Page 52

FIFTY-TWO

ADRIAN

CAN’T HAVE IT ALL

Day 562

Amaia lets out a soft laugh and twists out of my arms, moving a few steps away to sit on the other side of the couch. Todd and Jay went with Theo to either one of their houses or the barn to wait for Farron, not sure which. Theo dragged them away to give me some time with Amaia while Henry silently excused himself and disappeared.

I can’t take my eyes off my sister. After all this time, I had convinced myself that I would never get the chance to see her again. My head is a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions as I stare at her, taking in every single detail that I can.

It’s her—it’s Amaia. But she’s nothing like the girl I last saw. She’s thinner, a lot thinner than she ever was. Her skin is stretched taut over sharp cheekbones, the darkness beneath her eyes and the tightness on the sides betraying just how difficult our time apart has to have been on her. Her hair’s a tangled mess, matted with dirt, and if I squint, I swear I see blood streaked through the blonde curls.

What the fuck has my little sister been through?

Guilt hits me like a freight train. I should have been there for her, for all of them. Maybe if I had been, she wouldn’t look like she’s walked through hell and barely made it back. But even as the thought roots itself in my brain, another one cuts through. If I hadn’t gone the way I did, I wouldn’t have found Farron. And how could I ever regret that?

Whatever I’m feeling must be all over my face, because Amaia rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Stop it, Chispita,” she mutters, her attention dropping to Binx and Magnum. The cat sniffs her fingers tentatively before deciding she’s worthy, curling up in her lap with a quiet purr.

“What?” I ask, trying to play dumb.

“You know exactly what.” She rolls her eyes again. Her voice is hoarser than I remember, raspy like she’s spent too long without water—or maybe screaming. My fists clench at the thought. “You’re doing that thing. Cataloging every little thing that’s wrong with me so you can feel guilty about it later. I don’t need that, Adrian. I don’t want it. You don’t get to blame yourself.”

“But I wasn’t there for you,” I say, my voice low. “I wasn’t there, and I don’t even know what happened to Mom and Alondra.”

Her sharp inhale is like a knife to the chest. She exhales slowly, shakily, before answering. “They didn’t make it. Zombies. There’s nothing you could have done, Adrian. Or do you blame me, too?”

My head rears back as if she slapped me. “What the hell are you talking about? Of course, I don’t blame you.”

“Then you can’t blame yourself, either,” she tells me, a sharp look in her tired eyes.

I sigh, shaking my head. “When did it happen?”

“A few weeks after the world went to shit,” she responds. “We were moving around, hoping we’d maybe find you somehow. Alondra and Mama weren’t being careful, and they moved away from me. By the time I heard them scream, it was too late…” she trails off, her gaze somewhere off in the distance. “Then it was just me.”

I try to ask, “Where—” but stop myself, fumbling for the right way to phrase the question. “Where have you been, Amaia? Were you on your own?”

She freezes, her hand stilling mid-stroke on Binx’s back. She won’t look at me, her body trembling slightly.

“Maya?” I say softly.

Her eyes snap to mine at the old nickname, and the tears welling in them crack something deep in my chest. “Please,” she whispers, her voice breaking. She clears her throat and tries again. “Not now. I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Okay?”

My brow furrows. “Maya?—”

“Can I take a shower?” she interrupts. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I could use one. Please, ” she begs. I feel my heart continue to splinter at the rawness in her voice, and I know now is not the time to push my sister. Not after so much time apart, not when she’s begging me to leave it. Not when I just got her back.

“Yeah, okay,” I tell her, and she gives me a shaky smile in response. I watch as she gently picks Binx up off her lap and presses a small kiss to her nose before setting her to the side. She gives her a dirty look between narrowed eyes before stretching her little body out and plopping back into a little ball on the couch. Amaia stands and I lead her upstairs and into the bathroom, Magnum following us while Binx stays in her little spot. I grab her some clean clothes from my room, all my stuff, but at least it’s something fresh. When I hand them over, she gives me a fleeting smile.

