Page 29 of Mariposa (Queens Command #1)

VIOLET

All The Stars by Kendrick Lamar and SZA

K irk showed up about thirty minutes later.

Adam and Penny left for the corner store to grab Shiner, and I stayed.

After I take off my shoes, I walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I keep checking my phone notifications, hoping for updates on my grandmother and wishing my mother and sister would send me a happy birthday message.

Do they even remember?

It’s hopeless.

They still haven’t called or texted me. As I stare at my zero missed calls and texts log, Kade and Kirk burst into a roar of laughter, grabbing my attention. Kade takes a hit of his cigarette while Kirk chews on tobacco.

Shaking my head, I rub my arms for comfort.

I need to get out of here. Adam is no longer my family. It feels like I don’t belong. Lately, I’ve felt like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t have a home or family.

But joining the Army has given me a sense of it.

I’ve made friends who I consider sisters and brothers.

Whenever Kade looked at me, it was a storm of tortured emotions, and I fought against it as much as I could, but it’s one battle I can’t win.

He created a dark tunnel to break me, but he always made sure to let me know there was light at the end of it.

His arms made me feel safe when I was wrapped in them.

The tall glass I was holding slips through my fingers and shatters at my feet, snapping me out of my thoughts. I take a step back, standing on top of the scattered, broken, and sharp edges. Pain shoots up from the bottom of my foot, and I hiss. A trail of red follows, and I curse aloud.

“Shit.”

The back door explodes open, but I’m too busy looking for the broom and cleaning supplies to look at who it is.

“I’m so sorry. I-I’m clumsy.”

“Here.” He tries to guide me away from the glass.

Kade.

“Step away,” he says.

“No.”

“Step away,” his authoritative tone declares once more.

“No, Kade. I got this.”

“Goddamit, you’re so fucking stubborn.” He grabs me by the waist and lifts me into the air. I gasp as I grip his shoulders. He plops my ass on the edge of the white counter and gets on one knee.

“Let me look at it. I have medical training.”

“Yeah. So do I. I can do this.”

“Fucking hell, Violet. Let me take care of you.” His dark brows knit together. His pupils expand as he pleads. My shoulders slump, and the shell I hide behind obliterates whenever he shows me mercy.

“Sorry.” I apologize weakly. I relax my leg and look around for Kirk. I spot him outside on the phone, walking in circles.

Kade takes off my Santa-themed sock, and my heart beats harder. His heated gaze flicks up to mine. When he tilts my foot to the side, I cringe from the sore sting. A massive piece of glass pokes out of the bottom of my foot; it managed to penetrate through my sock.

He winces as he plucks the glass out of my foot and stands. He throws it in the trash, and I shift, preparing to put my sock back on.

“Don’t move. I’m getting a bandage for you,” he tells me over his shoulder as he walks to the pantry, opens the door, and sure enough, there’s a medical kit. He didn’t have to spare a glance to know that I was already trying to make a run for it.

He’s back on his knees, cleaning up my wound, and grabs white gauze. I try not to look at him…I can’t. It hurts to look at him.

“So, you’re back with Adam?” He breaks the silence.

“Um…no. I’m not.”

He stops wrapping my foot for about three seconds before he continues.

“But I thought he said?—”

“He’s lying. I’m only here for Penny.”

“Explain.”

“She doesn’t know we broke up. She’s always been kind to me, so I pretended everything was fine. It’s easier that way.”

He grabs my sock and moves it over my bandaged foot.

“And your family? Where are they? Surely, they’ve missed you. Why weren’t they there to see you at the ceremony?”

I shake my head. I don’t want to talk about it. Why can’t he just stop? He needs to stop acting like he cares. I’m not someone he has to feel sorry for.

“You’re not my cadre anymore. You don’t have to make sure I’m solid. I’m fine,” I quip as a rock in my throat forms. I meet his entrapping eyes, and a shiver rolls down my spine. I’m bewitched every time I look into them, and it’s over for me. Every. Single. Time.

He clenches his jaw like he’s holding back limitless, cruel ideas that spark stardust in my blood.

He reaches for my face like he wants to hold me. It’s the same look he had when I walked away from him at the beach.

“Mariposa,” his tone darkens.

“Don’t call me that,” I warn. I’m being spiteful, I know, but I can’t help it. “We’re not in the field. You don’t get to call me that.”

Damn it. That voice of his. His scent. His body, his skin, his soul. Everything has me in trouble. I can’t be attracted to him, but it may be too late. I need to get out of here because all I want to do is experience how blissful he made me feel when he held me.

Kissed me.

Talked to me.

I crave it more since he’s given me a taste of what it’s like when he claims.

“I’ve gotta go.”

I hop onto my feet and practically rush out of the kitchen.

I head toward the front door, grabbing my bag and keys off the accent table.

I stuff my feet back in my shoes, ignoring my wound.

My fingertips graze the doorknob when I’m pulled into his chest. A panicked gasp leaves my lips, and he palms my mouth to hush me.

He keeps walking us forward until my back hits the wall.

We’re pressed against each other as I grip the ends of his black sweater like I want to bring him closer, but I don’t.

His abdomen meets my chest, and he groans.

