Page 26 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

"This school is diabolical, imagine no party on weekdays after school? Bro what if my chikababes miss me already? Why am I here in the first place?" I watched Abigail, pacing back and forth in front of me. Napabuntong hininga nalang ako.

"Would you please stop? Pati ako nahihilo na sayo eh," reklamo ko sakanya.

"Bruh, imagine the look on their face when they didn't see me for a whole week ang lungkot ng mga buhay nila dahil wala ako. Remind me why am I here," halos mangiyak-ngiyak nyang saad. As if ikakamatay nya kong hindi sya makakapunta sa bar.

"Why did you choose this school to begin with tas mag rereklamo ka?" Patrick, one of my classmates, chimes in.

I heard her sharp intake of breath. Hinarap nya si Patrick at pinameywangan. "Do you think I would choose this school?! If I were to decide I would never pick this human jail school. This is torture!!!" She yelled na ikinatawa ng iba. Napailing nalang ako at dumukdok.

I groan inwardly, masakit na nga ang likod ko naiinitan pa ako dahil sa suot kong turtleneck.

"Masama ugali mo kaya dito ka tinapon ng pamilya mo," I simply said. Pabagsak syang umupo sa tabi ko at tinapik ang malikat ko.

"Bro, I'm the best daughter they could ever ask for. Sadyang mahal lang talaga nila ako. Takot sila na baka may umampon sakin at iwan ko sila kaya pinasok nila ako dito para protektahan ako."

I almost rolled my eyes.

"In short ayaw nila sayo," I drawled.

Tumahimik sya saglit bago hinampas ng malakas ang balikat ko. I straighten my back and whip my head in her direction. Tinaponan ko sya ng masamang tingin na syang ginawa nya rin.

"Kaya ayaw nila sayo eh!" I gritted my teeth.

"Sumbong kita sa mama ko, mahal nila ako bawiin mo yun kundi malalagot ka saakin!" balik nya. She reached for my head and put it in between of her arms.

"Bat ko naman babawiin eh totoo naman? Ayaw nila sayo kaya ka nandito!" Pilit kong tinatanggal ang braso nya sa leeg ko pero mas lalo nya pang hinigpitan.

"Isusumbong na talaga kita kay mama!"

"Edi sumbong mo, tignan natin kong mahal ka nila!"

"Ikaw yung hindi mahal ng mama mo!"

"Patay na yung mama ko gaga."

Binitawan nya ang leeg ko. "Ay sorry hehe."

"I'm confused, college ba ito or elementary?" nabaling ang tingin namin sa isa naming kaklase.

Tumayo si Abigail at lumapit sakanya. "Janice babe, r u jealous na mas close kami ni Austine?"

Napa facepalm nalang ako. This again.

I heave a sharp sigh at dumukdok ulit. Knox was still sleeping when I left our dorm.

Hindi ko na sya ginising at hinayaan nalang syang makatulog don.

I've been thinking a lot since my grandma called me.

I don't know what to do. She told me that I needed to come with her overseas. I don't know why but I refused to go.

"Yeah, ang cute nga nila eh. Tas nakita ko yung wallpaper ni Pres, si Zyran! Like omg fr?" agad na pantig ang tenga ko sa narinig ko.

Two girls sat in front of me, I shifted in my seat. An uncomfortable feeling started to rise in my chest.

"Feel ko gusto ni Pres si Zyran, I mean I can't blame him since ang ganda ni Zyran. Damn, he's even prettier than any other girl." The other girl giggled.

Pres? Knox? No that can't be, he doesn't like Zyran...anymore? Does he?

My heart sank.

"I saw them this morning and the way Knox smiles at Zyran? Bro! I swear you can totally piece it together that he liked him."

That can't be...Pano ako?

I looked up and stared at the back of their head, their voices turned into muffled buzz as something inside of me twisted . I shifted again, trying to breathe past the tightness coiled in my chest.

What if he was thinking of him while doing it? What if sya pa rin talaga? Putangina eh ano yung mga pinakita nya saakin? That thought was enough to punch me in the gut.

