committing the scent to memory because he loved those plug-ins. I used to tease him for loving a laundry scent, but he never minded.

“Welcome home. Excuse the mess, the cleaning lady isn’t scheduled until Monday,” My head whipped back to see if he meant it as a joke.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” I admired his handsome face for a second longer than I probably should have.

“A cleaning lady? Really?” From the decor, I could tell he must have been doing well for himself, but obviously better than I imagined.

“Pick your jaw off the floor. Don’t act like that. I’ve never been broke, baby. Even when we first got together, I had a little change. Plus, they aren’t nearly as expensive as you might think they are. With my schedule, I barely have time to do anything besides eat, shower and shit some days. It’s easier to have someone come through and tidy it up, even if it’s only once a week.” I nodded, walking towards the kitchen.

“It’s really nice in here. I’m so proud of you. We used to talk about having a house one day and you’ve done it.” I ran my fingers across the granite countertops in the kitchen. Renegade and I locked eyes without saying a word. Right away, I started noticing things about his house that triggered my core memories.

Years ago, he took me window shopping, and we looked around at all of the house decor and he asked me to show him what I wanted our dream house to include. His home felt oddly familiar even though I’d never been here before. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it until, I looked on the counter and noticed the Belgium waffle maker. Renegade preferred pancakes over waffles. It’s another thing we used to debate about. I told him I wanted a waffle maker in our home, and he said he’d only agree if I let him buy one of those all-in-one grills for the backyard. At the time his silly butt knew absolutely nothing about grilling, so I didn’t even understand why he wanted one so badly.

“Can I ask you a question?” The more I observed his home the more curious I became. It felt as if I were walking through one of those simulators when you’re touring homes and it has everything you want inside of it.

“You can, but I’m pretty sure you already know the answer,” Renegade replied. I lost my train of thought trying to make sense of this. Why would he build his home and include what I wanted inside? This house must have been built after I left so why would he even want to do that? The question rested on the tip of my tongue as we stared at one another.

“Ask me,” he urged. The spark between us grew even stronger and it scared me.

“Let’s eat. You know I hate cold fries. They never taste the same when you try to reheat them,” I felt him burning a hole through the side of my face, then he chuckled. The deeper vibrations from his laughter cause my nipples to peak out through my shirt. His voice always had this effect on me. My thoughts were a mess right now, and it confused me to no end. On the one hand, I wanted to dive head-first into the love we once shared. However, we were both completely different people who’ve created our own separate lives. The last thing I wanted was to fall head-first into what could have been.

“You won’t ask because you already know the answer. It’s okay, I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” He declared. We sat there eating our food in silence as I reflected on the past twenty-four hours of my life. I’ve spent so much time being isolated, it felt weird being face to face with my past. I thought I’d be nervous, but I felt oddly comfortable in his presence. A part of me wanted to know what life had been like for him since he’s been back home, but the idea of him being happy without me bothered me in a way it shouldn’t have.

“What’s on your mind? I see the vein in the middle of your forehead going crazy right now.” Renegade always made fun of me about this. I hadn’t realized my face did it until he pointed it out years ago.

“I guess you could say I'm processing. When I woke up yesterday, I wasn’t expecting to be thrusted back into my past all at one time. It’s not a bad thing, just a lot to take in.” My visits to Jonah Hills had become few and far between since my parents separated. Now, here I am face to face with the person I’d hurt the most.

“I’m sorry, I guess I’d been so caught up in getting to my father, I didn’t consider what being back home would mean to you. How are you feeling?” Renegade has always been in tune with my feelings, so I expected nothing less. It’s the way his heart was set up.

“I’m fine, being around your family brought back so many memories for me. I think I’d forgotten about all the reasons I loved this place, because I’ve only focused on the negative parts. It’s nice being surrounded by people who genuinely care about me.” He nodded, staring at me without speaking.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I squirmed under his gaze.

“I’ve imagined what I would say to you if we ever crossed paths again. River and Triniti swore you’d be back one day, but at the time, my anger wouldn’t allow me to even think about it. I want to be mad at you, but I can’t. Having you here with me right now changes everything.” My heart rate sped up, although I attempted to keep it cool.

“You have every right to be upset with me, so I won’t hold it against you.”

“That’s just it, I’m not angry. If anything, I’m upset I waited so long to find you. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt to know you felt you couldn’t come to me.”

I could hear the pain in his voice, and I wanted him to wrap my arms around him. His fists were clinched telling me his feelings were deeper than he was telling me. My stomach twisted nervously. Although his feelings were valid, I hated how much I’d hurt him.

“You don’t have to spare my feelings. Tell me how you really feel.” Our eyes locked for a moment until he took a step back. He chuckled, but it wasn’t a happy one. Tears sat at the rim of his eyes, but he wiped his eyes before they could fall. His jaw flexed and I sat there waiting for what was to come.

