Page 29 of Sinful as They Come (Sinful Trilogy #1)

“I don’t wanna be here,” he said lowly. “This… This is not the life I want. I paint where I wanna be. And I paint where I think I belong. And I paint literally anything that isn’t my life, because…

because this is not how I want things to be.

My dad is a drunk. This right here? This black eye?

This isn’t even the worst of it. Fuck, this is him on a good day.

But I’m used to it. The bruises, the blood.

That’s a normal occurrence here. But I don’t want this to be my forever.

I want out. Big cities, the ocean, rolling hills.

Everything out there. Anything but here.

Anything but this place. That’s why I paint all of it.

I see it in my head, ‘cause I want it that bad. I paint what I want and what I need… But… But I know I’m not gonna get there.

What the hell am I gonna do when school ends?

I’ll probably still be here, in this shitty, little trailer with my drunk dad who doesn’t know what day it is.

I’ll keep fixing cars, and I’ll keep dreaming of places where I feel like I belong, but…

like I said, I don’t think I’m gonna get there. ”

It was then that Sawyer finally let go of my wrist. He picked the bag of peas back up, moving it to his swollen eye before he leaned back in his chair. I could have sworn my lips trembled a little at his words. That had been more than unexpected.

“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted.

“You?” Sawyer smiled. It wasn’t a smirk or a condescending grin. No. It was just a genuine smile. “Holly Sutton doesn’t know what to say?”

“I just… No, yeah, I really don’t know what to say to… to…”

“To what?”

“To make you feel better.”

Sawyer scoffed and avoided my eyes for a second. “You don’t have to say anything to me. There aren’t any magic words to make me feel better or change my life.”

“You could get a scholarship,” I suggested shyly. My afternoon had gone from me being mad at Sawyer to giving him a sudden pep talk. “And you could study whatever you wanted and get out of here and have the life you want.”

“In all the years you’ve known me, when have I ever even given off the vibe that I wanna go to college?”

“I know. It’s just… Your art’s really good, and I’m sure you could do something with your talent. Maybe that could lead to something?”

Sawyer chuckled at me, dropping the peas to the table again. “What the hell are you doing?”

“What?” I frowned.

“I get it. You feel bad for me. My dad beats the shit outta me and I have no money and I live in a literal trailer park. I don’t need your fucking pity, Holly. I don’t need anyone’s pity, but I especially don’t need yours.”

“I’m being honest!” Did he think I didn’t mean what I was saying? “Your art is really good. And out of all the painters who are working on this project, you’re the most talented. I’m not saying that because of all of this stuff with your dad, I’m saying it because it’s the truth.”

Sawyer shrugged lazily. “None of that means shit to me, Holly.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know you hate me and everything, but even I can admit that you shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

He just rose his dark eyebrows up at me when I said that.

I cautiously handed the melting bag of peas his way, watching as he slowly took the packet, his eyes still stuck on me.

He didn’t press the cold bag to his face and instead held it tightly.

No. He just… looked at me. The way he was gazing at me was making me nervous.

“You should go home before my dad gets here,” he finally whispered. “I’ll get Brodie to take a photo of one of my paintings and send it to you. I just finished a new one the other day. Use that. I don’t care what you write, or if you don’t write anything at all.”

“Will you be okay? You know, you don’t have to stay here. You and Brodie. You don’t have to—"

“I’ve been dealing with this my whole life,” he cut me off. “Don’t lose any sleep over it.”

“Maybe I can help,” I mumbled, but I had no idea how I would achieve that.

Sawyer gave me a small grin. “And how are you gonna do that?”

I had no answer for him, really. But he didn’t deserve to be scared in his own home. “I don’t know. I’m just saying you shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Yeah? And what about you?” he asked with a sharp nod.

My eyes narrowed at his question. “What about me?”

“What about your perfect life, Holly?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m pretty happy with my life.”

Sawyer said nothing for a moment. “What about Carter?”

“What about him?” The other night at Alden Lake flashed in my head, and I felt shame rise up in me. I knew what Sawyer was getting at, but I didn’t want him to get at it to begin with.

Sawyer looked at me seriously. “Do you actually like that asshole?”

“Look…” I sighed. “Carter’s a nice guy. You two… You two just clash. You two have nothing in common. It makes sense that you don’t get along. You’re an artist and he’s a football player. You’re just too different.”

“You didn’t answer my question. ”

“What question?”

“Do you actually like that asshole?”

“Of course I do,” I insisted. Why was he interrogating me? “I don’t just like him. I love him. A lot.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Why are you bringing him up all of a sudden?”

Sawyer sucked in a quick, sharp breath. “What about the other night?”

