Page 37 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito?" I noticed how Knox's eyes darken when he came face to face with the person who just arrived.

A middle aged woman wearing a black silk dress and a luxury car behind her. Lumabas si Nanay Janice mula sa bahay at dali-daling tumakbo sa tabi ng babae na kakarating lang. Her eyes carried a word she couldn't put into words when she saw Knox.

"Cath, anong ginagawa mo dito?" natatarantang tanong ni Nanay Janice. "Pumasok na muna kayo don mga apo, kakausapin ko lang sya." Binaling nya ang atensyon nya saamin.

"No, mom. I want to talk to my son," lumapit sya kay Knox, but Knox took a step backwards dragging me along.

His grimace told me that he wanted to run away. The way his breath hitched and how he squeezed my hand too tightly became the very reason why I pulled him away from that woman.

"Son, please talk to me just for once," she begged. "I-I came to see you, nak. Please...I need to talk to you. Alam ko naman lahat ng pagkakamali ko but pleas..e don't do this to your mom..." her voice cracks.

Natigilan si Knox at mas lalong humigpit ang pagkakahawak nya sa kamay ko. "Please leave." Matigas nyang saad.

Napatingin ako sa likod ko, and I saw how his mom's eyes swells up with tears and unspoken apologies that she couldn't bring herself to say...not when she triggered Knox so much with her presence.

Aware ako na fuck up mga pamilya namin, but seeing him this shaken up made my heart ache.

"K-Knox...please, Just this once. I wanted to apologise properly," she pleaded again.

Knox trembling hand firmly grasped mine. Marahas syang nilingon ni Knox. "Humingi ng tawad? After you vanished for nearly 8 years? Awa? Naawa ka ba sa amin when we shouted and begged for you to not go and leave us?" He tried to laughed but it came out crooked.

His eyes glimmer with tears, parang piniga ang puso ko ng marinig kong gaano sya naapektohan just seeing her mother like this. So dito ng galing kong bakit hirap syang magtiwala.

"M-may dahilan ako, just hear me out..." lalapitan nya sana si Knox ng mahigpit syang hinawakan ni Nanay Janice.

"Cath, that's enough."

"Mom!" she hysterically shouted. "Mom please let me talk to my son, just for once." She sobbed.

Knox turned his heels and dragged me papasok sa bahay nila. Rinig namin ang iyak ng mama nya but he didn't turned his back nor acknowledged her presence. His head hangs low, wala syang imik, though his trembling hand tells a different story.

"Baby..." I called out softly pero hindi sya umiimik. His lean stature shook and the moment he opened the door and shut the door behind me, napasalpak sya sa sahig letting go of my hand.

Pinagmasdan ko kong paano nya ibinaon ang kanyang mukha sa pagitan ng kanyang tuhod at niyakap yun. Lumuhod ako sa tabi nya at niyakap sya. I patted his back to console him.

"You're ok, baby...I'm here." I said reassuringly. Gumalaw muli ang kanyang balikat, my eyes soften but my heart is crying with him.

Dahan-dahan nyang inangat ang kanyang mukha, niyakap ang beywang ko and buried his face once again on my chest. Mahigpit ko syang niyakap just to remind him that in this room—in my embrace he's safe from the cruelty outside his room.

Walang umiimik saaming dalawa, he cried silently—painfully. I clenched my jaw trying to compose myself. He said, karga nya ako but no, he too is suffering. Karga namin ang bawat isa.

"I don't want to see her nor hear her apologies. H-hindi ko pa kaya..."

He finally let out a sob. The proud Knox Cyrus Villanueva, is suffering dahil sa kagagawan ng mga taong nasa paligid namin.

"I am petty for pushing her away?" mahina nyang tanong, still crying.

Umiling ako and kissed his forehead. "You made the right choice, Knox. Don't push yourself...we ain't angry with you mahal ko..."

Mas lalo syang umiyak sa bisig ko. Unti-unti na ring nanlalabo ang mata ko dahil sobrang sakit ng pag-iyak nya.

"A-ang tagal kong inasam na makasama sya...na tawagin nya akong anak. I fucking wished upon the star that one day I could play at the park like a normal child...with my mom." He sobbed. "Mali ba yun? Mali bang maghangad na mayakap nya? Na mahalin nya? M-mali ba yun?" his voice trembled.

"Hindi yun mali..."

"Then why did she leave us?" natahimik ako.

I swallowed the lump in my throat trying to find words to comfort him. Pero wala, wala akong maisip. I too, was stock, I too was in shambles.

