Page 20 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

My mind is in the wasteland; I couldn't grasp what was going on nor do I have any idea what's going on inside that big brain of his.

"Hindi mo maiintindihan."

Was the only word he said that embedded deep within my consciousness that night. How am I supposed to know kong pilit nya akong tinutulak. Instead of talking directly he'll give me a fucking mix signal that confuses the hell out of me.

He will push me away and then minutes later he'll come running to me like a lost puppy. Puta anong rason mo Knox?

Isang linggo. Isang linggo ko na syang iniiwasan. Hindi ko mawari kong ano ang dapat gawin pag kaharap ko sya. Baka masapak ko pa dahil sa sobrang inis.

Though I knew damn well na hindi ko kayang makita syang nasasaktan. Let alone hurt him.

"Ba't parang ang tamlay mo?" Inilayo ko ang ulo ko when Abigail shove a soda in a can in my face. Kinuha ko yun sa kamay nya. Umupo sya sa tabi ko and stare at me for a second. "Broken? Or rejected?" she asked.

I breathe sharply and open the soda she gave me. "Both, kaya manahimik ka dyan," walang ganang saad ko.

She chortled and slapped my back. "Gago totoo? Nagkatotoo ata yung sumpa ko sayo," she laughed hard. Inirapan ko sya at nilagok ang coke na hawak ko.

"Oh edi kasalanan mo pala?" paninisi ko kahit na alam kong wala syang kinalaman. She stopped laughing and leered at me.

Her face became serious as she straightened her back. "Pero totoo nga? What exactly happened? Bat ka nireject? Tas nino?" sunod-sunod nyang tanong.

I looked down and took a deep breath. I actually don't want to talk about it dahil na ddrain lang ako. As much as I want to understand him I just wouldn't because he chooses to keep his mouth shut and leave me guessing and wondering what really happened or what's going on.

Sensing my hesitation, she cleared her throat and whacked the back of my head. She laughs awkwardly...and loud. "Ano kaba! Hayaan na you don't need to tell me kong hindi ka pa handa. Tanginamo hindi ako sanay na ganto ka, arat habulan."

My lips slowly stretched until I let out a chuckle at hinuli ang beywang nya. Nanlaki ang mata nya at inambahan ako ng suntok pero nauna ko syang kilitiin.

"Hayop! Madaya," she shouted amidst her laughter. Hinila ko ang buhok nya at agad na tumayo para tumakbo. "Agay! Puta ka, Austine napaka pangit ng ugali mo!" she shouted behind my back. Tumakbo ako palabas sa classroom.

"Sino ba nag-aya ng habolan?" I laughed as I dodged the pen she threw in my direction. Marami ang napapatingin saamin pero patuloy lang sya sa paghabol saakin.

"Wait taympers! Balik ka muna ihuhug lang kita sa leeg hanggang sa magbayolet kang hayop ka!"

Tawang-tawa ako habang tumatakbo.

"Sus aminin mo na gusto mo lang talaga akong mayakap." I teased as I dodged yet another notebook.

"Kapal! Tangina hindi kita type mandiri ka nga," her voice echoed in every corner of this building. Napahalakhak ako dahil sa rebat nya.

"Ayan nanaman sila."

"Takbo Austine! Baka pagsamantalahan ka ni Abi pag naluhi ka nya."

Nakasalubong namin ang iba naming classmates. Patawa-tawa ko namang niyakap ang sarili ko.

"Tulong! May magnanakaw na humalabol sakin!"

"Tanginamo Pakyu!" aniya. I look past my shoulder only to see her sending middle fingers to our classmates.

I shook my head and continued running, however somehow my feet started to feel heavy, as if some invisible shackle tugged my feet making my pace slower when I saw him—walking side by side with Zyran.

Ah...

He caught my eyes and his smile vanished in an instant.

"Huli ka!"

Abigail's heavy weight pressed on my back as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Tangina bilis mo ah—oh! Si Knox oh," she pointed out.

I clenched my jaw and wrapped my arms around her waist, "Canteen tayo. Libre mo," Binalingan ko sya ng tingin. She furrowed her brows and flicked my forehead.

"Ikaw na wala akong pera." Inirapan nya ako at kumalas sa pagkakayakap sa leeg ko. "Saglit kakausapin ko lang muna si Knox, about don sa application namin. Ma te-terminate na kasi ang club dahil kulang kami sa members."

Akma nyang kakalasin ang pagkakahawak ko sakanya, when I tightened my grip and looked straight in her eyes.

"Maya na please," I said, almost begging. Ayaw kong makaharap sya ngayon. Ayaw kong lumambot dahil lang sa tumama ang mata namin.

Mas lalong lumalim ang kunot sa noo nya, aalma pa sana sya when she saw how my eyes glimmer from tears. She clenched her jaw and pulled me away kaya nabitawan ko ang beywang nya.

Tahimik lang kami...tahimik lang akong nagpapahila sa kanya. With my head bow down, mixed emotions started to surge within me again.

"Sya ba?" she accused me as if I've done something wrong.

