Page 19 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

The cost of trying means sacrificing a lot of things.

It's not even for your self-growth nor for your ambition rather than a self-erasure. You pour all your energy and care to meet others' expectations or gain their favor, often without reciprocation.

As time passes it eats your sense of self-your dignity-yourself worth and you even neglect your own boundaries.

The cost of trying isn't often worth it especially when your efforts go unnoticed and the worst part is when you've completely lost yourself in the process; you become invisible to them-especially to yourself.

The pain from trying and never being seen is the worst kind of pain.

Agaran akong lumabas sa kwarto nya at tumakbo sa kwarto ko. I grabbed a few things before heading out. I fished out my phone and messaged Rafael.

You up? don ka sa kwarto ni Preston matulog, lemme crash to your room for tonight.

After I sent my message I locked my room and made my way to our front door. Seconds later my phone lit up.

Go somewhere else fucker.

Napagakat ako sa labi ko at inirtang nagtipa ulit nang irreply.

Baka gusto mong isumbong kita kay Rayne, na kamuntikan mo nang maibangga ang kotse nya sa poste? Pili ka, papatulogin mo ako dyan o makakalbo ka ni Rayne? Madali lang naman akong kausap.

Fuck you! pag talaga na laman kong sinabi mo ibuburol kita agad.

Binalik ko sa bulsa ko ang phone ko when I read his message. Bitbit ko ang unan ko, I was about to twist open the door when his voice rang kaya napatigil ako.

"Where are you going?" He asked. I licked my lips and forced myself to not turn around, I might give in once I saw his face.

"Wala kang paki," I uttered. I can totally imagine his expression right now. Furrowed brows and his usual blank eyes.

"I'm asking you properly," diin nya.

"And I'm answering you properly."

"Stay here."

My body stiffens. Stay here? after what he just said to me? I scoff and make my way out nang hindi sya pinapansin. Puta, he's so hard to figure out.

Knox, I'm not angry or what, I just needed some time to figure out my feelings for you-what I really want because I feel like I've been hasty by my confession and if I wanna pursue you despite how hard you pushed me I'll make sure na gusto talaga kita.

I don't want to make any hasty decisions that might hurt him-hurt the both of us. I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This time, sarili ko muna. Kasi masyado na akong nasaktan. Pipilitin kong intindihin ang sarili ko para hindi ko sya masaktan kong hindi pa buo ang utak ko.

I'm afraid to be honest. I've been into girls for as long as I can remember and then one day nag confess ako tas ang malala pa sa kapwa ko pa lalaki. Of course, nagulat din ako. Kasi indi ako nag-iisip sa mga oras na yun basta nalang lumabas sa bibig ko.

My mind is in chaos-clouded by all sorts of things that never ceases to pierce my heart.

"Nandito na si Austine, Raf!" Preston announced when he opened the door for me.

Rafael walked out from the shower, tanging tuwalya lang ang nakatapis sa pang-ibaba nya.

"Ginagawa mo dito?" masungit na saad nito.

Dumeretso ako sa sofa nila at isinalpak ang sarili. "Wow. Hellon Raf, I missed you too," sarkastiko kong saad.

He scoffed and joined me. Inakbayan nya ako kaya napaikot ang mata ko.

"What's up?" he asked. Bumuntong hininga ako and buried my face in my pillow.

"I don't know!!" Frustrated kong sigaw sa unan. "Nakakainis naman to!"

Binatukan nya ako kaya binalingan ko sya. I squinted my eyes and was about to pull his towel when he stood up.

"Bro chill! Pag ito nakita mo malilintikan ako sa baby ko. Sya lang dapat makakita ito!"

Napangiwi ako dahil sa sinabi nya kaya pinili ko nalang na batuhin sya ng unan.

"Kadiri ka."

"Magbihis kana don Rafael, naaalibadbaran ako sayo," Si Preston nakakarating lang.

He smiled at me and handed me the glass of water. "Thanks."

"Wow, may gana kang ngumiti sa iba tas pag ako sinusungitan mo," Rafael chimed in. He pursed his lips and approached Preston. "You should talk to me just like how you scream my n---- hayop!" hindi na niya natapos ang kanyang sasabihin when Preston pinched his side kaya napaigtad si Rafael.

My forehead creases may kakaiba sa dalawang to. Something I can't quite put into words.

Pinanlakihan sya ng mata ni Preston kaya napa tahimik sya. "Magbihis ka don." Utos ulit ni Preston.

Rafael nodded submissively. "Yes bab-boss."

He turned his back, halata mong may sama ng loob ang gago.

"Anyari don? Bat ang bait ata?" nagtataka kong tanong. Ayos ah.

"No idea." He then shrugged his shoulders. He sat beside me and briefly glanced at me.

"Is something the matter? Nag-away ba kayo?"