"Just when I thought I was doing ok, she cagged me again by just showing her face. I hate her, my dad and everyone who projects their own pain onto their offspring and their insecurities as if we wished for them to bring us to this world." Nanghihina nyang saad.

I took a deep breath and carried him in my arms. Nilapag ko sya sa kama nya, tatayo sana ako when he pulled me in and hugged me kaya parehas kaming napahiga sa kama. Instead of resisting I let him pour all his heart.

His pain, his past, all his wishes that never came true. I let him talk and cry while holding in my own tears.

Nasasaktan ako, para sakanya...para saaming dalawa. Nakakatakot, knowing the past of our parents I couldn't begin to fathom the possibilities if the day came and they pushed all of their hurt onto us and we couldn't fight anymore for our own story.

Mariin akong napapikit, just thinking na malalayo ako sa kanya feels like a torture, ayaw kong dumating sa araw na his voice became the very reason of my own downfall.

All because our parents couldn't let go of their own past.

"No matter what happened...please never let go of my hand," he achingly voiced out. His eyes are fluffy and red from crying yet he still manages to smile.

I held his hand firmly. "Even if the stars and moon lose their light and burn out, even if the oceans dry up, my hand will never slip from yours." I kissed the back of his hand tenderly. "No storm, no sorrow, can pull me away from you, baby. Always remember that."

The corner of his lips rose for a melancholy smile. A small and weak smile before he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep. At don nagsimulang magsilabasan ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

I pity him...I'm aching for him. Hindi ko kayang makita syang nasasaktan dahil sa mga taong dapat ay gumagabay saamin, na dapat pinoprotektahan kami.

It was a mess, it was painful but what can we do eh pinanganak kami sa pamilyang walang ibang ginawa kundi saktan kami.

Ilang minuto kong hinayaang tumulo ng payapa ang luha ko habang nakatingin kay Knox. If he can't do it, then I'll talk to her.

Dahan-dahan kong tinanggal ang bisig nya sa beywang ko at bumaba sa kama. I've had enough. I've fucking had enough. It's their past so why is it that it is us who suffered so much?

Bumaba ako sa sala with something firm in my mind, a decision that might free us both from this shackles. Talk to them. Let them know.

I balled my fist, heave a deep breath bago tuloyang bumaba. I heard a soft muffle sound as if someone was trying to cry quietly. Nagtungo ako sa sala at don ko nakitang umiiyak ang nanay ni Knox habang dinadamayan sya ni nanay Janice.

Sensing my presence, she turned her head in my direction. Nanlaki ang mata nya at dali-daling tumayo at lumapit sa akin. Bahagya nyang hinawakan ang kamay ko. Seeing her so close, Knox had her eyes.

"N-nasaan ang anak ko? Ibaba mo sya!" she demanded na para pang ninanakaw ko ang anak nya sa sakanya.

I shook my head and pulled my hand from her. Her eyes lingered on my hands. "Ma'am I think it's time for you to understand that your presence only brought Knox despair," malumanay kong saad.

Natigilan sya at malalim na tinignan ang mata ko. "Anong pinagsasabi mo? I need to talk to my son now!!" she shouted right under my nose.

"Cath!" Si Nanay Janice. "Wag kang sumigaw, natutulog ang mga bata." Matalim na saway sakanya but she shook her head, grabbed my hand tightly.

"I need to talk to my son," this time her voice sounded weak.

I shut my eyes tightly. "Mas mabuting umalis ka nalang muna, ma'am." I insisted.

Mas lalong humigpit ang pagkakahawak nya sa kamay ko at dumilim ang kanyang mga mata haobang nakatingin sa'akin. "And who are you to say that to me?" She shot dagger looks at me. "I'm his mother!" she demanded yet again.

"Wrong, hindi ka naging ina sa kanya o kahit na kay Kaycee," Umiling ako. "You were never there when they needed you. You turned your back and chose not to listen to their plea to not leave them. You never listened kaya wala ka pong karapatang tawagin ang sariling ina nya...nila."

Her nails digged through the back of my hand kaya sapilitan ko itong kinuha. Her face turned pale, I'm sure na malalim ang tama ng mga salita ko sa kanya dahil totoo ang lahat ng yun.

She was never a mother, she's the woman who nurture both siblings in a span of 9 months in her womb and give them life but that's all.

"Who are you? Are you his son?" she asked.

I took a step forward and put both of my hands inside my pockets. "Yes." I answered.

"I see," yumuko sya. "I guess what's meant to be is meant to be." She laughed bitterly. Tumalikod sya saakin at naglakad papalabas.

Nilingon ko si Nanay Janice and she signaled me to follow her, so I did. I followed her hanggang sa tumigil sya sa tabing dagat. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin, the stars sprinkles across the dark vast sky.

