Page 23 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

After that night I thought that something would change between us. But oh god I was wrong about it and just assumed things.

I watched him walk past me like a ghost. Zyran by his side. What the fuck Knox? May pa sabi-sabi ka pang gagawan natin ng paraan ang painting tas you would just fucking ignore me again?

Gago putangina. Nakakaputa.

"Is something wrong?" Abigail asked when she noticed my gaze.

I smiled bitterly, "Wala. Pakiramdam ko ginagago nalang ako."

I watched his back as he faded through the crowds. He never even spared me a glance nor talked to me. The day that follows I tried reaching out to him, but he ignored each of my calls and text.

"What exactly happened?" she asked curiously.

Walking down the hall I sigh. "Akala ko ok na eh, akala ko may nagbago na pero gago wala pa rin talaga," pagak akong tumawa. My throat closing up as my heart hammered in my chest.

She patted my back and looked at me sympathetically, "Wala kang respeto sa sarili mo. If that person hurts you over and over again lumayo ka don't let yourself grow accustomed to the pain as it will break you in the end. Respect yourself Austine, wag kang manhid."

Napalunok ako. Was I growing accustomed to the pain he'd given me? that I forgot to respect my own boundaries? Was I?

"What if...what if may rason sya?" My voice low.

She rolled her eyes and exhale in exasperation. "And so? does that justify his actions cuz he had a reason?" she said, sarcastically emphasizing the word 'reason'.

Every now and then, I pray to god to let me have my peace. A kind of peace where my heart is a ease. Sometimes I stared at the ceiling and asked god 'why' bakit ako pa?

I looked down at piniling manahimik nalang. I know that everything happens for what reason?

"I..I just need to..."

"Shut the fuck up Austine. Alam mo naiinis na ako sa tuwing makikita kita lagi ka nalang malungkot na para bang pasan mo ang buong mundo. When I first saw you, wala yan oh, wala yang lungkot na yan sa mata mong gago ka." Halos pasigaw nyang sermon sa akin habang dinuduro-duro ang mata ko.

"...just please for one choose yourself! mix signal enjoyer kaba? gago ang sakit naman ng kink mo. Lumayo ka. And fucking leave that love in the constellation."

Leave this love in a constellation?

Patuloy lang sya sa pagsermon sakin hanggang sa nakadating kami sa classroom. Kinuha ko sa bulsa ang phone ko planning to text him again when Abigail snatched my phone in my hand.

"No. No, you will not, gago manhid kana nga martyr kapa. Alam mo sasakalin na kitang bwesit ka para matauhan ka. Daw gago ka bala ghang, maan ah katalaka simong ungo ka."

My brows furrowed. "What's ungo? tagalog or english please feel ko iniinsulto mo ako eh," Nginiwian ko sya.

She rolled her eyes. "Talagang iniinsulto kita, gago ka eh." She fired again kaya mas lalong umasim ang mukha ko.

Hayop na kaybigan to.

"Akin na..." inabot ko ang phone ko sakanya. "I'll message my grandma, uuwi ako mamaya. Magpapaalam ako sa dean." I explained, she heave a sigh of relief and give me my phone back.

"Disappointed lang ako kasi akala ko may bago na pero, I thought wrong. I shouldn't have assumed things..."

Just because we share something intimate that doesn't change the fact that the person he liked was never really me. Maybe Abi's right–I have no self-respect.

I don't love myself as much as I love him. I give him all of myself, forgetting to save some for myself. And actually, it hurts cuz I don't love myself as much as I am intoxicated for him.

"Settle down. We'll discuss our last lesson before the midterm. Makinig kayo dahil parang review na rin to..."

The hours that passed felt infinity. Long and boring. I blankly stared at our professor. I should focus but my mind is elsewhere.

I should...run away, right?

"Anyari? Para ang sinuklaban ng langit at lupa dyan," Ani Terrence sa gilid ko.

Kakatapos lang nang last class namin and now we are walking back sa dorm namin. Sumabay sakin si Terrence at Abi.

"Malamang. Nagsalita ka kasi," I said and he deadpan me. "Anw, need mo ba ng bagong roommate? May kasama kana don?" I faced him and grabbed his shoulder.

His brows furrowed. "Gago may roommate na ako." He brushed my hands off of his shoulder.

Napalabi ako, "Palit tayo." I insisted, which made his brows furrowed deeply.

"May problema ba kayo ni Knox?" he asked kaya napatahimik ako. "Ayaw ko nga, gago ikaw ba naman maka roommate ang school president, ayaw ko oi!" he added as if the thought of sharing a bedroom with Knox scares him.

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako.

Bwesit.

"Terrence you go first, kakausapin ko lang si Austine." Abi grabbed my arm and pulled me away.

"Oh...ok?"

"What's up?" I asked her as she kept on dragging me.

Hindi sya sumagot sakin. Binitawan nya lang ang braso ko when he reached the garden. She faced me seriously kaya nagkasalubong ang kilay ko.

"Are you really sure Austine? Do you really like him?" she asked worriedly.

