Page 146 of Steel

The soil was still fresh as I dug the shovel into it.

My mind transported me somewhere else as I continued to shovel the dirt away. For what seemed like forever, I dug and dug until I could see the top of the coffin. My arms were on fire, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. Tears streamed down my face as I cleared the path to my baby. Opening the coffin, I stared down at her beautiful face. She looked so peaceful.

“It’s okay,” I said, going to her. “It’s okay. Mommy’s here.”

I lifted her upper half from the coffin, cradling her against my chest as I cried against her cold flesh.

“I got you . . . I’m taking you home.”

I don’t know where the strength came from as I lifted her from the coffin and maneuvered her out of the grave and into the trunk of the car. Stroking her hair and kissing her cheeks, I tried to comfort her. I let her know that everything was going to be okay. I needed her to know that.

Closing the trunk, I took the shovel and flipped the casket closed before getting to work, covering it back up. It was almost four in the morning before I left the cemetery. I drove back to my home in silence. It didn’t matter that what I’d done was wrong. My baby was coming home, and that was the only thing that counted.

Present Day

“It’s okay, KJ,”I said, bouncing him as I paced the floor of the motel room.

He’d been fussy for the last two hours. I’d changed him, tried to feed him, and offered him comfort, but nothing was working.

“What’s the matter, baby?” I asked, rubbing his back. “I’m trying here, KJ.”

Of course, he didn’t understand that, and I didn’t know what else to do. I kept walking and bouncing him until his cries finally subsided, and he fell asleep. Even after he was asleep, I kept pacing and bouncing him to ensure that he stayed asleep. Once I was sure he was down for the count, I placed him on the bed and built a barrier of pillows and blankets to make sure he didn’t go anywhere.

Grabbing my toiletries bag, I headed into the bathroom to shower. Turning on the shower, I stood in front of the mirror with my hands resting against the counter. My head hung low as tears streamed down my face. I’d been keeping it together the whole trip, but now that I had a moment to finally breathe, it was hitting me all at once.

I’d left everything to run off with my grandson.

Yesterday, I took an Uber to meet with someone selling a cash car. I knew I couldn’t take mine because there would be a BOLO out on the make, model, and license plate. While KJ was asleep, I packed as much as I could into my suitcases and placedthem in the car. Around five a.m., I hit the road to beat the early morning traffic.

The only thing I took was all the cash from my account and essentials for us. I didn’t take any electronics that could be traced. After we’d been on the road for a while, I stopped to get one of those prepaid debit cards and phones from the dollar store.

It wasn’t like I would need it, because I had no one to call. I was sure there was an amber alert out for KJ and that my face was plastered all over the news. It wasn’t a well thought-out plan, but it would buy me some time to think of something.

I didn’t know what I was thinking, running off with this baby. I just . . . I wanted him to myself. He was all I had left of my daughter. The little time I got with him wasn’t enough. Weekend visits or calls weren’t enough. This week with him brought me so much peace and happiness. KJ reminded me so much of Donna. It was the little things he did that mimicked her as a baby.

I’d convinced myself that she didn’t leave me. She was still here, . . . still with me in the form of her son. When he looked at me, all I saw were her eyes looking back at me. I felt like I was getting a second chance with my baby.

Gathering myself, I stripped down and climbed in the shower. The hot water was soothing to my muscles. We’d been on the road for seven hours now, and all I wanted to do was sleep. We still had miles and miles to go before we reached our destination. I was taking him far away from our home to a place that had always been peaceful for me and my family.

Donald had a cabin in the hills of Tennessee. Every summer, we’d go up there and spend two weeks enjoying the peaceful quiet of the lake. It was one of my favorite places to get away. After he passed, Donna and I continued the tradition. While it was lonely without him, having her there kept me in good spirits.

Now that she was gone, KJ was the only person I could see me taking to this place. I wanted him to experience a little of the life we shared before it all went to shit. It was his birthright, and I thought we could be happy there, if only for a little while.

My thoughts drifted to Kerrion.

I knew he was losing his shit, and I was sorry that he had to go through this, but he had another child. He had a life and woman he could go and make more babies with. He would be okay, but I wasn’t. Maybe it didn’t make sense. Maybe it wasn’t rational, but it was all I had.

I knew if he ever caught me, I was dead.

I knew his family, . . . what they did, . . . what they were capable of. The moment I was caught, I was dead. Maybe I was hoping that would be the case. For someone to finally put me out of my misery because I didn’t think I could do it myself.

I finished in the shower and brushed my teeth before throwing on my bonnet and pajamas then climbing into bed. I watched KJ sleeping peacefully, praying that I could get some rest. As I lay there staring at him, thoughts of my husband and Donna flooded my mind. It saddened me to leave them behind after all I’d done to bring them home.

It wasn’t forever, just temporary. I tried to think of the promise that one day we would all be together again. With that thought instilled, I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep.

I satin Neha’s backyard, laid out on the trampoline, smoking a blunt.

Three days.