Page 59 of Steel

“Ain’t nothing going wrong. Don’t even put that in the air.”

“Listen to me. If something goes wrong, . . . if it comes down to me or our son, choose him. I want him to live. My life matters, but his matters more. I know you will take care of him. My mom . . . I know she’ll have a hard time, but show her some grace. Promise me that.”

“Are you sure about that, D? We can make another baby. We can’t make another you.”

She rubbed her stomach. “I love him so much. It would kill me not to be here for him, but he was made with love. I would die to give him a chance at life. Promise me you’ll choose him.”

I sighed. “I promise.”

“Now, if I die, don’t be having any ol’ bitch around my son. I’ll haunt your ass.”

I laughed. “I got you, D. I love you, man.”

“I love you too.”

I never had to make that decision, because it was made for me. Even though we talked about it, we were overly prepared for every aspect of her pregnancy but living without her.

“I’m doing my best, D,” I said as KJ continued to finger her picture. “Fat Man is thriving and hitting all his milestones. He’s spoiled with love.” I chuckled. “He doesn’t fuck with me when his grandparents are around, especially Senior. You’ve seen those kids with that man. Nigga is the baby whisperer.”

I bit my lip, preparing to tell her the next part.

“I have a daughter, D. Ten years old. She’s beautiful, . . . funny, smart . . . she’s perfect. I love that little girl so much, and I’ve barely scratched the surface of who she is. I’m so fucking hurt that I had to miss so much of her life. She was my firstborn, and I missed everything you’ve missed with our son. It’s so fucking unfair.”

I paused for a moment, reeling in my emotions because I could feel myself about to cry, and I didn’t want to alarm my son. Once I got it together, I stayed for a few more minutes, just talking to her about random things. I’d never been one to talk to the dead, but I’d never had a reason to until now. After whispering a prayer, I packed KJ up and loaded him in the car.

Twenty minutes later, we were pulling into Ms. Anita’s driveway. I got out to get KJ and his bag before heading up the front steps and ringing the doorbell. A few seconds passed before she opened the door and let me in.

“Kerrion, it’s good to see you.”

“Good to see you too.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “How you doing?”

“I’m good. Excited to have KJ for the weekend. Did you pack him church clothes?”

“He has something in there. Don’t be letting them old church ladies pinch my boy’s cheeks.”

She chuckled. “I won’t.” Her gaze drifted to him, and her smile widened. “Hey, KJ.”

She tickled his belly, and he giggled.

“He’s so sweet.”

“Don’t let that smile fool you. He can be a menace.”

“Daddy is lying on you, isn’t he, baby?” She lifted KJ from my arms, and surprisingly, he didn’t put up a fuss. In fact, he rested his head on her shoulder.

“Oh my goodness.” Ms. Anita cooed, rubbing his back. “You and I are gonna have a great time, aren’t we?” She looked over at me. “Thank you. Go on and give me the list because I know you have one.”

I grinned. “I do. I wrote it all down in the notebook in his bag. I packed him some extra clothes ’cause he can be a messy eater. I’ve started introducing him to solids, and he loves eggs. Fat Man is greedy and demanding if you take too long to give him the next bite. Don’t be surprised if he screams at you. I usually put him to bed at eight. He might wake up for a bottle, but he usually goes back to sleep. If not, he’s gonna be looking at you for entertainment. When that happens, I usually put on Ms. Rachel. He loves that white lady.”

Ms. Anita giggled. “Duly noted. Anything else?”

“Nah. Everything is in the notebook. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay. Before you go, do you wanna see where he’ll be sleeping?”

“Sure.”

She led me down the hallway to a door with a big blue “K” on the front. When she opened it, I was surprised to find a fully decorated room for a baby. It didn’t smell like fresh paint, leading me to believe she’d had this for a while.