Page 49 of Mariposa (Queens Command #1)

KADE

W hat is this feeling? My heart slows every time she touches me.

The demons in my head evaporate into nothing, like they were never there in the first place.

I have to keep fighting the fucking urge to smile when she smiles or laughs because her laugh?

It’s a beautiful tune I’d love to hear on a continuous loop.

She makes me laugh at her terrible, sarcastic jokes.

She makes me feel good things I’ve never felt.

But she and I can never be. I know that, but maybe it doesn’t have to end here. Maybe, when her deployment ends, we can work something out. Would she want that? Would she transfer duty stations to Colorado Springs to be near me? Would she be interested in learning how to carve wood?

I’m in my room, sitting at my desk alone, admiring my secret project.

It’s finished, yet I can’t shake this feeling.

It feels like something is missing, and I can’t determine the detail.

It took me two months to do it because of how busy the deployment has been keeping me…

and of course, wanting to fuck Violet any chance I get.

When the deployment is over, she’ll return to her team, and I’ll transition out of the Army and head back to Colorado, to the mountains, where I want to retire.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I keep thinking about work, the missions…

I wanted to fuck Violet until she was crying and eventually passed out on me from how hard I had fucked her, just like all the other times, but I couldn’t do it.

This time, her broken AC wasn’t to blame.

I had that fixed when I tore into maintenance.

I made sure they made it a priority. After that conversation, they moved her and Castle’s things to a different room.

It took everything in me not to sleep with her, but I wanted to work on my wood carving, so I left around midnight.

Now I’m awake at three in the morning, at my desk, listening to Johnny Cash, carving wood in my boxers with my glasses at the base of my nose.

She’s letting me fuck her worries away, and I’ll gladly be the one to do it. Thankfully, the last update I got was that Castle would fully recover. She still has a long journey ahead of her with surgeries, but she’s going to be okay.

Blowing the leftover wood shavings off, I turn the piece repeatedly, wondering if she’ll want to keep this one, too.

She admires my wood carvings, something I don’t ever show to anyone because the last time I did, Penny laughed and thought it was a waste of time.

I found some of the wooden projects I’d made for Adam for his birthday in the trash when I visited him on leave.

But Violet keeps the eagle I carved on her nightstand by her bed. A gesture that strikes my soul harder than I should let it.

A knock on my door interrupts my work. I lift my wrist to check the time on my watch. It’s two in the morning; who the fuck is at my door right now? Booker consistently racks out early after he calls his girl back home. I know, because he won’t stop talking about her.

The knocking continues, forcing me to take off my glasses. Did Violet have another nightmare?

Shit.

I throw on a black shirt and sweatpants as fast as I can. The uninvited, impatient guest behind my door continues to hammer their fists into it. Still tying the strings around my waist, I open the door, expecting to collide with honey-brown eyes. My face falls when I see light blue ones instead.

It’s not, My Little Mariposa.

“Karen,” I rasp, my brows raise curiously.

What the hell is she doing here?

Standing there with arms across her chest, she glares unforgivingly at me, her lips thinning when she sees me. As I crane my neck forward to peer into the empty hallway, she walks inside my room without another word.

“Kade,” she clips back with an icy edge.

Closing the door slowly, I run my hand over the back of my head.

“I don’t remember inviting you over.” I drag my feet to her. “To what do I owe the displeasure?” I croon.

Yawning deeply, I lean on the door frame. The night is catching up to me. It’s weird. I want to sleep with Violet. I crave her scent and warmth. Something new for me.

She sits on the bed, crossing her legs. With a blazing glare, she looks like she’s ready to eat me alive.

“Well, Karen? What was so important that you couldn’t give me a heads-up with a text or call? That it couldn’t wait until working hours?”

We sit in silence as I wait for her to say anything.

“Really, Kade. Violet Isla? What the hell is wrong with you?” She twists her face into repulsion.

My face falls flat, turning into stone.

How the fuck does she know?

My eyes fly to my project, and a freezing bolt strikes my core. I feel like I’m suffocating, and for the first time in my life, I’m fucking speechless.

“What about her?”

“I saw the way she looked at you when she saved your life that day,” she spits with disdain.

“Karen, what the hell are you on about? She was doing her damn job. She was looking at me like?—”

She stands from the bed and points to me, cutting me off before I can finish.

“Like she’s in love with you!” Her eyes fill with tears as her voice cracks. “I know that look because it’s how I look at you!”

A tear rolls down her cheek. Karen and I were never exclusive.

