Page 7 of Just A Little Joy

As much as I enjoyed my rambling ways, I still got lonely sometimes, and talking to myself helped me feel less alone. The last couple of months, I’d even thought about getting a cat or a dog, but with all the travel, I wasn’t sure it would work. I must like this place more than the others, though, because the thought had never crossed my mind before.

I shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind, got up, and went around the apartment gathering everything I needed for bath time. I didn’t have a lot of little clothes, but I kept some stored in a special trunk in my bedroom. My blankie, my full-body onesie. It would’ve been cool to pick them out with a Daddy, but I still liked wearing them for myself. While I was there, I grabbed some training pants. They always felt snugand tight. Then I backtracked to the kitchen where I’d left the raspberry-scented bubble bath on the table.

Back in the bathroom, I started the water and dumped in way too much of the soapy liquid. I liked lots of bubbles, and it didn’t matter if I had to clean up the mess later since it was just me. I grabbed the toys from under the sink and tossed them in. When the tub was deep enough, I eased myself in. I could play in a minute. Right now, I just needed to soak my muscles. I lay back against the slanted edge and let my mind wander.

It wasn’t long before my boss, with his lopsided grin and hulking body, popped into my brain. His brown hair was just a little too long, like he’d forgotten a haircut, but it wasn’t shaggy yet. He still had the tiniest bit of a Canadian accent, and every time one of those long vowels slipped out, it made me smile.

Travis might not be in playing shape anymore, but he still kept up with the gym. He probably thought I’d wandered into that sauna by accident, but I’d noticed him there before. He was always friendly and kind, and I liked that about him. When I stood behind him in the smoothie line, he always left an extra-big tip in the jar, and as a server, I appreciated that too. Plus, hustling into line after him gave me a beautiful view of that ass he’d spent years perfecting. Maybe that wasn’t why he did it, but I appreciated the work that had gone into it.

Given how kind he was to everyone at the gym, I bet he’d be the same kind of Daddy. If he were, he’d make sure I got enough rest, enough sleep, and didn’t work myself too hard. He’d work out with me, and at the gym, we might look like bros, but we’d know the truth, and that secret would be kind of cool. Maybe he’d even be the one to finally make me feel ready to stay in one place and build something for myself.

“Okay, Casey, you get a five-minute catnap, and then it’s time to scrub.”

“Casey boy, sometimes you’re an idiot,” I told myself as I pulled the plug and switched on the showerhead.

It was quick work to wash my hair and body before I jumped out. I wasn’t feeling very little anymore, but I really wanted to be. Lately, it had been harder and harder to slip into that mindset, where I could let go and be free. Maybe the problem, the reason I hadn’t found a Daddy, was because I wasn’t really a boy, and I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. That would suck because the times I had gotten to that place, I’d never felt better.

“Nope, you put those thoughts back in the drawer. You’re going to be little tonight, whether you’re feeling it or not, got it?” I told myself firmly.

With my mind made up, I dried off quickly and pulled on my training pants and footie pajamas. The puppies and kittens chasing each other across the fabric made me feel a little better. I grabbed my blankie out of my box and headed into the living room. That only took three steps since my apartment was tiny, but I still liked it. It was on the top floor of a converted building near the college, so there were plenty of places to walk when, like now, my car was broken down again.

If I could scrape up enough money from extra shifts, I should be able to get it fixed for good. I had my nest egg set aside for when I found the place I wanted to settle forever, when I could start my little food truck. But if I used that to fix my car, I’d be down the five thousand dollars I’d managed to save over the years. On top of everything else, it felt like I was treading water and that my moving around wasn’t so much free spirited as it was desperately searching for something I still hadn’t found.

“You’re not going to do this. What you’re gonna do is fix a sippy cup with juice and watch a movie,” I told myself in the same firm voice I imagined a Daddy would use if he were sick of watching me chase my own tail.

I moved into the kitchen, got all my supplies, and then plopped down on the sofa. It felt like aChip and Potatonight, so I flipped channels until I found it and settled back on the couch, sippy cup in one hand, blanket in the other.

They were the cutest duo. Chip’s family was supportive, and he always kept Potato, his mouse, tucked away safe in his pocket. How did I make it into someone’s pocket? I needed to be more little and less gym bro. But knowing the problem and fixing it weren’t the same. And that’s what I hadn’t figured out how to do. All these years later, having every little attempt fail to infinity should’ve been a clue. Maybe. Probably.

But I was still going to the little party if I could get the night off.

Decision reconfirmed, my fingers rubbed a path along the satin edge of my blankie, grounding me closer to a little mindset. After the first sip, I felt myself start to settle, and by the third, I felt like my stress had been lifted away. I was almost there when my phone buzzed under my leg.

“Ugh, I’m never going to get there.”

Travis

Today was back-to-back shifts for you, right?

Yeah, it was.

You doing okay?

BTW, got your number off the application.

Figured. Um, I’m kind of tired and sore.

You sure you can do it?

Is this a polite brush-off because I didn’t do a good enough job?

No! Absolutely not. It’s a check-in because my bar is taking up your time.

Well, I mean, you’re kinda paying for my time.

Not kinda. I’m paying you for your time.

Good to know wage theft is off the table.