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Page 18 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

I scratch the back of my head, trying to make sense of everything. He promised yet he bailed out. He left me hanging—patiently waiting for him like a fool.

I knocked on his door, I want him to hear everything that's been weighing on my mind.

"Knox let's talk. Why did you do that?" Pahina ng pahina ang boses ko habang binibigkas ang bawat kataga. "Let out. Face me."

Silence. He did not respond kaya kumatok akong muli.

"Kausapin mo naman ako oh. Lumabas ka dyan," I said, almost in a pleading tone.

I just wanted to ask him about what happened. Mali naman ata yung pinaasa nya ako. I waited for him in the dark, dishes at the table that I had prepared specifically for him. I don't cook, lumaki akong may gumagawa sakin non and I was grateful for that.

But for him I tried so hard to at least cook kahit na wala akong alam.

Para akong tanga scrolling through social media for tutorials on how to do that, do this, do whatever I had to do.

But it seems like my efforts bear no fruits.

Dahil hindi nya man lang nakikita, he even ignored me.

My hope shattered so does my confidence.

His door creaks opened kaya umatras ako ng unti. When the door finally opened I saw him standing with his bored expression and lazy eyes. He furrowed his brows.

"What?" he asked, a hint of irritation mingled in his voice.

I licked my lips and tilted my head. "Bat di ka umuwi? I waited for you," I smiled. I gently touch the wound in my finger, the warm sensation from my hand makes it throbbed.

But nothing hurts right now more than my aching heart.

He sighs as if talking to me drained him. "I'm busy," he replied shortly.

Napakagat ako sa labi ko, "Pero you promised na uuwi ka." I chuckled bitterly.

"I did not. Saang parte ako nangako sayo nauuwi ako?" His words were harsh. My stomach churned, my breath became heavier. So ganon na yun?

So, bat pa sya nagreply sakin kong hindi lang naman pala sya uuwi.

Umasa ako.

.

.

pero putangina!

He always has a way to make me feel like trash.

To make me feel insignificant.

Nakakabwesit.

It made my self-esteem deteriorate to the lowest level.

Each attempt I made to be closer to him, he'd brush it off and say awful things and each time nagiging insecure ako.

I'd try to play it cool pero puta! Tao din naman ako ah. May damdamin din ako...nasasaktan din ako. Alam ko ang rason kong bakit nagkakaganito ako pero mas masasaktan siguro ako pag-inamin ko talaga. Because I knew to myself that the moment I saw him smiling in front of him, talo na ako. In fact, matagal na akong talo.

Hearing no words from me, he sighed again and was about to close the door, but I held into it and pushed it and made my way in. I looked him deeply in the eyes.

Please notice that I'm hurting.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he hissed, trying to push me away but I caught his wrist.

Way back then I wanted to see him lose his temper, I wanted him to lashed out at me due to frustration. But this time, I want him to treat me a little nicer.

"No. What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm trying my best to get to know you better, but you always pushed me away. What are you so afraid of?" Hinuli ko ang mata nya. My half-lidded eyes stare at him melancholy.

His eyes widened for a second. His hands tightly clutching my collar. Nanliliksi nyang sinalubong ang mga tingin ko. "I hated you, isn't that enough reason para layuan mo ako?!"

I shook my head, "You don't hate me. Alam kong may iba pang rason kaya ka ganyan. Puta Knox, sabihin mo na oh. Nasasaktan din naman ako sa tuwing binabaliwala mo yung efforts or ang nararamdaman ko sumisikip ito..." Tinuro ko ang dibdib ko. "Bakit ang sama mo?" I tried to accuse him of something but my voice broke.

"I can always play it cool and annoy you the next day like nothing happened but this time...yung pinaasa mo ako. That was the last straw. I even cooked for you." I utter in a mix of disbelief and pain.

He successfully pushed me away by using brutal force. "Ano ka bata? Stop acting like a child. Pagluluto lang naman yan ah? Ano bang pinaglalaban mo?!"

Pagluluto lang naman dyan.

His words echoed in my mind, a swirl of emotions built up inside of me. My eyes watered, yeah it might be a simple gesture, but I did pour all of my heart ang efforts into making our dish. Para lang may makain sya.

