Page 43 of Mariposa (Queens Command #1)

VIOLET

O ne week later, I knock on Kade’s door.

I’m running on only a few hours of sleep as the reality of war sinks in.

My chest tightens as I breathe in and out, trying to gain control of my emotions before I face my superiors.

The unknown of what awaits behind the door is getting to me.

I’m not ready to talk about the horror I witnessed, watching everyone come in with life-altering injuries from gunshot wounds and bombs.

Castle lost her legs; children, soldiers, and doctors are dead because of the high-value target we’d been searching for. The Surgeon gave the order on the attack.

I asked Booker why he pulled me from the mission that night once all medevacs were completed. He came clean and said it was because Kade requested him to.

I’ve ignored every single text message Kade has sent, which was only two messages about work. He hasn’t gone to my room to look for me, and I haven’t reached out, either. I’m too upset to face him because I fear what I’ll do. I’m really trying to turn a new leaf and remain professional.

Playing with my dog tags around my neck, I rub the metal back and forth as I knock again with my other hand. Maybe they didn’t hear me over the storm that’s rolling in. Finally, after my second attempt, Booker’s voice booms on the other side of the door.

“Come in.”

I twist the knob and push it open. All three high-ranking officers stand over a desk, looking at a mountain of paperwork. I walk in with a pointed chin, hands at my sides, and a deadpan expression.

“Master Sergeant O’Connell.” I salute him and the others.

“Everyone out, I need to speak to Isla in private.”

The others nod, clearing their throats, and walk out. Kade turns around like I’m not even here—like he didn’t call me in, and I’m a ghost.

Flashes of lightning light up the dimly lit room. Thunder follows right after, and the sound sends vibrations up the walls of the building, causing the ceiling fixture to sway and the electricity to flicker.

“Am I in trouble?”

Kade plugs a six-digit code into a locker, and a green light blooms. He opens the locker, revealing a tall, fancy-looking bourbon in the center.

With two short glasses in his other hand, he finally turns my way but doesn’t look at me.

He fills the glasses, and I watch the amber liquid fill to the brim with ice. He closes the bottle of bourbon.

“How are you?” His mesmerizing eyes finally meet mine as he hovers over his desk. His fists clench the wood, and the muscles in his triceps harden.

I open my mouth to say.

I’m fine. I’m good—nothing to worry about.

But nothing comes out.

I close my mouth as that familiar rock forms in my throat. I won’t break. I can’t. I need to stay strong.

“Violet. I asked you a question.” That same authoritative tone he uses when he’s leading comes back.

“I’m fine.”

It comes out with no confidence, making it an audible lie. He clenches his jaw and raises the glass of bourbon to his lips.

I tear my gaze away from his darkened eyes and look at the window, where rain continues to patter violently. Through his office windows, I can see flags dancing with the storm winds and giant raindrops.

Castle’s bloodied, mutilated body comes to mind, and I shudder. After minutes of the electricity flickering over and over again, it finally goes out, leaving Kade and I in a blanket of darkness with only a twinge of moonlight poking through.

Finally…I bend.

I shake my head, pursing my trembling lips together, hoping it will stop the anxiety attack from consuming my senses.

Still, no matter what I do, the reality of war finally strikes me through and through, and this time, I can’t stop myself from feeling Castle’s potential loss.

The last I heard, she was critical, and the Red Cross was issued to her family.

“You’re fine,” he repeats, with a placating tone to his deep voice. He says it like a question.

“How are you okay right now? Two soldiers are dead! Innocent civilians are dead! Castle is dying! She lost her legs, and you’re cold as ice. Not a tear? Don’t you feel anything?!”

My question doesn’t do anything to him—no reaction…just nothing. I stare at the spot I last saw him in, the moonlight barely cascading over his massive frame. His reading glasses are on, and he looks as tranquil as ever, drinking like it’s just another day behind his desk.

I’m sobbing uncontrollably. I suck in air like I’m drowning, and I’m clawing at my tightening chest. Tears roll down my cheeks as I try to pull off my top.

“I know you’re the reason why I wasn’t there on the mission, you son of a bitch! You don’t get to hold me back because you’re fucking me. Do you think that gives you the right to taint my career? To pull me from operations? You’re messing with my job!”

“Keep your fucking voice down,” he says harshly, the vein in his neck bulging.

“I should’ve been there, Kade!” I shout, fighting back the sting behind my eyes. The stupid rock in my throat is present again, and I resent it. “I could’ve helped. Maybe my best friend wouldn’t be dying and being flown to Germany right now! Maybe…” I sniffle. “What if?—”

“Don’t play the what-if game. You won’t win with yourself, and you’re not helping Castle by crying about her situation!”

“Fuck you, Kade!”

He rears back, still emotionless, while I’m falling the hell apart.

“I can’t breathe. I-I can’t breathe.” I try to keep my tone calm and steady, but my tone cracks.

A panic attack .

“Let me help you.”

“No!”

“Mariposa.”

“No! Kade!”

“It’s a fucking order!” he growls back.

“I don’t give a sh?—"

“I’m still in charge of you at the end of the day, and you will remember how to speak to someone of higher rank!”

“Stop acting like I’m just another soldier to you!”

He rounds the table and stands over me with a stone-cold expression that could freeze the world.

“I can’t breathe! I feel like I’m drowning!”