Bumagsak ang mata ko bago bumuntong hininga. We didn't argue, he just pushed me away.

"We didn't argue...it's more complicated than that." I chuckle bitterly. I recline my body and stare at the ceiling. "I'm just tired..."

He went silent for a minute before sighing. "I don't know what really happened, but I think you should talk things out. Pangit naman pag naging awkward ang atmosphere nyo, iisang kwarto lang kayo." He stated and I chuckled again.

"Mahirap kausapin ang taong ayaw makinig sayo. Hindi na ata madadala sa usap tong nangyari sa amin, masyado akong nadala sa damdamin ko kaya nasabi ko ang mga bagay na hindi dapat sabihin." I said, voice almost too low to even hear.

He might be a little rough on the outside but I'm certain Knox isn't a bad person.

Kaya ko nagustuhan yun eh.

His personality is strong; he believed in things that he thought were good for all of us.

He's selfless- he prioritises others more than himself. Dedication and discipline, that's basically his Middle name and surname.

Funny but his rough personality only added to his allure that drew me to him every time he spoke and moved.

"What did you say? Maybe the way he reacts is solely because you said something deep that made him scared," he uttered while smiling. My mind became distant.

Afraid? Of what? My confession? But what for?

I waved my hand dismissively and faced him. "How would you react when a person with the same sex as you confesses that he liked you? What will you do?" I asked.

Hi eyes widen for a moment, halatang nagulat din sa sinabi ko. Silence gets the best of us until he sighs deeply and looks away.

"I'd be scared and probably pushed him away," he replies, a half-smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "I'll be scared knowing that society doesn't favor that kind of relationship. Makasalanan ang maging bading kaya nakakatakot lalo na pag-alam mong you might sway that way. There are multiple instances but from my perspective that's my reason."

"So, you'll pushed them away dahil lang sa takot ka?" nagtataka kong tanong.

"Oo. Takot akong masaktan sya-na baka madamay, kaya mas pipiliin kong itulak sya papalayo. May mga bagay na hindi natin kayang kontrolin, ang damdamin natin-mga pananaw natin sa buhay pero isa lang ang sigurado lahat ng mga nangyayari may dahilan." He smiled at me gently, like a sweet cotton candy-soft, comforting and fleeting.

"Bat naman madadamay kong choice nyang madamay?" I asked again. This time puno ng pagtataka.

He met my eyes and tilted his head.

"Madamay sa sarili kong gulo. If I'm drowning in my own chaos, why would I pull someone else in my own storm just to suffer with me, right?" balik nyang tanong sa akin na syang ikinatahimik ko. "Bat ako magpapapasok ng ibang tao sa buhay ko when I'm trying to make sense of my own mess?"

I clenched my jaw, spread my legs and lowered my head. Then which one is it? Ano ang rason kung bakit patuloy akong tinutulak palayo ni Knox.

"It's called being self-aware. The fact that you know that your life is a mess, unstable or you're going through personal struggles, it might not be fair to involve someone else. Pinoprotektahan mo lang ang sarili mo sa maaaring sakit na maidudulot nila." Tumayo sya kaya napatingala ako at sinundan sya ng tingin.

"At the end of the day hindi mo malalaman ang dahilan kung hindi mo sya kakausapin. Persist until he gives in," he added.

Rafael walked out from his room fully dressed. "Ok na to," he said bago lumapit kay Preston and kissed his temple. "Nakabihis na baby,"

Holy shi--??!!! My eyes widen in shock as in pure shock. Putangina? Alam ko naman na may mali sa dalawang to pero hindi ko aakalain na may ganito na pala ang nangyayari. Sensing how shocked I was Preston's eyes immediately widened and kicked Rafael's side.

"W-wala yun mahilig lang talagang mag biro s-si Rafael," kanda-ugaga nyang paliwanag. He laughed nervously as he tried to explain what just happened.

"N-nakakadistorbo naba ako?" nakangiwi kong tanong.

"Yeah, so go aw-puta!" namilipit sa sakit si Rafael when Preston uppercut him. Napakagat ako sa labi ko at hinarang ang unan sa harap ko.

Mukhang delikado to si Preston ah.

"Of course not, welcome ka dito wag mo lang pansinin yang ulupong na yan," aniya, halatang kabado rin.

Sa sobrang tahimik ni Rafael hindi ko alam na may relasyon na pala sila ni Preston, so sya rin pala yung-agarang nanlaki ang mata ko when realization hit me.

So si Preston ang kasama nya nong tumawag ako sakanya nong nakaraan. I gasped habang pabalik-balik ang tingin sa kanilang dalawa.

"S-so si Preston ang kasama mo nong tumawag ako nong nakaraan?" I tried to confirm it pero di makasagot si Rafael dahil namimilipit pa rin sa sakit sa sahig.

