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“Mmm.”

With precision, my hand landed on the top of the clock to silence the alarm. My eyelids sagged with exhaustion. My lips curled upward with excitement. I brought my knees closer to my chest and submerged myself in the darkness of the covers.

Solitude.

Gratitude.

Elation.

Exhaustion.

Apprehension.

Anticipation .

I was feeling a plethora of things at once.

The mixed emotions kept my body planted and my thoughts wondering.

White noises that serenaded me during rest hours added to the displacement, temporarily crippling me.

The plush new mattress and finely threaded sheets held onto my frame, making my departure a bit more conflicting than I’d anticipated.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

My vibrating cell alerted me of an incoming call. Its location was quickly identified by the intensity of its movement. The device ran the length of my fingers. I swiped across the screen, uninterested in confirming the identity of the caller.

My heart knew who was calling.

My head knew who was calling.

My logic knew who was calling .

“ Teddy ,” I yawned, finding the strength to push the covers from my body and toss my feet over the edge of the bed.

“Up and on your feet, baby.”

“I am,” I confessed, standing up straight. “I am.”

“Good.”

Silence coated the line as my heart flipped in my chest a hundred times.

I miss you. Already.

So much.

I had so much to tell him. I had so much I needed to tell him. But, I didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. This was our fresh start. Mine. His. Roulette. Roaman. Royce. Rather. Range. Rugger. Us all.

I shook my head as I approached the full-length mirror in my bedroom. The tear that managed to escape my eye, I caught with my shoulder. It soaked the sleeve of my silk pajama top.

A sigh fell from Chemistry’s lips.

Oh, how I miss you .

Dearly.

Tenderly.

Achingly.

He felt it, too.

“Talk to me, baby.”

“It’s not– It doesn’t matter. I’m awake. Thank you for the wake up c–”

“Rome,” he breathed slowly, “That wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order.”

Though his voice was soft, his words were potent. So was his pain.

“Bab–” he began again.

“Your absence is so heavy.” I exhaled, unable to keep my tears at bay.

One.

Then two.

Three.

Four.

Before I was able to gain control of my emotions, my cheeks were drenched in my sorrows. I wasn’t one to mask my feelings. I wasn’t taught to. I wasn’t encouraged to. I was the heart of our family. Everyone understood it. Understood me. And, they never allowed me to be anything other than that.

I felt.

I felt deeply.

I felt everything .

And, right now, I felt like a child who’d been pulled from their father’s arms prematurely. Though I was a staggering twenty-four years of age, I was no fool.

My license said I was an adult, but I hadn’t reached the level of maturity that fooled me into believing I didn’t need the people who made my life better. Easier. Calmer. To be frank, I wasn’t in a rush to get there either.

“Do you need me, Rome?”

I nodded slowly.

Always .

“Baby– Do you need me?”

“No,” I responded. “I’m fine, Teddy.”

“Then what’s the matter?”

“I’m just adjusting,” I admitted, “I’m adjusting. Still adjusting.”

“Come back. Come back for a week. Maybe it wi–”

“I can’t keep running back every time my heart hurts. It’ll never grow strong enough to withstand the world without you or mom.”

“I pray that it never has to.”

“Ted–”

“You’re not taking on the world alone, baby. I’m here. I’ll always be here. Just a little further away. Though it feels like the end of the world for us both, it’s not. You have to be– You need to be in Clarke. You have dreams, Rome.

“You were born to be great. I won’t let my shit suppress your nature. You are bigger than this. Bigger than all of this. You’re my superstar. I need you to shine, and know that I can see your light from wherever I am. Okay?”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“Now, go ahead. Get your day started. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Did you give them the morning off as I requested?”

“I love you, baby.”

“Te–”

The line died.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

I silenced the vibration in my hand with a push of the button on the side of my phone. My capacity had been reached. My heart was in knots. And, any more turmoil would annihilate me.

I can’t, Mother .

It pained me to ignore the call from Rhea, but my day depended on it. Progress was paramount. I wouldn’t make any if her voice swept across the line.

My feet moved quicker than my thoughts. I made my way toward the dressing area of my bedroom and peeled my shorts down my legs. My top was next. Slowly, it slid upward and then fell to the floor quietly like the feathers of a wounded bird.

Naked, like the day I’d entered the world, I uncapped the antiperspirant and rubbed it underneath my arms. I placed it on the shelf after I’d coated my skin fairly, and swiftly followed with the body balm that had become my saving grace.