I continue to pant uneasily, and I unzip my camo top, but then the zipper gets jammed. I groan in frustration as I continue to pull and pull, but nothing gets it off me.

I shake my head and concede.

“Please. Get it off me. Get it off me; help me! Please, Master Sergeant!”

Kade immediately reacts, and his massive hands swallow mine.

He grips the zipper and with one strong pull, it unjams and he’s throwing off my top.

A wave of relief washes over me. It flops on top of his desk.

I exhale a long breath, and he swallows me in his embrace.

I wrap my arms around his firm body and let his scent fill my senses.

I bury myself in cedar as I let myself fall apart.

Images of my dad come storming into my head, forcing me to claw my own eyes.

“It’s okay to break, Violet. Castle is a good soldier. Fuck,” he says right before he kisses the top of my head. I continue to whimper into his chest and claw at his back. Still, the trembling doesn’t stop, and the sounds of him choking on his blood continue to echo in my ears.

“I don’t think I’m cut out for this after all.”

“We don’t quit,” he quips back immediately in a stern tone. I continue to scrape my nails into his back muscles. He doesn’t resist when I do that; instead, he holds onto me tighter, like he wants to take my pain away. “Have faith; she’s going to be okay, you hear me?”

“I’m sorry. I’m not quitting, but it isn’t fair.”

“War isn’t fair, Mariposa. It’s brutal and cruel. We save who we can.”

He holds me like that for what feels like hours, running his palm in circles against my back until I can get my breathing under control.

“Permission to call you Kade?”

He nods.

“Kade.” I gaze up at him, and when I do, I immediately regret it.

“Violet.”

“How do you not break?”

He lets me go, and the cruel eyes return. He turns away from me, walks back to his desk, and downs the glass of bourbon in three gulps. He sits in his chair and glares at me.

“You can’t break something that’s already broken.”

He runs a hand through his hair like he wants to say more, but refrains. Another flash of lightning illuminates his office, and then it’s gone again.

“How do you get used to losing soldiers?”

He glares at me. His once-relaxed demeanor shifts into something dark and depraved.

“Turner Swanson. Age thirty-two. A Navy SEAL. Died from an IED. Jim Gray. Age eighteen. Green Beret. Died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound due to stress. Did it right in front of me. Rick Pierce. Age twenty-five. A Special Forces soldier. Died from a grenade on a mission that I led. Damon Hawke. Age twenty-two. He was burned alive because we were too fucking late. Owen Pearl. Died from two GSWs because he froze. Frederick Schofield. Age thirty-seven. Dead because of war. Now do you see why I’m so fucking hard on all of you?

Why graduating is nearly impossible? Why everyone calls me a fucking asshole?

! A cruel monster? It’s to save your lives!

” He grips his glass and hammers it onto his desk.

The glass chips, and I jump when it collides.

“So, the answer to your question…how do I get used to losing my soldiers? I don’t .”

His shoulders sway like he’s trying to control his demons.

He looks away from me and instead gazes at his desk.

He palms the wood, taking in slow, deep breaths.

He shuts his eyes like he’s ashamed of himself and doesn’t want me to know he’s hurting, like it’s an illegal thing to show that war gets to him.

Tonight is the first night I’ve ever heard him show emotion that wasn’t sex.

I see it now. He cares deeply about everyone around him, and the responsibility of our lives weighs heavily on his shoulders.

I can’t imagine being in that position for almost twenty years and not having anyone to talk to about it with. Has he ever?

I walk over to him, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip.

“You’re not a villain. You’re Kade O’Connell. You’re more than a special operator. You’re a father. You’re a friend, a brother.”

“When everyone calls you a villain, soldiers look at you with fear in their eyes.” He shakes his head. “For God’s sake, my call sign is Beast,” he scoffs with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’ve actually started to believe it.”

He clenches his jaw, and I watch the vein in his neck make its presence known.

“Don’t…” I breathe softly. “And that’s not fear that soldiers hold for you.

It’s respect. You are everything I just said, and most importantly, you’re a flawed human—you’re not a perfect person.

We aren’t meant to be. You’re a man.” I grab his face, forcing him to look at me this time. “You’re a man I admire deeply.”

He stiffens, but then I watch his pupils expand, and the flecks in his heterochromatic eyes glimmer with dark lust. In a split second, he picks me up and slams my ass on his desk. His lips crash into mine, and I don’t hesitate to match his movements.

“Kade,” I moan into his mouth. His beard pricks my lips and neck as he bites, sucks, and marks me with his teeth. “Fuck my worries away until I forget where we are.”

I don’t want to think about my best friend possibly dying. I’d rather lose myself in the only person who makes me feel safe and protected…like nothing and no one can hurt me as long as he’s touching me.

He pulls away as soon as those words leave my mouth. Breathless, needy, and wet, I wish I could say it didn’t bother me that he retreated so fast.

He sighs, looking at me up and down as another lightning strike pummels the air nearby.

“No. Not like this, not after…” He runs his hand over his face. I know it’s killing him to deny me, but I’m more than understanding. He huffs, playing with a skull ring on his middle finger, twisting it in anxious circles.

“You need time to process your first encounter with death. I have a meeting with General Hallows right now. It will be a long night…” His serious gaze floats away from my needy one. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay before I left.”

And with that, he leaves me alone in his office with my thoughts.