“Kade,” my voice is muffled. He looks around us suspiciously. If Kirk or Adam sees us, our careers—everything—can be kissed goodbye.

He turns off the hallway lights with a fast flick and returns his gaze to me. His hand falls to my hip tentatively.

“Let me go,” I plead.

“No. Where is your family?” He rubs his thumb against my cheek in circles.

“You don’t need to know,” I shoot back, trying to calm the fire in my heart.

“You shouldn’t go because of me. No one should be alone on Christmas. I’ll stay away from you for the rest of the night.”

“That’s exactly what I don’t want, don’t you get it?”

A rock forms in my throat, and the wall I’ve put up since joining the military comes back to haunt me. Even in the dark, his eyes gleam with cursed emotions.

I can’t tell if he’s in agony like I am or if he’s upset that I’m here.

“I like you, Kade.”

He stiffens as if I struck him. He furrows his dark brows and sighs. The scent of his cologne entraps me further. It isn’t fair how he can attract me without even trying.

Is he going to say something?

He steps back like being around me is such a bad thing.

“I like you,” I repeat, shrugging my shoulders.

“I haven’t stopped thinking of that night.

In fact, I think about it too much, and I hate myself for it.

I can’t be around you. Our jobs. Our situation.

Adam is your son…and Penny?” His shoulders sink, and he takes a step back.

My skin already yearns for his flesh to return to mine.

My head moves from side to side vehemently.

“Violet.” He straightens his back. He’s back to being an unreadable force, and I hate it. “That night was never supposed to happen. Do you understand?”

He tilts my chin up with two of his fingers, forcing me to meet his darkened gaze. My lips tremble as his jaw ticks on and off. He shatters my heart as I finally get the answer that’s been echoing in my head like a curse.

“You regret that night?” I murmur as my eyebrows raise.

He runs a hand through his beard like he’s trying to check out of this conversation mentally.

The lights from the living room Christmas tree flash against his mesmerizing face.

He turns away from me and watches Kirk flip a steak with tongs on the grill, oblivious.

He follows up with a swig of beer. Then Kade turns back to me with an expression cold as ice.

“It was wrong.” I watch his Adam’s apple roll. “It was never supposed to happen. We were both reckless that night. I can’t.”

“But it did happen. I wanted it. You wanted it. There’s something between us, and you know it.”

“I’m thirty-eight, Violet. I’m seventeen years older than you.”

“What the hell does that matter?” I retort.

“Trust me, Violet. You don’t want to let me in. I can’t let myself have you…you’ll regret it. There’s a whole list of reasons why we won’t work, and one of them is that I’m an emotionless bastard who will only end up disappointing you,” he warns me in a cold tone like he’s trying to scare me away.

I reach for his face, but he pulls back.

The corners of my lip fall with my heart.

“Do you really regret that night?”

“You don’t want to know the answer to that. That night was the first and last time I’ll ever touch you.” He looks at me like we’re strangers.

My chin wobbles.

“Say it, Kade. Tell me this is all in my head?”

The harsh lines of his face deepen.

“You’re a regret. A moment of weakness. It’s all in your head.”

Rearing back, shocked by his words, my chest tightens, and my heart splinters.

He’s so emotionless. This is the side of Kade that the military and every soldier have warned me about. My hand falls to my side as I blink rapidly.

Cold. Dark. Dangerous. Grim.

Monstrous.

Beastly .

I need to leave.

“You’re a man all about control, and I take that power away from you. It kills you, doesn’t it?” I murmur. He keeps deadpanning, which only heightens my frustration with his silence. “You’re a coward.”

Swinging open the door, my knuckle brushes the tear that escaped. I place my pink beanie on just as Adam and Penny stroll in.

“Hey, babe! Where are you going?” Adam shouts behind me as I walk past them, and my feet meet the driveway.

“Violet! I brought your favorite candies. Please stay. It’s your birthday.” Penny jingles the plastic grocery bag.

I stop walking and take a deep breath, knowing this will be the last time I’ll ever walk out of this house again. I grieved my relationship with Adam and his mother, but now I’m grieving the chemistry I shared with my instructor.

I turn around with a forced smile and watery eyes.

“It’s midnight, Penny. Technically, my birthday is over,” I say slowly with a pained voice. Sorrow paints my tone. “Thank you for today. It was really one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.” Penny palms her chest with a tilted frown.

“It was nice meeting you, Master Sergeant O’Connell.”

I quirk a brow. He straightens his back and gives me a nod like I’m a stranger again. He’s back to putting on the perfect, unreadable mask I used to hate. He walks back into the house…like I’m nothing to him.

Adam is boiling over with balled fists at his side, and his face reddens. While Penny continues to rub her chest like she wants me to return.

“Honey, please stay!” she calls again, but I shake my head.

I spare Adam a firm glance. I hope he gets it through his head that we’re done, and just because I’m back home doesn’t mean I’m a civilian again, available at his disposal.

I’m a soldier. I chose this career. I’m honoring my father, doing this all for him, even if this career forbids me to indulge in forbidden desires. My job and duty come first.

“Goodbye, Adam. I’m sorry, Penny, but Adam and I are no longer together.”