"Hoy hindi ah! Walang nangyari saamin!" Preston denied immediately.

"Wala naman akong sinabi eh!" sigaw ko na halos naiiyak na.

Mga bading.

"Manahimik kana nga Austine, sasampalin kita tamo!" pananakot ni Rafael. Dahan-dahan syang tumayo at sinamaan ako ng tingin.

"Gago! Bayolente! Naiimagine kong sinasampal mo rin si Preston habang nasa kama ka-hala takbo!" agad akong tumayo at tumakbo when he jumped at me.

"Shut the fuck up Austine!" he roared habang hinahabol ako.

"Kalma tayo tol! Wala akong sinasabi ah!"

Bat ba lagi nalang akong hinahabol. Paikot-ikot kaming dalawa sa sala, habang nakatayo at nakatungaga pa rin don si Preston sa harap ng sofa, pulang-pula din ang mukha nya.

Hindi ko napansin ang water bottle sa lapag, aapakan ko ito dahilan ng pagkadulas ko.

I hit the floor with a loud thud.

I groaned and tried to stand up para lang makatakbo ulit when Rafael launched himself at me pinning me to the ground again.

Umupo sya sa bandang tyan ko making it harder for me to even move a muscle.

"Papatayin kita! Ang ingay mo!!!" Itinaas nya ang kanyang kamay and positioned himself as if to choke me kaya napalunok ako.

"Pag-usapan natin. We've been friends for almost our entire life, we can talk this out don't resort to violence," I held out my finger and form it into a peace sign and smile crookedly

"Oh, don't worry no violence is needed dahil papatayin kita sa kakatawa."

And with that kiniliti nya ako sa tagiliran. I burst out laughing and wiggle as much as possible para lang makawala sakanya.

"Puta Raf! Bitaw! Naiihi na ako parang-awa mo na!" halos mangiyak-ngiyak na ako kakatawa but this fucker won't stop.

With my free hand I caught his hand and yanked it. I reached for his neck using my arm and headlock him. Nabitawan nya ang isa kong kamay kaya kinuha ko ang opportunity na yun para kilitiin din sya sa tagiliran nya.

"Putanginamo!"

"Putanginamo rin!"

Naghalo na ang tawa naming dalawa. I let go of his neck, I pushed him off of me at natatawa syang sinipa.

"Gago ka," ani ko.

He raised his middle finger at me. "Mas gago ka."

"Gago kayong dalawa," sabat ni Preston, nagkatinginan kami ni Rafael bago humalakhak.

"Mas gago tong jowa mo, breakan mo na nga." Suggestion lang naman.

"Pag ako talaga hiniwalayan nyan, syempre iiyak ako," natawa ako dahil sa tugon ni Rafael habang namumula naman si Preston.

"Shut up! yung mga basura don ilabas mo na. Ikaw itapon ko eh," utos nito kay Rafael. Napakamot naman sa batok si Rafael, dahil wala syang magagawa.

"Yes boss." Aniya at dumiretso sa kusina.

Napailing nalang ako dahil para syang tuta. I glance at Preston, the kind of glance you'd make when you spotted the crush of your friend. Pinakyuhan nya ako kaya mas lalo akong napatawa.

"He's rubbing off of you," I chuckled.

He sticks out his tongue, "Palabasin kaya kita." Banta nya kaya napatahimik ako.

"Sorry na boss." Ani ko at umupo sa isang tabi. Sabi ko nga tatahimik na, ayaw ko pa namang bumalik don.

Baka pag nakita ko si Knox, eh halikan ko agad.

Hindi, biro lang.

"Aust! may sundo ka!" Sigaw si Rafael mula sa labas.

He enter the room and looked at me with the same confused expression I was wearing.

"What?" I asked.

"Nasa labas si Knox hinahanap ka ata----"

I rushed outside hoping-praying na totoong nasa labas sya. My mind spun with different questions, the biggest one echoing over and over again like a old radio that's been on repeat. Bat sya nandito? I almost stumbled in my hurry, but it didn't matter, but it didn't matter.

Once outside my breath caught in my throat when I caught a glimpse of his back walking away under the dim light.

"Knox..." I whispered his name, lips trembling and I took off running.

If don't run, I feel like palayo ng palayo ang distansya naming dalawa. I reached out for him only to find out that he's been long gone out of my sight.

"Knox!" I called out, voice cracking dahilan para mapahinto sya. "Please Stop!" I yelled again when he quickened his paced.

He ran.

So I ran too.

I caught up to him and grabbed his shoulder to stop him- breathless and shaking. I feel him flinching with my touch.

"W-What are you doing here?" Hinihingal kong tanong. He remained silent. "Knox... answer me." Halos pagsusumamo kong saad.

"Bakit?" aniya. "Bakit ka umalis?" His voice broke-shaky, hoarse, the kind of sound that only comes after crying alone for too long.