Page 30 of Should the Sky Fall

“You’d be talking differently if you saw my dick.”

Dawson scrunches his nose. “I’ve seen your dick. You’re not that impressive.”

Kieran gapes at him. “When did you see it?!”

“Your birthday five years ago. You took off your clothes and danced on the table singingI touch myself. Everybody saw it.”

“Oh! I remember!” Kieran grins. “Good times.”

“For you, maybe.”

Kieran’s dick aside, Dawson hates being around drunk people. Not drinking also means being the only sane person who remembers everything and is responsible for the rest of them. He used to enjoy a glass or two himself, but living with Cal kind of put a damper on everything. He can’t remember the last time he had cider or beer.

Slowly, Kieran’s grin disappears, as though he can sense the shift in Dawson’s mood.

“Well, now that you’ve unsuccessfully tried to change the topic, let’s come back to you. How are you feeling?”

He’d pay money for someone to tell him what it is he’s feeling.

“Like…like I’m watching this happen from the outside. Like it’s happening to someone else.”

“Technically, it’s happening to Cal,” Kieran says, chuckling. He sobers up when Dawson doesn’t laugh. “Sorry. Too soon?”

Dawson shakes his head. It was a little funny. “It’s fine. I’m feeling…lots of things I shouldn’t feel.” Things that would earn him a one-way ticket to hell, if he believed in such a thing.

“Dee.” Kieran slings an arm over his shoulders and kisses the top of his head. “You can’t control how you feel. There’s no right or wrong—”

“I wished he didn’t survive.”

Kieran freezes. “What?”

Dawson closes his eyes, pulling away. He can’t look at Kieran as he admits something so horrible to him.

“After Cal coded…when the doctor came out to tell me…” His voice cracks.

Kieran shifts, closing the distance Dawson so desperately tried to put between them. “What?”

“I knew it was bad news. The doctor had that look and then he started to apologize and…” He can’t do it. The mere thought is abhorrent; he can’t actually let the words out.

“And?” Kieran prompts gently. “It’s okay Dee. You can tell me.”

It takes a small eternity before he finds his voice. “I was…I was relieved.” He looks at Kieran with wide eyes, unable to believe he’s admitting this to someone. “I was relieved when I thought he died, Kieran. And then…then they called outcode bluefor Cal’s room again and I…” He hides his face in his palms, fighting a bout of nausea. “Fuck. Fuck.”

“Come here.” Kieran’s arms are around him, pulling him up and into an embrace. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. What kind of monster wishes for their husband to die?”

Kieran holds him tighter, his voice quiet but firm. “Someone who was hurt a lot. There’s nothing wrong with what you feel, Dee. It’s not your fault he’s an asshole.” He trails off for a moment. “Honestly, I’ve wished so many times that he would end up dead in a ditch. I hate the guy.”

An unexpected laugh escapes Dawson. “Really? I couldn’t tell.”

He feels rather than hears Kieran’s answering chuckle. Another kiss lands on his forehead. “You’re okay, Dee.”

He’s far from okay, but at least he doesn’t feel like he's being swallowed by darkness anymore. He might not deserve a friend like Kieran, but he sure is grateful for him.

When he feels marginally more put together, he sits up straight and wipes moisture from his eyes.

“I think I need a shower. Do you have a spare blanket and a pillow?”