However, our friendship started around five years ago, and over time, we spent some nights having fun together.

I’ve never given her reason to believe I’d tie myself to her or anyone.

I’ve always been very clear about what I want and don’t want. Still, I can’t help but feel bad.

“I think you’re reading way too much into this. I like Violet. She’s my soldier, and I’m her boss.”

“And she’s your son’s ex! I can’t believe you would actually go there with her. She doesn’t get you like I do, Kade. I’ve been patient, waiting for you to realize I can give you what you need.”

Violet’s what I need .

“Karen,” I snap, baring my teeth. “What I need right now is for you to get the fuck out of my room.” I point to the door.

“You’re the best soldier the military has ever seen.

Right up there with Danny Rider, yet you’ll taint your polished career and reputation over her?

A nobody?” Her pitch heightens as she continues to hound me, snapping me out of a world where I think it’s okay to be happy.

To go after what has made me feel alive for the first in my fucking life.

Violet is not a nobody.

She’s everything .

“Don’t fucking talk about her like that,” I warn with a deadly calm tone.

The cruel reality sets in again, making my head spin. She can never be mine. Shaking my head, I grab the project and lazily set it inside my drawer. Fuming, I slam it shut, never wanting to see it again. How could I let myself get wrapped in her tempting wings?

I’ve always been careful. And yet, here I am, breaking the rules over someone I can never have.

“Answer my damn question, Master Sergeant!” she spews my rank mockingly.

“Karen. I’m not tainting my career for no one!” I snarl. My growl causes Karen to bow her head sarcastically as she brushes another tear away with her knuckle.

“We were never a couple, Karen. I set my boundaries with you since the moment our friendship took a turn. We had our fun, but that part of our relationship ended months ago, and it has nothing to do with anyone but everything to do with me!”

Her nostrils flare as her body trembles. The more I deny her, the angrier she gets. She strides, closing the distance, and slaps me across the face, hard. My head whips to the side—a burning sensation lingers on my skin. I chuckle darkly and take a step back.

I don’t react. I’m not even mad she did that.

“All these years, I’ve never seen you truly smile.” She shifts on her feet and tries to thread her fingers with my stoic ones. “I want you to be happy, Kade. I just wish it was with me…”

Tearing my hand away from hers, I saunter over to my nightstand and grab my pack of cigarettes.

She slapped me, and yet she thinks that’ll get me to submit to her? Does she believe I’ll let her keep trying to get in my head and carry on any conversation with her? No.

What kind of game is she playing?

I’m done.

“Get out,” I mumble over my shoulder as I slip on my shoes.

I don’t want to hear it, even though I know she knows about Violet and me. Still, I’ll never admit it to her.

“Operator Beast has finally fallen in love. Everyone who truly knows you can see it,” she says, shaking her head disappointedly.

She laughs at me, but it’s with anything but humor—it’s pity. Nodding sarcastically, she takes this as a lost cause and walks past me. I keep my gaze on my desk, where the project I’ve been working on hides. I’ll never get to show it to her.

Before she exits my room, Karen clears her throat.

“Violet told me about you two being together secretly, by the way. She told me her plan to advance her career by being with you. She wants to learn from her teacher…by attaching herself to you like a leech! She doesn’t love you.”

My fingers twitch while she spews venomous words at me. I don’t believe that…

“She told me about the showers!”

My breath hitches.

Violet told her about us ?

She scoffs.

“Yeah, I know all about it because she feels sorry for you. Poor single dad, Kade. End it with her before you burn yourself to the ground.”

I stiffen, crossing my arms against my chest in disbelief.

“Or I’m going to report this to your chain of command… to the General . Break it off with her, or I’ll make sure you both suffer consequences.”

The door clicks behind her, as I breathe harshly and play with my skull ring anxiously.

The weight of her words sinks whatever hope I had of Violet and me together.

The last thing I want is for our dirty little secret to be aired out, and we both face the consequences when she has so much more potential and talent to offer the army.

If my son finds out, our troubled relationship will be done for.

Is Violet really using me?

It doesn’t matter. None of it fucking matters. I broke the rules. Tainted her career before it could start because I decided to be selfish.

We’re done.

When Karen leaves, I go outside for a smoke. As I take drag after drag, I lose myself further in my thoughts.

I have to let her go.

We’ve both worked way too hard. I don’t need her to get kicked out or punished because we became reckless.

I know what I have to do to make everyone happy. It’s time to man the fuck up and stop being a greedy bastard. She deserves more out of life, and I won’t be able to give that to her.