I clutched the edge of my desk, to tight my knuckles turned white. My eyes burn.

No. I refused to be swayed with this. Agad akong tumayo para nahapin si Knox, I need to talk to him.

I'm fucking frustrated. Nakakagalit. Lalo na't alam kong what we had was never clear. We never talked about it. Never labeled it. Just let it be. Now, nagsisisi akong hinayaan ko nalang.

I never questioned him because it felt so real. But then being real doesn't always mean enough.

"Aust? Where are you going? Class is about to start, you idiot." Abigail's voice trailed behind my back.

Hindi ko sya pinansin at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Each step of mine demands answers from him. Each breath lacerates my heart, to the point na nahihirapan akong makahinga.

I check everywhere I could think of— the office, hallway, garden...just everywhere I knew he would be there.

I hate this.

I hate that I'm looking for him when he's the one who made me feel invisible.

I hate that I still care—still want him—to choose me.

I hate myself for craving affection...

I stopped by the staircase, took a deep breath and decided to check the cafeteria. The only place I haven't checked. I put my hands inside my pocket and lowered my head while walking.

Puta ang bigat. Ayaw kong magpaapekto sa mga naririnig ko but damn, it hurts. If I heard a rumor about him and another girl, I might just laugh it off but a rumor about him and Zyran?

Knowing he once liked Zyran...it made me...feel insecure. Unsure of everything.

"Let's talk to him—"

The words got stuck in my throat the second I lifted my head to look through the glass window of the cafeteria.

And for a second I regretted coming down here. Everything inside of me crumbled.

He was there.

With Zyran.

Nanghihina kong hinakbang ang paa ko para sana kausapin sya when I saw his face clearly.

His laughing with him, eyes half-moon, lips pulled into that genuine smile I thought was rare–reserved.

My stomach churn, bile rising up from the heartbreak. I tried to deny it, tried to understand him, tried to gaslight myself that he was falling too...but no. He never did.

Everything was a lie.

So, it's true huh? He never stopped loving him. That beautiful ray of sunshine.

How about me?

What about those moments that we've shared? I gave myself up, only to find out it was never me to begin with.

Alam ko naman, but he made me believe that things are taking a different turn between us. Akala ko may meaning ang lahat. The way he followed me when he sensed something was wrong and embraced me when I broke down.

He offered his hand, I took it. He held my hand tightly, I held onto it. He let go of my hand, I tried to grab it only for my hands to bleed. I begged him to give me his hand, he ignored me.

I tried everything, breaking myself in the process until when I thought he finally gave in when he reached for my hand again, just when I hoped...but I realized that the hand he was seeking wasn't mine to begin with.

I'm like a soft place to fall when his world is too loud for him. A silence he ran to while waiting for someone he truly never wanted to let go. An option.

"P-putangina..." pagak akong napatawa.

I'm tired of almosts, of maybes, of people who hold my hand like they mean it—only to let go when I need them the most.

Love didn't break me—hope did. And I'm done being a fool waiting for something that only knows how to leave.

I'm done.

I clenched my fist. This time hindi ako umiyak...I just back down.

As I turned my back from him I saw him lift his head and looked in my direction. I didn't stop nor did my steps falter just because he looked at me once.

I fished out my phone out of my pocket and dialed my grandma's number. Agad nya namang sinagot ang tawag ko.

"August?"

When I heard her soothing voice, my legs gave in. Umupo ako malapit sa may basurahan and don na isa-isang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Hearing my whimper my grandma's anxious voice rang again.

"Jusko apo, anong nangyayari sayo? August, what the hell happened to you?" nag-aalala nyang saad. "If you're sad because I forced you to come with me, then I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I'll let you stay here, I promise."

"I'm coming, Memere. Please isama mo ako..." My voice cracked as my lips trembled.

If finding love means losing myself then fuck that shit, I'm running away. This time, totoo na. Ayaw ko na nakakapagod. Nakakabwesit. Nakakasakit. If it's not for me then god knows I already gave up.