Huminga ako ng malalim.

"I came here to talk to my son and ask for his forgiveness," she began, ang mata ay nasa dagat. "I wanted to make things right but I guess huli na ang lahat," dahan-dahan syang lumingon sa akin.

Nanatili akong walang imik.

"You're right, hindi ako nagpaka-ina sa mga anak ko, I choose to turn my back and leave them. I thought that was the right thing to do..." she trailed off. "He was born merely because his father wanted revenge. Petty, I know." She chuckled.

"Why are you telling me this?" Tanong ko.

The wind blew her hair, she smiled softly. "Because you never let go of his hand. I saw how deeply you care about him, mga bagay na hindi ko man lang nagawa. I can tell that the moment you speak up for him alam ko na na maalagaan mo sya."

My chest tightened. But she continued anyway.

"He never experienced being a child, while others played outside their yard he was buried in books.

Akala ko that's the right thing to do kaya nagbulag-bulagan ako sa katotohanan.

Huli na ng marealized ko na sana lumaban a–ako.

" Her voice cracked at nagbabadyang bumuhos ang panibagong luha kaya tumingala sya.

"...I wish I had fought his father and let him enjoy being a child. Kasalanan ko ang lahat...kong sana naging matatag ako para sa mga anak ko..." tuloyan na syang humagulhol at napaluhod sa mapinong buhangin.

Pinagmasdan ko lang sya, habang humahalo ang kanyang hikbi sa kanta ng malamig na gabi.

"Bat ngayon pa? Bat ngayon mo pa naisipang bumalik? After all those years?" I managed to ask even though my throat is closing up.

"I found a letter tucked at the side of my old suitcase, I never noticed it because I'm busy running away...from them—from the shackles that torment me." Tumayo syang muli. And something about what she said flared up the anger in my chest.

"You're selfish, you are all selfish human beings," I clenched my jaw and gritted my teeth.

"I know. At pinagsisihan ko yun." Aniya.

Sisi? Pagsisi? I laughed bitterly. "You just ruined your son's life and now you want him to forgive you? Mawalang galang na ho ha but after all you've done hindi ko alam kong mapapatawad pa kayo ng anak nyo." Matigas kong saad na syang ikinayuko nya.

"The trauma you had caused him won't just vanish by simply saying sorry. You saw it, you saw how shaken up he was when he saw you. Kong di nyo man lang kayang tratohin ng tama ang anak nyo...J-just let him be at ibigay nyo na sya sa'akin." She sobbed again.

"Is it too late?"

"Yes. It's too late." I answered without hesitation. It's already too late. "Hindi ko din kaya mapapatawad sa ginawa nyo sa kanya."

"I see..." she mumbled. She lifted her head, looked at me in the eyes achingly. "If it's written in the star, then hahayaan ko sya sa mga kamay mo."

I bit my lips and lowered my head, thanking her.

"Let me have him, at ipaparanas ko ang lahat ng hindi nya pa naranasan...just please I'm begging you never show your face in front of him ever again. Hintayin nyong sya na mismo ang lumapit sa inyo..." I pleaded.

Lumapit sya sa akin and ruffled my hair softly kaya napapikit ako. "I'll be waiting for that day to come. Thank you for making me realized na hindi lahat ng bagay pwedeng madaliin, kahit ang pagpapatawad." She said defeatedly. Bumuntong hininga sya at naglakad papalayo sa kong saan ako nakatayo.

"Alam mo ba na one of his wish for you to call him 'anak'," pahabol ko. "Make sure to call him that when he reaches out to you someday."

Hindi ko man rinig o kita pero alam kong durog na durog na rin sya ngayon. Hindi sapat ang luha sa sugat na ginawa nila. Hindi sapat ang 'patawad' sa traumang ibinaon nila sa pagkatao nya.

I know that he wanted to hear that word from them, pero alam ko rin na hindi pa ito ang tamang oras para marinig nya ang mga salitang yun galing sakanila.

Sometimes forgiveness doesn't bring peace; it only sharpens the ache, forcing you to relive the very hurt you're trying to let go of. It wasn't healing...for now but maybe soon, it would be.

I brushed my hair up at bumuntong hininga. The twilight reflects the ocean making it glimmer as if there's a hidden treasure beneath its surface. How peaceful.

Nabalik ako sa reyalidad when my phone buzzes. Agad ko naman yung binuksan at bumungad ang isang mensahing hindi ko aakalain na matatanggap ko. My knees buckled and instead of resisting I let it fall. I clutched my phone on my chest at unti-unting tumulo ang luha ko.