I scoffed and licked my lips. Don ko lang napagtanto na dinala nya ako sa garden. Umupo sya sa lilim ng puno.

"Was he the one who rejected you?" she rephrased her words. Umupo ako sa tabi nya and rested my head on her shoulder.

I nodded my head. "Surprised huh?"

"You like guys?" she asked again.

Napaisip ako, was I into guys? But kong tagalang oo, then why is it that whenever I look at other guys, I feel nothing. No spark...no complicated thoughts...no butterflies...just nothing. But whenever I'm with him, it felt different.

Whenever I'm with him, my chest tightens in a way I can't quite understand or put into words—a sudden rush of emotions that are too foreign for me. Sometimes, my stomach flutters, sometimes it churns, it depends on how he treats me. Sometimes butterflies, most of the time it was painful.

I don't know what it is about him that kept me hypnotised, but one thing is clear both in my mind and heart—I've only ever felt this way with him and no one else in this world.

"No. I like him, there's a distinct difference," I said, in a low and small voice.

She sighed and rested her head on the tree trunk.

"You know, what I've said nong nakasalubong ko kayo sa clinic na sana mareject ka...I was just joking kasi hindi pumasok sa utak ko na maaari kang ma reject. I mean ikaw na yan eh, Austine Yohan Sevilliana, a fine-looking man. The Pride and Joy of the Architecture Department..kaya...I'm sorry if it jinxed you in some way." She apologized sincerely.

I chuckled. "It's not your fault. We couldn't have predicted what was about to happen in the future right? Sadyang may mga bagay lang talaga na hindi para sayo. It's like seeing something you really like in the store—however, by the time you decide to buy it it's already sold out ...."

My breath was unsteady, and I started to fiddle my fingers. She remained silent, like she's really listening, so I continued.

"...Life is kind of like that. In love too. Maybe in everything. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they'll love you back. Feelings aren't always reciprocated simply because yours are genuine. Sometimes, it's not always what you thought it would be. A lot of twists and turns can happen in a matter of seconds, there's no way we can anticipate what was about to happen."

I bit my lips at ini–angat ang ulo mula sa balikat nya at ginaya sya. I rested my head on the tree trunk.

"I'm about to get married," she confesses kaya bahagyang nanlaki ang mata ko. She tilted her head to meet my eyes, when she saw my reaction, she laughed. "Puta ang pangit mo!"

Humalakhak sya habang gulat pa rin akong nakatunganga sakanya.

"Huh? May pumatol sayo?" ang reaction ko.

Hearing my words, her laughter abruptly stopped. Napangiwi sya. "Grabeng ugali to, napaka sama." She rolled her eyes.

I chuckled, hinampas nya ang balikat ko bago tumayo kaya napatingla ako sakanya. She smiled and extended her hands. "Chika ko sayo sa susunod kain muna tayo, kanina pa ako nagugutom."

I clicked my tongue and grabbed her hands. "Pabitin."

"Mas mabuti ngang sa chismis ka lang nabitin. Kawawa nga ako dahil na bitin sa lapla—"

Agad kong sinungalngalan ng bibig nya ng panyo kong may uhog dahil sa kong ano nanamang kabastosan ang lumalabas sa bibig nya.

She muffled a shout kaya napatawa ako.

"Puta ba't may malagkit?!!"

Humalakhak ako at tinaggal ang panyo sa bibig nya. When she saw what was in my handkerchief she freaked out.

I was mid-laugh, shoulders shaking dahil sa tarantang reaksyon ni Abi. The sun was warm and soothing. The kind of light that makes everything feels lighter than it actually is.

But something made me glance past her—some strange pull in the back of my mind. I was stiff when I saw him.

Knox stood a few meters away from us hidden behind the bushes, half turned like he wasn't really looking, however, his eyes betrayed him...his eyes were on me. It was quick, quiet, like he didn't mean to be caught.

My chest thundered. He didn't smile, didn't wave, just held my gaze longer than he should. Ito ang unang pagkakataon na tinignan nya ako sa mata ng matagal... malalim at nanghahalina.

His expression faltered. His jaw tense, his eyes glimmer with something. His fingers twitched like he needed something to hold on. I swallow the lump in my throat, steady my breathing and look away.

This time, hindi ako ang unang magsusurrender. Tama na muna.

How ironic it was when Rayne knew what was waiting for me before I could even start paving my own path.

Nang humiwalay sakin si Abi dahil may tumawag sakanya. I fished out my phone in my pocket and dialed Rayne's number. It took a few rings before he answered his phone.

I greeted him with my bitter laugh. "Fuck Rayne, I'm trapped. I'm fucking trapped and I didn't even know if there was a way out."

He was silent for a minute until he realized what I meant.

"What happened?" he asked, curious.

"I said I'm trapped," I chuckled softly. "And somehow it's painful. You know I love the ocean right? And somehow I really wanted to drown in them—maybe I'll be at peace by then."