“You didn’t trust me. I dedicated years of my life loving and protecting you only for you to leave me when I was at my lowest! And the fucked-up part of it all is that even though you hurt me, I still love you. I told myself if I ever saw you again, I’d give you my ass to kiss. However, the moment you came to the door, I saw my heart standing there in front of me. This shit has me all conflicted. Not once did you try to reach out to me even after I got released. Don’t get me wrong, I understand you being traumatized from the shit you went through, but I would have been there for you. I hate for people to take my choices away from me and that’s exactly what you did. I deserved to have a say." I gulped, listening to his voice crack as he spoke.

" You automatically assumed the worst of me without even allowing me the opportunity to decide if I could handle it! You know me better than that, Beauty. Even if I hadn’t been on board in the beginning, my love for you would have changed things for me.” He paced the kitchen while fresh tears dripped from my eyes.

I hated seeing the pain flashing across his handsome face. He already has enough on his plate and now I’d added to it. Granted, I hadn’t been the one who came looking for him, it didn’t change the facts. My actions hurt him and there wasn’t anything I could do to change things.

“I’m sorry, Renegade. I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing if I have to. I-my mind was so messed up after what they did to me, and I’ll admit I was selfish. My trust in people was snatched away from me and I allowed my fears to lead me. In my mind, I figured us breaking up would be inevitable, so I saved myself from the heartbreak. Plus, I thought since Prosper knew he-” The anger on Renegade’s face told me he wasn’t aware.

“I’m still trying to understand how the hell he knew this whole time and never said anything. I can’t even confront him because of his illness.” My head dropped when I realized I’d messed up again. I never wanted Prosper to be blamed for any of this. In the beginning, I faulted him for sending those men, but after years of counseling, I realized it wasn’t his fault.

For some reason., I always assumed Renegade knew why I’d left because his father played such an intricate role in how I’d been able to live in peace for so long.

“When’s the last time you’ve spoken with him?” Renegade growled in anger. I jumped momentarily because I wasn’t used to him having this kind of response to me.

“It’s been years. He came to check on me after the incident. Once he found out about what happened, I begged him not to say anything. At the time, I believed it was best to keep you in the dark given where you were. Plus, I felt so dirty, I didn’t want anyone to know what happened to me. I wasn’t ready for the looks of pity or sympathy, so I hid myself for the outside world.”

“Did he know where you were living?” Renegade and I told each other everything when we were together, so the guilt ate me up inside.

“Umm, technically yes. I-” Renegade turned to walk out of the room, leaving me sitting there. My feelings were hurt, but I’d brought this on myself. Although I was happy to be back around my first love we had so much to unpack.

I finished my food in silence, waiting for him to come back. Renegade never stayed upset long so I knew he’d come back at some point. Once I finished my food, I ventured off to the living room. River sent me a text with a picture of the boys playing at the arcade. Yaya’s son Deuce was there as well. I smiled at the photo of all the boys standing together with their arms draped around each other.

Saint smiled brightly, letting me know he was having the time of his life. He wasn’t used to being around new people and I thought it would make him anxious. Clearly, I’d been wrong as I watched the videos of him laughing and running around. I thanked her again before getting comfortable on the couch. There was a throw blanket draped over the back of it, so I pulled it over myself. My eyes grew heavy, and I knew I’d be asleep in a matter of moments.

***

W aking up in the middle of the night, I almost forgot where I was. I remembered falling asleep on the couch which was why I was confused as I turned on my side in a bed, I wasn’t familiar with.

My first thought went to Saint, causing me to hop out of the bed. The darkness surrounding me let me know I’d slept for longer than I intended to. Pulling the sheets back, I searched for my phone to no avail. I decided to find Renegade to see if he could call it for me.

As I shuffled down the hallway, I heard Renegade’s voice causing me to pause for a moment.

“What’s this?” He asked. I wasn’t sure who he was talking to at first, but I got my answer after a few seconds.

“Uhh, a pig!” Saint squealed with excitement. I could hear the sounds of him clapping his hands together.

“Good job, buddy. What about this one?” It took a little longer than the first.

“Uh, a Zebra!”

“Yeah, man! Way to go!” I watched the two of then high five as Saint laughed.

“Let’s go get some ice cream before your momma wakes up,” Renegade told him as they got up from the couch. The moment they came into view, Renegade’s eyes glanced in my direction. He stared at me for a moment then focused his attention back on Saint. The two of them talked in a hushed tone as Renegade sat two bowls in front of them. Saint was seated on top of the counter as they discussed the toppings, they were going to put on it.

“Do you want sprinkles?” Renegade asked him, while assembling their sundaes. Jealousy took over as I watched the two of them interact with one another. I always thought Saint would have separation anxiety from being away from me, but the way he bonded with Renegade and his family seemed so effortless. It was as if he had known them his whole life.

