Page 143 of Should the Sky Fall

He has no idea how he arrived here, to this place where the mere thought of Cal invokes feelings of affection and happiness, where having Cal by his side makes him feel safe. But he’s realized that the road that brought him here isn’t important. Instead of fixating on the ‘how’ and the ‘why’, he wants to focus on the now. Instead of having his life happen to him, he wants to startlivingit.

And he wants it with Cal.

“You’re right. I did give it up for him. But that was before. He’s not that person anymore.”

Olivia looks at him like she doesn’t recognize him. He doesn’t blame her. He’s changed a lot—over the years with Cal, and in the past couple of months. For the first time in forever, he feels like himself. Like the kind of person he always wanted to be.

“You think that having a few screws knocked loose suddenly changes a person?”

Suppressing the urge to defend Cal—there are no screws loose, he just doesn’t remember things—he focuses on the obvious. “Look around you. How much clearer can it be that he’s nothing like the man I married?”

Olivia’s hands fly to her hair, tugging at it. “Oh my god. Are you listening to yourself?! At least before, you didn’t jump to his defense. You knew what kind of person he was.”

“Was, yes.”

“What are you going to do when you drop the D-bomb, huh? How do you think he’ll take it after all this?”

Dawson has always worn his heart on his sleeve, his emotions out there for everyone to see. Evidently, it’s still true, because one look at him and Olivia’s furious expression is replaced by one of horror.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Don’t fucking tell me…” She starts pacing, shaking her head as though that could get rid of the thought that’s just planted itself in there. Her back is to Dawson when she speaks next. “You were never going to do it, were you?”

Dawson’s gaze steers to Cal’s cactus dick painting, reminding him how Cal grew flustered at Dawson’s teasing. How he protected him from the guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. How, when they got home, Cal pressed him against the wall and kissed him until nothing existed but the two of them. And Donut.

“I was. But things have changed.Hehaschanged. And I’ve changed with him.”

Slowly, Olivia turns. The fight has drained out of her. She just looks resigned now. Resigned and devastated. “You love him.”

The words strike like lightning, stealing Dawson’s voice.

There’s nothing to say anyway. Olivia didn’t ask a question, and Dawson can’t even deny it.

Because it’s true.

“I love him,” he repeats, more for his own benefit. It’s the first time he’s said the words out loud, though not the first he’s thought them. They scare him to death, but he can’t bring himself to take them back. “I love him,” he says again, just to see how they taste. He imagines what it would be like saying them to Cal. Would Cal say them back?

“I thought you were going to therapy,” Olivia says, voice heavy with disappointment.

“I am. It’s put a lot of things into perspective. Helped me make some decisions.” His stomach clenches when he notices a single tear sliding down Olivia’s cheek. “Liv…”

“Don’t,” she sobs out, rubbing at her eyes. “Fuck. I knew it. I knew I should’ve come here after it all went down. I should’ve taken you away from him.”

“Take me away?” he says incredulously. He’s not a thing to be taken. “Like Cal took me from you?”

It’s Olivia’s turn to recoil, hurt clear in her gaze. She stalks towards Dawson, pushing at his chest, not very hard, but enough to make him stumble back. Then she stabs his chest with her finger. “Don’t you dare fucking compare us. Everything I’ve ever done was for you.”

Trying to remember everything he’s been working on with Ash, he takes a steadying breath, willing himself not to lash out and say things he would regret later.

“I know. But I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself. Everything you see here? That’s because of him.” He spreads his arms, letting them fall back against his sides. “I can’t tell you how it happened. It took me a long time to stop expecting the other shoe to drop. Then I realized I just…need to let the past go. If I want a future, I need to let it go.”

“And you want a future withhim?” she asks in that same incredulous tone.

“I do.” He really does. He wants everything with Cal. All the things he’s never done, and all the things he has but that felt wrong. He’s done hiding from the past, but no one said he can’t try and rewrite the future. Like…a second edition. Cal would like that metaphor, he’s sure.

“I don’t want you to be another statistic, Dee,” she whispers, her eyes red-rimmed. “Before, you at least knew that what he was doing was wrong, but now?” She shakes her head. “You actually trust him, don’t you?”

“I do. And…” He laughs, barely believing it himself. “He makes me feel safe. He makes me happy. Really, truly happy.” Another laugh he can’t suppress. “We got a dog, Liv.”

Olivia’s face softens for a split second. “The girls would go crazy for him.” Then the stern mask is back. “I’d ask you if you really are happy, but I can see it in your eyes. And that scares the shit out of me.” She sighs, pulling her shoulders back. “If he so much as touches a hair on your head, there’s nowhere in the world where he will be able to hide from me. And I’ll make him regret the day his mother pushed him out of her vagina.”