Page 17 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

I wonder what it's really like to love someone and be loved by them in return. The kind of love that stays for a lifetime and not the kind of love that's fleeting and uncertain, but the one that stays even in silence.

My mom always says to me that love is the most peaceful feeling, but at the same time, it might confuse you. Like why your chest feels heavy even though they were holding your hands or why the quiet moments between words can feel louder than anything else.

Maybe love is both—soft and confusing. Well, to be honest I don't even know.

Feelings are complex to the point na ang hirap nitong intindihin. You hate them but when they distance themselves to you, you suddenly realize that you're yearning for their presence. It was hard to understand kaya marami ang nalilito and when they admitted it to themselves it was already too late.

"I'm bored," reklamo ko habang nakadukdok sa mesa dito sa cafeteria. Buryo na ako dito gusto ko na mag transfer.

Dorm—Classroom—Cafeteria—Garden—Dorm. Paulit-ulit nalang! God, kong hindi lang sana ako gago edi sana wala kami dito ngayon. I might say that pero deep down I kinda liked it in here, dahil nandito sya.

"I liked it in here, walang istorbo." Rafael stated, napangiwi ako dahil feeling ko may double meaning yun.

"Walang istorbo, malamang. Makakabayo ka hangga't gusto mo, nakakadiri to." I groaned and looked at him.

He smirked and bit his burger. "Oh, how did you know?" He acted surprised though the mischievous smile in his lips barely manage to cover up his lousy acting.

My eyebrows knitted, "Tell me what's going on. Puta tropa tas nagtatago ng sekreto," I seriously utter. He furrowed his brows and shrugged his shoulders.

"Stop acting like a jealous girlfriend, will you? Nothing's going on, I swear," itinaas nya ang dalawa niyang kamay sa eri.

Back then if he said that nothing is going on we'd believe that because that's just how he is. He never lies, but this time I feel like something is off about this man, parang may tinatago. Lagi din tong naka turtleneck kahit ni ki-init init.

I squinted my eyes. As much as I wanted to interrogate him, I really can't do much if he doesn't want to tell it. I'll respect that. I shrugged my shoulders and sigh.

"Whatever. I'm not interested to hear about your sex life anyway."

He crackles, "Aww sayang naman. I'm willing to tell you step by step if you asked further. From how I f-----" Sinungalngalan ko ang bunganga nya ng burger bago nya pa matapos kong ano mang kalaswaan ang balak nyang sabihin sakin. He glared at me kaya napatawa ako.

"Masarap?" I tilted my head and teased him.

He rolled his eyes and chewed the half-eaten burger in his mouth.

"Ito oh masarap, pakyu!" he then raised his middle finger na syang ikinahalakhak ko pa lalo.

Napaka sama ng ugali akala mo hindi nag grade 2 eh. I fished out my phone and open my social media accounts. I furrowed my brows when I saw that most of my mutuals have the same post nor Myday. Nasa dagat sila.

"Kainis. Yung iba nasa dagat na tas tayo nasa school pa rin. Ito nabubulok na," halos naiiyak kong saad. Gusto ko rin magpapogi sa dagat.

Malay mo nandon yung para saakin.

"Sorry iba kasi ang sinisisid ko eh," he tilted his head and grinned at me. My face contorted with disgust.

"Eww."

Humalakhak sya kaya mas lalo akong napangiwi. At this point I don't even know if he's being serious or what. I can never figure him out.

I massage my temple and slightly squinted. My head hurts. I haven't slept yet dahil sinamahan ko kanina si Knox, magpuyat. I just sat there wondering if it would kill him to treat me a little nicer since I'm being patient with his temper.

Probably yes, it would kill him. I feel like just the sight of me is more than enough to ruin his mood. Like, what did I do to deserve such treatment.

I've never felt his way before. I felt like trash. Whenever he would look at me with those eyes I feel like drowning in them. Not because it was gentle, it was beautiful...but painful.

"What's with you?" I lifted my head when Rafael spoke. His brows are knitted and his forehead creases.

"What?" I asked, trying to act cool but that just made his eyebrows raise to the highest level.

"Bat parang broken hearted ka dyan? May jowa kana?" pangingilatis nya. He leans closer as if to examine me. I pushed his face and rolled my eyes.