“Here you go,” I tell her when I hand her the clothes. “Something clean. It’s all my stuff, but we can check with Farron when she comes back to make sure we get you some of your own clothes.”

A dark look passes over her face for a moment before she carefully blanks it out, and then a small smirk takes over. “By the way, we’re definitely talking about that when I’m done showering, Chispita,” she says before stepping backward into the bathroom and slamming the door in my face.

Ah. Sisters.

Forty-five minutes later, Amaia and I are back in the living room downstairs, sitting in a silence that’s comfortable for her—but not for me. I’m itching to ask her more questions, to piece together everything I’ve missed these past months. But I hold back. The old Amaia would’ve fought me off with sharp words and sharper looks if I pushed too hard. The new Amaia? She feels fragile. Skittish, even. The kind of skittish that reminds me of Farron in the early days.

She’s wrapped in one of my old hoodies and a pair of sweatpants, but she must still be cold because she’s tucked under one of the blankets from the couch. Binx is curled up against her chest, purring loud enough to fill the room. The only other sound is our breathing—until a loud, rattling snore breaks the quiet.

Magnum’s sprawled at my feet, on his side, with all four legs sticking straight out. The laugh that bubbles up catches me off guard, and I throw my head back, trying to keep it quiet. Amaia chuckles softly, and when I glance over, her eyes are on me, amused.

“So, the snoring dog—yours or your girl’s?” she asks.

“Farron’s,” I admit, smiling. “Though he loves Kenji the most. Don’t know what he sees in him. I’m definitely better daddy material.”

Amaia snorts, shaking her head at me. “Farron…” she mumbles. “It’s so weird that she’s your girl—and Theo’s and Kenji’s—and I know so much about her without ever meeting her. Like I know her but don’t, all at once.”

I hum under my breath, watching her closely. Her lips are twitching up in what looks like a smile, but there’s tension underneath. “Holden told you about her?”

“Yeah,” she says, eyes fluttering shut as her head rests against the couch. “He would talk about his family, and I would talk about mine. He’s heard plenty about you and the other two. It was nice, sometimes, to imagine being with family again. To imagine being free.” Her words make me frown, my heart rate spiking as my brain takes off, again , trying to figure out what the hell she could possibly mean.

“How did it happen?” she asks suddenly.

“What?” I respond, completely lost in the conversation now.

“You, Theo, Kenji, and Farron. How did that happen?”

“She held us at gunpoint when we first got here,” I tell her, causing her to scoff out a laugh. “Kenji couldn’t stand her. But Theo was injured, and we had been moving for months trying to find you, Alondra, and Mama. So we stayed.” My words are quiet as I tell her the story of how we got to Rolling Hills, and all the places we went searching. Amaia’s eyes stay closed as I speak, though I catch moments where her brow furrows or her lip quivers as I continue on.

“Everything with Farron happened so naturally,” I say, almost to myself. “I couldn’t stop myself from loving her. I’m in love with her, Amaia.”

She snorts again, scratching behind Binx’s ears as her eyes open to meet mine. “You’re an idiot, Adrian,” she tells me. “I told you to stop with that shit. I’m glad you have her, even if it sounds like things have been almost as insane here as they were for me.”

I’m about to press her on that, but the back door groans open, and a handful of different voices drift inside. I look toward the entry way only to find Farron leading the way, Theo and Kenji right behind her. Todd and Jay are in the very back, Holden in between them. All of their eyes look a little red like they’ve been crying, and I know some tough revelations have come to the surface.

When they all enter the living room, my Sunshine gives me a big smile, coming up to press her lips softly against mine. “Hi, Riri,” she says, and I hear Amaia laughing under her breath at the nickname, drawing Farron’s attention away from me. “And you must be Amaia. It’s really, really good to finally meet you. I didn’t think I’d ever have the chance if I’m being honest.”