I realized na kong gaano pala kasakit mabaliwala ang mga pinaghirapan mo. Call me shallow or what his actions truly lacerated my chest.

I nodded my head, "I see." I tilted my head and met his gaze once again. He frozen when he saw that naiiyak na ako. Puta nakakabading to. "Pero Knox, nag-effort ako para lang mapagluto ka...kasi alam kong napapabayaan mo na ang sarili mo. So, I wanted to take care of you."

He scoffs kaya mas lalo akong nasaktan.

"You like me? Kong makaasta ka para kang may gusto saakin eh. And if ever you really like me, I'll ask the dorm manager to change your dorm. Ayaw kong makasama ka pa kong nagkataon." His voice was dark and rough Full of grievances. His sharp and frim attitude says that he means every word he says.

Well, that was harsh.

Bumagsak ang mata ko. I looked at him, and at that very moment, my gaze carried the weight of every unspoken pain that he'd caused me. My eyes screamed the pain that my lips refused to speak.

Sadness, grief clashing behind my tearful eyes until one finally broke free, cascading down and tracing a warm path on my cheeks. I wiped it away quickly, as if that could somehow erase the ache tearing through my chest.

"Bakit? Dahil hindi mo tanggap na ako yung nagkakagusto sayo at hindi sya?" Pagak akong napatawa bago tumingala. "I never knew that you would push away those people that truly cared about you. What if Zyran would do the same to you anong mararamdaman mo?"

His face darkened. "Don't you dare bring him into this." Matigas na para bang pagbabanta nyang aniya.

I took a step backwards.

A small and weak smile plastered across my face.

"You built your walls so high so that no one can climb it and open the door to your heart. But it seems like only one person can shatter those walls of yours." I tried to laugh but my voice came out crooked.

I sigh and swallow the lump in my throat.

Masakit. Sobra. I never knew that love could be this painful. I was always taught that love is a peaceful thing, but no, love is the most painful experience lalo na pag hindi ikaw.

I've never been this insecure about myself, I was constantly doubting myself, always questioning my worth. Confidence, that was my middle name.

I take pride in everything, sa kilos at gawi ko lalo na sa sarili ko. But never have I ever imagined that my confidence that I carried for almost my entire life would shatter in an instant when he came into the picture.

The guys he's been longing for.

And that's certainly not me. It will never be me.

I look at him weakly. "Pwedeng sayo nalang ako? Pwede bang ako nalang ang paakyatin mo? Wag na sya oh."I lowered my head when my eyes started to blur. I sounded so desperate, begging like this.

I can't cry. Ayaw kong nakikita nya akong umiiyak. I can't let him see me in this state.

Bata pa lang lagi na akong sinasabihan na ang pag-iyak ay isang simbolo ng kahinaan.

I disagree with that concept, because for me crying is just expressing what you truly felt.

Your tears convey all the suffering that you've faced, each mountain and storms that you encounter along the way. Each drop of tears has its own story that no one will understand except for yourself.

I always believed in that.

But this time, tama nga sila. Umiiyak ako dahil pinanghihinaan na ako ng loob, nanghihina ako inside and outside. For a minute I wanted him to see me in my weak state. I want him to pity me, embrace me and say that I'm the one for him, but no, it will never happen.

I feel like my heart shattered into pieces whenever I saw him with him. My heart is constantly in its knotted form because of him. And it's harder for me to breathe each time.

It was suffocating, it was heavy but I'm ok.

Pero minsan I wished upon the star na sana Pwede bang ako na lang, Knox? Na sana I was the man he loved, those unheard wishes will remain up in the stars for a long time, probably a lifetime without him knowing that I ever wished for it to happen. I felt helpless, vulnerable and worthless.

It's just the worst. I hate this.

He stumbles backwards. "Shut the fuck up, Sevilliana." Tila ba'y nahihirapan nyang saad. "You don't like me," he insisted na para bang alam na alam nya kong ano ang nararamdaman ko.

"I like you." I confessed wholeheartedly.