"Shut up Raf. Hindi porket nag-eemote broken hearted na agad?" Dahilan ko.

He reclined his body and squinted his eyes, "Lahat nang nararamdaman mo may dahilan. If you're happy then something good happened. If you're sad then something unfortunate must have occurred. If you're heartbroken, it's because you're hurt or disappointed. Never invalidate your emotions by saying 'wala to'. Acknowledge it para hindi masyadong mabigat dalhin."

Napatulala ako. am I really hurt? or am I dissappointed? but for what? what's the reason? It confuses me, pati sarili ko hindi ko maintindihan. I stay silent because I don't know how to respond. He has a point. Naikuyom ko ang kamao ko at mas minabuti nalang na wag tumingin sa mga mata nya.

I'm afraid that if I look at him, he might discover something in me that I too don't know about.

"Dami mong alam," I chuckle and brushed him off.

He just looked at me silently and shrugged his shoulders. We stayed quiet until Rayne showed up. Furrowed brows and an annoyed expression written all over his dramatic face.

Pabagsak syang umupo sa harap namin kaya nagkatinginan kami ni Rafael. Problema nito?

"Bwesit!" he cursed and snatched my burger.

"Luh! akin yan eh." Reklamo ko at hinablot ang burger na nasa tray ni Rafael. Binatokan nya ako kaya natatawa kong binalatan at kinain ang burger.

"May roommate ako."

Napatigil sa eri ang kamay ko.

My eyes widen in shock.

Roommate?

Could it be him?

I clench my jaw and put down the burger bigla akong nawalan ng ganang kumain.

I kept on fiddling my fingers pinagpapawisan din ako.

If it is really him then ngayon pa lang talo na ako.

Just the thought of it makes my chest tightens.

It's hard to compete with someone na simula pa lang alam mong panalo na sya at talo kana. But the big question here is, why am I trying so hard to compete with him? Well maybe I just want him to care for me like how I care for him.

Just then, I saw him entering the cafeteria, smiling and laughing, with Zyran by his side. My eyes dropped instinctively as I took in the sight of his cheerful, vibrant face—so full of life. So different from when he was with me. For once, I wished that he would smile like that...why facing me.

Knox...if only you knew.

"Bwesit na Villanueva," I unconsciously voiced out my thoughts.

They asked why, but I couldn't just casually say that he was weighing on my mind since then. That I'm so pissed because he always pushed me away so I could only say...

"Hindi nya ako pinagluto."

Kinagabihan, since we don't have any food in here. I asked mang Theo ang guard nitong school to buy me some grocery. Of course, sabi ko bumili na rin sya ng sa kanila. He refused at first but I insisted kaya wala siyang nagawa kundi ang bumili rin para sa kanila. Walking distance lang naman papuntang palengke but I told him to rent some tricycle para hindi na sya mahirapan.

I could do it myself, ang problema lang need ko pa ng gate pass galing kay Knox. I could go to his office and ask for it but I'm not in the mood to talk to him. Nandito lang ako sa guardhouse waiting for mang Theo to arrive.

Hours passed and he came back with everything I requested. Agad kong kinuha ang dala nyang supot at inalalayan sya.

"Maraming salamat po talaga Mang Theo, magugutom na sana kami kong di dahil sayo," Biro ko na ikinatawa nya.

"Hindi, salamat Austine ha. Ang bait mong bata," napangiti ako dahil sa puri nya. May balak pa syang ibalik ang sukli pero I said na sakanya na lang yun. Also, a thanks for his efforts.

"Ayos lang po," I waved my hand dismissively as he tried to put the money inside one of my plastic bags.

"Iho, malaking bagay na yung binilhan mo rin ako ng grocery. Sayo nato," he insisted but I shook my head.

"Mas makakahinga po ako ng maluwag kong tatanggapin nyo yan," I pushed back the money to him and smiled.

He sighs and gives up. He took the money kaya mas lalo akong napangiti. Nagpasalamat sya, nagpasalamat din ako bago umalis.

"Ok, may grocery na. The only problem is I don't know how to cook," napakamot nalang ako sa batok ko.

Oh at least may YouTube.

