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fifteen

“S pill it! We’ve been patient enough, and we need to know what happened. One minute, we were planning wedding colors, and the next, you disappeared like Casper the ghost. You can’t just leave us hanging like this.” River pressed. We were all at Ms. Tammy’s house, Renegade’s mother. Even though Prosper had multiple baby mommas, she’s been around the longest, so she’s played a role in all of our lives.

“I’m with River. We’ve been worried sick about you for the last few years. Renegade stopped answering questions about you while he was locked up, so it’s been this big old mystery going around. Why did you leave?” I knew the questions were coming, so I’d already prepared myself for them. I’ve been isolated for so long that it felt unusual to be back home, around everything I’ve ever known.

When I drove Renegade to the hospital, I thought for sure he’d take me back home after the day ended. However, it’s been two weeks now, and I’m still in Jonah Hills. Luckily, Sienna has been taking care of my dogs while I figured out what was going on. Prosper’s discharge papers were processed this morning, so I figured once we got him settled, we could discuss me returning back home.

“Umm, Earth to Beauty!” River shouted, breaking me from my thoughts. Taking a deep breath, I repeated the story I’d told Renegade when he found me. Of course, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room, including mine. I’d cried so many tears behind the trauma of my past. Now, more than ever, I wanted to move on from it.

“I don’t understand why you felt you couldn’t reach out to us. Regardless of your relationship with our brother, we love you. We would have supported you no matter what. Hell, we would have cussed our brother out, if he even thought about walking away from you. We looked for you for weeks after you changed your number. Renegade put on this unbothered front, but we knew better. His heart has always beat for you, and it’s never changed.” I wish I could go back in time and take back some of my choices, but it’s impossible.

“My mind was in such a dark place back then. All I wanted was to be alone. I didn’t want you to suffer with me even though I have no doubt you would have been there. My father helped me purchase a small house out in Tisdale, and after I gave birth to Saint, I decided to try to make the best of a bad situation.

I started going to therapy for about six months after he was born, but I became overwhelmed. She suggested I confront my past head-on, but I couldn’t face him. I’d promised never to leave Renegade’s side and I broke my promise. Each time I worked up enough nerve to reach out, I thought about how much he probably hated me. Then I looked at Saint, and I convinced myself he’d never be able to accept my son.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, Sweetheart. I know all too well what trauma like that does to your soul.” Ms. Tammy replied solemnly. My eyes widened at her revelation.

“My oldest son, Tip, was the product of rape. It’s crazy that you mentioned Renegade not accepting your child because his father and I were best friends when I was attacked. I cried for days when the doctor told me I was pregnant. It took me weeks to even tell him because I was afraid to tell anyone for fear of being judged. I’d always had a bit of a reputation growing up, so I figured no one would believe me. Prosper did. Not only did he stand by me, but he, umm handled my issues.” She gave me a knowing look, sending chills down my spine.

“He held my hand during my entire pregnancy, and once Tip was born, he spoiled him rotten. He loved my son as his own up until he took his last breath at fifteen.” I remember the story of her son being killed in a hit-and-run accident. Renegade had a tattoo of his name across his shoulder blade with clouds surrounding it.

“There’s nothing you can do to change the past, and that’s okay. What I will say is don’t underestimate the power of love. Prosper had his flaws, but his heart outweighed them all. My son has a heart much like his father. Allow him the chance to show you what he’s made of.” I watched her take a sip from her teacup as I processed her advice. Renegade and I hadn’t sat down to discuss anything outside of Prosper’s health and what I want to eat. He spent most of his time with Saint when he wasn't checking in on Prosper. The two of them had become as thick as thieves, leaving me secretly jealous. All this time, I questioned whether he could love my child, and he seemed to care about him more than me. Plus, we couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room, being that he was clearly in a relationship. I’m a firm believer in karma, and I could not afford any bad juju on my end. As much as I loved him, I’d never play the sidelines for anyone. Since he hadn’t made his intentions clear, I tried my best to keep him at arm’s length. My heart was much too fragile to play with it.

“Where is Saint anyway? I assumed he’d be here with you.” Triniti asked. I smiled, thinking about where my son was.

“Messiah came to pick him up this morning. He and his new bestie, Deuce had a play date at the Zoo. Renegade wanted to stop by the hospital to pick up Prosper then he’s supposed to be meeting them.” Miyana called me a few nights ago to ask if he could come. At first, I was hesitant, but I realized it came from us being isolated for so long. The delight on my son’s face confirmed I’d made the right decision.

“Aww, I’m going to have to come kidnap my baby soon.” I rolled my eyes at River. She’d been FaceTiming Saint almost daily since we’d been back home. My son loved every bit of the attention he’d received since our return. It almost caused me to feel guilty because I never considered what he’d miss out on by shutting everyone out.

“Don’t be a hater. I have a lot of catching up to do, so I’m going to take advantage as much as I can until y’all get married and give me more babies.” I choked on my tea.

“River please! You’re taking delusional to a whole other level. Renegade is in a whole relationship, so how do you even come up with us getting married and having children in that brain of yours?”

“The only person who’s delusional at this table is you, love. You’re crazy if you don’t see what we see. Our brother is just as crazy about you now as he was when you two first started dating.” Triniti interjected.

“Thank you, sis! I’ve always thought you were bright, Saya. There’s no way you don’t see the way Gee is handling you. Case in point, you’ve been here for over two weeks, and where have you been staying?” River retorted.

