Page 77 of Just A Little Joy

I couldn’t get far enough away from myself in moments like this. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I tried to rip open the window and breathe in the cold night until the panic left. I wanted…I wanted Daddy. There it was. The truth I kept trying to outrun. I wanted him, and I didn’t even know how to want things without sprinting in the opposite direction.

My chest squeezed tight, that awful, heavy pressure that made everything feel like it was too much. I scrubbed at my face again. I should’ve been packing. I should’ve been checking thatmy charger was in the bag and my ID was still in my wallet. All the normal things a person did when they were about to uproot their entire life on a whim.

Instead, I sat there clutching a hoodie like a lifeline, hating how much I didn’t want to get on that plane. Hating myself for even thinking about staying. And hating how choosing either direction felt like losing something important.

I looked down at the notebook again. The cover was bent from the time I shoved it into a backpack that was already too full. The edges were soft from years of flipping pages. The little doodle of a taco truck with a smiling cartoon face mocked me from the corner where sixteen-year-old me had drawn it, thinking I’d be in my dream phase by twenty, maybe twenty-two if life slowed me down. Twenty-eight felt ancient in comparison. I’d wasted time. I’d wasted chances. And now here I was, wasting more by obsessing over the impossible.

Except…was it impossible? Really impossible?

Daddy didn’t seem to think so. He acted like it was something that I could absolutely manage and make happen.

I dragged in a breath and flopped backward on the bed, the notebook sliding off my lap and landing facedown on the floor. The hoodie came with me, my arms curling around it like it might disappear if I didn’t hold tight enough. Maybe this was rock bottom. Or maybe it was the first honest moment I’d had in a long damn time.

I wasn’t sure which one scared me more.

My phone buzzed again somewhere near my hip, and I froze. I already knew who it was. I should’ve ignored it. I should’ve turned off the phone. I should’ve done literally anything except reach for it like I always did when he called.

Daddy

Forgot to say, you left your favorite onesie here. I’ll drop it by in the morning before your flight, unless you’d rather I leave it on the porch. Whatever makes it easier for you.

The tears came again. Stupid. Quiet. Relentless.

He wasn’t crowding me. He wasn’t begging. He wasn’t asking me for anything. My dumb onesie. Like the world wasn’t ending inside my chest.

I pressed the phone to my sternum and closed my eyes. Everything in me hurt.

I didn’t want to leave.

And I had no idea what to do with that.

Fuck that.

Yes, I did.

By the time I realized I’d grabbed my house keys, I was already out the door, calling an Uber to meet me outside.

SEVENTEEN

TRAVIS

Gabe

Casey get home okay?

Travis

Yeah.

Watched him go in myself.

You okay?

Gonna have to be, right?

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be upset.

I’ll be all right.