My breath got caught up in my throat. "What do you mean?"

She sighs loudly as if nasstress na sya sakin. "Look at yourself. Tangina para kanang tanga Austine. If loving him means ruining yourself, you should stop. I'm serious this time. Austine, stop."

Napakagat ako sa labi ko trying to find something to say but my mind remained blank.

She cupped my cheeks and looked me straight in the eyes. "You can't do this to yourself...please wake up. This love is not for you. It's torture..."

Mahina nyang sinampal ang pisnge ko at hinilang muli pabalik sa dorm. Nanatili akong tahimik.

If I run away would things be better? Would It bring me peace?

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako. Patuloy naming binabaybay ang daan papuntang dorm when we saw them from the distant kaya parehas kaming napatigil ni Abi.

Knox and Zyran. Instead of smiling his brows furrowed and it seems like his mind is elsewhere. He looked distracted somehow.

"Na ah. Wag tayo dito..." Abi murmured and dragged me again away from them.

I glanced at him one more time and caught him staring so I completely averted my gaze.

Habang naglalakad my phone vibrates kaya napahinto ako. Abi let go of my wrist and stared at me. I shrugged my shoulders and fished out my phone.

Rafael's name flashed on my screen kaya agad kong sinagot ang tawag.

"Sup Aust!" He greeted me.

"So?"

He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Heard from Terrence na lilipat ka daw ng dorm? Bat may problema kaba?" He ask kaya agad na kumunot ang noo ko.

"Pano mo nalaman?" I asked curiously as I glance at Abigail na syang at nagkibit balikat.

"Bro, baka nakalimutan mong part ng council si Terrence, nabanggit nya lang and he asked Knox kong nag-away ba kay...."

Hindi ko na sya pinatapos and I ended the call. Biglang tumambol ang dibdib ko. Putanginang Terrence, nakalimutan kong council din pala ang gago.

Now what? Fucking shit.

Dali-dali akong tumakbo papuntang dean's office. Nakasalubong ko pa si Rayne, pero hindi ko sya pinansin at patuloy ang pagtakbo papuntang office.

No way. Terrence gago talaga. Kakaiwan lang namin sakanya and he run his mouth. Kay Knox pa talaga nagtanong bwesit. Hayop. And pano nalaman agad ni Rafael?

Whatever.

"Yes Dean, we'll keep you updated sa progress ng event."

When I reached the office, I knocked and opened the door. I found the dean talking to one of the councils, the one with the glasses. They both looked at me, surprised. I licked my lips and approached the dean.

"Can I have a favor?" agaran kong saad. He looked at me for a second before signalling the girl to leave.

She glanced at me first before heading out.

"Sit..." tinuro nya ang upoang nasa harapan nya kaya umupo ako don. He rested his elbow on top of the table. "What pleasure do I owe you, Austine?" he uttered.

"Can I go home?" agaran kong tanong. His forehead creases, his brows furrowed as he lean back, eyeing me.

"May emergency sa bahay and I need to go home..." palusot ko.

He squinted his eyes, still suspicious.

"Does the president know about this?" he questioned kaya napalunok ako.

I lowered my head and shook my head slightly. "No..." I murmur. I looked up to him and sigh.

"Can I just go home? I really need to—"

"No one's fucking going home."

My heart skipped a beat the moment I heard his cold and authoritative cold. Each word that left his mouth felt like a strike, heavy and full of disappointment. My chest pounded as my heart hammered in my chest. Slowly, almost unwillingly I turned my head towards him.

Our eyes met.

The moment his gaze landed on mine, my eyes widened. In a brief moment his mask slipped. Behind his stern and cold look hide was a look that held me there. Yearning, Pain, Panic...it caught me...breathless.

"I'm sorry there must have been a misunderstanding. Sorry to bother you dean, " he said to the dean. He grabbed my hand and forced me to follow him.

I let him drag me.

"Just like the same old time..." the last thing I heard from the dean before the door shut behind us.

"Knox, let go!" I tried to yank my hand from his grip but he wouldn't let go.

"N-no," his voice weaver.

Under the cold afternoon breeze, I can feel his trembling hand wrapped around my wrist.

He held it firmly–there's strength but it wasn't forceful, but desperate, as if letting go would mean losing me for good.

I watched his trembling fingers—it was cold, this demeanour of his betrayed the storm that he kept beneath his stern and firm exterior.

Hindi ako nagsalita. I just followed him silently. I watched his back heave with heavy breaths.

"What exactly do you want..." I asked. Napahinto sya at don ko lang napagtantong nasa likod kami ng dormitory.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" his angy voice filled the air kaya kumunot ang noo ko. Nakatalikod pa rin sya saakin.

I sneer. Sya pa talaga ngayon ang may ganang magalit.

"I should be the one asking you that, Knox. What the fuck is wrong with you? Gago ka ba? I tried reaching out to you and you just ignored me? Ano? Nandidiri kana sakin? You regretted it? You regret what we've done?" sarkastiko kong saad. I brushed my hair up and licked my lips.

