Page 48 of Retrograde

Brett was stressed. He’d stayed up nearly all night on the racing simulator, refusing to go to bed when Julien had come in at two a.m. and tried to convince him.

He needed a therapy session, so he had woken up and immediately contacted his therapist, who had booked him in before Rosa could even get breakfast on the table.

He was starting to love therapy, starting to love the man he was becoming. But what he hadn’t told his therapist was the fact he was sleeping with his best friend. Correction: he was making love to his best friend. Because he was in love with her.

‘So why do you think you might have kept that a secret? We’re honest and open with each other, right?’ his therapist, Liz, asked.

‘I wasn’t ready to talk about it,’ he admitted. ‘Not only that, but I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was falling for someone I can’t have.’

‘And why can’t you have her? Who says you can’t?’

‘Well… nobody, really. Just common sense. History.’

‘History?’ Liz quizzed, but her facial expression remained neutral.

‘My history. I sleep with women like it’s a hobby. Lucie doesn’t want a guy like that. She’s been with guys like that in the past and they’ve only ever hurt her.’

‘Are you still that guy, though? Because having had the pleasure of getting to know you over the last couple of months, I think you have evolved into someone very different. And who’s to say you’re going to hurt her?’

‘Again… history.’ He rubbed his eyes, wishing he’d saved this for later in the day.

‘But that’s just it, Brett. It’s history. It’s not the present, and it doesn’t have to be the future. You’ve been hurt, too. Do you think Lucie is anything like Sienna?’

‘No way.’ He shook his head.

‘Exactly. So I think you’ve got to give yourself a bit more credit here.

The two of you have a very special relationship, and if you’ve crossed that boundary multiple times then I think it’s safe to say there could be more to it.

There’s no harm in just having the conversation with her.

If you’re as close as you say, even if she doesn’t feel the same way about you, things will likely go back to the way they were before with time, if not immediately.

Either way, at least you’ll have told your truth. ’

‘I guess it’s just a case of working up the courage.’ He tried to push down the fear, but ultimately he knew Liz was right. It was time to talk to Lucie.

‘I want you to do something for me. I want you to write letters to your dad, Sienna and Lucie. If you wanted to, you could even read your letter to Lucie aloud. But afterwards, I want you to burn them. Get out everything you need to say, the hurt, anger, guilt and grief. Then let it all go. Can you do that?’

‘I’m going to go and do it right now before everyone wakes up,’ he nodded with a hint of enthusiasm. This was good for him. It was a necessary step.

He shut his laptop down and hunted for a pen and paper, ready to pour his heart out to the two people who had broken him, and the one who had put him back together again.

He had been giving his past so much power over him, over every decision he made.

He’d used it as an excuse time and time again.

There had been no personal growth for years, he had just let things pile up until he had become a person he couldn’t stand.

This summer, this trip, had changed him.

He was ready for his next chapter, and as his pain flowed out onto the page, he could feel a weight lifting from his shoulders.

He sat there for two hours, bypassing breakfast and his morning workout, and by the time he finally put down the pen, he’d made a decision. It was time.

‘Sunny?’ He found Lucie down by the wild horses, feeding them apples from Rosa’s garden. She looked radiant in the mid-morning sun, wearing a lime-green dress, her hair in a claw clip and a soft smile on her face as one of the horses nuzzled her hand.

‘Oh, morning!’ She turned to look at him. ‘You’re finally awake.’

‘I’ve been awake for hours. I did a therapy session.’ He shoved his hands in his pockets.

‘How did it go?’ She tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear, now only half-paying attention to the horse. ‘Productive?’

‘You could say that.’

‘I’m really proud of you, Anderson. I mean it.’

‘That means the world coming from you, Luce.’

‘You want to do something fun today? Go on an adventure somewhere?’

‘I, uh… maybe,’ he stuttered. ‘You might not want to.’

‘Are you okay?’ she frowned, and the reality of what he was about to do dawned on him.

