Page 47 of Retrograde

Brett stood on the driveway, waving goodbye to Jasper, who had sent for a chauffeur to collect him from the farm and take him to the airport.

Brett didn’t know how he did it. The bloke was constantly travelling around the globe between races for meetings with sponsors, investors and Revolution Racing’s team owners.

At least when he wasn’t travelling for a race, Brett was a free agent. Jasper never stopped.

He was on his way to Hong Kong right now, chartering the team’s private jet to secure a new sponsor for the upcoming season. It was part of his grand plan to be able to run a second car. A plan nobody was supposed to know about yet, but Jasper had let it slip last night.

Julien hadn’t been ready to go back to Belgium yet, despite Faith and Jasmine being there with Ford. He wanted to spend more time with Brett. They had a busy day ahead before they let themselves back into the office to play with their new toy.

‘Are you off somewhere, Luce?’ Julien helped Lucie wheel a bicycle out of the barn while Brett watched on.

‘Yeah, I just want to go down to the market and get some fruit and veggies, do a bit of shopping.’ She smiled appreciatively as he let her take the bike handle, then stretched up to hug Julien.

Should Brett hug her too? He mentally scolded himself for having such a ridiculous thought.

It would be weirder if he didn’t scoop her up into his arms and squeeze her tight.

He wrapped his arms around her. ‘Have a good morning, Sunny.’ His voice sounded weird. Strained. He hoped he was the only one who noticed.

He was starting to fear they shouldn’t have crossed the line. They weren’t going to stay in this Tuscany bubble forever, and when they left it, they would go back to their old lives. But what if something changed? What if Brett changed?

‘Don’t cause too much havoc. And don’t let my dad use the heaviest weights during his workout. He can’t handle it,’ she warned.

Mateo had joined Brett on one morning run last week and ended up sitting in the middle of a field, unable to run any further.

They’d stayed there for half an hour while Mateo caught his breath and worked up the energy to walk back at a snail’s pace.

He was naturally lean, and he ate well. He also didn’t have a racing car to drive, or intense g-force to contend with. He didn’t need to work out every day.

‘I am the king of chaos, Sunny,’ Brett shrugged. ‘But I’ll try to behave.’

Julien snorted. ‘King of chaos? Sounds like something a character from one of my wife’s romance novels would say.’ He laughed as they waved Lucie off.

‘You know you don’t have to say “my wife” every time you talk about her, right? Your wife is Faith. We work together. She’s our best friend. We know who she is, ya doughnut.’

‘I like saying it.’ Julien scowled at him playfully.

‘You’ve been married a while now, Jules.’

‘It doesn’t get old, Anderson. I would say you’ll find out for yourself one day, but you’ll be on your deathbed before you get the balls to propose to Luce.’

‘What?’ Brett snapped, Julien’s comment igniting something inside him about a future with Lucie, one he wasn’t sure would ever be his.

‘What’s going on, mate? Because that exchange just now was a bit on the tense side. I’ve never seen you awkward around Lucie. Not once in ten years.’

‘I’m not too sure. It just is what it is.

No label, no conversation.’ Brett swallowed roughly, looking around in a desperate attempt to find something else to talk about.

‘Let’s go sort that barn roof out, eh? Should be done mid-afternoon, then you can help me cook dinner for Rosa and Mateo. I’m doing paella.’

Brett and Julien sat on the roof two hours later, each drinking a bottle of water at an alarming speed. It was boiling out there, and although he was Australian and he was used to the heat, he didn’t spend any time outside doing manual labour. This was hell.

They’d refused to let Mateo help, because it didn’t seem fair to expect a guy in his sixties to climb ladders and fix a dodgy roof when there were two more than capable athletes here to help him out.

Instead, he was sunbathing by the pool with fresh homemade lemonade and a fruit platter while Rosa lay next to him, sipping her iced tea and reading a crime thriller Brett had recommended to her.

‘Do you still miss your dad?’ Brett blurted out and instantly regretted it. Now Julien was going to want to talk about Jack, when Brett had simply wanted an answer to a question that had been on his mind for weeks.

‘All the time. And Kailani.’ He referred to his late wife. ‘But I know they’re here with me in every decision I make, everything I accomplish. I’m not religious at all, I just find that believing in that idea makes it easier to cope with the loss.’

Brett sipped the remainder of his water, contemplating, the sun beating down on his face, causing him to squint as he looked up at the blue, cloudless sky. ‘Yeah, it’s a nice idea, isn’t it? That they never really left us.’

‘Well, the people we love are a huge part of who we are. They shape us and help us grow when they’re here physically, so why can’t they do the same when they’re gone?’ Julien shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘I’m lucky to have Mateo, I think,’ Brett muttered. ‘I got pretty upset a few weeks back that I was replacing Dad with him, but spending time with him one-on-one I’ve just come to appreciate him in such a different light.’

‘You know what I appreciate about Mr Carolan? His killer classic car collection.’ Julien gestured out over the courtyard, where a few of the cars were parked, sunlight gleaming off the paintwork. ‘I’m definitely having a proper collection of my own when I retire.’

