Page 21 of Not My Type, Not Yet.

I give up.

"Shhh...It's ok. Everything's gonna be alright," he coaxed, still hugging me.

I've never broken down in front of anybody pero putangina.

Please...let me rest.

"Makaasta kayo parang di ako tao ah. Ganon na ba talaga ang tingin nyo sakin? ni hindi mo man lang ba inalala na napapagod din ako? nahihirapan? nasasaktan?" Pagak akong napatawa, I sigh heavily and lower my head.

He remains silent just observing me. Tangina talaga.

My lips quivered as I spoke again. "Yan ang hirap sainyo eh— hindi kayo nag-iisip bago magbitaw ng mga salita. Damn, Knox, tao ako hindi robot. Nasasaktan din naman ako ano bang tingin nyo sakin? hayop? Hinay-hinay lang ha? baka kasi hindi ko kayanin yung sakit."

When was the last time someone actually cared about me—cared about my feelings? When was the last time someone asked me kung okay pa ba ako? kung kaya ko pa ba? kung kamusta na ako?

All I want is for someone to understand me. I don't need someone to fix me kahit makinig lang sakin ok na...mahirap ba 'yon? mahirap ba akong pahalagahan?

Why do people always push me away? kahit sandali lang gusto ko rin maramdamang mahalaga ako.

I want a love that will absorb my entirety. I want someone to stand by my side through thick and thin—ups and downs—and even through sanity or insanity. I want someone to embrace me—my flaws, my abnormalities, my overall being.

Mahirap yung pinipilit ko silang intindihin at tanggapin pero patuloy nila akong binabasura. Nakakaputangina! I don't want this.

Mom...please take me with you. It's cruel down here. Mom...Please...yakapin mo ako.

"I...I'm not pushing you away. I'm pushing myself away from you," he's voice broke, small and full of bitterness.

I shook my head. "I'm afraid hindi ko naiintindihan. Pushing yourself? What the fuck are you talking about?" I let out a croaked laugh. Gusto kong kumalas sa pagkakayakap nya pero mas pinili kong manatili.

I twisted my body and hugged his waist and buried my face in his stomach. My breathing relaxed when he didn't resist nor pushed me away. Instead, he let me hug him and he caressed my back.

"Tell me what happened?" my eyes widened when his voice came out breathy, soft and almost wooing me.

This is not him. He never talked to me like that.

Though...it was nice to hear him speak to me with such tenderness.

Sasagot na sana ako when my phone beeped revealing the text my grandma had sent me. Nanghihina ko itong binuksan. Agad na nanlaki ang mata ko when I read it. Agaran akong tumayo at tumakbo palabas.

Putanginamo!

"Yung portrait ng mommy mo pinatapon nya."

I exploded.

My chest clenched, so tight it might rip itself apart.

My blood roared in my ears, boiling with every breath.

My fist balled, my knuckles turned white—hands trembling, not from fear—from rage coiling like a snake in my gut.

It wasn't anger anymore. It's something bigger.

Something primal.

A fucking storm howling deep within me—ripping me and ready for its released.

Fuck that man!

"Sevilliana! You're not allowed to go out!" I heard Knox's voice following me.

I halted, looked past my shoulder and stared at him coldly. His eyebrows jerked when he saw my expression.

"Shut the fuck up, Villanueva and give me that goddamn gate pass." Mahinahon ngunit bawat bigkas ko sa mga salita may diin na kasama.

He looked at me shocked for a moment before snapping out of his mind.

"Then go, I'll handle things here."

And with his cue I ran again. I don't care about anyone anymore; I just wanted to punch that jerk's face and make it bleed like how he made my mom's bleed in her last moment.

The guard tried to stop me but failed. Timing naman na nagsasara sya nag gate. I squeezed myself out and ran to my car in the parking lot. Once I reached it, I immediately dialed the number of Elise's nanny.

She picked up right away. I gripped the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turned white again.

"Hello Sir, asan po kayo?" Bungad nya, and I heard Elise's cry on the other end.

"Take Elise somewhere, don't let her see me. I'm on my way," I uttered calmly.

I don't want my sister to see me in my dishevelled state of mind. Ayaw kong makita nya kong paano ko sungalngalin ang magaling nyang tatay.

"Sige po, pakibilisan po sir. Ayaw magpaawat ng tatay mo, yung lola mo nandito din," aniya na syang ikinatango ko.

"Take care of Elise, ilayo mo muna sya dyan."

"Ok sir."

I ended the call without a word.

Gabi na and the roads are thinning out but not fast enough.

I swerve through traffic, cutting every car in front of me.

Horns blared behind me—followed by anger shouts from others.

My hands were locked on the wheel, jaw clenching, vision tunneling.

Pakiramdam ko sasabog na ako dahil sa sobrang galit.