He remains silent kaya pagak nalang akong napatawa. I nodded my head, like understanding something for the first time.

"So ganon nga? Nandiri ka sakin kaya mo ako iniiwasan? Gago ka pala eh. Kong iiwasan mo lang din naman pala ako sana hindi ka nalang nagbitaw ng mga salitang panghahawakan ko. Puta! Akala ko may chance na ako Knox eh! Akala ko!!!" I shouted in pain. My lips tremble.

"What? You wished that it was him and not me? Ganon b—-"

Hindi ko na tuloyang natapos ang sasabihin ko when he suddenly turned around and his fist landed directly on my jaw. I groan in pain as I meet the ground with the thud.

"Fuck!"

Napahawak ako sa labi ko when stinging sensation reach my brain.

I looked up, ready to fire back but when I saw his bloodshot eyes. I froze. Sumampa sya sa akin at hinawakan ng mahigpit ang kwelyo ko.

"I should be relieved if I feel disgusted, but fuck! I liked it! Ginusto ko...hindi ako nandiri. Mas madali sana kong ganon eh pero gago! Hindi eh...." His voice became extremely low. And I watched him—eyes red, hands trembling, lips like trying to say something but buried in sobs.

"Ang gago mo..."

He tried to punch me again pero agad kong sinalo ang kamao nya. I grabbed his waist and force myself to sit kaya nakaupo sya ngayon sa kandungan ko. I bit the inside of my cheeks.

Nanginginig na din ang kamay kong nakahawak sa beywang nya. I swallow the lump in my throat.

"T-then why did you ignore me?" I asked hoarsely. My eyes blur, nagbabalak na tumulo ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

"The Painting...I painted your mom's portrait." He murmurs, his voice low and trembling. "I found an old article nong nanalo ang dad mo sa halalan. Nandon ang mommy mo and you had the same smile. I spend the days buried in my canvas, and all those times ikaw ang nasa isip kong hayop ka." He punch my chest but not as strong. Napakagat ako sa labi ko.

My heart thundered in my chest as I watched his shoulder tremble.

He then looked at me—eyes searching and softening.

"I didn't ignore you. I can't. I was just caught up. The image of you crying and hugging your mom's portrait were still in my mind...and everytime I remember it...nasasaktan ako. D-don ko na realize kong gaano din ako kasama sayo, kong gaano kitang nasaktan. I'm sorry..." he trailed off.

"...I was never too far to forget you."

Kumabog ang puso ko...so much that I thought it would leap out of my chest. The wind brushes against us, his eyes linger on my face—trying to memorize every piece of me.

My eyes blur as tears welling up. My chest tightens this time not from pain, but from the words I've been longing to hear. Bahagyang tumulo ang isang butil ng luha sa mata ko hangang sa sunod-sunod na silang kumawala.

Knox's heavy hands wipe the tears that's streaming down my face using his thumb softly.

"I've been praying for you for years, Austine..."

He reached for my hand and squeezed it gently. Anchoring himself cuz anytime he might drown. His voice thick with emotions filled with longing and yearning that he buried deep inside him. His eyes welled up with tears as he looked at me.

I didn't move. I can't. The only thing that I could hear right now is the abnormal beating of my heart and the sound of his breath.

"Knox..."

"I thought of you..." he achingly confesses. "More than I should have."

My chest rises with shallow breath.

"Then why did you hurt me? Why did you push me away?" nanghihina kong tanong sakanya.

His eyes glimmered as I waited for his answer. He lowered his head and gently pressed his forehead against mine.

He cupped my cheeks. "Because I'm afraid I still want you..." huminga sya ng malalim. "And oh god, I still do."

The gust of wind blew his neck tie. Instinctively he raised his hand, not to fix it but to tuck the loose strand of hair behind my ear.

His hand lingered for a moment.

Bumaba ang kamay nya papuntang kamay ko.

He interlocks our fingers.

I glance down at our joined hands and something catches my chest.

My breath hitch.

I love how he draws small circles in my knuckles.

The feeling of his hand against mine, sent a sense of warmth in my heart.

A warmth that I thought wasn't for me.

Akala ko...puro nalang akala ko ang pumapasok sa utak ko.

"Can I stay?"

Not from our dorm. Not from his moment. I meant in his life. His heart.

He caressed my cheeks and looked at me intently. His gaze fell on my lips and I unconsciously licked it. Without a word he leans in and I tilted my head to welcome him.

His lips brushed against mine and I instinctively closed my eyes.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and the kiss deepened. It wasn't hurried or wild but deliberate, tender and soft. We held each other under the golden hue of the sun.

When we finally parted our forehead met again. Our eyes met and he smiled. The real one. A smile I always saw but longed for.

"Let's take things slowly, babawi ako. Liligawan kita..." He gently releases my hand.

"Talagang babawi ka, tangina sinaktan mo ako eh. Mag eexplain ka pa," parehas kaming napatawa dahil sa sinabi ko.

"I swear you're not even my type," rebat nito.

I smile. I lifted his head and kissed his lips. "And you are exactly my type Mr. President."