Page 21 of Steel

In the closet, fourteen-year-old Dinah hid us behind some clothes. She pulled me into her lap and covered my mouth with her hand.

“Shhhh!” she said.

I tried my hardest to hold in my tears, but I was scared. Mama’s screams were getting louder and louder.

“Timothy, stop! Please!”

“Shut up, bitch! I’ll give you something to really cry about.”

“The girls?—”

“Fuck them kids. I hate all of you. All you do is ruin my life. I should put a bullet in your fucking head to get rid of you once and for all!”

My eyes widened. How could he say that? Fathers were supposed to love their kids. He was supposed to love my mom. They were supposed to make you feel safe, but he wanted to hurt us.

“Dinah, I’m scared.”

“I know. I’m scared, too, but Mama said don’t come out.”

“What if he hurts her really bad!”

The screams continued for what seemed like forever. Then they stopped. That scared me more. If she screamed, at least she was alive.

“We have to help her!” I whisper yelled.

“Mama said?—”

The sound of tires screeching cut her off. I broke away from her arms and fled the closet to the window of our bedroom,making it just in time to see the taillights of my father’s car. I didn’t wait for my sister before running from the room.

When Dinah and I found her, she was barely hanging on. She was all bloody and bruised. I thought she was dead. Dinah had to slap me to stop me from screaming so she could call 9-1-1. The shit traumatized me. The screams, . . . the blood, it was all I could hear and see for months. It haunted me, even in my sleep. That was what I saw at the party. That was what I saw every time I looked at him after the incident.

“What am I going to do?” I whispered.

“Talk to him, Sis. Give him a chance to understand what happened.”

I sighed heavily.

She was right. At this point, there was nothing else Icoulddo. I had a feeling I’d be seeing him again very soon.

I satcross-legged on the mat, looking at the circle of fifteen kids around me. Their faces held a mix of curiosity and nervous energy. We were taking a break from the physical aspects of their training and focusing on the mental today. All of my kids had promise. They were so smart and capable, and I wanted to tap into their minds because it all started there.

The brain was the body’s threat response system. While most people referred to flight or fight as the response to immediate danger, there were actually four: flight, fight, freeze, or fawn. Freezing referred to shutting down, and fawning referred to doing whatever it took to avoid or defuse the present danger.

The kids in my class ranged from ages eight to fifteen. What they all had in common was the fact that their confidence crumbled so quickly when real fear hit.

“Today we’re going to talk about what happens up here,” I said, pointing to my temple. “What happens in the mind whenwe feel scared or threatened will always determine how we respond. I want you to think about a time when you were really scared. Maybe you couldn’t do anything about it or couldn’t think straight. Does anyone want to share?”

Alexis, my oldest student, raised her hand. “Last week, I was walking home from school, and this stray dog was on the loose. There’s a warning in my neighborhood about him because he’s bit someone before, but he got away. When I saw him, all I could do was stand there.”

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Alexis. Your brain went into what we call ‘freeze mode.’ It’s like when a computer gets overloaded and shuts down.” I leaned forward, making eye contact with each of them. “We can always teach our brains to work better under pressure, especially when it comes to protecting yourself.”

I stood and moved to the center of our circle. “I want everybody to close your eyes. I’m going to walk y’all through a scenario, and I want you to really feel it, a’ight?”

They all nodded and closed their eyes. The parents watched closely as I circled the space.

“Imagine you’re walking to your friend’s house, and you notice someone following you. Don’t open your eyes. Just picture the situation and pay attention to what happens in your body.”

I watched as their faces changed. Breathing changed. Eyebrows scrunched together. A few of them jumped.