I never despise someone this much nor did it ever cross my mind that I will despise my own father. Despise? I think that word isn't heavy enough to convey what I truly felt. I loathe him, that's the right word.

"I don't know what I would do once I see that fucking face of yours...dad."

I swear the first thing that I would do is to punch that asshole's face.

Nang marating ang hacienda, I saw big trucks just outside the gate. I took a deep breath and honked...long and loud. Mang Jeff, our security guard ran to my direction.

I got out of my car, put my hands inside my pockets and walked straight to where he was. Nakita kong nasa labas na ang ibang gamit ni mom kaya mas lalong kumulo ang dugo ko, but what really boiled my anger was when I saw my mom's portrait thrown like a fucking trash outside.

I scoff. I saw his golf cart, so I grabbed his most sturdy golf club. But later change my mind when I saw a baseball bat, kaya yun ang kinuha ko.

Makita ako ng ibang kasamahan namin sa balay pero ni isa walang lumapit sakin. You ruined it, I'll ruin yours.

"Fuck you!"

I swung the bat with everything I had—the crack of metal shattering sent a shock through the air as it obliterated the side of his gun rock. The sound was sudden—deafening, and loud enough to turn their head in my direction...including his.

When he saw me ravaging his golf cart his brows jerked with fury.

"What is wrong with you?!" galit nyang sigaw habang nakasunod sakanya si Kianna at ang lola ko.

"God, August! Gibain mo pa!"

"Mom!" My father shouted.

I swung the bat again this time hitting its mirror.

"It's not enough," I murmur to myself. I need something...something that might ruin them also. Something special for them...

I roamed my eyes around and spotted the garden he and Kianna basically planted. It was their bonding, dito din sila ikinasal. The garden is full of different flowers, maganda, mabango, at puno ng aalala nilang dalawa. Ha! Pathetic.

I walked over it. Trampling its neat rows without a glance. The flowers crushed beneath my feet as I made my way to the Pavilion at the center of their little paradise. I raised my bat, clicking my jaw.

I swung hard, aiming at every delicate bloom within my range. Petals flew, the one you saw in fairytales, though this one isn't a happy ending. Stems snapped. Instead of flowers, chaos bloomed to where beauty once stood. Wala akong ibang nararamdaman kundi galit, pighati at poot.

Kianna's squeal cut through the air, and then came my father's voice—loud, furious, tearing through the air like a goddamn thunder.

"Austine! Are you out of your mind?!!" He reached my shoulder and pushed me so hard that I stumbled.

I cocked my head and looked at him blankly, "I should be the one asking you that. Are you fucking out of your mind?" I shouted. I tried to control my anger pero ang hirap lalo na't nasa harapan ko ang bwesit na to.

His jaw tense, and it a swift move his hard and heavy hand landed on my face sending immense pain in my cheeks. My head tilted dahil sa pagkakasampal nya sa akin. I stayed in that position. I licked my lips only to taste the metal taste of my own blood.

I chuckled humorlessly, clicked my tongue and wiped the blood with the back of my hand.

"Are you done?" I flatly uttered.

He heaves a sigh and shook his head. "I'm disappointed Austin—"

"And do you think I care? Fucking cheater bastard."

He angrily pointed his fingers at me. "Sumusobra ka na! Hindi kita pinalaking ganyan! Patay na ang mommy mo! How do you move on when the last memory of her is the only thing keeping you together? Ha!" He angrily shouted.

I furrowed my brows.

Disappointment etched in my face.

"How can you say that to her? Putangina! Sa tingin mo matatanggap ko na kakamatay pa lang ni mommy noon tas inuwi mo na agad yang putanginang kabet mo?! Wala ka bang hiya? Anong klase ama at asawa ka? While mom is suffering, where were you? Nasa tabi ng babae mo? Eh gago ka pala e—"

My words hang in the air when he strikes me again.

"Don't you ever talk to Kianna like that. Wala kang alam." Madiin nyang ani habang galit na galit na sinasalubong ang mata ko.

I laughed bitterly. "Ah talaga? How ironic. Nagawa mong pagbuhatan ng kamay ang anak mo dahil lang sa kabet mo? Governador ka ba talaga?"

"Sebastian! That's enough, you're being unreasonable!" Memere shouted as she approached my dad.

He looked frustrated when he brushed his hair up and licked his lips. "Pagsabihan mo nga tong apo mo, he's making a big deal out of it. Kianna just wanted that room for her stu—"

This time I didn't let him finish. I harshly grabbed his shoulder and forced him to face me. I clenched my fist so tight before I landed it on his jaw.

"Putanginamo mong hayop ka! Kahit tatay kita hindi ako magdadalawang isip na bugbogin ka. Puta! Napaka gagomo, ang gago mo! Napaka gago mong hayop ka!" unti-unting nang hina ang boses ko, iilang butil ng luha ang muling kumawala sa mata ko.