"Masyadong mabilis ano? But your hard work and dedication to what you are doing never ceases to amaze me. That's the qualities that I don't have so I became more drawn to you," I tilted my head, a soft yet subtle smile escaped my lips.

He looked at me seriously. His cold demeanor urges me to shut up, but I continue anyway.

"Even if you have thorns all over your body, I'd still hug you." I took a step forward. I close the distance between us, umiwas sya ng tingin. "That's how I'm willing to bleed for you Knox. I'll bleed and sacrifice everything even if it means losing myself in the process." I tried to smile but my voice came out crooked.

I tilted my head and looked at him weakly, "Kaya...sana ako nalang, hmm."

"G-get out. I don't wanna see you." Pagtataboy nya saakin.

He pushed me harshly kaya nasagi ko ang basong nasa nightstand nya bago ako bumagsak sa lapag. I meet the floor with a loud thud; I bit the inside of my cheeks nang makaramdaman ang panibagong hapdi sa kamay ko.

I glance at my bleeding hand at itinaas ito para makita nya.

"Ganto ka Knox. It feels like you were holding a knife, and stabbed me countless times yet I was so mesmerized by your beauty that I forgot I was bleeding severely." Dahan-dahan akong tumayo at hinarap sya. My tired eyes lingered on his face; I want to memorize every detail about him.

I want him etched in my mind. Kasi pakiramdam ko things will never be the same after this.

Kahit na napakasakit nyang gustohin, kaya ko pa naman. I also have my own internal struggles. Nawindang ako when I find him attractive, that I was drawn yet again to his lips. Ngayon lang ako nagkagusto sa taong malabong mapasakin and its torture as hell.

In desperation, I want him. Gusto ko sakanya nalang ako, I want to stand beside him, I want him to be mine. But at this moment, I want to stay away from him.

His eyes flickered when he saw the blood from my hand. It does hurt but does it matter when my heart is tearing and is hurting. Mas ramdam ko pa yung sakit sa puso ko kesa sa kamay kong dumudugo eh.

"You should stop that. Hinding hindi kita magugustohan."

I know...

"Willing akong mag try, just don't push me away please, hmm?"

Para akong tangang nagmamakaawa sa kanya na tanggapin nya ako, kulang nalang lumuhod ako eh. Ganon ko sya kagusto, na kahit masakit handa akong sumagal. Kahit talo na ako, susugal at susugal pa rin ako.

Pero, pag sila na talaga edi titigil na ako. I want to respect and protect his heart, so I'll choose to let him go and stay away from him like what he wanted if that ever happened.

"No. Get out! Hindi ka bagay sakin Sevilliana," he firmly turned me down.

I let out a guttural laugh. "Hindi bagay sayo? Please, wag mo namang ipamukha sakin na wala akong kwentang tao oh. Sabagay, ang taas mo eh...sobrang taas. Ang hirap hirap mong abotin. Yan ba ang rason kaya hindi ako bagay sayo?" Puno nang hinahakit ang saboses ko.

Sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko hirap na hirap na akong huminga. I clutched my chest at naluluha syang binalingan ng tingin.

"Alam mo ang sakit mo. Pero kasalanan ko rin naman dahil ikaw pa tong pinili ng putanginang pusong to. I'm really sorry dahil nagkagusto ako sayo, hindi ko naman sinasadya eh...sadyang nahulog nalang ako bigla." My lips quivered as my heart shattered into million pieces.

I breathe heavily, chest tightening with every inhale but made sure to ground myself. Matapang kong sinalubong ang malamig nyang titig, kahit na durog na durog na ako sa ilalim ng mabibigat nyang mata.

A thin smile made its way on my lips—one that masked the ache but failed.

"You know what," I whisper, barely above a whisper. "I wish I hated you, Knox. God, I wish I did."

Saglit akong napatigil, pilit na nilalabanang bumagsak ang mga namumuong luha sa mata ko.

"Kasi kong kaya kitang kamuhian baka hindi na ganon ka sakit ang maramdaman ko. Na baka makakalimutan agad kita if I despise you...if I hated you, pero wala eh." My lips trembled; I let out a shaky breath before finally turning my back ready to walk away from him.

"I wish I could."