‘I love you, Sunny.’

‘I know you do. You tell me all the time. And I love you too, Anderson.’ She still looked confused, and it pained him more that she wasn’t getting it.

‘No, Sunny. I’m in love with you. I have been in love with you for years now, I was just too blind to realise it and then too scared to tell you.’

‘Shit.’ She let out a shaky breath and he instantly felt ten times more nauseous than he had since he’d started walking down the hill towards her.

‘Right, uh, not the reaction I expected.’ He tried to laugh it off.

‘Sorry, I just… um, I don’t really know what to say. You’ve not exactly exhibited the behaviour of a guy who’s in love. What with all the other women and such. And going back to Sienna that time. I’m not sure you actually feel the way you think you do, Brett.’

‘Okay. So, that’s it then? Cool. Um, I’m gonna get out of your hair.’

‘Anderson, please. I didn’t mean…’

‘No, it’s fine, Luce. I’ve done this to myself.’

Brett didn’t have it in him to argue. He didn’t have it in him to fight. He’d spent all summer fighting his feelings, his past, his mental health. The fight for Lucie was over. She didn’t want him, and he wasn’t going to beg her to see him in a different light.

He was already packing his suitcase by the time she reached his bedroom.

Their bedroom. The space they’d shared since they’d arrived, her things tossed everywhere.

Her bracelet was on his dresser, her sports bra flung over the back of the chair, her hairbrush in his bathroom.

Their lives were integrated too deeply, and it was about time he drew a line down the middle.

Lucie had made her choice. It was never going to be him.

‘Brett?’ She stood in the doorway trembling. Fuck . He wished he didn’t love her so much. So deeply, in so many ways.

He went to her, closing the distance and wrapping her up in a hug so tight it was almost a guarantee that it would be their last. At least for a while. Until they’d had some space and learned to live without each other. ‘I need to go back to Sydney.’

‘What?!’ She pulled back. ‘Please, don’t go.’

‘Lucie, we need to put some distance between us.’

‘I don’t understand where this is coming from,’ she sniffled. ‘This whole thing between us was just you using me, wasn’t it?’

‘Lucie, I never needed you. Not like this. I wanted you. That’s why I crossed the line, why I risked it all. You’re my best friend, Sunny. It was about you .’

‘So, you weren’t using my body as a form of therapy?’ She looked up at him with her doe eyes and his heart broke into a million little pieces. How could he let her think that? He was fucked. His reputation was fucked.

‘No, Sunny. Absolutely not. Fuck, you’re the last person who should be helping me.

The guilt of what I’ve put you through has been eating me alive.

You know how hard it is to realise I’ve hit rock bottom in front of the girl I’ve been in love with for ten years?

I’ve lost your trust, whether you can admit that to me or not, and I know that despite how much you want to, you’ll never see me as someone you can love with your whole heart. I’ve ruined it, Luce.’

‘No, you haven’t, this is all my fault, Brett, please,’ she pleaded.

‘You and I are never going to get any further than this weird limbo we’ve been in the whole summer. I’ve got to move on and remember how to be Brett without Lucie.’

‘But there’s no me without you , Brett.’

‘That’s the whole problem, Sunny. I don’t want to go, but I have to. For me, for you, for us.’ He watched as her face crumpled.

There was no hiding from it. She wasn’t ready to acknowledge the shift in their relationship. She couldn’t trust that Brett could keep himself on track and be hers and only hers.

He threw a last couple of things into his case, not caring if he left anything behind. He just needed to get out of here and get on a plane, no matter how much his heart was telling him to stay here with her.

‘Brett, you can’t do this. We need to figure this out,’ she sobbed. ‘What about work?’

He took a deep breath, gripping the handle of his suitcase roughly. He didn’t want to say the next sentence, but he meant it. With every fibre of his being, he knew this was the truth. ‘If moving on from this means driving for a different championship, then so be it.’