My grandma rushed to my side while Kianna helped my dad. His glare burned my soul but all I could think of was my anger.

"Tama na! I'm sorry kasalanan ko ang lahat. Please just stop this," Kianna's voice broke. I laughed half heartedly. Puta napaka plastic.

"Oo kasalanan mo. Pinatay mo mommy ko eh. Pinatay nyong dalawa..." I averted my gaze back to my dad.

"Do you even fucking know how hard it is for me? Nandon ako! Nasa tabi nya habang hinuhugot nya ang huli nyang hininga. She called your name multiple times but you never came! Busy ka kakalaro ng bahay-bahayan dyan sa putangina mong kabet! Kaya wala kang karapatang gibain yang kwarto nya at ipagamit sa kabet mo..."

I shook my head, tears streaming down my face. I looked at him helplessly, nakakuyom ang kamao nya kaya napapalatak nalang ako.

"...I will never forgive you."

Binato ko ang bat sa salamin na nakasabit sa Pavilion na pinagawa nito, causing it to shatter into pieces before hitting the floor.

I let out a sharp breath. Ramdam ko ang paghampos ni Memere sa braso ko.

"Shh..." she coaxed.

I lowered my head as the cool drops of rainwater touched the back of my neck—the sky started to darken. The rainwater started off as drizzle, soft and cool, like my tears—then it turned heavy. Each dropped felt heavier than the last.

I wanted to just stay here and let the coldness embrace me. But then it hit me; a jolt of panic ripped through my chest when I realized something.

"Ang painting."

Agaran akong tumakbo kong nasaan nandon ang painting ng portrait ni mommy. I tried to save it...but it was too late. The painting was soaked and the paint smudged, making the face of my mom unrecognizable. My knees weaken.

"No..."

Nilagay ko sa dibdib ko ang canvas, trying to protect it from the rain but it was futile. It's ruined. The painting...my mom...everything is ruined.

I cried in silence watching all my mom's belongings being soaked by the rain. It's all their fault. I just kneeled there under the dark vast sky—feeling helpless.

"Kuya ko!"

Napaangat ang ulo ko when I heard Elise's voice. Nakita kong tumatakbo sya sa direksyon ko. In her pink pajamas sinulong nya ang ulan ng gabi para lang mapuntahan ako.

"Elise..."

"Kuya Austine ko!" She sobbed when she reached me. She hugged me dahilan para mamuo ulit ang luha sa mata ko.

"Elise, inaaway ako," I buried my face in her neck. Despite her sobs she comforted me under the rain.

Humiwalay sya and cupped my cheeks. She wiped her tears before wiping mine. Her little and soft hand was trying so hard to wipe all my tears away.

"No cry please, kuya no cry. Elise doesn't want to see you cry," she said in her small voice. "Daddy and mommy are bad for making you cry. I hate them..."

I tried to shield her with my hand from the rain, my legs were too weak to stand-up and carry her.

"Don't hate them... that's bad. Let kuya hate them, but love them ok?" I said softly.

"Pero they make you cry."

"That's between the 3 of us. Love them hmm? Don't hate them, kuya will get mad."

She nodded her head and motioned me to stand up but I shook my head. "You'll get sick kuya, come on hurry up." She pulled my hand trying to make me stand but my legs gave out earlier. There's no strength in it.

"Susunod si kuya, pumasok kana muna don," I insisted but she shook her head.

"No. Sabay tayong papasok." She uttered firmly.

Aangal na sana ako when the rain stopped. Not because it ended—something was blocking it, an umbrella. I looked up, my breath immediately caught in my throat when I saw the person looking down at me.

His eyes were full of worries, a mix of panic and relief when he saw me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, throat drying up.

He smiled lightly, "I'm sorry, I'm late."

Knox crunches down and caresses my hair.

"Alam mo ba na ang dami mong traffic violations? Good thing sinundan kita dito. I borrowed Rayne's big bike." He explained.

I furrowed my brows. "Bat mo ako sinundan? Bat ka nandito?"

He tilted his head, meeting my eyes. His eyes weren't cold like how it used to be, it was something. Something I didn't know. Something...just something.

"I'm worried." He confesses.

And just like that, the cold didn't matter anymore. The chill from the rain that seeped through my bones faded–all of it. My eyes stayed on him— searching, trying to read him like what I always did. Every try meets with failures, he's harder to figure out.

Then I saw it. The flicker in his eyes. How it glimmered every time he looked at me. I didn't know what it meant. The tenderness in his eyes made it even harder to look away.

"Kuya, mamaya na kayo mag-usap ng boyfriend mo. Nilalamig na ako dito." Nabaling ang tingin ko kay Elise, yakap-yakap nya ang sarili nya habang nanginginig kaya napatawa ako.

"I'm sorry baby."