‘It’s impressive, I’ll give him that.’

‘I thought about getting Jasmine a classic for when she starts driving, but then I think I should be a sensible parent and get her something super safe. Like a Ford. The car is just as reliable as her pet husky.’

‘Moretz, come on, mate. The kid’s dad is a racing driver. She’d never forgive you if you didn’t get her something kind of cool. At least get her a G-Wagon or a new Jeep. Isn’t that what all the kids on Oahu are driving?’

He scoffed. ‘The rich kids, yeah.’

‘And she is …’

‘Raised to be very down to Earth. She already gets to fly all over the world to attend races, I don’t want to push it too far.’

‘She also doesn’t ask for anything. Ever. I told her to text me a Christmas list last year and she asked me to donate to an animal shelter on Maui. She’s a good kid, Jules. One expensive gift isn’t going to turn her into a spoiled brat.’

‘When are you going to tell Luce you’re in love with her?’ Julien fired back. He hated it when Brett had valid points, especially when it came to Jasmine. His standard response was to call the other person out. But this time, Brett stared at him like he’d lost his mind.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Brett’s cheeks flushed and he, unfortunately for his dignity, couldn’t blame it on the scorching temperature.

‘I don’t understand it, Anderson.’

Brett finished up his bottle of water and started climbing down the ladder. If Julien didn’t stop talking, he might push him off the roof. ‘I still don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Julien followed him down. ‘It’s been over two years and I still don’t know how it took me months to come to my senses with Faith. One look and I was a goner. You and Lucie are going on ten years of stolen glances and chemistry, and now you’re sleeping together, and you still won’t admit it.’

It felt like the world was closing in on him.

Thinking back to his first private interaction with Lucie, on the steps outside his trailer, mid-anxiety attack, Brett came to the hideous conclusion that his teammate might have hit the nail on the head.

Unleashed years’ worth of pent-up emotion with one sentence.

Maybe it wasn’t one look that did it for him. But he couldn’t deny that when she’d sat down next to him and pressed play on that song, he’d felt something wash over him. A sense of comfort, belonging. Perhaps, all this time, it had been something else.

Brett hadn’t been in love with Sienna. He’d been in love with the idea of her. With Lucie, there was no hidden part of her. He knew her as well as he knew himself, and he wouldn’t change one single thing about her. She was perfect as she was. Now and back then.

It was just Brett who was flawed. Brett who had built himself a reputation.

Brett who had scarred her with his own troubles, who had been relying on her to pick up the pieces and put him back together again.

He hadn’t treated her right. He’d been selfish and demanding, he took too much from her without knowing what she needed him to give back.

What if his own demons brought Lucie down with him?

He didn’t need to do that to his ray of sunshine, she didn’t deserve the constant worry that was attached to him.

‘I’m screwed,’ Brett breathed out.

Julien rolled his eyes. ‘Of course you’re not.’ He sat down next to Brett on the dusty ground, neither of them caring about the state their clothes would be in. ‘Can I give you some advice, Anderson?’

‘Whether I want your advice or not, it never seems to stop you.’ Brett tried to laugh so it didn’t come out as blunt, but he couldn’t manage it.

‘I know I don’t really talk about Kailani any more, but I’m going to because you need to hear it.

I wish I’d told her I loved her more often.

I was so focused on my career, on getting into the IEC and securing a drive, that I let our relationship take a back seat.

We weren’t in a good place when she passed, and I regret it every day.

I loved her fiercely, and I felt it in every fibre of my being, I just didn’t express it.

I often wonder if she spent her final days thinking that I didn’t love her, because honestly, I don’t think I said it aloud once in the six months before she passed.

’ Julien shifted uncomfortably, hating emotional talks as much as Brett did.

‘I’m a strong believer in saying how you feel.

Faith had to really force that side of me to come out, but it did.

I can get behind the wheel every race safe in the knowledge that if something were to happen, my wife and daughter know I love them. ’

‘Okay, but Sunny and I aren’t in a relationship.’ Brett played with his shoelace, like a child being told off. Julien was in dad mode again.

‘You even call her Sunny. You have a nickname for her nobody else uses.’ Julien laughed at his na?vety.

‘Whether you like it or not, from the moment you crossed the line on that hiking trip, things shifted and you two went to a point of no return. Your friendship became more, you were acknowledging that there’s something between you.

De Luca and I sure as hell never felt that kind of connection with her. ’

‘Well, no, that’s because Marco is scared of women.’ Brett breathed a laugh at their teammate’s misfortune. ‘But I don’t know if Lucie will ever trust that I won’t hurt her. I’ve always done what I want, when I want.’

‘There is always a period of change and learning when you enter into a relationship, though. It took Faith and me a while to adapt to each other’s lifestyles. What exactly will change between you if you tell her how you feel?’ Julien challenged.

‘She’ll realise that life is so much bigger than just being with me.’