“It’s good to meet you, too, Farron,” Amaia replies, her face softening for the first time all day. I don’t miss the way that Holden’s eyes fly to her, taking in every expression. Fuck , I should have known. I haven’t decided if I even like the guy yet, but his eyes are on my baby sister like she’s the reason the sun rises in the sky every fucking morning.

“I’ve got to tell you, though,” Amaia begins, a mischievous look in her eyes, her hands moving to try and sign for Theo. “I get these two—the cat and the dog are good choices. But my brother, Farron? Questionable taste.”

Todd chokes out a laugh, quickly trying to cover it up by pretending he’s just clearing his throat. Jay, on the other hand, has no such reservations, openly laughing at Amaia’s joke. Holden’s head turns to him, his eyes narrowing as he takes in one of his best friends. Todd, too, seems to suddenly frown as he looks between Jay and Amaia. I suddenly feel a headache coming on as my eyes take in the room, and an uncomfortable realization settles over me that there is bound to be some shit going down between these four.

Farron easily cuts through the tension, whether it’s because she hasn’t noticed it or just doesn't care, I’m not sure. “Sometimes you don’t get to choose people, life chooses for you,” she tells Amaia with a wry grin on her face, her hands signing along a bit choppily, though Kenji’s also interpreting. “And your brother is a little bit like a fungus you just can’t get rid of.” Farron’s words cause the whole room to break out into laughter.

Everyone settles in, getting comfortable in the living room. Holden steps out and comes back with a bottle of whiskey and no glasses, taking a swig and passing it around the room. The mood is lighthearted as everyone shares little bits and pieces of themselves, of the last year, choosing only to talk about funny or happy things. Time wears on, and eventually, before we all know it, we’re on whiskey bottle number two.

Farron lets out a little hiccup before groaning. “I should not be drinking when I may have to deliver a baby at any freaking moment.”

The room bursts into chatter about Daisy as Holden asks questions, and suddenly, we’re on the topic of baby names. Todd and Holden are throwing out ridiculous options, making everyone laugh. In the corner of my eye, I see Amaia tip her head at Farron, and the two of them step out of the room together. I’m not sure what that’s about, but I know if it’s important, they’ll tell me. A warmth blooms in my chest as I think about my best girl and my sister getting to know each other, hopefully forming a friendship.

Ten minutes pass, and then twenty. The clock keeps ticking, but there’s no sign of the two of them coming back. My knee starts bouncing up and down, and Kenji meets my eyes from across the room. “You good?” I can only give him a nod in response, even though I’m sure it’s not very convincing.

Eventually, Farron and Amaia come back into the living room. They’re shoulder to shoulder as they walk in, and Farron gives Amaia’s hand a squeeze before the two of them separate. My eyes ping-pong between the two, taking in their pink noses and red-rimmed eyes. Whatever the two of them were talking about, they were crying. I give Farron a questioning look as she walks over to me, but she just gives me a sad smile and shakes her head. When she makes it to my side, I pull her down into my lap.

“What’s going on, Sunshine?”

She lets out a shuddering breath, hesitating for a moment, before shaking her head again. “Just had a conversation with Amaia. We’re okay, just some tough stuff. Don’t worry, yeah? When Amaia’s ready, she’ll tell you everything.”

My jaw locks, teeth grinding as I try to hold myself back from demanding answers. I’m feeling overprotective of my Sunshine and overprotective of my sister, and if something’s wrong, I need to be able to fix it. But Farron simply cups my cheek with her hand and presses a kiss to my lips in reassurance.

“Get a room!” Holden yells out, making everyone laugh.

I feel my shoulders deflate a little bit, even if the tension inside of me isn’t fully dissipating. When she’s ready, Amaia will come to me. I know she will. She’s here at Rolling Hills, and she’s not alone. She’s safe. I know I can't have it all, no matter how many worries or questions I have. The most important thing is that Amaia’s here, with me. Farron’s here, holding me together.

Whatever the future holds, we’ll figure it out. Together.