Bat ko kasi hinahanap sa taong iba naman pala ang gusto.

That afternoon, wala sa sarili kong niligpit at sinilid sa maleta ang mga gamit ko. I'm not planning to tell him. Let him be confused...I want him to feel how hurtful it is to be abandoned by someone.

"Are you sure? Parang kanina lang nagbibiroan lang tayo ah tas aalis kana pala," she looked at me as if trying to read what's on my mind when I told her what happened

I weakly chuckled. "Chill bro, hindi pa ako mamamatay ."

Magsasalita pa sana sya when Rayne and Rafael came. Tumayo sya at pinagpagan ang kanyang suot.

"Una na ako, you better talk to them before you leave," she said and patted my head.

I nodded. Tinignan nya muna ako, her eyes tells that she really pity me. It's nice to have someone...but being pitied by them just because of my situation I don't really need that.

"Bro what happened?" Agad na tanong ni Rayne ng makaupo sila sa tabi ko dito sa harden.

Mahina akong napatawa. "Busy nyo ah, minsan nalang tayo magkita partida iisang school lang tayo," I joked.

Natahimik silang dalawa.

"W-We thought you're doing ok so..." I cut Rafael off.

"Just because you think I'm doing good that doesn't mean na hindi na kayo magpaparamdam sakin. Trio tas hindi nagpapakita mga hayuf," I tried to laughed it off but it only came out croaked.

Bumuntong hininga ako. "Anyway, that's not the issue here. I'm flying to Costa Rica. March na at malapit na ang summer break natin I'll be staying there. I don't know kong panandalian or for good na." I said.

Humugot ng malalim na hininga si Rayne at tinapik and balikat ko. "I'm so sorry Aust, a lot happened kaya wala akong time para makausap ka. But I swear it wasn't my intention to not talk to you."

Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay and yanked his hand off of my shoulder. "Ang drama mo gago. Ayos lang, alam ko naman na may kanya-kanya tayong buhay. Oa mo par," tumawa ako na syang ikinailing nya.

"What happened?" napabaling ako kay Rafael. Seryoso nya akong minata kaya napakagat nalan ako sa labi ko.

"Grandpa was involved in a car accident just this morning. Nasa Costa Rica sya ngayon and Memere, wanted me to come with her," I told them.

"Was it the only reason why you're coming? Or was it because you wanted to run away?" His question hung in the air and I stayed quiet.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came. Para bang bigla nalang sumarado ang isip ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Kasi paano ko naman ipapaliwanag sa iba that I'm not running towards anything anymore—

just away from everything that ever made me feel not enough?

How do I admit that I'm so tired of staying in places where my heart is always second choice?

That you're not chasing love— I'm escaping the wreckage it left behind?

"I'm worried for my grandpa, Rafael." I pointed out kaya tumango sya.

"If you say so," he shrugged.

Tumayo ako at pinagpagan ang pants ko. Wala sana ako dito kong hindi lang ako gago. Akala ko makakahinga na ako but I never imagine that in this school I found nothing but pain.

"How's your grandpa?" Rayne asked at tumayo din. Pinulupot nya ang kanyang braso sa balikat ko.

"He's fine. Aside sa na fracture ang ribs at paa nya, ok naman sya.

He just need someone to take care of him kaya lilipad kami don para alalayan sya.

He was reckless as heck. Ang tanda na tas ang tingin nya pa rin sa kalsada race track kaya ayun namalas," I laugh.

I imagined his old face contorted not because of pain but because he was irritated.

Being bedridden meant he could no longer rode his horse.

Tinapik ni Rafael ang balikat ko. "Kahit hindi mo sya kadugo pakiramdam ko sakanya ka nagmana. Parehas matigas ang ulo," he shook his head and I manly rolled my eyes.

"Yeah sure whatever."

Feel ko rin. I'm a risk taker kaya lagi akong nasasaktan.

They say love would heal you, but all it ever did was teach me where it hurt the most.

I hope one day he would realize how lucky he is that he has me at those moments.