He let out a shaky sigh. "Do you think drowning means ending your suffering with peace? Sometimes the most painful death was drowning in silence. Just because you love the ocean doesn't mean you have to drown in it."

"But what if drowning is the only way I can escape this hellhole?" I asked.

"Hellhole agad? Nainlove ka lang eh," tumawa sya sa kabila kaya tumawa din ako.

"Sorry na oa ako, nagmana lang talaga sayong bwesit ka," rebat ko.

"Gago!" bigla syang tumahimik sa kabila kaya napatikhim ako. "May bebetime pa ako, pwedeng mamaya nalang? bar tayo total friday nanaman."

Napailing nalang ako. "May pumatol sayo?"

Tumikhim sya, "Meron, wala pang label."

"Ok lang yan, no label enjoyer ka naman t—hayop na taong to."

I cussed when the line beep, tangina pinatayan ako? kita mong nag eemote pa ang tao tas bababaan lang ako? the audacity?

Gusto ko rin mag emote kaso feel ko busy yung dalawang yun. Oh edi kayo na masaya.

Ibubulsa ko na sana ang cellphone ko when it rang again. My lips stretched when I saw my grandma calling me. Agad ko iyong sinagot.

"Mem---" My words got cut off when I heard her hurried and panicked voice.

"Hey what's wrong?" kinakabahang tanong ko.

"Baby, are you in school?" she tried to keep her voice calm but I can sense the urgency beneath it. "Can you come home? sa hacienda?"

"What? why? please tell me what was happening," tumatambol na ang dibdib ko dahil sa sobrang kaba dahil sa tono ng kanyang boses.

"Your mom's room...your dad..."

Without even finishing her word I already understand what she meant by it. Agaran akong tumakbo papuntang dorm para kunin ang susi sa kotse ko.

I dialed my dad's number. I cursed under my breath when the call went into voicemail.

"Answer you fucking shit."

I dialed his number again this time he answered.

"Wh--"

"What the fuck are you doing?!!" I roared, my hands trembling, my eyes watering. "Sir itatapon ba tong pana?" I heard someone say on the other side that when I lose it.

"Don't you dare touch her things," kalmado ngunit madiing saad ko. Halos mamuti na ang kamao dahil sa higpit ng pagkakakuyom ko.

"It's an old room. Kianna and I decided to make it her—"

"Shut the fuck up you fucker!" I roared. My throat burned, my chest heave. My eyes bloodshot from grief and fury, blurred with the tears I could no longer hold back.

"Tangina! yan na nga lang ang natitirang aalala ni mommy kukunin mo pa? awa na lang sana oh." My voice cracked, fragile and breaking, like my heart in that moment. My tears poured down—like a fucking dam, unstoppable and heavy. Puta.

The thought that he could just demolish the room we once shared shattered my last bit of hope for him. He could just throw it away as if they were junk. As if the memories he had with her meant nothing to him.

As if everything she was, everything she left behind—meant nothing.

"It's just an old room Austine, why are you so worked up?" galit na rin sya pero mas nag-aalab ang galit na namumuo sa puso ko.

"Do you even fucking remember what's in that room? Do you even fucking care what's inside that room? Fuck Kianna! Fuck you! Fuck you all. I hated you. Puta! pati ba yan ipagkakait nyo pa sakin? akin na lang yan wag nyo nang galawin please..." I broke down.

My knees buckled, and I crumbled to the floor like a lifeless human being.

Puta! hindi lang naman yan kwarto lang eh. Naging tambayan namin yun ni mommy. The shared laugh we had vanished into thin air, the silence was louder than our laughter.

I sobbed, chest aching, throat drying. It wasn't just about the things, it's all about her. The memories. Pag wala na yung kwartong yun pakiramdam ko nilibing na rin nila ako kasama sya. Her scent still lingered in her room like it was preserved by time. Pag nawala yun...pano nalang ako?

Napasalpak ako sa sahig habang hawak-hawak ang dibdib kong kumikirot. Please not that room...

Not my mom's room.

Putanginang mga taong to!

"Fucking leave that goddamn room dad, please..."

Silence.

Just my sobbed echo in our dorm. The door opened but I couldn't care less who it was.

"Austine?"

Puta bat ba lagi nalang akong nasasaktan?

"Fuck what happened?" I heard a hurried footsteps coming my way, but I remained silent.

"Stop it dad please...don't do this to me oh." I sobbed again.

This time, I felt a warm embrace behind— steady, and grounding. A strong arm wrapped around me, pulling me in, as if trying to hold together every pieces of me that was pulling apart.

I didn't resist.

I couldn't.

I just let myself fall into it.

Muling bumaha ang mga luha ko—this time, it was heavier, the kind that came not from rage, but from heartbreak. I buried my face in his arms, letting the silence cradle my grief.

"Knox..." My voice barely above a whisper against his chest, trembling and fragile. "Bat ang hilig nyo akong saktan?"

My words hung in the air---soft yet somehow sharp like I'd had enough of this pain.

He didn't answer. He remained silent. And maybe he didn't need to answer me, because the silence between us had already said enough.