“Alright, you’ve gotta hold the can like this then press down on the nozzle. See?” He instructed Saint on how to spray the whip cream onto his ice cream. The two of them laughed when it squirted out onto the floor.

“I think you might have put a little too much power behind it,” Gee teased him, tickling his tummy.

I ambled into the kitchen, making my presence known. I thought for sure Saint would be excited to see me, but his lackluster response caught me off guard.

“Hey, my baby. Did you have a good time?” He replied by nodding his head. He wasn’t the least bit interested in talking to me.

“Did you miss mommy, while you were gone?” I asked. Saints head shook from side to side; my mouth dropped open in surprise.

“Look, mommy! I have ice cream.” Renegade snickered on the side of me, causing me to glare at him.

“You’re interrupting him. He’s trying to eat his ice cream, not answer 21 questions.” I gave Gee the middle finger to let him know I wasn’t asking for his opinion. The two of them ate their ice cream together, leaving me to feel like the third wheel.

“Mommy, you want some?” Saint lifted his spoon to feed me.

“No, thank you. I can get my own,” I replied, glancing over at Renegade. He must have still been upset with me because he purposely left me out. He chuckled before making his way over to the cupboards to grab me a bowl.

“Begging ass,” Gee whispered before setting a bowl in front of me.

“Your ice cream is in the fridge.” I’d already had a milkshake earlier, so I really didn’t need any ice cream, but I appreciated the sentiment. Turning towards the freezer, my eyes widened when I saw the Superman flavored ice cream sitting on the shelf.

The red, blue and yellow colors brought joy to my soul because it’s always been one of my favorites. Renegade thought the combination of flavors were weird, but they were amazing. It kind of reminded me of sherbet because of the fruity flavors, but the hint of vanilla pulled it all together. I squealed with excitement then snatched the container out of the fridge.

“Thank you!” I blurted out. The minute I took the first bite, I moaned. The taste seemed almost nostalgic as it’s been years since the last time, I’ve had it. The stores in Tisdale did not carry it, which bummed me out when I first moved there.

“You’re welcome. I grabbed it while you were taking a nap since I knew how much you used to love that nasty sh-I mean, stuff.” He stopped himself from cussing which warmed my heart. Saint picked up on things like a sponge, so I tried my best not to curse around him too often.

“Thank you. That was really sweet of you. Especially since you were mad at me earlier.” I focused my attention on my ice cream because I didn’t want to see the reaction on his face.

“I’m not mad at you, beauty. I’m trying my best to wrap my head around all of this and it’s not easy. If you only knew how I’m really feeling right now, you would understand. I’m sorry for walking out on you the way I did. Regardless of what took place, the fact remains that it’s all in the past. There’s no point in dwelling on things we can’t change. The most important thing right now is that you’re here and you’re safe.”

“You have the right to process your emotions however, you see fit. Your feelings matter and you don’t have to sweep them under the rug to protect me. Regardless of intent, I hurt you and that’s not fair. It’s okay if you need time to process your feelings. I’m not expecting you to let this go overnight. Hell, it took me a long time to work through everything I’ve dealt with these last few years.”

“I understand what you mean and you’re right to an extent. However, I went looking for you and I promised myself I’d accept whatever came from it. Besides, I don’t want to allow my ego to get in the way of my blessings.” A lump formed in my throat as I looked up at him.

“Saint, you are so sticky!” Of course, he laughed at me.

“I’m going to put him in the tub and get him cleaned up.”

“Alright, I bought him some clothes and stuff. Everything is already in his room. His bath items are in there as well.” Rather than speaking up, I grabbed Saint and hauled off to the other guest room. When I pushed the door open, I could hardly believe my eyes. He made it seem as if it were only a few items, but the bed overflowed with bags scattered all over. My jaw dropped in disbelief.

“I bought a few things for you too, but they’re in my room. I didn’t want to interrupt you while you were asleep.” I turned to face Renegade, who stood in the doorway. His tall, sexy frame took up all of the space; he had to duck down to walk into the room.

“You really didn’t need to do all of this. I-"

“You’re welcome,” He cut me off.

“Thank you,”

“I got you. I’m about to turn in for the night so I can head up to this hospital in the morning. If you need anything, let me know and I’ll take care of it.”

“How am I supposed to pay you back for all of this?” I gestured towards all of the items he’d purchased. Based on the brands, I knew this cost him a pretty penny.

“You’re not. Like I told you in the kitchen, I’m not about to mess up my blessings. Have a goodnight, Beauty. Good night, Superman!”

“Night!” Saint yelled back, waving as Renegade walked out of the door. Being in his presence overwhelmed me and gave me peace at the same time. I wasn’t sure what would happen during my stay here, but I welcomed whatever time we had together.