I swiped underneath each breast, across my bare, lasered mound, and in the creases where my treasure met my thighs.

There . I thought, placing the cap back on the tube.

Seamless, buttery soft panties covered my most prized possession. The chill of the fabric made fine bumps thicken the skin on my arms. The brown leggings slid up my frame with ease. They rested against my midsection, leaving little room for bloat or growth, yet they promoted unrestricted movement.

Brwn&Bodied.

They’d become my favorite brand of athletic gear from the moment I put my feet on the pavement in a pair of their Max Movement leggings. The cinch was incredible. The forgiveness was unforgettable.

The matching sports bra settled over my breasts.

A cropped crew neck with a deep, plunging zipper and elongated neckline fell on top of it so effortlessly.

I pushed my feet forward as I pulled the free pair of socks up to my ankles.

The total of my last order rewarded me with cash benefits I’d used to my advantage.

Upon entering the bathroom, lights illuminated the space. Heated floors greeted me with warmth. My shoulders lowered slowly at the realization I hadn’t been as clueless as I’d believed while creating the schedule for the technical details of my new home. Though complicated, they were necessary.

Naturally, my feet stiffened, curving into an arch. On my tip toes, I glided toward the sink. Warm water cascaded down the marble, disappearing into the drain as quickly as it had come out of the faucet. I slathered toothpaste on my brush as I marveled at my reflection in the mirror.

“Raegan–” I paused, waiting for the computer with access to many of my spaces to speak up.

“Good morning, Rome. The weather is nice today. There is plenty of sunshine with a high of seventy-five. Winds are light. Is there anything I can do for you this morning?”

“Yes.”

“What can I help you with?”

“Shuffle Cleo Sol.”

“Shuffling Cleo Sol.”

“Raegan,” I called out, again.

“Yes, Rome?”

“Integrate a little SZA. The slow songs. And Sade.”

“Mixing Cleo Sol, slow songs by SZA, and Sade.”

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure,” she responded just before the sound of Cleo Sol’s voice surrounded me.

Minty toothpaste cleansed the crevices of my mouth. Mouthwash of the same flavor cleared whatever was left behind. A cold, damp towel covered my skin.

Hhhhhaaaa . I breathed outward.

Closing my eyes, I regained control of my emotions.

They’re mine. In every lifetime .

I reminded myself that, although the cards hadn’t exactly fallen in my favor in this one, there were a hundred other lifetimes to get it right. A hundred other lifetimes where they were still mine. A hundred lifetimes I had to commune with and love on my siblings and our parents.

I removed the cloth from my face, wiped my hands, and pressed it into the small flaps that made a full circle on the counter that led to the laundry basket downstairs. I used an exfoliating cotton round to apply toner to my skin and followed up with serum.

Once it was patted into my skin well enough, I laid dime-sized dots of moisturizer on my forehead, cheeks, and chin. With sealed eyelids, I massaged the thick cream across my plumpness.

I finished my morning routine with little time to spare. Deciding to tidy, I made my bed and reduced any traces of my presence in my private headquarters.

And, I’m off.

The loosened laces of my sneakers stopped me just as I touched the handle of my front door.

I pushed the second earbud in my ear and lifted my left leg until the ribbon and pearl laces I’d replaced the original laces with met my eyes.

My water bottle settled on the entryway console table, remaining upright when I released it from my grasp.

I secured every piece of fabric dangling from my shoes before planting my feet on the floor again. A smile spread to my lips, showcasing the results of my astronomical dental bill.

I’m literally just a girl . I thought as a soft chuckle escaped me.

The words on the water bottle I’d been gifted by Range had never been truer.

My laces were evidence. Though beautiful, they weren’t exactly practical and would possibly need to be tightened ten times before I slipped my shoes off.

However, practicality wasn’t exactly my logic. Pretty was. Always had been.

The mirror above my console table halted my steps. My skin was glowing. Hydration was key to my routine and I hadn’t disappointed this morning. I used my hands to warn my flyaways to stay in place. I needed the low bun to remain intact for the next eight hours.

“Raegan, lock the door in twenty seconds,” I called out.

“Your door will be locked in– twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen–”

With my water bottle in-hand, I stepped out of my front door. Darkness coated the sky. The dewiness of April greeted me graciously.

Good morning, Clarke .