Page 59 of Mariposa (Queens Command #1)

KADE

How To Save A Life by The Fray

FLASHBACK

“ Y ou can’t see him!” Penny shouts at me, gripping the door tightly.

She’s using it as a barrier so I can’t see Adam on his birthday.

I can hear them getting ready to sing ‘Happy Birthday.’ When I first knocked on the door, she opened it just enough for me to glimpse my eleven-year-old before she pushed me with her hand to my chest. Penny’s parents and sisters are setting the cake up on the table.

He has all his friends over. His family is on his mother’s side, but Penny refuses to let me in because her new boyfriend is here.

“Penny, for the love of God, I am his father. This is the first time I’m home on his birthday in years, and I hand-made him his gift.”

She closes the door behind her and shakes her head while parting her lips disgustedly.

Her face is full of makeup, her hair curled, and she’s dressed in a summer dress, with a cardigan over her upper body.

She looks good, but it’s not enough to mask the unfair, miserable, resentful human lying underneath.

“What is it? Another damn piece of wood?” She scoffs, crossing her arms against her chest.

I look into her cold eyes, and my throat thickens.

My vision glances down to the big box I set on her front porch with a yellow bow wrapped around it.

I’ve worked on this project for six months, whenever I had a break from missions.

It’s a castle with a dragon on a high tower because the last time we talked about him, Penny told me he was going through a dragon phase.

“It’s not just a piece of wood, Penny. Please let me see him.

I want to hug him at least and tell him happy birthday.

He’s a part of me, too. He doesn’t deserve this.

I’m not sure why you keep sabotaging my relationship with him.

I love him; let me see him for a fucking minute, and I’ll leave if that’s what you want. Please let me see my son!”

She gives me a poisonous grin.

“No. Avery is here! He’s been spending time with him, giving him the attention that you won’t!”

“I’m his father! Not your new boyfriend! It’s not that I don’t want to, I can’t!”

“Won’t!” she retorts.

“You know I can’t. My job, I ? —”

“Yeah, yeah. Save it. I left you because I can’t stand your job. I can’t stand you!”

“Penny…” My voice deepens.

She can’t keep doing this to me. I hadn’t realized how much she’s cutting me with her words until my vision blurs. I blink away the emotions because I want to break down, fall to my knees out of frustration and hopelessness.

Before she can spew more hateful remarks, the door opens, and her sister comes out. She glares and brushes her light brown hair behind her ear.

“It’s time to cut the cake, Pen.” She clears her throat and leaves.

“Okay, I’m coming now. Kade and I are finished talking,” Penny singsongs cruelly and sends a fiery expression my way. She walks into the house, her hand on the doorknob.

“Please let me see him.”

She slams the door in my face, and the sound of her locking the door comes right after. I breathe heavily and stare at the gift I made on the porch. She didn’t even bother to take it in.

Before I can feel, my hand stabs into my pocket until my phone is curled into my fingers, and I text while I walk to my motorcycle.

Me:

Booker, drinks on me tonight. Meet me at this place called El Devine. Should be back in North Carolina in four hours.

Booker:

I’m kind of busy today with my mom. I’m helping her fix her sink and air conditioning, then I’ll head out if I’m free.

I don’t respond.

After putting on my favorite black aviator sunglasses, I take off, revving the engine until vibrations are felt throughout my bones. I race out of her neighborhood, feeling the most depressed and defeated I have ever felt. I refuse to let myself drown in these emotions, though.

I just wanted to keep my family together and give my son a different outcome. I hated feeling like my father abandoned me. I hated feeling like I was nothing and not good enough to deserve anything good. I only wanted to hug my son today, and I couldn’t even do that.

The warm summer air whips through my hair as I grind my teeth. Tonight, I’m going to drink and drink until I don’t feel alone anymore.

I stumble out of El Devine and walk into an illuminated, half-empty parking lot.

There’s a full moon tonight with soft breezes that caress my skin.

I drank too much while waiting for Booker.

My eyes are heavy, my muscles feel weightless, and everything is blurry.