I prayed for a black hole to form right then and there in Sawyer’s kitchen. Maybe it could suck me up and take me far, far away from his questioning stare. “What about it?”

“Does he always treat you like that?”

I noticed there was no real malice to his voice. There was no anger, no edge. Was he trying to goad information out of me for a future fight or was he genuinely curious? My foot tapped against the floor.

“Look, you caught us in a bad moment,” I tried to explain.

How could I explain? Carter was like that sometimes.

A lot of the time, actually. But I couldn’t admit that to Sawyer.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. Couples fight all the time.

Usually that’s in private. But thanks to our fun camping trip, you just happened to see us in the middle of an argument.

I appreciate the concern, but everything between me and Carter is fine.

I love him. He loves me. Everything is perfect. ”

The worst part was how unconvincing I sounded. Could Sawyer pick up on that? Was he going to sit there and laugh in my face?

“You act weird around him,” Sawyer said.

I forced out a laugh. “No, I don’t.”

“You get all quiet. Like you’re questioning yourself.

I’m not used to seeing you like that. I’m used to seeing you all…

” He shifted in his chair a little. “Confident. Like when you’re cheering and yelling and doing all those backflips and whatever the hell you do.

And the way you talk to me? You never let me walk all over you. ”

“You’re more fun to argue with…”

Snickering a tiny bit, that sound quickly faded away as a deep frown took over Sawyer’s face. “I just don’t get what you fucking see in him. ”

“This is gonna sound really dumb, and you’re probably gonna laugh, but…

I want… You know, the fairytale,” I whispered, feeling a hint of embarrassment, because why was I confessing anything to Sawyer?

“And when we first got together, I thought we had that. He was a totally different person. He was so sweet…”

Sawyer scoffed.

“Sweet to me, at least,” I said. “We just made sense. You know, I was on the field cheering and he was playing football, and it just worked. I realize how cliché it all sounds. He’s the quarterback, I’m the head cheerleader.

But I liked how easy it all was at the start.

Relationships are supposed to be easy,” I said with a heavy sigh, because I knew mine was anything but.

“I love the idea of high school sweethearts. You know, being with your first love, with the same person for the rest of your life, sharing everything together… It just sounds so romantic… And we used to do all the stuff I liked. The stuff I thought he liked too. We’d watch the sunset and we’d go for long drives and just be together…

” But then he’d get all handsy and pushy, and the gentleman who showed up at my front door to pick me up suddenly disappeared.

Then he’d huff and puff when he didn’t get his way, and I was left feeling stupid and shameful.

I was still so badly waiting for the guy I fell for to come back to me.

“But I have to grow up and not expect my life to be like a fairytale. I guess I like romance a little too much…”

Shaking his head slightly, he huffed. “Why do you keep doing that?”

“What?”

“You think you have to change? The guy has you in tears and you still think you’re the problem?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“You always get everything you want, don’t you?” he said lowly. “So why are you settling for a guy who doesn’t give you all of that fairytale romance stuff that you want?”

“Some guys aren’t into that. I have to accept that Carter is one of those guys. I can be needy sometimes, you know?” More and more heat crept up in my cheeks – in my whole body – as it dawned on me that Sawyer was giving me relationship advice . “God, I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”

Sawyer kept quiet, however. All I could hear were the cars that zoomed up and down the freeway that must have kept him up all night. We stayed there in the kitchen without barking at each other. There was no fighting. No mean words. It was oddly peaceful.

I needed a distraction. Grabbing the peas from Sawyer’s hand, I held the bag to Sawyer’s eye again.

My fingers brushed up against his warm skin and my cheeks quickly felt red and hot.

Me and Sawyer rarely spent time in the same room alone.

We especially didn’t spend time with me holding a bag of peas to his face after he just got into a fight with his dad.

Sawyer said something, but he mumbled the words and I couldn’t quite hear him.

“Hm?” I prompted, moving the bag away from his face.

“I said…” He closed his eyes for a short second before staring at me. “I said you deserve better than that.”

As much as I tried to fight the feeling, the words went straight to my heart. No one knew how much Carter hurt me sometimes. Even Annie. Even the other girls on the cheer team. It was sad how Sawyer seemed to know more about my relationship troubles than anyone else.

Did I deserve better? Did I really?

Carter was supposed to be perfect. But there were days when I wanted nothing more than to run away from him, to keep him at a long distance. But he was mine and I was his and he wasn’t always so cold to me. He could be sweet when he wanted to be.

But God, when he was cruel he was really cruel. And sometimes that side of him showed up far too often.

I had to fight back the tears, but there was one quiet sentence I made sure to let out, because I had a feeling Sawyer needed to hear it too.

“So do you,” I said.