I've decided na adobong manok na lang ang lulutoin ko dahil mukhang mas madali sya. I prepared all the ingredients at hiniwa ng bite size ang manok, and the rest na pinamili ko nilagay ko sa ref.

"Amm what was the first step again? Wash the chicken? how? Should I put some detergent?" Agad akong napatampal sa noo ko gago. Isang kagat, lason agad.

Wag ganon.

I opened my phone and searched 'How to cook adobong manok' and a lot of videos came up, pero yung pinakauna ang pinili ko.

Sana masarap, ayaw kong magtapon ng pagkain kong sakaling hindi maganda ang lasa.

"Gayatin yung alin?!" Na frustrate ako dahil ang bilis naman ng tutorial na to.

I bit my lips as I took in the sight of our kitchen. Buti nalang at hindi ko pa napapaandar ang gasol at nag bida-bida kong hindi goodbye talaga. Sadyang napakakalat lang talaga. Yung mga balat ng sibuyas kong saan-saan na lumilipad.

I heave a sigh and decide to continue. I check my wristwatch, alas syete na pala. Magmamadali na ako baka kasi nandito na yun maya-maya.

Focus na focus ako sa panonood ng tutorial, hindi ko na napansin na nasugatan na pala ako habang naghihiwa ako sibuyas. I bit my lips and rinse it kahit na medjo mahapdi. Despite all the struggles I've been through sa wakas...kamuntikan ko ng masunog.

I chuckle inwardly. Magpapaturo na ako kong ganito lang din naman pala.

Nang matapos, tinikman ko ang luto ko. A broad smile escaped my lips; I bobbed my head.

"This is a work of art! pati si Gordon Ramsay mapapawow nito eh," puri ko sa sarili ko.

Nah! I was just joking. It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good either. There's still room for improvement and I'll take it.

Excited, I hurriedly messaged Knox, to come home para sabay na kaming kumain. Naghain na ako at pinicturan ang pagkaing nakalapag sa mesa.

Sure.

Napangiti ako ng mabasa ang reply nya. I sent the picture to him, proud ako no dahil hindi ko nasunog.

Nag-luto ako, praise me hehe :))))))

Later that night, I waited for him to come home para sabay na kaming kumain...just this once. My wounded finger throbbed as I kept on pressing it just to gather my sanity. Each pulse stings but it's the only way to distract myself—to distract myself from the growing heaviness in my chest.

"Asan kana?" I checked my phone and it's already 10 o'clock.

Each tick of the clock was a constant reminder that he still wasn't here...hindi pa sya nakauwi.

I just sat there, under the dim light of the kitchen.

I didn't leave my seat, afraid that if I moved, I might miss the sound of the door opening. I watched the food grow cold under the kitchen light. I laughed bitterly. Mukhang iinitin ko nalang to ah. Napangiti ako hindi dahil sa tuwa, kundi dahil sa lungkot. I poured all of my efforts into making this and he also promised na uuwi sya pero wala naman.

He promised so bakit hindi sya umuwi?

"Sayang naman kong itatapon ko," I murmured to myself.

I bit my lips and decided to eat. Kahit na malamig, ok lang. Kahit na wala nang lasa ang manok sa bibig ko, ok lang.

I smiled bitterly and decided to check my socmed while eating. I was just scrolling when I came across an Instagram story, may moots pa akong taga counsil.

My pupils dilated-my heart aching. It was a photo of them eating and laughing at the cafeteria. Magkatabi si Knox at Zyran, and in that photo he was looking at him lovingly. It was posted 43 minutes ago with a caption of "Welcome Zy!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat along with the rice and chicken I had chewed.

"I see, you forgot about me."

Sinubukan kong ubosin ang pagkain ko pero nawalan na talaga ako ng gana. I clear the table at nilagay sa tupperware ang natitirang manok at pinasok sa ref. Ako lang naman ang kakain nyan kaya iinitin ko nalang.

Habang nagpupunas ng lamesa, the door creak opened with a pushed kaya agaran napunta ang atensyon ko don. I saw Knox, entering. He loosened his tie and his gaze fell straight to me.

Tipid akong ngumiti, itinabi ang pamunas. I was about to greet him when he turned his back and started walking to his room.

I watched his retreating back with lots of emotions stirring inside of me.

I clutched my chest, wow. It stings.