Whiskey after whiskey after-fucking-whiskey until the urge to fall apart turned into a deep hole of numbness.

I hold the beer in my hand as the world spins in circles.

I find my bike and stare at it hesitantly. I know I can’t drive home like this.

I won’t.

My phone vibrates, I pull it out and take a swig of my Shiner.

Booker:

Be there in about ten minutes, brother.

Me:

Ok.

I tuck it back into my pocket and stare at the end of the street.

I spot an abandoned tall building that seems to be around fifteen stories high.

As the last mission plays back in my head, I bring the beer to my lips.

The night before we all came back home, Jim Gray, my teammate, shot himself in front of me and the rest of the team.

The blood. The pain in his eyes. The feeling of isolation drained him.

Like it’s draining me .

It’s all in my head in a continuous loop.

Three minutes later, I’m on the rooftop…with the urge to jump. I’m at the balcony’s edge, staring at the street below. The tips of my boots point over the edge as cars drive by in the distance.

I just can’t do this shit anymore. I don’t have anyone to come back home to, and I made it that way to protect myself, but in the end, it hurts to have these fucking walls up.

I’m drunk.

I’m a monster with scars inside my mind and flesh. No one wants me. Who could love a broken man?

I throw the bottle to the ground and it shatters into little pieces .

“ You’re a piece of shit !”

“ You’re a monster !”

“ You’re worthless !”

Words soldiers and my ex-wife have told me.

Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m falling over. I close my eyes and prepare for the ground to end my pain forever.

Suddenly, a rough palm grabs my hand, stopping me from meeting my doom. My chest connects with the building, making me grunt. I look up to meet my brother’s widened hazel eyes and open mouth.

“O’Connell, what the fuck!”

I grind my teeth and reach for the rooftop with my other hand.

“What’s wrong with you?!” he scorns, a scowl on his reddened face.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. One second I was standing, and the next I was falling.”

“Well, you’re fucking drunk, and I know the last mission fucked you up because it screwed with me, too, man, but killing yourself isn’t the way. It’s never the way. You matter, Kade. You fucking matter!”

“Shut the fuck up! I’m okay. Let me go, Booker! I can get myself up.”

“No!”

“Booker…” I growl.

“I know you’re having a bad fucking time right now, but it’s only a storm, and you will see the sun again.

Don’t listen to that voice telling you no.

You’ve got this! And if you don’t, I’m right here, brother.

It’s okay to ask for help, because even if you feel hopeless, I’ll be here to remind you that you’re not alone. ”

ONE MONTH AGO…

Booker saved my life that one night, and I couldn’t save his today.

He’s dead, and now I’m on my way to be killed.

Booker was not just a best friend, a teammate, a special operator—he was my brother.

He’s the reason why I got to experience the precious butterfly that landed in my life and corrupted me for any other woman.

Violet imprisons my soul. I did what I had to do to ensure that my little mariposa gets to live out her life because she has so much light and stardust to spread into this cruel world.

I’m captured after suffering burns and shots all over my body.

And yet, my heart still beats. My captors made sure to make it look like I was dead so they could transport me to The Surgeon.

Now, I’m in the back of a vehicle with a black bag over my head, so I can barely breathe and see.

I never knew I could feel pain like this; it’s foreign.

I never thought I could reach another level of hell, but losing Shane Booker?

Mariposa is my angel, but my best friend was the armor I needed when mine broke that day.

The car ride is bumpy and full of hatred. Another fist connects with my jaw, making my mouth fill with blood. I swallow the metallic tang down and lose myself in my head.

I can’t lose my little mariposa, too. All this time, I’ve been trying to teach her how to be unbreakable when she already is. Instead, she’s the one who taught me that my life had just begun when she laid eyes on me.

My hands are tied until blood is leaking down my wrists. They’ve been beating me with their guns and fists for hours, but I have a plan.

I’m not fucking finished yet.

I don’t quit. I don’t give up. I will make it back home to Violet.

No matter the obstacles we have to jump through to be together, I’ll fight them all just to get to look at her one more time. She doesn’t get to grieve me, too.