Page 6 of Just A Little Joy

I kept telling myself I was smarter than repeating old patterns, but my body had its own ideas about safety and closeness and how badly I wanted to be seen.

I had two more days before I could ogle him again. I was a little worried about running back-to-back shifts—last night at the bar and tonight in the restaurant—but to my surprise, I felt fine. Maybe because it was the first time I’d done it. In a month, I might be dragging. Or I might not be here.

I’d blown into town about a year ago after a friend invited me to a music festival. They ended up taking their band on the road, and in a strange twist, I found I really liked this place and turned down his offer to join them as a roadie.

Staying put this long already felt like a surprise, like part of me was testing out what it might feel like to choose a permanent place instead of drifting to the next one.

“Whoop, whoop, we’re gonna get the best server,” floated through the late afternoon dining room of Stone and Vine.

I set aside my cleaning rag and grabbed my pad so I could go take their orders because they were my favorite customers too. The boys tumbled into the booth at the back of the restaurant like they almost always did, each of them jostling and pushing at each other. They were always laughing and giggling when they came in, and it made me feel lighter when they were around. One of them had let it slip that they were all littles except for the big blond who sometimes came with them, and it made me happy to realize that maybe one day, that could be me—secure with a Daddy and able to go out with friends.

Watching them weave around each other so easily always rubbed against some small hope I kept tucked away, one I pretended I wasn’t carrying. The wanting was what I carried everywhere, something I never said aloud because once spoken, it would be real.

Even though I had collected countless friends along the way, none of them knew about my not-so-secret desire for a Daddy. I wasn’t ashamed of it, but I didn’t want it advertised to the world. That didn’t make much sense, but it didn’t have to as long as it felt right in my head. The only one who sort of knew I was a boy was Nico’s Daddy.

I’d made an offhand comment at a club a few months ago that he picked up on. Of course that was after a hookup with Nico went south and he’d ended up crying in the restroom about his Daddy. Since I had almost hooked up with his boy when they were figuring out their relationship, I appreciated him keeping it to himself. At least I assumed he did because the boys never mentioned it, and even though I barely knew them, I understoodenough to know there was no way some of them could keep a secret.

“It must be my lucky day because I have my favorite customers in today,” I said as I approached the table. Over the last couple of months, I had learned their names, and the boys—Rory, Nico, Jakob, and Owen—were all here. I wasn’t sure how they had ended up as friends. Rory always came in rumpled, like he had just rolled out of bed. Owen was understated elegance. Nico was an over-the-top peacock, and Jakob looked like a mad scientist. Still, they were the best of friends, able to finish each other’s sentences and tease one another without mercy before flipping to immediate, genuine concern. Even with the friends I had made while moving around, none of them came close to the tightness these guys had.

“Casey, we’re going to need all the brain food today. Is there anything on the menu that’ll make us smarter?” Rory asked.

“As the scientist at the table, I can tell you that’s not how it works. Brain food needs time to do its magic. But I’m pretty sure fried pickles give an immediate boost of intelligence,” Jakob said.

“It’s not fried pickles,” Nico shot back. “It’s the poutine. Guaranteed.”

My eyes ping-ponged back and forth as they went round and round the table, arguing about which of their favorites was going to do the most to boost their brains.

“Guys, it’s close enough for afternoon specials time. Why not do all of them?” I suggested. They all agreed and ordered their apps and gave their drink orders. When I returned with their hot chocolates and Shirley temples, they were deep in party planning.

“All right, boys, watch your papers, and I’ll get these set down,” I said with a nod to the drinks on my tray.

“Casey, we need a neutral voice. Would you rather paint or color?” Rory asked as if the question were the most serious one out there. He studied me over his glasses. Given how he kept misjudging his cup of cocoa, I think they must’ve been new, and waited for me to answer. With their furrowed brows, these were clearly serious questions.

“What is the coloring and painting for?”

“Well, the coloring was just going to be regular, boring, we’ve done it a million times, coloring sheets. But the painting was going to be watercolors because that’s cool and we’ve never done it before,” Rory said with a raised brow at Nico.

“For the record, I don’t think coloring is boring,” Jakob said with a haughty sniff.

“No, I mean, are you planning a party?”

“Yeah, that would actually help if you knew what we were doing. Anyhoo, we’re doing the intro night at Wilde Dandies for the Little room. It’s where people who are interested can come and see what the club is about and have some fun while they’re there.”

“I thought you had to be a member to get in there?” When he named the club, I immediately took notice. Everyone knew that was the local kink club in town. The membership fees were pretty high, and there was no way I could ever afford it on what I made here, but a free night would be pretty cool.

“Normally you do,” Owen said, “but on open house nights, all you have to do is sign the NDA and do the background check to get in. They do extra vetting because they want to make sure everyone has their privacy. The rest of the club usually doesn’t come on those nights, but it’s still a lot of fun for the littles who do. And my vote is painting,” Owen said with a quick nod.

“Coloring is fun, but if it’s a special night, then the activity should be extra special too. I’d go with painting.”

The boys returned to the planning before I could double-check the day of the scheduled party. I made a mental note to double-check with them before I closed out their tabs. From the sounds of it, there’d be plenty of people there, so they’d never notice if I was part of the crowd. Fingers crossed, I wasn’t working anywhere that night.

Maybe it would be my lucky night, and I’d stumble across my Daddy.

Oof. I spoke too soon. By the time I got home after my shift at Stone and Vine, I was well and truly exhausted. My body ached, my legs cramped, and I was more tired than I could remember being in years. Nights like this made me miss the idea of a Daddy.

If I had one, he’d be watching out for me and making sure I didn’t work too much. A proper Daddy would fix my bath and give me cuddles. Maybe he’d even make my dinner, then tuck me in with a bedtime story and my blankie. But my Daddy was only a figment of my imagination, so tonight I’d be doing it all myself.

“All right, Casey boy, let’s get you in the bathtub,” I said aloud.