Page 15 of Retrograde

Six hours into his flight home, Brett was trying and failing to fall asleep.

He’d got to the airport, demolished his BLT, boarded the plane, listened to some bullshit podcast about sobriety and meditation until he’d heard enough to put his own playlist on, completely unintentionally sung some old-school Justin Bieber out loud, then grabbed the pillow he had swiped from the hotel and leaned up against the window.

It must have had duck feathers or something in it, because it was like having a portable cloud. But he couldn’t switch his brain off.

He needed rest. He was emotionally exhausted, and he was scared.

Scared of his own brain, of being unable to save himself, of letting people down.

Brett was the oldest of his siblings and he had to play the role of protector, he was the man of the house after his father’s passing, he couldn’t let them down.

He didn’t get to where he was in his career by letting fear win, but he’d bottled up his emotions for too long and now Lucie and their friends were the ones having to pick up the pieces.

Brett couldn’t deny it any more, he needed help. This wasn’t something that some R it had prevented Jules from letting Faith in at first, and it was more damaging than any driver realised.

Trusting anyone was a risk. Lucie had been there the day Brett discovered his ex, Sienna, had cheated on him.

If you couldn’t trust the person you had chosen to spend forever with, who you had given your heart to, who could you trust?

Lucie had seen what that had done to Brett, how his walls firmly came back up.

Brett was as fun as he always was, but ever since Sienna, he had let that fun take over.

He was known to have a woman in every city, never one to settle down, not willing to commit, and it was only since the Alps that he’d toned it down.

When they had finally given in to whatever it was that was simmering between them in the Alps, Brett knew that no other woman could reach him like Lucie could.

Having her in his arms and tangled up in his sheets just for one night had opened up a whole new world for him.

It was like someone had flipped a switch, and suddenly all he wanted was her.

But Lucie had made it clear in the months that followed, he just wasn’t enough for her.

Brett knew that he couldn’t give her everything she deserved, she needed stability and safety. Someone who had their shit together and thought about the future. He lived a life with zero responsibility off the track, and Brett didn’t know how to change that.

He caved and connected his phone to the plane’s wifi. Lucie had gone to meet the rest of the group for lunch before flying back to the UK, and he had done a runner, too embarrassed to face them after the way he’d behaved this week. Julien and Marco had texted him, but he had ignored them.

He messaged Lucie a sleepy emoji.

She replied immediately. She must be waiting to board by now. Tired, bud?

Bud? He scowled.

You don’t like that one?

Don’t ever call me that again.

Why not?

It’s insulting , he typed, wishing he could tell her the real reason he didn’t want her to call him bud .

He wanted to tell her they were more than just buddies . He wanted to tell her that there was more to their relationship, there had been since they’d slept together. But what good would it do? She had been deflecting his advances ever since.

Okay, okay. Won’t happen again. She sent a winking face, but he wasn’t done.

Bud is what I call Mars and Jules.

Are they not also your best friends?

Yeah, but you’re, you know… He couldn’t believe he was about to send this over text. If any of their friends looked over her shoulder, he’d never hear the end of it.

I’m what? Lucie quizzed.

You have boobs.

What?

I’m just saying that I’ve literally been inside you and we’ve crossed lines, so I can’t consider you just a friend. Anyway, this is weird.

So, I’m not allowed to call you sweetheart or bud?

You can call me sweetheart. I just told you not to the other night because when I’m drunk it does things to me. Things that you don’t want from me.

I guess from this day forward we won’t have that problem.

She skirted over what he was trying to pull out of her, but he wasn’t going to give up easily, he knew there was something here.

Oh, we’ll still have that problem, Luce.

There was a truth in that statement that Brett had never expressed while sober.

There had been plenty of moments when they could have crossed the line with no alcohol in their system, could have thrown caution to the wind and explored their attraction without the haze of toxicity clouding their judgement.

He just thanked the heavens she always put a stop to it before one of them regretted it.

‘I’m a bit miffed he didn’t say goodbye.’ Faith was huffing and puffing her way around the office, stocking the staffroom with teabags and pods for the new coffee machine.

‘He was just worried what you’d all think of him.’

‘Seriously? We’re all proud of him! I think it’s incredibly brave of him to do what he’s doing, to take a temporary step back from racing. He must really be going through it.’

‘I really hope he’s okay.’ Lucie trailed after her with a mug in each hand.

‘What did you say to his mum in the end?’ Faith asked, reminding Lucie that she had an unread message from Maggie. She was concerned. Brett had been cagey about why he was home earlier than planned, but Lucie didn’t know how to respond.

‘Nothing. I’ll just reply later, tell her I’ve been busy all day. Suggest she speaks to her son as it’s not my place. Then he can decide how much or how little to tell her.’

‘Good idea,’ Faith nodded. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Not really, but I can’t do much about it.’

‘We can fly out there, if you want? Jules will loan us the money.’

‘No, no. I don’t want to smother him. I need to respect that he asked for space.’ She knew this was the right decision but she couldn’t deny she’d thought about getting on a plane at least three times an hour since he’d landed.

‘I don’t think you would be, but I hear you.’

‘I’m just emotional, and I know it’s not going to be easy for him.’

‘Brett’s a tough cookie, Luce. He’ll be okay. Plus, he knows he’s got all of us to help keep him on the right path when he’s back.’

‘That sort of makes it sound like he’s in prison.’

‘I don’t think they’d let him keep that pillow he stole if he was in prison.’

‘The bloody pillow. Honestly, who does that?’

Faith snorted, ‘Rich people.’

‘Says the girl who is married to one.’

‘Jules isn’t that crazy.’

‘Yeah, right . The man spent all those euros to win you a stuffed shark at the funfair.’

‘That was in the name of love. So, that’s fine.’

‘How is your beloved Mustang?’

‘Jasmine stole him. He’s back in Hawaii with her.’ Faith pretended to be sad about it, but realistically she’d probably willingly given him to her stepdaughter so she wouldn’t feel obligated to keep dragging a giant stuffed shark around the world with her.

‘I know this is probably inappropriate, all things considered, but can we go to a fancy bar and get very, very drunk.’

‘Oh, one hundred per cent. And it isn’t inappropriate at all. Brett is the one with a drinking problem, not you. You’re still entitled to let your hair down, Luce.’ She nudged Lucie’s hip in encouragement.

‘Okay, thank you. Look, I’m going to head back to the hotel. I’ve given myself a headache and I think I need to sleep it off and just shut my brain down for a bit.’

‘All right, I’m just going to finish up here then I’ll be back. God, I wish I still had my flat! Love you, Carolan.’

‘Love you, Jensen.’ Lucie offered a weary smile and headed out to the nearest tube station.

As she stood behind the yellow line amongst a sea of office workers desperate to get home, she wondered what Brett was doing right now.

Lucie wanted to know he had the support he needed back home, but she’d promised not to say anything, so for now, she should rely on Brett telling her the truth about how he was feeling.

Something about lying to Maggie Anderson felt very wrong.

She treated Lucie like her own daughter, and Lucie had never lied to her.

If she told his mum and sisters what was really going on, beat him to it, yes, they would be worried, but at least both Brett and Lucie could lean on them for support throughout this journey.

She realised how ridiculous that sounded, even in her own head. She and Brett weren’t together. They never had been. Lucie shouldn’t be leaning on his family; she should be leaning on her own. Damn it . She had to tell Maggie the truth.