“Exactly!” She snickered. “He’s making room for the two of you in his home. Hell, he sent me to the store with his card to buy Saint a toy chest and new bedding for the “guest room”. Beauty, open your eyes and pay attention. It’s not a man’s words you have to pay attention to, it’s his actions.” My heart fluttered as I recalled all of Renegade’s behaviors lately. He had slowly been transforming his guest room into a kid’s room, and when I questioned him about it, he brushed me off. I thought maybe I misinterpreted what was going on. Apparently, I wasn’t paying close enough attention.

“I don’t want to think too deep into this. We both have separate lives that don’t include one another. I’m not here to intrude on what he has going on. I’m simply here to show support to a dear friend.”

“Ahaha! Girl, I cannot even take you seriously. I can’t wait to bring this up at your wedding, during my toast.” River taunted, popping a

“Period, sis. Both of them are going to drive us crazy, trying to act like we don’t see what’s going on. Just give me time to lose about ten pounds so I can fit into my dress. That’s all I ask.”

“The two of you are insane. I guess we’ll just have to see.” An incoming call interrupted my moment with them. A smile graced my face, and I hated the hold he still possessed over my heart.

“Hello?”

“Whatchu doing, beauty?” The butterflies crept in the moment I heard his voice.

“I’m still at your mom’s house with your crazy ass sisters.” I giggled as they talked shit in the background.

“They aren’t as crazy as you think, but ummm, how long do you plan on being there?” My thoughts were jumbled, trying to decipher what he meant by his previous comment.

“I’m not sure. Do you need me?” I assumed his inquiry about my plans meant he needed a favor or something.

“I’ll always need you. I’m good for the moment, though. Pops is finally home, so I’m running some errands for him.”

“How’s he doing?” I know this recent scare sent the whole family into a panic. Now that his health issues were made public, everyone’s been on his case about taking better care of himself. Granny Lula wanted him to move in with her, but he refused.

“He’s straight. He’s back to his usual self, cussing and flirting with every female with breasts and legs.” I cackled. As long as Prosper had air in his body, I don’t believe he’d ever change. It’s one of the things I’d grown to love about him the most. He was unapologetically himself, no matter what anyone else thought.

“I’m happy to hear it. I’m going to have River drop me off over there so I can sit with him. I could use the laughs.” Honestly, I wanted to thank him for what he’d done for me. When everything went down, we never spoke about what happened. My father told me Prosper dropped off a duffle bag for me and then disappeared into the night.

When I received the bag, I found a letter on top of a pile of money. In the letter, he told me I’d never have to watch over my shoulders again, and that he loved me. He made it clear that if I ever needed anything, all I needed to do was say the word, and he’d make it happen. The shame inside of me kept me from reaching out, but he still kept in touch. Every month, I’d get a letter in the mail with a check addressed to me for ten thousand dollars. I tried to send the first one back, only to receive two more two weeks later.

“Okay, shoot me a text when you’re ready to come home. I’m about to go meet up with ‘Siah and nem. Saint needed swimming trunks, so I grabbed him a couple of pairs along with some snacks.”

“Okay, do you need me to send you some money?”

“Stop fuckin’ playing with me.” I hadn’t expected his response, so I laughed nervously.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to offend you or anything. He is my child, after all.”

“You heard what I said, so I’m not even going back and forth with you. You’ve never used your money around me, so I don’t know why you would even ask some silly shit like that.”

“It feels like you’re yelling at me, and I don’t like it,” I whined, knowing he hated when I pouted.

“I’m not yelling at you, yet. Don’t try me like that again. Let me get off this phone so I can go grab these prescriptions. I love you, beauty.” I froze, trying to make sure I wasn’t hearing things. As much as I wanted to pretend his declaration hadn’t scared me, I’d be lying to myself. For so many years, I thought I’d never hear those words again. Now, here he was saying it for a second time and I had no clue what it all meant

“Get out of your head. Ain’t shit changed on my end. We’ll talk later, though. I’ll send you pictures of Lil’ man in a little bit.” Once he disconnected the call, I panicked internally. I’ve been holding back in order to keep myself from getting my feelings hurt, but Renegade owned my heart. In a perfect world, we’d be together, living happily after, while raising our family. It’s what I wanted more than anything, but was it possible?

“Are you ready to go, beauty? Daddy wants me to sneak him some hot wings before Renegade comes back.” River explained.

“Isn’t he supposed to be on a strict diet?”

“Girl, if you know nothing else about Prosper Graham, it’s that he does what the fuck he wants to do. Telling him no is pointless, because he’ll just send one of his many hoes to do it for him.”

“Alright, let’s hurry up so we can hide the evidence. I don’t need your brother upset with me because your daddy wants to be a rebel.” I fussed.

“Well, since you all are leaving, I’m going to send these tea cakes over there with you. He’s been begging for them, but I knew my son wouldn’t take them to him.” Ms. Tammy sauntered into the kitchen and then brought out a bakery box full of desserts.

“Y’all are terrible.” I hissed. There’s no way he needed an entire box of sweets. Especially considering the face that he was just released from the hospital.

“River wasn’t lying about her father. The man doesn’t take no for an answer. Plus, I felt bad for him. The boys are about to have him under strict supervision starting Monday. I figured this would cheer him up.” Sucking my teeth, I grabbed the box from her.

Renegade already told me they were getting rid of the previous nurse because they found out she’d been buying him liquor and junk food. Prosper was truly a piece of work.

***