Page 129 of Should the Sky Fall

“Does it bother you because they might be right?”

Dawson closes his eyes, fighting the bout of nausea he feels building up. “It bothers me because I know they’re right, but I don’t care because I’m happy. I mean, I do care, just…not enough, I guess. I probably should.” He looks at Ash for help. “Right?”

Ash, of course, doesn’t answer that. “Do you feel unsafe around Cal? When it’s just the two of you?”

“He’s not exactly in a position to do anything to me.” Yesterday, Cal was so sore after implementing a few new exercises that he didn’t even feel like going for a walk.

“I didn’t mean just physically unsafe.”

Startled by the question, Dawson takes a moment to carefully ponder it. “At first, yeah,” he admits. “The doctors kept talking about the aftermath of memory loss, the mood swings, anxiety, aggression. Cal was difficult to be around as it was, so I braced myself for the worst but…it never happened.”

Something occurs to him right then, causing his heart rate to go haywire. His epiphany must manifest on his face because Ash gives him a curious look and asks, “What is it?”

He considers lying. He’s admitted plenty of embarrassing, stupid things to Ash, but this can’t even compare. It’s one thing to admit he likes Cal, actually likes to be around him, but this…

“Can I tell you something really messed up?” he asks in a quiet voice.

Ash, in his true fashion, lights up like a fucking Christmas tree, grinning devilishly. “Oh, please do.”

Dawson knows what Ash is doing, trying to make him loosen up. It actually works, startling a laugh out of Dawson and helping him lose some of the tension. It doesn’t make confessing the truth much easier, but at least he doesn’t feel so judged.

“He makes me feel safe. I don’t remember ever feeling safe before. Not just with him, with anyone. Ever. My sister, my best friend, and before that my parents… They all expected me to act a certain way, to make certain decisions, and if I didn’t, they were disappointed and, boy, would they let me have it.”

Ash nods. He probably guessed as much from the long conversations they’d had about Dawson’s childhood and his marriage. “And what does Cal expect?”

“He doesn’t expect anything. Not a single thing. I didn’t even know what kind of person I could be until…”

“Until people stopped telling you who to be?”

“Yes. That.”

“So who are you?”

Someone who has no idea what he’s doing.“I’m still figuring that out.”

Ash’s smile is understanding. “Are you Cal’s husband?”

There are certain emotions and feelings he associates with the title, things like obligation, compromise, expectation. They don’t quite fit now.

“Honestly? It feels like we’re…dating. Very badly, may I say.” Things between them are definitely awkward. Kind of like dating your highschool crush. Not that Dawson has any experience with that, but he assumes that’s what it’s like.

“Can you imagine a life with him?” Ash asks, his voice uncharacteristically gentle, like he’s afraid he might spook Dawson. Oh, Dawson is spooked alright.

“I’ve already had a life with him for six years,” he retorts, knowing that’s not what Ash is asking.

“That was before, though. Can you imagine a life with him where the past doesn’t keep haunting you?”

“I…haven’t thought it through in the long term.” He’s tried, and it always scared him enough to shove all those thoughts in a box and shut the lid. “But, I mean…we already live together, do pretty much everything together, so…”

Ash taps his fingers against his thigh, watching Dawson intently. Whatever he’s thinking, Dawson isn’t going to like it.

“There’s something I’d like to talk about, and I noticed you didn’t mention it the last time we talked about what Cal used to be like.”

Apprehension settles heavily in Dawson’s gut, but he knows that if he doesn’t answer, Ash will keep going back to it until Dawson cracks. Better to get it over with.

“Do your worst.”

Ash looks almost proud. “Would you like me to be blunt or sugarcoat it?”